Activity 1, Professional help: Your T's response to misplaced responsibility.

  • 26 Replies
  • 1665 Views
Thanks for your kind words, Anne.  :hug:  It's from a seminar on dealing with difficult customers. My favourite colleague went there and then later told me all about it. The irony was that most of our customers were a lot less difficult than our boss was. Well, on the other hand, once I'd worked out how to cope with our boss, the customers were a doddle.

*

VeryFoggy

  • Member
  • 278
    • View Profile
Yes SC that is an awesome story about your boss and how you handled it.

And it kind of made me have this insight about my own example I was talking about above:  My sister is being cruel and abusive to me.

So if I turn that around it becomes:

My sister is being cruel and abusive to herself.

THAT makes sense to me.  THAT makes me able to feel compassion for her. Because that is EXACTLY how it looks to me.  That her fear and her anger are pushing her own feelings about herself outwards towards me. Projection.

And that I can wrap my head around.

So, is that it?  Do I have it yet? This is really bothering me!  Has been for days!

*

C.

  • Member
  • 1029
  • Learning from reciprocity as I heal from CPTSD.
    • View Profile
This is a truly interesting topic and something I'd like to understand better as well.  I don't want to fuel someone's inappropriate behavior.  On the other hand, letting it roll over me, without touching, is an important skill.  I need to practice this with my son, because he's a teen and periodically aggressive so I need to be "above" the behavior so to speak.  On the other hand if the someone who's doing this behavior is a "friend" perhaps I simply need to prune them from my life?  There's only so much toxic behavior I think that any one human being can handle.  Perhaps you T. can handle a lot.  Maybe someone else less.  Learning the strategy is important, but I still wonder about the who...like I wouldn't want to be around a person 5 hrs. per day where 90% of their behavior towards me is aggressive...I used this strategy w/a co-worker once and it worked magic.  She apologized, turned things around for good, and became a friend.  On the other hand, my parents or my exH won't change so I'd rather not put a lot of energy in to a toxic response w/them...but maybe I'm wrong?  Maybe if I responded with the self-efficacy that's being described they would eventually have to change their behavior?  Is that the theory?  What if they don't?  Do I continue to put myself in their presence and practice these strategies?...with someone who is Covert NPD or simply constantly bossy & aggressive...?

*

Annegirl

  • Member
  • 297
  • Wild and Free
    • View Profile
These are really great questions, and i believe from what I have learned about this approach, is that you do it for yourself. not to expect change, but so you don't get disturbed by other people's thoughts and words because they are their own thoughts. Your thoughts about what they think about you may or may not be true and usually they are not because we can never really truly know why people say and do hurtful things.

Sometimes the outcome of doing this work is doing a loving action which can be removing yourself from that abusive person. You begin to love yourself enough to remove yourself from that situation, and that doesn't even mean you stop loving them.

*

C.

  • Member
  • 1029
  • Learning from reciprocity as I heal from CPTSD.
    • View Profile
Thanks for this explanation.  Now I get it.  And yes, quite empowering and useful.

*

Annegirl

  • Member
  • 297
  • Wild and Free
    • View Profile
Thanks C  :hug:

*

bee

  • Member
  • 127
    • View Profile
My T's reaction is "It's not your fault." Over and over and over.

*

Kizzie

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • 7314
    • View Profile
My sister is being cruel and abusive to me. So if I turn that around it becomes:

My sister is being cruel and abusive to herself. THAT makes sense to me.  THAT makes me able to feel compassion for her. Because that is EXACTLY how it looks to me.  That her fear and her anger are pushing her own feelings about herself outwards towards me. Projection. And that I can wrap my head around.

So, is that it?  Do I have it yet? This is really bothering me!  Has been for days!

I think you're absolutely right that projection is a lot of what's going on Very Foggy, that how they behave is more about how they feel about themselves (hatred, worthless, shameful) than us, and accepting that can lead us to question our own sense of unworthiness or defectiveness. That said, it's such a lot of work to try and remember "It's about them, not me" when you in contact with a PD person! Maybe one day I will get there but for now, I'm content with staying clear of PDs as much as possible   :yes:.
« Last Edit: April 12, 2015, 09:07:48 PM by Kizzie »

*

C.

  • Member
  • 1029
  • Learning from reciprocity as I heal from CPTSD.
    • View Profile
I know.  It's like C-PTSD can be such an incredibly toxic combination.  I'm sure PD people need that compassion as well, but perhaps others w/other forms of health can initially recognize, respond and support appropriately.  I too hope that I get there one day.  For now, I'm focusing on healing the C-PTSD part to the level at which that becomes an option...

*

Annegirl

  • Member
  • 297
  • Wild and Free
    • View Profile
I think this is very wise. C and Kizzie, I'm doing the same. (except for with my husband i have to try and cope the best way possible) my T is only doing the thought enquiry when i ask her.

last session she told me because i got upset about my husband's opinions about me and when he gets angry that I'm not strong enough to be in contact with my mother yet.

 (which is not in any of my plans but it looks like from one email she wanted to start a relationship with me but I haven't answered and might never)

*

C.

  • Member
  • 1029
  • Learning from reciprocity as I heal from CPTSD.
    • View Profile
I think that I hear you Annegirl.  Perhaps if I'd become aware of my C-PTSD and my children's father's "issues" much earlier I'd have had a very different experience and learned ways to cope w/him better.  Healing and keeping a family together are incredibly admirable goals and it sounds like they are quite important to you too.  That takes a profound inner strength.  I admire your efforts.

*

Annegirl

  • Member
  • 297
  • Wild and Free
    • View Profile
Thank you so much C.  :hug: