great response to confused estranged parent

[saylor]

I thought this article was almost totally spot-on:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/my-adult-daughter-doesnt-speak-me-anymore/582361/

I'm not sure how much I agree with this one statement, as I think it goes too far making assumptions about the daughter's motives, and ignores that she may simply be trying to protect herself from some aspect of her F's behavior... "Right now the only way she can communicate her pain to you is by inflicting it on you in return—with her distance."

Otherwise, it does a great job of showing parents what may be getting in the way of opening the door to a relationship with their offspring. I would have loved the opportunity to send my F this article (though he was so thoroughly in denial of his own wrongdoing, it might not have achieved anything)

[Rainydaze]

I agree and think it's a pretty reasonable, compassionate response to a letter from a parent who doesn't appear to be taking much responsibility for the estrangement, if any. He's putting the onus on his daughter causing upset and being the sticking point by refusing to have contact with him and the rest of his family without any insight as to what could have caused her to need that distance from them.

I'm not sure how much I agree with this one statement, as I think it goes too far making assumptions about the daughter's motives, and ignores that she may simply be trying to protect herself from some aspect of her F's behavior... "Right now the only way she can communicate her pain to you is by inflicting it on you in return—with her distance."

Yeah, I do think it's good that the daughter's pain is acknowledged, but making the assumption that the motive behind the estrangement is to cause pain to her father seems quite short-sighted to me. I do think that estrangement is a massive indicator that the person who has chosen no contact is in pain, but after years of regularly reading other people's stories and accounts on sites such as OOTS I've yet to encounter anyone who has chosen no contact for any other reason than to protect themselves from further abuse.

I do appreciate this statement in the article: "Of course, it's hard for most parents to hear how they disappointed their kids, especially if they tried their absolute best, but unless you can see how you contributed to her feelings of anger or hurt, nothing will change between you." I don't think trying one's best should mean that continuous, abusive behaviour should be excused and I'm glad that this is pointed out. Just one example (of many), I'm sure my own father was genuinely trying his best during his passive-aggressive phones calls and probably thought that the odd gift here and there would make up for bad behaviour. It doesn't make my automatic feels of anxiety in response to the phone calls any less valid though, nor my anger when I tried setting up boundaries to prevent said anxiety and had these violated.

I've been thinking about how my own father would react to being sent this article and I think he would completely miss the point. He remarried a few months after I decided to stop speaking to him so I think he would see the parallel there, get stuck on that point, accuse me of being petty and completely miss what the article is actually getting at. He doesn't have enough empathy to understand or care that his actions cause other people pain. He is stuck at the emotional developmental stage of a 2 year old and is only concerned with the fact that the current circumstances are upsetting for him.

An interesting article, saylor, thanks for sharing!

[Kizzie]

I think this might be a good article if a parent whose adult child has gone LC/NC is willing and able to look at their behaviour honestly, but I'm not convinced this would do much if anything with most of our parents.

In addition to not agreeing with the idea that the daughter is knowingly inflicting pain on her F by keeping her distance -- most of us do it to keep safe vs for revenge -- I also thought the whole genuine apology suggestion didn't acknowledge he cannot do this if he doesn't know what he has done. The first step in my mind if he really wants to reconnect is to ask her what he did/didn't do that caused her pain. That he doesn't seem to know is a flag for me.

Somewhere on the board I posted a link to a forum for estranged parents who are shoring up each other's reality that they were good parents and it is their child who has the problem. Hard to say if the F asking for advice is in this category but again, if he has not asked his daughter straight out about his role in her pain then I have to suspect he does not think he bears any responsibility for her decision to go NC.

If I were to send this article to my M she would zoom in on all the points telling her that she is actually a loving M but that I have a separate reality (it's me that's the problem, not her). She would perhaps offer a faux apology but would never understand or accept that she had actually traumatized me. I would be the one who refused to connect more (we are low contact) b/c she had done her level best.

Anyway, for relational trauma survivors merely being "disappointed" by a parent is not why we go no/low contact, enduring pain/trauma and the need to be safe from further harm are the reasons.