Letter to my mom

[Panda]

Note: Due to my mother having been dead for the last 19 years, this is in no danger of actually being sent.
I am okay with comments, if anyone has any. Please no justification for why she could have acted how she did.


I'm talking about unhealthy relationships, neglect and general life ruining here. None of it is graphic enough to warrant a trigger warning, I think, but if I should have added one please let me know and I'll add it in asap.


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Mom,


I started this so many times by now...


I'm angry. I'm unbelievably angry. I hope you get the payback for what you did and caused wherever you are. (*. It's *.)


It's not just what you did to me. It's not just the fact that I'm 32, time is running out and I'm terrified of having a child because I might become you. It's not just the fact that I can't go into health stores or craft stores without panic attacks. It's not just the fact that some days I feel so fundamentally broken.


It's what you did to dad. It's how you stripped him of his chances, blamed him for it, made sure he would stay unhappy for the rest of his life...
Imagine how life would've been if you hadn't manipulated him into having a child and waited until he would've been done with his degree. It would have been two/three years and we both know that's really not such a long time.


But I wish you could see him now and see what you've done and/or helped reinforced because he has CPTSD too and had it before you. He has like, two friends and even that might be stretching it. He has a job he doesn't like earning money that's just not enough. And he's too old to be doing that, especially with the drinking he did in the past.
And he could've been an engineer. But you didn't want that, right? Didn't want him to feel like he was better than you because he graduated and you didn't.


Now, on raising a child... I don't have one myself, as I said.
But I've seen people interact with kids. I regularly spent time with the kids in my wife's family.
I don't know what was wrong with you.


The needs of the parents are not and will not ever be more important than the needs of an underage, helpless, depending child. *, I have cats and even then I do a better job than you because I a) make sure they have food they can/will eat b) they get medical care when they need it c) I comfort them when they are in pain/upset d) I treat them age appropriate e) I love them unconditionally and if they do something I don't want them to I try to understand why and fix whatever the problem is.


I understand some of these things are harder with an actual human child that has its own ideas of what it wants and has to deal with outside influences but... the basics are the same.
Honestly I think I've done more caring things for my cats than you ever did for me and you've been in my life for 13 years and they've only been in my life for 10.


I'm disappointed.
Like, I'm autistic, I have CPTSD and a number of things else wrong with me and I know better than you.
I have once, once in my life tried to deal with a child doing something I didn't want me to the way you did with me and their reaction broke my heart.
And then I fixed it, apologized, made it up to them and never made that mistake again.


You could have had that. You could have had a child that loved you, wanted to spent time with you and would actually be sad with no mixed feelings after you died.


But the thing is, I'm here, you're not.
And in a year, I'll have a kid. And I'll be everything you never were. I'll be the parent this child deserves, the parent they can depend on, do fun stuff with and if they like someone else more than me, sure I'll be a bit hurt, but that's what happens when kids grow.
You can't keep a kid 7 no matter how much you try.


Mom, I'm starting to have a good life despite what you did.
And I can't thank you enough for all the things I know not to do now.


Also I still kinda miss you.
(Also I kinda hope you're not really in *. Maybe purgatory, even if we don't really believe in that)


See you in around 50 years or so.

[Not Alone]

Panda, just want you to know that I read your letter.