Practical Boundaries (TW)

[Windflower]

Hey everyone,

I'm in need of some practical advice. I realize everyone's situation is different but I am completely mentally overwhelmed right now and struggling to focus on realistic coping skills.

Specifically, I am wondering what are some realistic boundaries I can set for myself to avoid getting to this place of complete overwhelm as much as possible without moving to a mountaintop somewhere haha.

My situation:

In childhood my mom used me as a surrogate spouse in every way but sexually. I was responsible for many household tasks and maintaining things on our small farm (this included a whole laundry list of things my dad should have been responsible for), she would come to me all day every day for marriage and parenting advice (my sister was an out of control terror at the time), and relied on me heavily for comfort and emotional support. I was homeschooled so there was literally no escape.

My dad, textbook narcissistic sociopath. Creepy and scary as * when no one was around and oh so charming when we had company. The ways that man screwed with my head are countless but to say he went from extreme rage to weeks of silent treatment and the mind games... mental exhaustion to the max for me in the middle of it all with no support and zero escape.

Fast forward to now, I'm 23, live half hour from my parents, renting my own place and holding down a good job in spite of how much I'm struggling. Nightmares, flashbacks, extreme emotional pain, self harm... you name it I'm struggling with it. Trying to find a good therapist who specializes in this stuff but that is really hard right now, partially because I work in healthcare and with this pandemic my job is extremely taxing mentally, physically, and emotionally and taking anything else on right now is really hard.

So I am just wondering, how can I realistically create a safe space for myself, boundaries without going no contact? For those who will insist no contact is best, I would be so guilt ridden that's not gonna work for me right now. I've considered moving hours away so I legitimately can't see them much, but that would be a huge change too. Please share what has worked or not for you, just trying to get some ideas from those who know how hard this is.

Much love to you all and thanks in advance 💕

[Blueberry]

Not everybody here is NC with FOO. Some of us are VLC or VVVLC.

I learnt a lot at our sister website https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1/ Check especially Boundaries, Grey Rock, Medium Chill.

[Three Roses]

Firstly, thank you for being on the frontline, so to speak, in this battle against cv19. I appreciate the sacrifices, work, and time you and others are giving! 

I echo what Blueberry has said, and I'll emphasize that gray rock has worked for me, and also when faced with pressure to divulge details or discuss something you don't want to, the broken record approach has worked wonderfully for me. It's explained here - https://www.gp-training.net/training/leadership/assertiveness/broken.htm

Lastly, these are 5 ways to respond to a N - https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k (5 key phrases)

Good luck! Let us know how things go -

[Kizzie]

Agree with BB and TR, there are a lot of good resources at Out of the FOG - really helped me (I am low contact w/my NPDM and VLC or NC with other family).  One genuine reason for not seeing/contacting them much is that you are a healthcare worker in the middle of a pandemic. 

Just wanted to mention that there are a lot of MH professionals offering free virtual care to healthcare workers which might be helpful (i.e., might offer caring, compassionate support in the face of the ongoing trauma of working with COVID patients vs therapy for CPTSD and past trauma).

[Windflower]

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your support and those resources. I will definitely check them out.

[Kizzie]