Addiction Betrayal of Trust

buddy9832 · May 06, 2020, 12:20:13 AM

I am the biggest loser. I won't get into the details but my demons caught up with me yesterday that caused a major loss in trust with my wife. I failed her, unwittingly or at least not consciously I managed to find all of her demons and bring them back to light.

I don't know how I could ever repair the trust that I broke but my wife and children are my life. Outside of them there is nothing and I'm terrified to lose that.

Panda · May 14, 2020, 07:31:17 AM

That sounds like you're going through a super tough time, buddy. I just wanted you to know that I heard you, even if I sadly don't have anything to offer but a listening ear.

Three Roses · May 14, 2020, 01:23:22 PM

So sorry to hear you're having a rough time! I apologize for not seeing this sooner, don't know how I missed it.

Rough days and hurt feelings go hand in hand with this beast we carry with us. I know all too well the feeling of letting others down, hurting feelings, betraying trust, etc. You're not alone in that!

Hope better days are coming to you

Kizzie · May 14, 2020, 05:03:17 PM

I'm so sorry I missed this too Buddy. How are things going now?

buddy9832 · May 18, 2020, 02:31:22 AM

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the encouraging words. It is nice to know that there is a community here to provide a helping hand and an ear.

Things are going better now. More or less after this event I had, I guess a mental breakdown. Things got dark. My brain was spinning faster and faster and I couldn't slow it down. Fortunately, even though my wife was upset and deeply hurt for my actions, she realized I was loosing the bubble and was able to put her feelings aside and be with me. She helped me get through the night.

I felt so incredibly alone. I no longer have blood family. They have either passed or moved away. A majority of the family I lost was when I was in the service and wasn't able to have closure. To lose her and my children would have been devastating. I felt like I had failed my kids. I wasn't able to read them bedtime stories, it was just too hard.

The next day I spoke with my therapist and psychologist and my wife and I started couple's therapy again. She is still is hurt. I violated her trust but I'm doing my best to rebuild that trust and she can see that. She appreciates that. Each day that has past is getting a little better.

I've only really been dealing with my mental heath for the last two years. I think to a degree I was still not giving it the reverence that it deserves. I think this event has helped ground me and take more seriously my issues.

Kizzie · May 18, 2020, 03:55:25 PM

So glad to hear that you have spoken to your wife, therapist and here Buddy, I hope it helps. Knowing we do have people who care for us, understand what we are going through and support us is an antidote to the loneliness, fear and mistrust trauma survivors tend to feel.

There are some articles & a podcast here for spouses/partners of someone with CPTSD that your wife might find helpful - https://heathertuba.com/articles/.

buddy9832 · May 19, 2020, 01:49:22 AM

Thank you for sending these articles, I'll be sure to give them a look and send them to my wife.

Panda · May 19, 2020, 10:43:04 AM

It's sad to hear that things went so dark for you, that must be very hard. I'm glad you could reach out to your mental health team and that you and your wife are starting couple's therapy again, I think that's a very good idea and a brave step to take. I hope you can heal the rift between your wife and yourself with time, it sounds like you're taking steps into the right direction!

buddy9832 · May 26, 2020, 02:50:35 AM

Thank you! My wife is still hurt but as each day has gone by things are getting better.

The couples therapy has really been helping. The therapist was able to highlight obviously my issues but also my wife's that contributed to such a reaction.

Three Roses · May 26, 2020, 05:08:04 AM

I'm glad that therapy is helping. I'm interested to hear more from you and hope you can keep us posted. I care about you. (Really, I do.)

buddy9832 · May 27, 2020, 03:02:34 AM

Thank you Three Roses, I appreciate it.

The openness and generosity that you and this community provides is incredible. I honestly feel a little guilty not responding to other people's post but I don't think I'm at a space yet to offer advice or my opinion. I feel like I have a long ways to go.

We actually had Couple's today. I'm not sure if it is related but a lot of focus was spent on working through my recurring nightmares. They've been coming back over the past few weeks. More or less these nightmares involve some type of scenario in which someone is hunting me. Whether it be in a war zone and someone is trying to kill me or cops are after me, etc.

My wife notices that I startle more easily during those nights. The Couple's therapist thinks I'm running from something but I honestly don't know what that would be. Fear of abandonment perhaps? I'm not sure.

Related we've also been working on means to be more open with each other. To keep an open dialogue. I usually am not the type of person that would detail to my wife how I am feeling. She has her own demons and I suppose I feel like I don't want to burden her. With that said I've been more open with her (she's always been open) and I think it's helping us become closer.

Three Roses · May 27, 2020, 03:01:45 PM

Please don't worry about not responding to posts. The focus of this forum is, first and foremost, your personal healing. Anything else takes a distant 2nd place.

There are ways you can influence your dreams while still in them. Google "lucid dreaming" if you're interested in learning more.

Male and female brains are physiologically different. We use communication differently than males. Strengthening and deepening communication and connection is our focus (males mainly use communication for establishing hierarchy and managing conflict). When you tell your wife what's going on with you, chances are good that she sees this as you drawing closer to her, not burdening her. More about male/female communication in "You Just Don't Understand!" by Deborah Tannen.

Take care! You matter.

Kizzie · May 27, 2020, 04:40:22 PM

QuoteRelated we've also been working on means to be more open with each other. To keep an open dialogue. I usually am not the type of person that would detail to my wife how I am feeling. She has her own demons and I suppose I feel like I don't want to burden her. With that said I've been more open with her (she's always been open) and I think it's helping us become closer.

The nice thing about opening up to her is that it allows her to open up to you, not so much a burden then but something that instead brings you closer together as you suggested.