How to end NC

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Boatsetsailrose

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How to end NC
« on: April 22, 2020, 09:32:10 PM »
Hi so I've gone NC with Ubpd m for the 3rd time.. First when I was 24, went back for a year then NC for another 12 yrs.. 2 mths ago I went back actually to face and tell my trauma story to M which I did  but got a bit sucked in afterwards in fairy land which quickly went down hill rapidly.
Made firm decison now  to go NC now.
I've blocked her number, blocked social media...
The issues I'm debating at the moment  is just to walk away and say nothing or to write a letter and state my position.
My psychologist suggested the letter as a possibility.
My reasons for just walking away is she will be raging whatever I do so... My fears of her manipulating within the family are high.. Painting me as the ever evolving black sheep.
My motives for writing a letter could be as follows :
I'm standing in my power and stating my position loud and clear.
If it blows up in the wider family ie my maternal grandmother now I've made my position clear it feels it could be easier to do the same with her and not shrink.
In the letter I would like to say that I would if we see each other in the future (my grandma is frail and in her last mths probably) I wish to be sevil and adult about it.
Also it seems if I write a letter she gets a clear message and boundary, isn't left hanging which potentially leaves me more vulnerable by her sending letters or sending messages via my grandmother.

I want this situation to be as clean as is possible..

Anyone have experience on this and could share?

Or any thoughts based on own knowledge of pd?

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Three Roses

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2020, 10:28:46 PM »
Maybe you could start by writing a letter and see how that first rough draft feels...?


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Blueberry

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2020, 06:41:30 AM »
If it blows up in the wider family ie my maternal grandmother now I've made my position clear it feels it could be easier to do the same with her and not shrink.
In the letter I would like to say that I would if we see each other in the future (my grandma is frail and in her last mths probably) I wish to be sevil and adult about it.
Also it seems if I write a letter she gets a clear message and boundary, isn't left hanging which potentially leaves me more vulnerable by her sending letters or sending messages via my grandmother.

I want this situation to be as clean as is possible..

ime you can wish something to be a certain way and state that wish but it won't necessarily be followed, either because they don't care, or they can't or won't act differently. My FOO goes over my stated boundaries by 'forgetting' and 'being confused' and of course trying to shift the blame for that to me for not using the correct phrasing, or some such. This is difficult, but I see it being such that I have to be strong in my mind and in my emotions with and about my boundaries and then however FOO acts and reacts is irrelevant. I'm not actually that far along in healing, but that's the goal.

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Kizzie

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2020, 04:40:54 PM »
Quote
My reasons for just walking away is she will be raging whatever I do so... My fears of her manipulating within the family are high.. Painting me as the ever evolving black sheep.

Just my opinion here of course but as it's likely this will happen whatever way you choose to go NC perhaps you can work on preparing emotionally.  That may help you choose how to go about it.

I chose to go LC because I didn't think I could take the blow back but that's just me. I didn't feel I needed or wanted to speak my truth to my M because she never heard me when I tried, and it would have been like screaming into the void yet again. I do get that it could be empowering for you though so whatever feels right to you, I say go for it  :yes:   

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2020, 08:48:13 PM »
Thanks three roses blackberry and kizzie.. I value your responses..
As it happened I didn't need to sit with it for much longer as I got a long text (even though I'd blocked) about my blocking on fb... Lots of ranting, blaming blah blah how could u do this,,, what are u hiding,, you've got in touch and now this...
I responded by texting back and using it as the time I would have re letter writing..
Standing up. For my boundaries, saying what I won't tolerate why I'm going NC again (3rd time) and saying how bout we both take responsibility for it...
I then see I gave fuel to the fire (of course how else could it be! And got another long one which I don't mean to be cruel but was so ridiculous hurling really stupid stuff at me... Petty and irrelevant..
Bringing other small things with  family members in to side with the silly ness.
At that point I just saw boats she isn't  well let her be..
But the end comment set me off again
It said 'and I take it you won't be at grandma's funeral'
I replied saying
'I know u like to have power but u don't get to choose that one..
I then sent a final  another text saying' let's end this slanging match..

I've now properly blocked m number..
I thought I may get triggered by it all, and I may well still but tonight at least I feel a mix of comedy about it all...
It's sad too because I can see her sat there probably with a bottle of wine upset, angry, in so much self pity and genuinely confused..
Maybe my getting in touch was relevant to tell my story and lift a bit more shame, put the past a bit more in its place but at what price...
More upset..
But what is done is done...
I'll put her in my prayers
Umm I ob feel guilt...

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Three Roses

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2020, 02:39:39 PM »
Imo you have no reason to feel guilt. You did your best and weren't trying to harm anyone - you were really trying to do what was right.

Her throwing accusations is unfortunate but given her limitations I suppose it's to be expected.

The day I told my sibling I didn't want any further contact with him, he became very angry and accusatory. Kind of what I expected tbh but it still was upsetting. I'm over it now.  :yes:

I'm lucky that he is cut off from the rest of our extended family, too, so I don't have to deal with other family members taking sides. Sorry you're dealing with that.  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2020, 05:21:57 PM »
If it's any consolation, it doesn't matter what you say it's all ammo for the drama gun, well except if it's to fawn, give in, that goes over well usually (sarcasm yes).

I'm sorry it came to this Boats but I do think it was going to happen anyway and you sound like you recognize who has the problems (not you), where responsibility lies ( not on you), and see all the fear, obligation and guilt tactics you were just bombarded with. 

You may have a reaction but please post here and also talk to your therapist if need be so we can help validate that you chose to take back your life and let you know that you are strong and brave even if you end up feeling a bit wobbly in the moment. The freedom from abuse balances out the **** thrown your way, the FOG does lift and there is more room to be ourselves and live a better life.

Many  :hug:   and   :grouphug:  for you Boats 

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2020, 07:20:18 PM »
*trigger warning
Thank you so much for both your kind, wise and supportive replies
.. I'm always grateful for our forum now more than ever...
I'm swinging today between anger, disbelief, sad and guilt. A big part of me wants to unblock so I can read the messages again and have the 'story to tell my sponser and psychologist' but that would not be self caring and I can only imagine more has been sent, so that would be more to deal with and more to react to.
One thing she did say was ' you can't blame me for the fact you took drugs at 18 (I didn't blame her) my dad hit me a couple of times but I didn't hold it against him. I found your brother drinking in his bedroom once and I saw red and grabbed him by the throat but he doesn't hold it against me and just laughs it off, thats why we get on so well.. With you I always have to walk on eggshells.
(my brother still drinks and takes drugs aged 40).
I mean what the *! She grabbed him by the throat! It's just unbelievable. I am trying to hold onto the fact she is Ubpd but I can't help but feel she has evil in her. She adores my brother always has so to do this to him just shows her complete insanity.
I have to keep focusing on the positives I've got from the past 2 mths of contact...
1)i got to face my abuser and tell me entire story and call out the abuse. I did this for me and it has lifted some more shame which is excellent.
2)i don't feel I need to lurk in the shadows anymore if any family comment ie her mother my grandmother.
3)ive got to see through my 47 Yr old eyes (I was 35 with our last contact) just how  dangerous and  damaged this women is and how she doesn't own normal human good traits.
4) the bpd is the ugliest psychiatric condition
5) that this whole situation actually blew up because I didn't respond to her text messages and late nite calls she basically began to have a borderline full on emotional crisis and would kill to get revenge (verbally and emotionally).
6)that I got out sooner rather than later, that I didn't people please or break my own original boundary of 'I don't do texting which was clearly said from call 1
7)i can see more clearly than ever why I've been as unwell as I've been over my life.
8)that I'm amazing and have worked so hard and dilegently on trauma therapy and recovery to bring me where I am today. This stuff takes much consistent action, courage and brokenness to start to walk free from
9)ive processed some deep deep hurt that felt 6 yrs old...
10) that I have every hope for for continued recovery and that I do not need to fear what others think of me. The truth sets it free

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notalone

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2020, 08:57:38 PM »
Those ten positives are HUGE and amazing.
 :fireworks:

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Three Roses

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2020, 12:27:10 AM »
I agree!  :fireworks:

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2020, 01:14:45 PM »
Thanks both
Hope. U doing just fine

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Blueberry

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2020, 05:23:20 PM »
Those ten positives are HUGE and amazing.
 :fireworks:

 :yeahthat: HUGE :yourock:

I know we're all different etc, but I tend to be in a much worse state after a run-in with FOO. So I'm really impressed!

There's no reason at all for you to feel guilty. I would feel that too, but it's mostly what we have been taught to feel whenever we stand up for ourselves against FOO. There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself! Not a crime to feel guilt over.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2020, 05:55:57 PM »
Thanks dear blueberry...
I may go into flashback after the recent messages but I'm hoping not... Yes there is def a strong adult part of me in all this..
The guilt seems to be around the fact that I made contact to tell my story, face her (done on phone) but I just didn't think farther than that and how crazy it might get. I'm hindsight I didn't think she would be as bad as she was ie as bad as she has ever been. The difference this time is Im not as placid and pliable so that set a bomb off. I have to see that I didn't make it crazy but the fact it was I feel bad I actually made the contact in the 1st place. But I did and I've learnt a lot, healed some more and in a weird way feel stronger for it. As much as bpd is a vile disorder she does have a psych illness and there doesn't seem much hope for her. It upsets me that my contact disturbed her so much, but then I need to remember all interactions disturb her its just the one with me as daughter seems to not have any boundary for her. But it gives me a strengthening in that it hasn't changed, it's not going to change and I now need to let go of any threads and detach with prayer.

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Three Roses

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2020, 08:14:22 PM »
Quote
it gives me a strengthening in that it hasn't changed, it's not going to change and I now need to let go of any threads and detach with prayer.

Love this ❤️

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Kizzie

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Re: How to end NC
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2020, 03:45:47 PM »
 :thumbup:      :grouphug: