Another new member

[periwinkle]

Hi everyone.

I am not totally sure if I have CPTSD. I have had my share of adverse experiences growing up. My mother was neglectful, my father was mostly absent and often manipulative when he was present and I lived with a relative who was violent with our living space in a deliberate way to make me feel unsafe, for a while. I have stopped being in contact with my family at 19, after wanting to burn bridges with them for a long time. Growing up in poverty and not really being parented by anyone, with no guidance or support, and love that only took the form of token "i love you"s here and there, caused the bulk of the chronic stress that might make a CPTSD label apply to me. Some bullying when I was a child and an unstable housing situation as a teenager also didn't help.

I have thought of my mental health problems as: (social/generalized) anxiety, depression, avoidant personality disorder. I have gotten some of these conditions diagnosed. I have been in therapy on and off, three times. Right now it has been years since I last went to therapy. The last time I gave up on it because of an incident where the therapist was trying to convince me I was being irrational about being afraid of ending up homeless... while I was going through being kicked out of where I lived, which was housing for youth at risk of homelessness. It was not the first time therapy was hurtful and invalidating and at that point I decided it would be the last.

Distance from my family has allowed me to heal to some extent, but I still have a long way to go. I am still dealing with isolation that is the outcome of having had severe social anxiety for a long time, and I still struggle to form and maintain friendships up to this day. I had an especially bad episode of worsening symptoms recently and I want to renew my commitment to recover and take care of myself. I think peer support can help me with that and I hope I can provide some for others too. (I am looking into therapy too, with a lot of reluctance...)

I don't know if CPTSD is a totally accurate label for me. I keep thinking to myself that I don't have enough or the right kind of trauma for this to make sense. But I have lived with chronic, inescapable stress for a solid decade as a child/teen, and that was really damaging to my mental health. And I think it still has an impact on me.

So... yup. That's it for now.

[Three Roses]

Hey there, welcome to the forum! Here, you will find a community that is supportive and shares a lot of information that will help you.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with therapy. Sadly it's something else that a lot of us here share. But things are changing, and trauma informed care is becoming more accessible.

Here's some links to resources within our site - a list of downloads for you to print out and take to appointments with your health care team - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

Here's a thread started by our website's creator on finding a therapist, containing many helpful links -
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9072.msg64663#msg64663

A description of cptsd - https://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-description (you mentioned growing up in poverty and being neglected, which are both cptsd-inducing).

And finally, outside this website - Pete Walker is a therapist who has written a book called "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" - many of us have found his book validating and informative (mine is usually on my nightstand) - his website contains much of the same info as his book - http://pete-walker.com

Again, welcome, and thanks for joining and adding your voice!

[saylor]

Welcome, periwinkle.

Yes, working with a therapist who invalidates your trauma and resulting struggles can be really rough—I've been there. It is really important to find a trauma-informed professional, if you choose to explore therapy again. I'd say it's also probably a good idea to try to find someone who specializes in childhood trauma. The last therapist I went to claimed to specialize in PTSD, but she didn't seem to take my childhood experiences very seriously (she seemed to be more geared towards working with combat vets). She was downright dismissive, which got in the way of us having a productive interchange.

Relationships can be really hard after growing up in an environment of severe interpersonal trauma. I struggle a lot with wanting to connect with others, but also getting triggered a lot in my adult relationships. When I feel someone's being unfairly harsh or insensitive towards me, I often just shut down. I tend to feels it's easier to just isolate myself (which I do a lot), but that's not the best way to heal. Quality relationships are needed to heal attachment wounds.

I'm glad you've joined us, and I look forward to hearing more from you 

[Not Alone]

Welcome 

[periwinkle]

Thanks for the welcome, links and kind words!

I started reading Pete Walker's book and some of the content resonates, some less... I have a small list of books about CPTSD queued and I hope they'll provide some insights that can help me along the way. I want to find ways to invest myself in my recovery that aren't therapy, because even assuming I *can* find a therapist who's a good fit, it'll be a long time before I do, probably.

Anyway... onwards!

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, periwinkle! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Periwinkle!   

I don't know if CPTSD is a totally accurate label for me. I keep thinking to myself that I don't have enough or the right kind of trauma for this to make sense. But I have lived with chronic, inescapable stress for a solid decade as a child/teen, and that was really damaging to my mental health. And I think it still has an impact on me.

What you describe certainly sounds like the conditions that lead to the development of Complex PTSD; that is, ongoing relational trauma (neglect/emotional abuse by parents, domestic violence by your relative, poverty) with no avenue of escape. These all contribute to a sense of: being unloved, unsafe, not belonging, not have value or worth which is life threatening when you're a child/youth in your formative years. It means we are alone in the world and vulnerable and that is traumatic.

You may want to read more about the six symptoms of CPTSD and see if they resonate with how you feel.  https://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms

[Snowdrop]

Hello and welcome, Periwinkle.

[owl25]

Welcome  periwinkle    I only barely joined myself, but have found this community to be immensely valuable already. I am glad you found it as well.

I suffered from "just" unintentional emotional neglect and a parent who drank. This alone was enough to cause c-PTSD for me. I think emotional neglect is all it takes, no matter how well intentioned parents may have been. I know my parents loved me, and did the best they could, but their own traumas  got in the way of them being able to provide a young child and teen adequately emotional care. It would make sense to me that you might have developed c-PTSD as well based on your description. The six symptoms listed when you follow Kizzie's link really stood out for me.

See you around on the board