Owl's journal

[owl25]

Awake and afraid. Fear in the pit of my stomach. Feeling powerless to do anything about it. Protector blocking presence of Self. Terrified of life.

[Snowdrop]

I feel like I want to wrap you up in a blanket of warmth and safety. It's ok, Owl. It's ok. You're safe.

[sanmagic7]

 

we've got you, owl, and not letting go.  love and a hug filled with safe and care

[owl25]

Thank you for your support and care, Snowdrop and sanmagic  I had to rush out the door this morning for an appointment, and so was quite distracted. I just realized the fear from this morning has disappeared again. I'm not sure if it's an EF or not, but whatever it is I've come out of it again. It is such a burden to wake up like this every day without fail. There's a part of me scared to death and needing me to be there for it, and I can't, because another part blocks me. I know I need to work with that other part, but it isn't letting me. It's exhausting.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad the fear's gone. It sounds awful and exhausting.

Does your therapist know IFS? Just wondering if they might be able to talk to the part. Another thought is that Self energy tends to be catching. If you like, I can sit with you in my Self to see if that helps you be in your Self.

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop. It is

My therapist does know IFS, but I'm not in that place of fear when I have my sessions. He suggested how to approach it in the mornings, but it requires Self of course, and I just don't have access to it when I wake up. The protector takes over pretty much. It's the one that seems to run things most of the time, I think.

A part is fearful of you sitting in Self to help me be in Self. That sounds like I am afraid of Self. Or afraid of letting it be there and change things for me.

[Snowdrop]

A part is fearful of you sitting in Self to help me be in Self. That sounds like I am afraid of Self. Or afraid of letting it be there and change things for me.

I'm sorry the part is so fearful. I definitely don't want to alarm it in any way.

What you say about it being scared of Self is ringing a few bells. I remember reading in the Schwartz IFS book about parts who are scared of Self and push it out the way. When I get a mo, I will see if I can find that section and point you towards it if that would be helpful.

[Not Alone]

Is there another Part (other than Self) that the afraid Part would let near to bring some comfort or at least company?

[Snowdrop]

I hope you're ok this morning, Owl.

[owl25]

Snowdrop, If you could find that section for me in the IFS book that would be great.

Notalone, I don't think so. The fear is pretty strong.

Thank you, Snowdrop  I woke up the same again this morning, but this time tried again instead of giving up right away. I had an angry part inside who started telling me it was horrible to wake up with me and have to live with me, because I didn't protect us. I did things that made everything worse. It doesn't feel safe to be with me and I can't be trusted to take care of me. I ruined everything. That's why I feel scared when I wake up.

I feel very sad about this. I feel sad I made the wrong decisions. I feel sad that I couldn't be present to help guide myself better. I let myself down.

[alliematt]

Owl, welcome.  I'm just catching up on your journal.  Hope virtual hugs are okay.   

[Snowdrop]

I've not found the exact section yet, but parts of Chapters 3, 10 and 13 look like they could be relevant.

Well done for trying again and getting that feedback from the angry part. I know the part's angry, and it wasn't nice to hear, but it's communicating with you, and that's good. It's progress.

It reminded me of a part I had a while back. It was really angry with me because I hadn't been there for it, and bad things had happened. I remember telling the part that it was right. I hadn't been there for it, and its anger was justified. I was really sorry. But I was here for it now, and things are different now.

[owl25]

Hi alliematt, thank you for the welcome and the virtual hugs (always ok

Thanks snowdrop, I'll try to check those chapters and see what I find. I apologized to that part too. It's hard that I wasn't able to be there for myself in the way that I am finally now learning to do.

I think I am making progress. The recent realization that if I let myself take care of me, that it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to want or ask for help from others, has been huge. I always thought it was expected of me to just take care of myself and that it was too much to ask from others. I fought that for so long. It stopped me from moving forward. It is such a relief to now know otherwise. My mornings are starting to slowly change as. I am trying to be more consistent in being with myself, and reassuring myself it's okay to be scared, and that I'm there to take care of me. I'm not on my own. The fear is still there but not as intense, although it did linger yesterday and today. I'm finding myself anxious to go to sleep tonight, because I'm scared of the morning. It's hard to sit with that feeling and to not avoid.

[owl25]

Feeling very low today.

[marta1234]

  You deserve to be here. You deserve to be alive. You are valid and you're not alone here. Sending you lots of hugs and support, Owl. Hope you feel better soon