Owl's journal

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate this update you shared.  I hope that you find the pace you are looking for and that it helps you find what you are seeking.  I appreciate having you and others here on this up and down journey.   

[Snowdrop]

I've not posted much recently, but I've been thinking of you, Owl. I'm glad things feel like they're settling down, and I hope it goes well with the new T.

[owl25]

Thanks rainy and snowdrop. 

I feel like the way I feel changes like the weather. I now have doubts about the latest T. I don't believe that anyone can really help me.

Parts work for the longest time felt like it was the way forward, but that's fallen to the side. I think maybe I am too afraid of the pain that I know I would have to face and deal with. It feels too big. At the same time I need relief. I know I am carrying too much. But I seem to continue to run away from it all, and I don't trust that any T is ever going to be right or safe enough to help me with it.

I find myself looking for Self energy in Ts, and it feels like they don't present with it. I have one T who does, but she's my couples counsellor. She wouldn't be able to address the trauma. I adore her. I wish I could find someone like her who does complex trauma. It feels like people like her are few and far between.

It feels like it's too hard to start with someone new and build up trust. I'm having to do it online, which impacts how therapy feels. It doesn't feel as safe. I would do better with in person.

I have been overwhelmed the last few days. I am also finding it difficult to be here and engage with the forum.

I don't know what to do to help myself move forward. I wish I could access Self more easily. But another part of me that is my fiercest protector doesn't trust that very much, and doesn't want to step back enough to allow it. I don't know how to work with that part, how to gain trust. It's really hard. So I give up and just try to get by from day to day. Of course I am not talking from Self, because Self wouldn't give up. I think Self is waiting for the rest of me to be ready. I guess I'm speaking from the part of me that wants to heal and unburden. I've never unburdened before, and would really like to experience that. But it feels like an impossible dream.

[owl25]

Nightmares this morning. Haven't had those in a while. I hate how they make me feel. They don't feel productive either, it just brings back the same awful feelings that never shift.

[rainydiary]

I had nightmares this morning too.  Just this week I made the connection based on what you and others share that nightmares/bad dreams and CPTSD can go hand in hand.  I know that I will feel a bit off today because of those dreams.  I hope you are able to find some ease today. 

[owl25]

Thanks rainy.

Yesterday was an awful day. I was petrified. I woke up feeling afraid again this morning too. I am so afraid of my feelings. I am so afraid of re-experiencing the traumatic loss of my mother. There are some elements of what happened that when I think about them, they are too much. The pain of it is too much. The powerlessness and hopelessness of what happened and that I couldn't prevent it from happening are too much.

Still looking for a new T. I found someone that is actually local that might be helpful. But of course, there's a wait list. Every time I find someone I would like to work with, there's a wait list. All of them are around 2 months. That's really hard given the terror I am feeling again these last few days. Trigger warning: The fear makes me want to die.

I was doing well when my focus was on my family. It really pulled me out of this paralysis. But now that things have settled and are better, I'm starting to feel paralyzed with fear again. I can't really afford to stop looking after my family. This is really hard. I'm trying, but I'm scared and frozen.

I'm so scared.

[buddy9832]

Owl I'm sorry to hear the fear has come back and how severe it is. I hope you will find a suitable T soon. Hang in there! 

[marta1234]

Owl, I'm sending you love and support  . I know that this doesn't help with the paralyzing fears and EFs but I hope you know that we're all here for you and you're not alone in this journey.
I don't know what kind of advice I can give you, when this happens for me it's usually because of a little, so a really sheltered and blocked out exile that suddenly springs up with their emotions and extreme feelings. It's usually trauma that is blocked, that I don't have access to (that would require time to unveil). I don't know if this helps, but I want you to know that I hear you and I understand. If you want a shoulder to just put your head on, I'd be happy to be there on the Healing Porch (if it's ok).

[owl25]

Thank you buddy and marta. I'm sorry I haven't been around here much.

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, owl.  you're not alone.

[marta1234]

Thinking of you Owl  you bring a smile to my face whenever I see a new entry in you're journal . Take care, ok? 

[owl25]

Thank you sanmagic and marta

Thankfully the fear hasn't overtaken again in the way that I was afraid of. I still feel scared when I wake up in the mornings. But it's not as intense right now. I am still trying to focus on taking care of my family as best I can. It's hard to move when I first wake up. It's hard to start to remember the hard parts in my life as I am waking up and getting oriented.

I am currently without a therapist. The newest one I only had one session with, but I don't think I am open to doing IFS work right now, not if the person is not a complex trauma expert. The idea of IFS right now just exhausts me, so I am giving up on that for now.

I have been bouncing around from therapist to therapist for various issues, trying to make sense of what I need. I've been trying out support for some family issues, I've been trying to find someone for trauma therapy, and I've seen someone specialized in grief just once a while back and just made another appointment there. I've started talking more to people I've known for a long time but never got very close with. Between talking to various therapists for various reasons, and talking to multiple potential friends, I've been getting by and starting to reduce the self-imposed social isolation I've been living in my whole life. I am starting to practice interacting with people, something I have never done before. It really is making a difference in how I am feeling. I know I have needed this all along, and I used to despair about not being able to work on this. It now feels like I just simply wasn't ready for it, no matter how lonely I got or how painful things would get.

I have found a local trauma T that I really want to work with, but currently there is no opening. It may be a few weeks but it sounds like by then I should be able to get in. I had given up on finding a local T, but decided to reconsider EMDR and managed to find someone here. This means I will be able to go in person, which feels much better than online. I do feel I need in person counselling and that it would be much more effective, so I am really glad I found someone. I had given up on that before and thought online was the only option left. I have a lot of unprocessed trauma and I know that if I want to resolve the fear in the mornings, I need to process the trauma. I need to focus on the loss of my mother. It is awful how I lost her. I have been avoiding a lot of the feelings around it, because they feel overwhelming and I am afraid of it all.

I've been trying to practice more self-care throughout all of this. Talking to people more is a big part of that, and there's a family friendly show I've been watching that has given me a lot of comfort the past while. Both tie into being a part of something, a sense of belonging and not being alone in this world. Talking to people helps me feel not so alone and on my own to deal with things. I am starting to realize I don't have to actually be alone with the weight of my problems, and that we're not meant or built to be on our own. As I am writing this I also realize that I have not been watching tv shows with a lot of dramatic content like I used to. I watched something two nights ago and I could feel the overload it was causing in my brain and realized that that kind of content really isn't good for us, and it's something everyone is inundated by and desensitized to (or rather, we can't tell that it causes stress and tension because we are so used to it).

I think I am feeling better and more hopeful because it's looking like I may finally have a shot at the right therapy for myself. It's been a long wait to get to this point.

[rainydiary]

Thanks for sharing Owl.  What you say about practicing talking with others resonates with me.  I don't think I acknowledged how isolated from others I was even if I was around people.  I've been finding myself being able to open to people more too.  I am also finding that even when I do open some people just aren't good for me.  I'm not sure I would have done anything about that before but now I do.

I hope that you find a therapist and support that meets you where you are.   

[owl25]

I'm glad you're opening up to people a bit more too, rainy. And that you now do something about those who turn out to not be good for you. It's important to trust your gut on that.

I just wanted to say here that I have felt unable to respond to others' posts and I'm sorry for that. I'm struggling to write and struggling to offer support. I try to read posts but can't manage a whole lot there either.

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
I read what you wrote in another thread - the one about what you'd like Kizzie to say at the summit about trauma - and I really felt you put so many amazing points in it - and I found them really helpful - I just wanted to say that here in your diary, as I really appreciated all the things you said about your experience of therapists etc.  I also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope