The most innocent action by others can be triggering to us. So it's less important imo to figure him out and more important to focus on you.
I'm married to the same guy who acted abusively to me for the first 27 years of our marriage. I left then, he promised to work on himself, so I returned after about a year apart. He's been true to his word so I do think it's possible for some abusers to recover from their abusive patterns.
That being said, it's very difficult imo when one partner is oblivious to their issues. Refusing to look at their behavior results only in more of the same.
Focusing on myself and what was best and right for me, regardless of what my h wanted, was the key. I'd grown so used to focusing on him as the problem, and having been raised to focus on my mentally ill family members first (and deny myself the right to be treated well) was a huge obstacle I had to overcome, before my marriage could improve.
It's hard to recover from our past when we're reliving it in the present. My hope for you is that you continue to come to this forum, read and post here, and reach out for support when you need it. You matter to us.
