Deep Blue: Finding hope

[Deep Blue]

Hello all,
I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and wanted to start a new journal to reflect that.

I've been on the new medication for anxiety and sleep for a bit now.  Things are going well on it.  It can make me groggy and a bit dizzy at night (bathroom trips become interesting) but it has really improved my sleep. 

Nightmares are still there, but I am able to go to sleep pretty quickly now.  I've been tracking my sleep.  A month ago, I was awake for about 3 hours a night.  Now I'm down to about an hour!

Sleep is so restorative.  I'm handling therapy better too! We are still doing emd (restricted). Next step is to get into emd (unrestricted).  I have some anxiety about that because I don't trust where my mind will go if given full range.

My T says I'm ready. My positive belief that I feel is true, is that I'm moving in the right direction.  The thing that is holding me back is that I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.  I will have to see how it goes first before I will know...

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue, I'm glad to hear about the positive things that are happening. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Wishing you the best with your new journal, and so glad to hear you're sleeping better than you did before.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

FWIW I believe you will be able to handle it. I'm in your corner. 

[Deep Blue]

Not alone and Hope,
Thanks for the warm wishes    It's good to hear from you both.

3R,
Ha ha thanks for the encouragement.  I have hope that you are right and can handle it.  I'm just kind of a tangible person, so I need to experience it first before I'll be able to answer that question... makes sense?
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I slept well again last night. Woke up feeling good.  Did some work stuff and now I'm gonna do some school stuff with my kid.

I'm bribing him with legos to do the work.  Husband doesn't like it.  He said I shouldn't bribe him to do something that he should already be doing.  The thing is, it's my sanity I am protecting here.  I'm tired of the tantrums over schoolwork from him.  Yes I have more patience these days...  but I want school to be an enjoyable experience for us both

[Three Roses]

As far as bribery... I've heard it said that adults are bribed to go to work by getting a paycheck, haha! I'm all for whatever keeps the peace in these stressful times. You might want to tell your husband that teachers regularly use bribery to help motivate students (they just have different phraseology for it ).

[sanmagic7]

 

so glad things are going in a positive direction, so much so that your journal is reflecting it.  yay!

i have faith in both your t and you that, while it may get bumpy at times, you'll be able to manage.  love and hugs, dear heart.

[Sceal]

Glad you're feeling better, Blue. And that your'e getting better sleep It's so important.

Perhaps tell that husband of yours that if he doesn't like, then he can deal with the tantrums and the teaching and helping with the homework.

[Not Alone]

I'm bribing him with legos to do the work.

We call that "positive reinforcement." I'm all in favor of that.

[Deep Blue]

Hit a heavy trigger yesterday.  I had a flashback but no panic attack.

I have been dizzy since last night though.  Ive have really bad vertigo all day.

Hope it's gone tomorrow

[Snookiebookie2]

Sending a hug Deep Blue x 

I hate it when I get triggered. I hope you have managed to work through this and that you're feeling better today.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks snookiebookie.
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Well things got crazy for me the last few days but I'm doing better now. 

Long story short... I had a trigger when I was getting a deep tissue massage.  He's a talker and I see him about once a week.  I know getting a massage sounds relaxing, but that is not the type I get.  He does deep muscle massage, sometimes I'm covered in bruises when he is finished.  It's painful, but within a couple days it really seems to help me.

So anyway, I'm face down on the table and he was talking about adhd...

******trigger warning**** pa
So he says that he prob has had adhd His whole life. Says that he wished his parents knew about it then... said that his parents..... (deep breath.... I'm gonna try to be brave right now and type this) his parents punished him with a b*** when he wouldn't stay still... then he said that he remembers getting a c... said that he remembers a word with each syllable.... and I was gone.


*****End trigger warning *******
Flashback hit and I Don't remember the rest of the massage.  Usually I'm totally aware when he is working on painful muscles etc... nope I zoned out completely.

I got home that night and felt dizzy.  I went to bed early.

Next day I woke up... still dizzy... I slept pretty much all of the day away.

Yesterday I felt less light headed but still had a couple dizzy spells.

So then I went to therapy today.  My T said I seemed distant... zoned out... i told her I'd been dizzy and assumed I was just tired.

Finally I told her what happened with my massage guy and she helped me put the pieces together.  I dissociated for 2 and a half days!!!! I didn't realize it!

Yes I still have some light headedness but I'm trying to ground and be mindful and get my head more leveled.

I'm ok... I'm still doing pretty well considering.  The nightmares are still not keeping me awake.  This was just a weird side track for the week.  I guess the road to recovery isn't a straight line? 

[sanmagic7]

i guess it isn't.  that was quite an experience for you.  i'm glad you and your t were able to figure it out.

sending love and a hug filled with grounding

[Blueberry]

Deep Blue, I would have been really badly triggered in that situation too. I'm really happy for you that you can say you're doing OK. Seems like a pretty quick recovery to me. Which means Wow! Good going on your part!

Sending good thoughts and grounding 

[Not Alone]

No wonder you were triggered.  Glad you were able to process with T. The recovery road is definitely not straight!