Stuck inbetween critics and shame

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Gromit

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Stuck inbetween critics and shame
« on: June 05, 2020, 07:14:25 PM »
Yesterday I made the connection, I remembered that being critical of others was my Outer Critic. Yay, read some Pete Walker.

That didn’t last, I started some telephone counselling this week to process what happened at the beginning of the year, long story short, DD very ill and I stayed with her in hospital for 7 weeks. She is almost back to normal but will need a minor procedure which she has now been referred for.

So I have been dreaming, and feeling down since the 1st session, remembering today how the hospital staff all refer to me as DD’s mum, not Gromit. Mentioned it out loud today as a recent virtual appointment reminded me of it. My OH said he was more concerned that they didn’t know exactly what caused DD’s illness. I am kind of ok about that uncertainty, they have done what they could to prevent it happening again, I think only a thorough dissection would have discovered the cause. However, I immediately felt shame at his comment. I wasn’t sure why, I thought it was something to do with feeling shame on the behalf of the doctors, they did their best, certainly better than our local hospital. Or was it shame because I was thinking of myself? How lonely I felt, no one even using my name? How frivolous when there was DD’s health which was more important? I guess so. Who am I to feel bad because people who are treating my child and relying on me to care for her, make appointments etc, cannot be bothered to use my name when it is probably in the notes in front of them?

But, in other news, yes, I am being so critical.
And now turning it on myself too. I had an email about a course I was on. I had missed half the sessions and never got a response from my last email. I do, however, get emails about the teachers Zoom activities now. So I responded so all recipients could see, saying how my DD was better and I was hoping to return to the next sessions of the course. Of course, I was hoping someone might say something about that, but they haven’t. So I feel bad for making it ‘about me’.

G

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notalone

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Re: Stuck inbetween critics and shame
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2020, 03:56:18 AM »
Your DD being in the hospital would have been really hard and stressful for you. You needed care and to be seen.

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Gromit

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Re: Stuck inbetween critics and shame
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2020, 07:17:41 AM »
Your DD being in the hospital would have been really hard and stressful for you. You needed care and to be seen.

Thanks, I was kind of seen, by the ward sister, although she never used my name and, in some ways, put more pressure on me telling me I should get off the ward, go home, it wasn’t good for me etc. The order to ‘self care’ without helping that happen if you see what I mean?

When I first got there I asked about space to practice yoga somewhere on site. I found studios nearby but my DD didn’t want me going out for long and I could not commit to a studio schedule, not knowing when I might be able to go out. I did manage it once, but having somewhere onsite would have really helped.

Although that is aside from my critics, and the shame of thinking about myself. Although, my OH did that too, he kept asking if I could commute. That would only have helped him, not me or DD.

Thanks for seeing me Notalone.



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Three Roses

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Re: Stuck inbetween critics and shame
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2020, 03:20:21 PM »
I'm happy to hear your daughter is better.

It sounds like you were really present, "there", for your daughter. That's wonderful to hear as so many moms (mine included) weren't there for their kids. The stress of that situation must've been incredible. Good for you for not commuting! You did what felt right to you, and that's awesome.
 :heythere:

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Gromit

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Re: Stuck inbetween critics and shame
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2020, 03:57:27 PM »
I'm happy to hear your daughter is better.

It sounds like you were really present, "there", for your daughter. That's wonderful to hear as so many moms (mine included) weren't there for their kids. The stress of that situation must've been incredible. Good for you for not commuting! You did what felt right to you, and that's awesome.
 :heythere:

Thanks, I felt if I commuted I might have had a complete breakdown, or accident, trying to find a parking space in Bristol City is never easy.