Owl's journal

[buddy9832]

It's really hard to accept that maybe the whole situation was out of my control. I don't know though. I am struggling to let myself off the hook. All of this just feels like my fault. I wasn't strong enough and I should have been.

Owl, I'm so sorry. As you've been writing your posts I can just feel the pain coming off the pages. I can relate to not wanting to let yourself off the hook. If you're anything like me, I'm sure with the guilt you're feeling, you're trying to inflict the pain and take responsibility, as a means to punish yourself and "atone for your sins". For me, I know that kind of thinking does nothing but bring misery. Even with the knowledge, I still want to default to guilt and punishment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are worthy. I'm sure you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time and obviously that's all you can do. I'm sure you had pure intentions focused on your healing. I'm sure you tried to take the ideal path for you only realizing 3/4 of the way down it was wrong or less than ideal. At that point the most efficient thing to do would be to forge your way to the alternate ideal path vs. backtracking to get to the same spot again.

You are worthy, you deserve to love yourself. You do not deserve the guilt.

[owl25]

Thank you buddy. It is very hard to let go. I guess underneath it all is really just the pain of not having my mother anymore. It hurts beyond belief. I had a session yesterday and discovered that the guilt is a way I am judging myself. It's to help keep other feelings at bay that part of me believes I just wouldn't be able to handle. It's trying to protect me from worse feelings. I realized that this part of me is trying to keep my mother alive for me. By feeling the guilt of not reaching out to her, it almost feels like maybe I can still change it. Maybe I can do better or differently next time. But there won't be a next time, because she's gone. If I beat myself up, then maybe, maybe I can do differently, and if I can do differently, then that means she's still there, she still exists, there's still a different choice to make. The guilt is trying to shield me from the pain that she's really gone and I will never see her again in this lifetime.

Yesterday's session was helpful. I felt the pain of the loss, and had trouble staying with it but was encouraged to. Running from the pain doesn't help. It needs to be felt. I've been feeling the pain of the loss quite a bit over the past week. It's feeling incredibly painful right now as I write about this.

I want to believe that some day I'll be with her again. But I'm afraid to believe that. And even if I will - it won't be in this lifetime. I want to believe there is another realm. I want to believe that in the end, there will be joy and happiness, and I will be with all the people I love. But I want this now. I want this on this earth, right here, where I am now. What if I start to believe in this other realm, and it's not real, but just the way humans are built to make life bearable after unbearable loss?

I want a do-over of my life. I want a second chance. I want to change things. I am so desperate for a chance to change things.

There has to be a way to go back and change things.

[Snowdrop]

My heart goes out to you and the part who's trying to protect you.

[owl25]

Thank you, Snowdrop 

I got badly triggered a couple of weeks ago during a session, and was really afraid. I stopped doing anything with parts, I just needed to stop with it all and didn't have another session til yesterday. Today, one part showed me how afraid it is of feeling safe. We talked about safety not feeling safe yesterday, because it is unknown and unfamiliar. Part of me really is afraid of healing. I thanked it for letting me know and said it was okay to be afraid. It was okay to stay with me today and feel scared.

This came up after another part shared with me her fear. I have been waking up with fear in the pit of my stomach the past week. It's gotten more intense this week. The part that is afraid of healing had stepped aside and allowed the terrified part to be there. The terrified part couldn't breathe, so I tried to breathe, but it felt difficult because I could feel it in my throat. The part afraid of healing was scared of this, and worried something really bad had happened to me and worried we didn't know what this memory was. It was okay in the end though, as I calmed the part that was afraid of healing, and as I just sat with the not being able to breathe part, I remembered one time when I was very young that I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I remember how scared I was at the time that I couldn't catch my breath. I stayed with the 3 year old part of me that couldn't breathe, and rocked in my rocking chair for a while. After that, that's when the part afraid of healing told me it was afraid of healing, and I invited it to stay with me.

I feel like I am dealing with so much. Grief at the loss of my mother and my failings, and then young parts of me still frozen in time and terrified. All the danger is over and yet none of me seems to know that.

[Not Alone]

I feel like I am dealing with so much. Grief at the loss of my mother and my failings, and then young parts of me still frozen in time and terrified. All the danger is over and yet none of me seems to know that.

You are dealing with so much. I understand about Parts frozen in time and terrified. I feel like I have an orphanage full of broken and hurt children and I'm a mess myself.

[owl25]

I'm sorry for all the hurt you have inside you, notalone 

I can't bear to know the things I know now that I didn't know when my mother was ill. It's making me crazy. If only I had known. I would have done things differently. Now that I know, it's too late. It's hard to deal with this. I've been told I was just protecting myself. It feels like a lame excuse. I can't bear the pain of this. I don't know how I am supposed to keep going. I know I have no choice. But it hurts too much.

[sanmagic7]

i know pain can be overwhelming, owl, so much so that we have to somehow hide ourselves from it, deny it, distract ourselves, or even tell ourselves it's not as bad as we think.  it really is part of our survival mechanism, a very important part.  altho there are a lot of things i might have done differently, especially with my daughters, i do accept that, at the time, it wasn't possible.  just not possible.  i had to stay alive, stay sane, in order to be able to do anything at all.

when i lived in mex., i was very sick for a very long time.  my husband took care of me, did the shopping, made sure i had enough food for the day, did the bills - all of it.  for a while, it worked.  eventually, tho, i thought about staying sick, just being cared for, and how nice that was for a change, cuz i had been the one who had done all the caring for others, had been the strong one for others, made sure everyone was taken care of, etc.

as i thought about this, it occurred to me that if i got well, all those expectations would come crashing down on me, overwhelming me once again.  yep, i was afraid to get well.  reading about your part that is scared to heal reminded me of that - it felt very similar to my situation.  afraid to heal, afraid to be well.  it was a confusing time for me, cuz i was rarely afraid of anything, but this, this was different somehow. 

in the end, i made the decision to get well, as much as i could, because it didn't seem fair to my hub to simply stay sick.  plus, it came to me that i needed to be able to say 'no', to put up boundaries, for anyone else's expectations of me.  it took a while, and i'm still not completely well, but i am much better than i was.  i'm not afraid of healing anymore.  now i look forward to it, actually, cuz i'm that sick of being sick in both mind and body.

it's a tough one, for sure.  seems like a paradox.  i had to discover my reason for being afraid to be well.  i hope you and your part are able to figure it out for yourselves.  if any of this doesn't fit for you, feel free to ignore it.  it just rang a bell for me.

wishing you all the best with this.  keep taking care of you and your parts as best you can, ok?  love and hugs

[owl25]

In the grip of my morning EF right now. I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of my life and the fact that my mother is gone. I am terrified of having to live with that reality. Fear in the pit of my stomach and I feel nauseous. Nothing I do will change anything. I can't change anything. I have no control over my life.

[sanmagic7]

sending you a warm, cozy blanket of care and comfort to wrap you in.  so very sorry for your loss, owl.  love and hugs, my dear

[buddy9832]

I'm sorry owl, hang in there. You can ride the EF out!

[owl25]

Thanks san and buddy.

The EF comes back every morning. It's gotten worse the last few days, taking me longer to recover. Really struggling with it.

[owl25]

I'm struggling to read and respond to others' posts. My attention span isn't there right now.

Working with parts is exhausting. I have too many protectors jumping in and stopping me from trying to deal with this morning EF. I'm too tired when I wake up to try and be in Self. It feels like this EF is the core of everything right now - meaning I'm not going to be able to resolve it any time soon. The thought of this going on for months to come is discouraging.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry, Owl. EFs are awful.

My EFs tend to follow a pattern: there's an exile part which is calling for attention by flooding me, and then a bunch of protectors that jump in because they're scared. In order to help the exile part, I have to first help and work with the protectors. I have to talk to them, find out what their roles are, what they're scared of, and what they need to step aside or stand down. I can only help the exile part when I've done all this, because I need to get every protector's permission before I can contact the exile. Without this permission, the protectors kick off and there's a backlash.

I wonder if in your situation, it's worth just focusing on the protectors for a bit. It might help everything calm down and de-escalate.

[marta1234]

I am so sorry Owl you're goin through this. I'm lending you a supportive hand and hug, and maybe if you ever want to you can join me and some other people on the Porch, and just let it all be.

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop, that makes sense. The trouble is I am too exhausted to work with the protectors. They won't even let me. There is one that won't step aside, it just takes over.

Thanks for your support, marta