So Many Questions (Trigger Warning)

[Trc9Hu]

Whew, first time telling this. I've carried this all of my life without telling it. I have so many questions and only healing will bring answers.
     I grew up in a home with an overbearing abusive (only to me, not mom or sibling) and an emotionally verbally, physically,abusive mother.
     The physical abuse was mainly from my father that began at age 6 and continued until age 13. Beatings. Not spankings. This was my daily routine. 3 times beating me until I lost conciousness.  To make matters worse, he was a commander in law enforcement, and a leader in his church. No one suspected because it was a secret. Mom told me to tell no one "because he would lose his job." She simply watched or left him to it and then spent my life telling me it was my fault.
     She shames me daily and nothing I did was good enough. She told me she was jealous of me when I was little because he paid more attention to me than she did him. She pointed out every flaw she thought I had. My acne and my weight were her favorites. I developed very early so she made fun of my having big breasts, I front of any family member that would listen. I weighed 98 pounds and yet I was fat according to her.
     When I began to notice boys I was called a slut, when I began to wear make up I was called a whore. This went on until I married and left the house. This is the tip of icebergs,  but you get the idea.
     I want to know why? Why do they blame you for having natural reactions to abuse such as anger? Why do they hurt who they are supposed to protect? Why did he not get caught? He was law enforcement?
     All of my life they made me believe it was all my fault. I never knew different until 6 months ago when a boss at work was in my face screaming and a light switch just shut off. I know now that is disassociating. I had a breakdown. I went to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me and after 3 docs, found out I have CPTSD,  among a couple other diagnoses.  The things looking back on my life in my reactions, decisions I had made, the many jobs I have held finally made sense and gave me a sense of being as normal as i could be. Not a broken thing i had always been made out to be.
     About a month ago, i finally cut ties with my parents after a horrifying blow up at their house over something as simple as my trying to show care for them during this virus thing. As a middle age adult i saw with adult eyes for the first time as they reverted to name calling and degrading me just as if i we re a child. I left. I've had no contact since. I have a calmness about that. But am not sure what to do now. I wonder if anyone has book suggestions that might have helped you. What is the next step I wonder?

[saylor]

That all sounds terrible, Trc9Hu. I'm so sorry you were put through all that.
Your story is very similar to mine, so I can relate. There are no words to describe the extent and magnitude of the damage, and unfortunately, we have to figure out a way to get through life despite all the adverse junk in our head (not to mention the somatic stuff).

I also estranged (from my F—parents had divorced). It's one of the best decisions I made. Leading up to that, I chose to write a letter to my unaccountable F, reminding him of what he did to me, and telling him how I felt about it/how it had affected me, and how I viewed him. He only cared about how my letter hurt his feelings. (I had been very civil, but didn't pull punches—I tried to be constructive and clear.) The part about how I had been affected meant nothing to him.

That was an easy "bye bye" for me.

I can't offer any quick solutions, but I know toxic shame is a major symptom that is getting in the way of my healing, so I've been cranking up the self compassion, and sometimes I feel like it's working. I also took the leap and retired, so was able to reduce my stress and exposure to triggers.

And, of course, interacting on here helps.

[Trc9Hu]

Saylor,
Thank you for you kind words! And thank you for understanding for no one does. I have no one to talk to. I also tried years ago to talk to my father and my mother blamed me for him getting sick. Since then she will not allow me to speak to him on the phone. I too was made to feel that I hurt him and what was done to me was ignored. It just 5ook me longer to get to the place of cutting them off. Again, thank you.

[saylor]

I'm glad it helps to connect.
Now you have us to talk to 

[Not Alone]

Trc9Hu,

First I want to say that I believe you. I feel angry at your parents for the horrible abuse they inflicted on you.

You asked for book recommendations.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
by Pete Walker

also recommend this website:
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear all you've gone thru! If I shared my past with you, you would see many similarities. I believe you, too.

Many of us here have gone NC (no contact) with family, friends and others who refuse to be in relationship with us in healthy, mutually supportive ways. We truly understand how difficult it can be! And all the societal pressure to keep contact with our FOO (family of origin) we get from well-meaning people is no help.

I wish I could give you a satisfactory answer to your question of "Why" but I've wondered the same. In my case, the abuse I suffered was because of the damage my FOO had, and really had little or nothing to do with me. I was simply there.

Not a good answer, I know.

You didn't "make" your father sick. Unless you inject them with poison or something, you can't make someone ill. That is their chosen, controlling, manipulative reaction to the situation.

I'm glad you found us!

[Kizzie]

Here are the links to the book sections here and our sister site Out of the Fog:

OOTS books about Complex PTSD - https://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1/

OOTF books about PD - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0

Along with "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma" by Pete Walker, one of my favourite books is "It's Not You, It's What Happened to You" by Christine Courtois.  It made the point for me that I was not broken, crazy, weak .... I just had a set of common symptoms that developed in response to ongoing traumatic stress, anormal response to an abnormal situation. Her book and message helped me to look at who and what had caused these symptoms. 

[Barney]

So sounds like my experience...when I was about 12 (probably summer of 6th grade...because I was wearing shorts) a neighbor kid asked what was wrong with my legs...I said "those are my bruises"...he said "your bruises?" I said "yea...from my whippings" he said "what do you mean your whippings?"...that's when I found out that everybody didn't have whippings...after talking to the other kids in the neighborhood...I realized I was the only one...next time i was whipped, I called the police...probably 1972-1973...I remember the police coming to the door, I pulled my pants down, showed them...and they said they had no proof who did it...and left (I have had EMDR done on that memory...) I have no memory what so ever what happened after they left...(I have psychogenic amnesia or flashbulb memories of my childhood...)