Obsessive fantasies

[Gromit]

I have just been listening to Mark Manson's audio book, 'Love is not enough' and there was a chapter on fantasy. The person he was talking with spent years fantasising about a non-existent relationship with someone they had met once, whilst maintaining a relationship with someone else. The upshot was that it was some kind of avoidant strategy and the advice was to observe the fantasies.

I thought I was the only person to do this. I know I have always been a day dreamer but, since I first began to look at other people as potential partners I would find one, who was suitably unavailable, and fantasies about them and I could keep that going for years, with just an occasional glimpse of that person, my husband included.

According to MM it is some kind of addiction, although not a formally diagnosed one, although I know from ACA that forming relationships with unavailable people, addicts of one kind of another is part of the symptoms that adult children exhibit.

Anyone else have these daydreams? Fantasises? It is something I kept hidden in therapy too.

G

[Kizzie]

i don't Gromit, although I can well understand how it would be a coping method.  If they're unavailable there's no risk of being rejected or abandoned but thinking about them and the possibility of a better life would be soothing - makes sense when you think about it. 

I suspect it would not be a surprise to a T. 

[Bach]

I have always had a habit of making stories in my head where I create a fictional character based on someone I admire (usually a musician) and daydream about a relationship between them and another character, who is not exactly me but represents me/my desires.  I think that might be similar?

[Snookiebookie2]

I've had a problem with daydreaming/fantasizing since being a young child.  I think it was a kind of dissociation - it took me to a better place, where everything was safe and I was a perfect/wonderful/admired person.  So it was a way of meeting unmet needs in real life.

I must admit  that I still do this now (and I'm 48).  It's still a way of feeling good about myself and that I am worthy.

I've been married for 19 years, and I still fantasize - that I'm in a perfect relationship.   I think it is me 'seeking' a rescuer whilst not actually leaving my imperfect but fairly comfortable life.

Unlike Bach, the person in my fantasies is very much me as I really am.  To me I have to be me in the fantasy for the process to work.  But my own self loathing can still get in the way and I can't actually believe anyone would like me - even in my own head!!

[Panda]

I have always had a habit of making stories in my head where I create a fictional character based on someone I admire (usually a musician) and daydream about a relationship between them and another character, who is not exactly me but represents me/my desires.  I think that might be similar?

I do this too! It was my main coping mechanism at... probably 12-18ish? But I've done it way past 18 too, still do today sometimes.


For me, it's escaping to somewhere I know it's safe because it's my imagination, so I'm always in control. Plus, making up stories in general has always made me happy, it's creating something that no one else can take away.

[Gromit]

So it was a way of meeting unmet needs in real life.

I must admit  that I still do this now (and I'm 48).  It's still a way of feeling good about myself and that I am worthy.

I've been married for 19 years, and I still fantasize - that I'm in a perfect relationship.   I think it is me 'seeking' a rescuer whilst not actually leaving my imperfect but fairly comfortable life.

Unlike Bach, the person in my fantasies is very much me as I really am.  To me I have to be me in the fantasy for the process to work.  But my own self loathing can still get in the way and I can't actually believe anyone would like me - even in my own head!!

I am 47 🤣
This sounds like me.

G

[Gromit]

I do this too! It was my main coping mechanism at... probably 12-18ish? But I've done it way past 18 too, still do today sometimes.


For me, it's escaping to somewhere I know it's safe because it's my imagination, so I'm always in control. Plus, making up stories in general has always made me happy, it's creating something that no one else can take away.

Yes, I think maybe I am in control of the fantasy, if it was real life I would run a mile.

[rainydiary]

I just came across this thread and identify with it.  Most of my life I have imagined being in a room with various groups of people (sometimes people I actually know, sometimes people I wish I knew) and all of the people being there to focus on me.  I am at my best and coolest and more admired when I am there.  I am strong and brave and assertive.  I am valued and loved and wanted.  I never really thought about this as a coping mechanism but it definitely is.  I still imagine these types of scenes.  I am glad to have this awareness of my fantasies and to know I am not the only one.  I've never told anyone I do this as I worried it was too odd to share. 

[Three Roses]

I can relate to this thread. Fantasy and catastrophizing are very familiar to me. Catastrophizing springs unbidden to my mind and I nip it in the bud as soon as I realize that's what's happening.

[Wisteria777]

Hi all,

Gromit's post pretty much describes me to a T. I was actually searching this board for information on limerence and disassociation when I came across their post. Here is some info on limerence: https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/

I'm a 53 year old married woman. Ever since I was a child I have had obsessive, overwhelming fantasy crushes, mostly on famous people. In fact, I'm sort of coming off one now. I recognize now that these fantasy crushes happen during traumatic events. 2020 has certainly been traumatic! In the beginning stages of these crushes, it's like they force everything else out of me, and the crush almost becomes an imaginary friend who exists with me. BTW, I had two imaginary friends as a child, which apparently really upset my mother.

I'm interested in learning more about limerence as a dissasociative coping strategy. I'm new in my journey to understanding CPSTD, but I feel like this post has unlocked something significant for me.

[Hope67]

Hi Wisteria777 - I wanted to welcome you, as I see you've posted your first time here.  I read the link you put about Limerence, and it's interesting information.  I also noticed Gromit's post, which I'd not seen before, and it is interesting. 

Reading what people have written here, has also got me thinking and making some links that I'd not made previously. 

Hope 

[Lilypad]

I sometimes imagine I am being interviewed on TV about a topic I care about. Or that I have been asked to give a talk about my career.

In the fantasy, everyone finds what I have to say either interesting or provocative. Ie.they have a reaction to it. Whereas as a kid, I was ignored and neglected. I think it is a coping mechanism.

The funny thing is that I have been interviewed various times as part of my professional life and it felt totally different in real life, much more of a two way conversation, rather than me being admired.

I also haven't mentioned these little fantasies to anyone 

[Picasso]

Oh wow do I ever relate.  I often feel that I am living more in a fantasy land than the real world.  I typically react in a people pleasing way and then later on will fantasize about how I wished I had reacted.  Sometimes I can replay this fantasy for years. My inner critic as always told me I was weird for doing this.   

[Bluegem]

I believe it called maladaptive daydreaming or MD.
I know it well 

I probably spent at least an hour or two a day on this activity sometimes much more ..it depends on how much time I am free & alone.

I have very well defined stories and a character for each story ( I am always someone else never myself and always 'better' ie more attractive, special & others want to be me)

  They were my coping mechanism through childhood, I think it is an escape from real life which allows me to step away from my inner feelings & try on different clothes (if you know what I mean)
I have thought of maybe writing them down as stories ..maybe that would separate them from me a little.