had 27 days...until half an hour ago

[starkravingsane]

Hi. I would just like to preface this by saying that I have had a glass of champagne but I don't think I'm really drunk yet so I hope it is okay to be on the boards nonetheless.


I had been sober for 27 days but they have been really, really, really difficult days. I was inpatient for the first 12 of them, and that was mostly just killing time--the therapy and psychiatry were not really very helpful. What was helpful was that I made a group of friends and people told me things like I was fun to be around, which I don't know if I've ever heard before, and that made me cry repeatedly. Happy tears. I have been so isolated for many years, long before the pandemic.


Anyway, since then my psychiatrist has cancelled on me twice and it has become quite apparent that I am still manic or hypomanic and it is not going anywhere. It is not a nice hypomania, either--while I am not psychotic or doing anything dangerous, I am very anxious, agitated, and angry. I feel very edgy all the time, like I'm crawling out of my skin.


Anyway, the urges to drink/use/self-harm have been building as I have been feeling like I've been working so GD hard for my recovery and it has only been getting harder to stay safe, sober, and sane. I've been using skills all day, I've been staying active, taking my meds like clockwork, eating as well as I can, going to meetings, talking to healthy people, pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do things I am scared to do, etc. etc. etc.


I have also been doing a lot of work with "parts." It makes me feel stupid, like I am making stuff up, but I do kind of feel some validity to these younger parts of me from trauma times that are sort of at odds with me or each other. It is new to me and I am doing my best with it but I don't really know what I am doing and I often feel like I am "faking it." I have a multitude of things for which I am feeling quite a bit of guilt. Some reasonable, others not so much, just a habit of personalizing everything.


Today I know that the drinking was very much an effort to "punish" myself, as it came along with a strong urge to self-harm--I stopped to buy first-aid items just in case as well. I was/am feeling a lot of guilt and shame. I think it was a complicated thing that had to do with "parts" and I could have chosen to go to a place in the park that might have been comforting to younger parts but I chose self-punishment over it.


Anyway. I am sorry for blathering on. I feel like I have no one to turn to when things get like this. As I was just saying in a comment on another post, I have friends who get the alcoholism/addiction, and friends who get some simpler mental health issues, but who gets complex ptsd with a dissociative disorder and addiction issues and bipolar disorder and eating disorder and let's just add the rest of the DSM in there for fun... I don't even get it and I've been at this for a very long time.


I don't even need someone to experience the things I do...I just wish I had someone who was able to listen compassionately and understand to some extent and really be able to be fully nonjudgmental. But if I can't even do that for myself then how could anyone else?


<end emotion dump>

[findingpeace2018]

Im so sorry you are struggling with this and all these awful feelings Starkravingsane.  Im no expert, and dont really have any advice, but wanted to let you know I understand what you are going thru.  I was once sober for 6.5 years, then we had our daughter which turned out to be very triggering (ie: how can I protect and nurture this baby to ensure her safety and health?).  Her birth led me down this journey and to my CPTSD diagnosis. 

I know the guilt, shame and pain of "relapsing".  I know these feeling of doing it over and over again.  Im still struggling with drinking, but am better than I was years ago (although I get triggered easier now which causes issues).  So, again, Im sorry, I dont have any good advice.  But I hear you.

One thing I would say, is to try and be kind to yourself.  We are human beings who have faced the awful, awful side of humanity.  You are doing the best you can, and beating yourself up will not undo your drinking.  Its hard, I get it.  Especially when we have spent so much time being beaten up by others.  But please, treat yourself as you would a friend who is struggling with these same issues.  Self compassion has started to help me in many areas....but it is baby steps....

I also wanted to say thank you for being so brave and posting this.  I have wanted to post on this board so many times but have been to scared to.  I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but I guess it helps to share our experiences.  You helped me, so thank you.  I hope I have heloed you even if it is in the smallest way.  You are not alone.

[Kizzie]

I'm no expert either starkravingsane but like findingpeace I know the struggle and want to lend my support, to let you know you I'm here to listen and offer some suggestion that may help.

If you aren't a trauma survivor you don't really understand how awful it is to feel hyperaroused, like you're crawling out of your skin.  Even most addiction counselors haven't made the link between addiction and trauma. One physician who truly gets the link between trauma and addiction is Gabor Mate.  If you Google him it will bring up numerous videos in which he talks about the issue with such humanity and compassion it may help the triggered part of you to calm a bit knowing there are those who understand. 

It also may help you to feel less shame and more self-compassionate and that is a huge step and true beginning in recovery, self-protection against the need to numb.

Reaching out here is another step toward trying to help yourself and it sounds like you're doing all kinds of other healthy self-care so big kudos to you   

[Not Alone]

I have also been doing a lot of work with "parts." It makes me feel stupid, like I am making stuff up, but I do kind of feel some validity to these younger parts of me from trauma times that are sort of at odds with me or each other. It is new to me and I am doing my best with it but I don't really know what I am doing and I often feel like I am "faking it."

I've been working with my Parts for quite awhile, and even now on occasion, feel like I'm making it up. Those who really understand trauma, know about Parts.