Owl's journal

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad you've found my journal helpful. Making those connections is fascinating.

[owl25]

Today is a bit more difficult. My head feels fuzzy and there's a strange sort of uncomfortable pressure in my head. There's a part of me that is petrified. It's really scared of changes I am having to make in my life. These changes involve opening myself up to connection with others. It feels risky and really scary. I think I am afraid of being hurt like I was when I was so little. The pain of rejection was too much, and I had to put up walls and not let anyone in to protect myself. I have not been able to check in with other parts  of me due to this part being very present. I am also feeling really, really tired.

[owl25]

Things are feeling unsettled. I read some of other members' stories and even though there wasn't anything graphic in what I read, I think it overwhelmed and maybe triggered me.

Even before this I wasn't feeling quite okay. I was doing well earlier in the week, and connecting with parts. A different part however has prevented me from continuing to check in with myself the last few days. This is making me worry that I am abandoning those other parts and that any connection I've built is now undone.

I'm feeling that uncomfortable pressure and somewhat fuzzy feeling in my head again.

I took a step forward yesterday with opening up a little more to my OH. Part of me now is feeling panicked about this. I'm afraid of change, and yet change is needed and I don't have much choice, as my withdrawal and disconnection have been putting pressure on the relationship. So I took a step forward even though I was really scared. It was hard but it went surprisingly well, and yet today I'm feeling panicked about it. I don't feel safe opening up, even though I know my OH would never use anything against me. It brought us closer together, and felt okay yesterday, but right now in this moment this closeness doesn't feel safe. I want to withdraw and run again. I'm scared.

[Snowdrop]

A different part however has prevented me from continuing to check in with myself the last few days. This is making me worry that I am abandoning those other parts and that any connection I've built is now undone.

Well done for recognising that a different part has become involved. I wonder if it might be worth seeing if you can be curious about this part. Is it the same part that's scared of opening up?

When things like this have happened to me, I've found it helpful to ask the part why it doesn't want me to connect with certain other parts. It might have a protective role, or there might be something it's scared of and it needs reassurance.

Please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful.

Well done for opening up. I can imagine what a big deal that must have been.

[owl25]

Snowdrop, I've been having that thought too, to check in with that part from a place of Self, but it hasn't allowed me to. I feel like it's kind of taken over. I feel anxiety around trying to connect with it. It does feel like it's a protector and that it's scared. It's the same part that is scared of opening up. It's a very strong and big protector, I think it's the main one that's kept me safe all these years.

It was hard to open up. I did it more out of necessity than feeling ready for it. That leaves me with some mixed feelings around this. I know it would have been better if I could have had all parts of me on board, but circumstances didn't allow for that.

Thanks for the support, it helps a lot 

[owl25]

I've started having nightmares again the past two early mornings about my mother's death. The worst of it is when I wake up, to know that it's all real. She really is gone. She loved me but because of her own hurts was emotionally unavailable. My mother's death was another trauma. It happened so fast and she suffered so much. She loved me and I loved her and she's gone. I recognize her own likely cPTSD and I hurt for her. The nightmares are awful and I don't want to feel what they make me feel.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry Owl. I hear your pain.

I've been having that thought too, to check in with that part from a place of Self, but it hasn't allowed me to. I feel like it's kind of taken over.

I can experience that sometimes too. What can help me is if I ask the part to step back a bit, give me space and stop overwhelming me. I tell the part that I can give it attention and listen to it without it dominating me. It usually then steps back and gives me space.

Please ignore if this doesn't feel right for you. I'm just trying to think about what's helped me in similar situations.

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry owl for all the pain you're feeling, and that it's even coming at you in your sleep.  my heart is with you, and my hand is reaching out for a touch on the shoulder or arm, just to connect in a compassionate way. 

i'm very glad for you that you opened up and it went well.  i know that panicky feeling afterwards, too.  i even have it sometimes here on the forum.  i've found that it usually fades away on its own after nothing bad happens.  i thought it was quite courageous of you to allow a bit more closeness in your relationship.  that can be pretty frightening when we're not used to it.

well done, owl.   love and hugs to you

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop and sanmagic7, your words are much appreciated.

I'm feeling really down today. I'm tired of having to work at changing. I don't care about making friends and forming close relationships. I'd much rather be alone.

[Jazzy]

Sorry you're having a rough time today owl. Hopefully you feel better soon. You must be really stressed with what you've been through lately, and the dreams that keep it a fresh reality. Its so difficult. Its understandable that you just want to focus on yourself with all this going on. Hang in there though. You can take some of my energy if you need it!

[marta1234]

Here's a hug for you, from me to all your parts Hope you find some relief, maybe a blanket and some tea might help? We're all here for you

[Not Alone]

 

[owl25]

Thanks Jazzy, would love to borrow some energy from you  Thanks marta1234, I wasn't able to accept a blanket and tea at first, but think I can now. Thanks notalone 

--
I'm finding things are a rollercoaster for me.  From one day to the next it's something completely different causing me major distress. Not wanting to have to change. Realizing I have to, for the sake of my family, because I am passing my burdens on to them and they deserve better. Nightmares around losing my mother. Abandonment triggers and reliving the terror of being abandoned.

I'm finding it hard to go back to trying to work with parts after the depression that kicked in over the weekend. I find I am never focused on one thing. Just jumping from one panic to the next. It's like Im flitting around, like I'm being kept occupied, going in circles, but never really going anywhere. This journal isn't anything like I thought it would be.

[Jazzy]

Those rollercoasters can be nasty. I hope yours ends soon and you feel better.

Do you have some grounding techniques that would help you? Maybe you could try writing things down in a private journal as they come up, and the steps you take to help deal with them. That way you can review it when they come up again and at least you can see what you have accomplished.

This journal isn't anything like I thought it would be.

My journal isn't what I thought it would be either. But it is what I needed to help me.

All the best!

[owl25]

Note - this post got a lot longer than expected. I would be grateful for anyone who might take the time to read all of it. I have marked potentially triggering content and put the content in white text - highlight to read.

---

I'm not feeling the best right now. It's morning and I've just woken up. I think I may be in that EF place again. It started last night before sleep though, this feeling, usually it's just when I wake up in the morning. I have quite the headache as well.

I have had a really stressful week with big ups and big downs. Something really difficult happened this week that I can't describe, but could be considered traumatic. I also partially feel to blame for it. I also wonder if I at some level made it happen in response to the positive feelings I've been having - hope and excitement about recovery, because I can see the potential in the IFS work I am doing. So I am really quite upset with myself for some choices I made this week (I remember thinking, maybe I shouldn't do this) that caused a major problem and it got me hurt in the process.

--- Not sure if this might be a TRIGGER - description of feelings in EF ----

I feel sick to my stomach and I recognize this feeling of being in an EF where life just feels like a giant, sickening, scary, inescapable nightmare.

--- END TRIGGER

I am also working on changing things in my relationship. I want to be able to wake in the mornings feeling happy and relaxed, and spending time with my husband. Mornings feel like EF time. I wake up tense and anxious, or tense and afraid. I don't feel safe. I can't bear to be touched and just want to withdraw and pull away. I know I want to wake up rested and feeling good and happy. Some part of me doesn't seem to want this. It feels unsafe. It is pushing back against the positive feelings I've had this week. It wants to keep me in the same familiar place of suffering. My parents are both gone now. I've said to myself a few times now that it's over. The childhood I had, and their painful influence are over and done with. I have my husband and kids now and all the trauma is in the past now. Nothing can happen anymore with my parents, they can't hurt me anymore.

--- Not sure if this might be a TRIGGER - description of feelings in EF ----

And yet I feel sick and frightened. I feel unsafe, and like I want to escape this life because it feels like a horror show.

--- END TRIGGER

What a contrast this feeling is to the hope, peace, and calm I have experienced earlier this week. The knowledge that everything is going to be okay. I am going to be okay. I am going to be free of being emotionally hurt by others. I am going to be free of the hurt caused in the past.

I feel sick and awful. There's a part of me that's making me feel this way. It's a horrible feeling.

--- Not sure if this might be a TRIGGER - description of feelings in EF ----

I feel like I'm going to die or want to die, it all feels so awful.

--- END TRIGGER

I know this isn't real. I know this feeling will pass. And yet I can't pull myself out of this. It feels like now a migraine is forming, which will prevent me from doing things today that need doing. To be fair though, I missed a total of at least a full night's sleep this week and never had a chance to recover due to things that were going on this week. The anxiety of it all kept me from sleeping.

How do I help this part of me? How do I help it not to feel this way? I will try to talk to my therapist about it next session, but I'm worried something else will pop up for me instead. What feels pressing changes from moment to moment. Another way I might be avoiding actually changing anything. If I jump around all the time, then I can't focus on any one thing, and I stay in this limbo. I know IFS will help but I haven't had enough practice yet and can't do things very well yet.

What happened with my parents really hurts. It really hurts. I suspect my father was a bit of a narcissist. My mother had a bit of an angry streak to her, but I think it's because of all the stress she was under being married to my father, in combination with her own childhood in a family that didn't know how to validate emotions and work things out. My father did some really nasty things. He was always in a battle with people around him. Most of his focus was on my mother, and others, but I got caught up in the sidelines with him and he really hurt me too the times he put his focus on me.

It's all over now, and now all the past is coming to the surface and I have to grieve it all. I know there was a part of my father buried inside him that did love me. I saw glimpses of that part. But most of the time it wasn't present. I never really had a father. He was mostly absent, working 80 hour weeks (and I suspect off drinking, I didn't see much of it at home). My mother was left to raise us on her own pretty much. And she had no warmth to give, despite her love for us. She loved us, it's clear as day now, but it wasn't so clear at the time. Feelings couldn't be talked about. Feelings felt shameful. I don't think she realized her approach to things was a shaming approach. Likely she had been raised in a similar fashion. We repeat what we know.

I used to not be able to do this, hold that a person could both love you and at the same time not be capable of showing that love. I could not hold the idea that I could both love a person and be angry with them at the same time. The moment I felt angry, any affection or love would evaporate. It would turn into an "I hate you" feeling. Anger and love were always mutually exclusive. It's taken time but now I see how those things can co-exist at the same time. The "I hate you" feeling doesn't come alongside anger I feel anymore. The anger is less intense, and I am aware that I still love the person I am angry with.

My father's pain and hurt must have been so big, it blocked out any love he could feel for anyone in those moments. Unfortunately those moments were the majority of his life.

I was so angry and hated him so much by the end of his life. I dared to say no to him at the very end. By his response I realized how emotionally abusive he was. My no triggered a very hostile campaign against me. He knew he was dying, but hadn't told anyone other than his second wife. I didn't know he was dying. But he clearly was worse than he had ever been. My last interactions with him were very traumatic and I realized how horrible he had been to me as a teen, and the grip he had on us as a family my whole life. The grip he had on everyone around him. Except his second wife. He didn't treat her that way, because he needed someone to look after him.

The anger and hate I have felt for him the years since he died is starting to change a little. Maybe that's only because my mother is now gone too.

I am heartbroken about the family I had. The emotionally abusive monster my father had been. The pain and hurt it all caused that should never have happened. What my mother suffered with him, the things I know about that she told me and the things I can only guess at. The way things should have been, if only.

I really would like for this morning EF to ease. It's my most difficult EF that I haven't been able to work through.

Part of me want to say that I am really, really sad today and I miss my family and I wish they were there but in a safe way. I miss the parts that I loved about them. And now I'm full on crying.