Deep Blue: Finding hope

[Blueberry]

Had a bit of a hiccup and dissociated again but only for a day.  Good news is that I knew the signs and became aware of it myself this time.  (Progress)

[Three Roses]

 

[Deep Blue]

Hi all,
It's been a beat since I felt like posting.

Things are going well here.  I'm sleeping much better.  I still get triggered but not as much.  The big ones are still there. 

I'm sad to report that it seems that my psychiatrist was right.  She said that since I'm not having panic attacks like I used to, that I'd probably dissociate more.  I do dissociate more than I used to.  Good news it isn't that often anymore.

Last week my friend and I went for a hike.  She told me her poison ivy had spread on her stomach again.  Just hearing her talk about the clothing item that may have caused it was enough to make me dissociate later.

Then this week I injured my back.  I actually didn't know if it was really injured or if was a body memory.  I saw my T first... she noticed I had dissociated but I told her I hadn't.  Then I went to the chiropractor and he confirmed I had indeed injured it.  Whether the pain was real or a body memory it caused a reaction in me. 
****** trigger warning*****



It brought me back to how I felt after the PA.  My body hurt and I'd try to hide it.  I wouldn't let people see me limp. I would always bite down on my lip hard so I didn't yell out.  And no crying... I was not allowed to cry.   

*** end trigger warning***

Wow I unpacked quite a bit of baggage today.  Maybe I'll come back later and see if what I wrote makes any kind of sense.
Much love all 💙

[Tee]

  nice to hear from you I'm half you are making it. Sometimes we need to distance ourselves to give ourselves a little break.  Hugs life is hard don't beat yourself up for dissociating it happens to protect us when we aren't ready to deal with stuff.   

[Not Alone]

I find physical pain triggering also. You did unpack a lot and you made sense. 

[Hope67]

Dear Deep Blue,
You have unpacked such a lot there, and it made sense to me as well.   
I'm glad you're sleeping much better. 
I hope your back pain improves so you can get some relief soon.
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hello all,
Been feeling good considering school is about to start up.  I'm in a strange situation because I'm in a different district than my son.  He will be doing online schooling and I will be back in person.

I start up Friday of next week.

The annoying thing is that my vertigo rocked my world yesterday and I'm still feeling the effects today.  I'm hopeful I'm back to normal by tomorrow.

Take care all!

[Three Roses]

Ugh, vertigo is the worst! Hope you're feeling better 

[marta1234]

Sending much support, Deep Blue . Thank you for updating us, and as 3R said, vertigo does suck (although I haven't had it that much).

[Deep Blue]

Vertigo is gone I think! Yay!  It was rough there for a few days.

School starts for me this Friday.  My son is looking forward to going back to daycare because I've kept him home through all this. Problem is we will have to limit contact with my in laws and my family now that my son will be in daycare.

So yeah, some intrepidation about the upcoming week but hoping that others will be in the same boat as me and I can adjust accordingly.

[Three Roses]

  So glad to hear the vertigo is gone! 

[Not Alone]

Hope your first day back at school goes well.

[Three Roses]

Hope today goes smoothly!

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I really hope that your first day back at school was ok.

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Not alone, hope, 3R,
First day went well.  It was a lot of meetings and preparations for the upcoming year. 

It looks like I will be teaching 4 different classes.  I long for the way things used to be, where I could see my students and hug them and ask them about their summers.

Now it's all social distancing, cleaning protocols and online curriculum.  Frustrating but all I can do is to keep on keeping on.

Much love to you all!