The Male Her

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Phoebes

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The Male Her
« on: May 03, 2020, 04:47:25 PM »
Last night my uNd finally called. He said 3 days earlier he "would call tomorrow" in response to my asking how he was doing and what he was up to that evening by text. This is his MO, although he normally never calls at all after saying he will. If I call him out he has an excuse. I was expecting him to have an excuse this time, but instead, he gaslighted me and said, "finally you're there. I haven't heard your voice in a long time."  :stars:

I've reached out a few times and gotten one word responses. I've checked on him a few times by text, but he has not checked on me during the entire pandemic. So finally, for the first time last night, three days after the last time he said he'd call tomorrow, he said several things to the tune of "why haven't you called me" and "good to hear your voice- calls are better than texts." (He has never initiated a text nor called the entire pandemic.) So, this tells me that he is expecting ME to call "them". He sounded mildly hostile in his tone. This means they have likely been discussing why I haven't called (this is a pattern).

You may be wondering why DON't I just call. Well, when I call, I can expect to be put on speaker so Nsm can be in on the conversation. She has kept us from having one on one conversations with our dad for years to the point one of the points we made at the holidays is that we want to be able to speak to our dad one on one. I said on several occasions to him, please take me off speaker, or, I will call, but I don't want to be put on speaker. The last time he did call before the pandemic, he put me on speaker. (And did the same to sibling). No respect of boundaries. But I digress. So, in our conversation he literally said according to the bible there should be no secrets in a marriage, and they agreed they have no secrets. So this is being used to justify her being on the phone with him, reading his texts and emails (don't even get me going on THAT part of the story).

I noticed when he called he was walking by himself (so he was "able" to call), and when he got back home it was time for him to go. But, in the conversation he didn't ask me how I was. Instead he said, " I assume you're working as usual so nothing is different." I said yes, well, other than work everything is different. He said you're getting out and seeing people right? I said, nooooo???? I have seen like one person on their porch from a distance once. Then he went on to say GCns has had to a,b, and c. Uh, yes, I know, we talk all the time, and just because I never had kids I am treated differently- Like I have no right to have a problem.

He said other things..it was all just very covert with hostile undertones, and defensive of our previous conversation about the state of the family in general. He left my house saying he had a lot of things to work on with her to make things better. But ever since then he has doubled down on his devotion to her and is MIMMICKING her entirely. I feel like I am speaking to the male her.

He just acts like nothing was ever said and go on the same. This is the expectation of both parents- get abused, don't have boundaries, pretend nothing ever happened, put on a smile and respect your elders, prioritize coddling the parents when they don't have the time of day for you. And wrap it up in twisted around scripture.

I left the conversation feeling exhausted, gaslit, covertly scolded, and unheard/unseen. Worse than usual. I used to think I was reading too much into it and too sensitive, but now i feel like I finally get it.

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Kizzie

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Re: The Male Her
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2020, 05:49:38 PM »
Quote
I left the conversation feeling exhausted, gaslit, covertly scolded, and unheard/unseen. Worse than usual. I used to think I was reading too much into it and too sensitive, but now i feel like I finally get it.

I think you do get it Phoebes and it's not an easy truth to deal with so I am sending you a big  :grouphug: and hope that provides a bit of support and comfort.  I'm certain others will know exactly what you're talking about and how all of that N behav made you feel.

One thing I found over time was that I liked knowing what I was seeing (even though it sucks to deal w/N parenting), because I could see and feel it really wasn't me, it was them.  It helped with all those confusing feelings and sense of dread and brain fog I used to have around my family. I hope this will happen for you also  :yes:

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Phoebes

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Re: The Male Her
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2020, 05:58:30 PM »
Thank you, Kizzie. That's  good way to look at it!  :hug: I think I've just recently started to wrap my head around the fact that my dad was not t he "good guy" in comparison. He is majorly enabling. I know he's human. I struggle with the whole "they're doing the best they can" theme. Is he? Was he? I'm feeling kind of hopeless in the second parent relationship I hoped for so long to improve and be good. It feels like I just simply don't matter to them, and any feeling I have is to be taken with great offense. Thank you for the support. I know ONLY here people get this stuff.

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notalone

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Re: The Male Her
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2020, 01:36:47 AM »
I left the conversation feeling exhausted, gaslit, covertly scolded, and unheard/unseen. Worse than usual. I used to think I was reading too much into it and too sensitive, but now i feel like I finally get it.
From what I read, it seems you were hoping to receive care from your dad, but he didn't even ask how you were. That sounds really hurtful.

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Phoebes

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Re: The Male Her
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2020, 03:10:22 AM »
Thanks, Notalone. Yes, I've been wondering why the whole pandemic he hasn't even inquired about how I was doing. That was really hurtful and you nailed it that is was a major factor in my frustration. All the rest was just bonus.   :fallingbricks:

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Kizzie

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Re: The Male Her
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2020, 05:44:04 PM »
Being an enabler is a choice and another betrayal/abandonment of you IMO Phoebes so I can well understand the anger and other feelings you're having.  :grouphug: