Owl's journal

[owl25]

I am quite nervous to start this journal, but part of me is really drawn to do so. I feel a bit scared to, as if I haven't been here long enough to be allowed. I only just joined in the past week, so who am I to deserve to write about my experience and ask people to listen to me?

I don't quite know how I found this forum, but it was out of desperation that I tried to find a forum for people with complex trauma. When I first found this place, I still felt very disconnected, and like it probably wouldn't help much either, nothing else had. But I started reading, and.. it feels like coming home. I belong here. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, but I belong here and I'm not alone anymore.

I have been so frustrated in the past because past therapists, helplines and online articles I'd find would always suggest grounding techniques for dealing with what I now think were emotional flashbacks. It would upset me because all that was doing was dismissing my distress. It was just another way to get rid of something unpleasant that no one wanted to deal with. It increased the pain, that no one was there for me, that I was expected to just solve it on my own - exactly the message I got from my parents every time I was upset. I refused to apply those techniques. I refused to work on practicing breathing as a means to calm myself down. I suffered through the agony of the flashback and the rage and hopelessness that nothing would ever work. I raged against the idea that only I could help myself. I couldn't - I didn't know how, and no therapist I talked to seemed to get that. I kept telling them, I do not know how to do this. I don't think they could grasp that, as it was likely so different from their own experience. I felt unheard and unseen and left to deal on my own.

I have spent a lot of time distracting by researching trauma online, and found myself drawn to anything to do with parts. It resonated with me. It scared me at first, but kept reading about it. I came across Internal Family Systems maybe 5 years ago, but it was one of many therapy approaches and too "new" for it to be available to me where I live. I muddled on, found Pete Walker's website, but found his style of writing too hard to read. I couldn't really follow a lot of what he was saying. Some of it seemed interesting, but not applicable. I have gone back to him this week, decided to not let the more difficult writing get in the way. More of makes sense to me now, and also, after reading on this site the 3 additional symptoms of complex PTSD, I feel like this fits for me.

There is more I'd like to say but I think I'll leave it at this for now.

[marta1234]

Owl, I'm glad you found courage to start your journal. And I relate to your view on grounding techniques or just mental health in general. I think it's because I see most of these techniques or "tips" like ways of just subduing the pain, and not addressing it (which it is actually then opposite of). So I think I have to work to addressing the trauma (maybe therapy) to open myself up to the grounding techniques. I also many times have found books on cptsd to be too much, although I'm starting to warm up to Pete Walker's book. I say it's ok to find the books overwhelming, and the information that they show. It takes time to digest it all. For me, I tell myself to see myself as a child reading these books, and so taking it slowly and not pushing certain topics (like grieving, "silver lining", relationships) until I feel I'm ready or I want to.

Hope you find your way around the many books, and sending you support for your journal

[Three Roses]

I started reading, and.. it feels like coming home. I belong here.

Yes, you do.  You're one of us, part of the "tribe".

I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, but I belong here and I'm not alone anymore.

This is my experience, too.

You have every bit as much right as anyone to express your pain, struggles, or even victories here as anyone else. This site is meant for you.

I plan on returning to therapy at some point and am most interested in IFS. Have you seen Richard Schwartz on YouTube? I bought his book but have taken a break from it.

You may also find some comfort in the Zoom meetings that NAASCA founder Bill Murray has implemented. You don't have to appear on camera, or speak (although it's encouraged). At most you will be addressed and asked if you want to speak but it's not uncommon for people to choose to remain silent, even so far as to just type their answer to the host's invitation to speak. You will have to register to attend these. Here's where you can do that - https://zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_lES7QufkTha0_-Rs7DCh-w

I'm sorry if my previous reply to a post of yours was further triggering. My apologies.

[Not Alone]

I am glad you are feeling heard and like you belong. You are not alone and you have a right to have a voice.

I have been so frustrated in the past because past therapists, helplines and online articles I'd find would always suggest grounding techniques for dealing with what I now think were emotional flashbacks. It would upset me because all that was doing was dismissing my distress.

In Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard C. Schwartz & Martha Sweezy, they state: "If we follow the same grounding procedure with a client who is weeping in terror, the exile who has taken over is likely to hear a message that is all too familiar: go away." (p.270) Since you mentioned IFS, I thought that would interest you. Also, there are others feel the way that you do.

[owl25]

marta1234 I completely agree with you about the grounding, it makes so much sense to me. I wish mental health professionals understood that. With books, I read as fast as I can because I just want to fix things as fast as possible. I am realizing I have to slow down,  and that is hard. I just want to be healed already.

Thank you Three Roses. It does feel like a tribe, something that's always been missing for me.

Yes, I have seen Richard Schwartz, I think he really got on to something. What book do you have?  Thank you for sharing that zoom meeting, that is good to know.

It's ok about the trigger, you couldn't have known, and I'm sorry too if my deleting my posts was upsetting.

notalone thank you - part of me knows I have a right to a voice, but other parts need some help with that still.

That is really validating what they said in that book. That is exactly it. It's like the mental health profession is blind to this. It's all about symptom management, because most don't know any better. Thank you for sharing that. I have been thinking of ordering that book, but was wondering if it is meant for clients or more for therapists?
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Feeling really anxious right now because it feels like there is a lot of upheaval in my life, and I'm on my own to try and manage it.

[owl25]

I just found a new podcast, it's all about IFS, no idea that existed. If anyone is interested, the episode I listened to is here: https://theoneinside.libsyn.com/ifs-and-richard-schwartz. I really liked this interview a lot, it goes further than just the introductory interviews I've heard where he mostly tells the same story of when he first stumbled into the concept of parts.

[Three Roses]

No, deleting your post was not upsetting to me, but even if it had been you are still completely free to post and delete posts here without fearing you're upsetting someone. 

The book I was referring to is "Internal Family Systems Therapy". Here's a link to part 1 of 4 on Richard Schwartz talking about IFS - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M IFS 1of 4

[owl25]

I'm relieved that it didn't upset you, Three Roses. Glad to know  Thanks for the link, I have seen that one before, it's a good starting point. Thanks for the book title - I've been wondering which one I should get as a starting point, as there are several.

[Snowdrop]

I've found the Internal Family Systems Therapy book by Richard Schwartz to be hugely useful. I can definitely recommend it.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Three Roses]

In my opinion, if you've not read a book about cptsd or healing, a better starting point would be "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, or "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker. Just my opinion. 

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop and sanmagic7   

Thanks Three Roses, I've read The Body Keeps the Score, and am looking into ordering Pete Walker's book. I more meant that I wasn't sure which IFS book to focus on first, as I really think it is going to be the key for my healing.  I've done a ton of reading over the years so already built up quite a bit of knowledge about trauma in general, but it feels like it's all starting to come together more now. Thank you 

[owl25]

I haven't had enough time yet to be able to read and respond to others here. There is such a wealth of information here. I am also in the midst of a lot of things happening. With time I'll get to reading more and replying.
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Yesterday was an intense day. I spent time with different parts during different parts of the day. It has been possible due to reading others' experiences with IFS here, combined with the little I have been able to do with my new therapist, whom I'm only just starting to get to know. It really is brand new for me and I am only at the start of this. But, despite things still being early stages, some major changes are starting to happen already. The hopelessness has been replaced with hope, and there is a reduction of fear. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride, and may still continue to be so. I am exhausted from lack of sleep, some of it due to my own anxiety, some of it due to accidentally being woken up much too early and not being able to get back to sleep after.

One huge change that I can feel: for the past 4-5 years I have been terrified of the weekends and holidays, because it meant being left on my own again. I spent all my time suffering. My main coping go to was to just freeze. Not all weekends were as bad, and as time went by, it got a little better and occasionally a weekend would be okay. But it never really went away and I felt paralyzed. It started to feel worse again recently, until this weekend. I didn't want to spend all my time on useless media. I wanted to spend time with myself. I enjoyed being with myself. Despite the physical fatigue, I was able to do tasks around the house - something I've struggled with for a long time now. Today it's back to work and I am actually looking forward to the weekend so I can spend much more time with myself and parts of me. For years now the weekends were so dreaded, and it was work I looked forward to because it gave me stability and safety.

There is more I'd like to share but have to leave it at this for now.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds really positive Owl.

[owl25]

Thank you Snowdrop. Your journal has really had an impact.  The past couple of days I have followed your approach to check in with various parts. I am amazed at the connections I have been able to make. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, it has helped me hugely. 

---
I need to write this here before I forget this - it keeps slipping in and out of my awareness today. This morning I was woken up far too early, and did not get to sleep til several hours later. I then was dreaming, and the dream connected me to a really important message from a part. The message is that my walls are still up, even with the person closest to me, and the reason for that is because of how bad the pain of rejection is. I could physically feel a deep pain inside me while I was dreaming. Even within the dream I kept forgetting, and was trying to remember the message, and it kept coming back to me. Forget, remember, forget, remember. I almost forgot again, but something I read in another post reminded me. So I am putting it here to remind myself, because it is really important. I need to work on these walls, because they are keeping me stuck in an old and familiar place of isolation and not being able to truly connect with others. This causes its own pain and I want to move past this. But the pain of rejection is so deep and painful that it's really scary to risk letting the walls down.