Owl's journal

[owl25]

Hi Hope, thank you for sharing that, I am glad it was helpful. I wasn't sure what others thought of it, so it's reassuring to hear. Thank you and hugs are always okay 

I have been going through a lot, and feel like my head is always spinning. I really would like to focus directly on healing, but other things going on in present day life are keeping me from doing that. Waiting for the new therapist to free up also keeps things on hold. And then of course, there are parts of me that aren't wanting to focus on it at all. I've stopped pushing myself around this to give myself some space around it. I think I'm waiting for myself to be ready, and waiting for the new trauma therapist.

I have been reaching out more to people around me and opening up to them. This feels like progress. I had a bit of an aha moment recently about attachment and my attachment style. I am avoidant, which means that closeness with other people feels threatening and unsafe. It's why I've always kept people at arm's length for as far as I can remember. Interaction with other humans can lead to disappointment and pain, so better to prevent that by not interacting at all. But, not allowing people to get close also means isolation and that gets unbearable. I don't want and can't handle the isolation anymore. I think this is what's been driving me to connect with other people. I can't cope anymore with having to handle my problems on my own.

I really struggle with getting triggered and trying to calm myself. I just can't reassure myself and make myself feel safe. I just hurt so much and the only way out now is to connect with another human being. Someone to talk to and let out all the fear and worry. But that's not completely a good strategy, because it makes me dependent on other people being available in very specific moments, and it's agony when there isn't anyone just right then and there.

I am gaining more and more clarity on my childhood, my parents, the impact of it all, and how profoundly it affects me today. How profoundly my parents' childhoods affected them. I feel very sad, because had things been better for them, it would have been better for me. They tried, but couldn't resolve it in their lifetime. I'm trying and even though I am much further ahead than they ever got the chance to be, I feel like this complex trauma still has quite a hold on me. The triggers are so very hard to manage and complicate my life significantly. I still don't feel like I can access that adult, mature side of me because I feel stuck in my development. I don't think I made it past being a 16 year old. It makes me feel not up for the task of being a real adult. And that translates into not being able to calm myself, and reassure myself. I am looking for the adult within me and can't access her, and it makes me furious with myself. There's a lot of self-hate from a part of me that I can't show up for her. I want to show up but this is not coming from Self. This is the 16 year old that's been managing everything since forever, not feeling up to task but still trying, and falling short when it tries to help distressed parts of me. I think. As I try to untangle what comes from which parts I start to get confused, because isn't it the 16 year old that's furious that there's no one there inside me to help? I always get lost at this point.

[Not Alone]

I have been reaching out more to people around me and opening up to them. This feels like progress. I had a bit of an aha moment recently about attachment and my attachment style. I am avoidant, which means that closeness with other people feels threatening and unsafe. It's why I've always kept people at arm's length for as far as I can remember. Interaction with other humans can lead to disappointment and pain, so better to prevent that by not interacting at all. But, not allowing people to get close also means isolation and that gets unbearable. I don't want and can't handle the isolation anymore. I think this is what's been driving me to connect with other people. I can't cope anymore with having to handle my problems on my own.

I applaud your efforts to try to connect with others. Brave work!

I just hurt so much and the only way out now is to connect with another human being. Someone to talk to and let out all the fear and worry. But that's not completely a good strategy, because it makes me dependent on other people being available in very specific moments, and it's agony when there isn't anyone just right then and there.

As children, if we had good enough parents, they would have attuned to us and we would have learned, through them, how to calm ourselves. Since we didn't get that from parents, it seems that, for a time, we will need to receive that from others. To me, it makes sense that for the time being, you need to connect to others in order to feel calmer and safer.

Not sure if this will work for you, but I have a few friends whom I will text. I don't necessary text details. My text might be as unspecific as, "I'm having a really hard time right now." Their care is helpful. It doesn't solve everything, but I feel less alone and that is big. Occasionally, I don't get a response for quite some time. That is hard and I have to remind myself that they are busy, maybe working, etc. OOTS is also that connection for me when I need to be heard and when I need care.

Again, good job reaching out to others.

[rainydiary]

Owl, your thoughts and experiences being avoidant attachment style, having to work hard to calm, and learning about family history that explain but don't explain parenting choices really resonate with me.  I am in a similar place and appreciate you sharing your story.  I am not the only one and neither are you.  I wish that made me feel better all of the time but it does in moments and I think that is cool.

[owl25]

I am really struggling. I'm not sure if I am in an EF or not. I feel hopeless and helpless. I am struggling to continue to focus on my family the way that is needed.

I am struggling with finding effective therapy. I have tried different people now and what seems to keep happening is my anxiety is so amped up, that I can't take on board anything they might say to me. Suggestions for mindfulness/meditation/breathing are useless to me. My coping mechanism right now is to try and talk to other people, but no one can fix my problems. I just get into a state of distress (like I am now), and I talk to people about my problems, and still am not getting the relief I am so desperately looking for.

I don't have an established relationship with a T right now. I just started with another one recently to help with current day troubles while I wait for the trauma T that has a wait list. But already I am finding myself unable to listen and focus on what she's telling me. I find myself unable to take the time to let her get to know me because I want immediate solutions now.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going in circles a million miles a minute. I can't spend too much time thinking about my mother, it is too painful. I have a serious stressor in my life right now that is triggering me all the time and that isn't going to go away any time soon. I am struggling to cope. I am struggling to calm myself. I am desperate for someone else to make it all go away.

There's a part of me that WON'T ALLOW me to calm down. I feel like I am doing this to myself. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. All I want to do is cry.

I feel like I hate myself but at the same time that makes no sense to me, I don't hate myself. It feels like some part of me hates me.

I don't want to keep feeling this way, but I don't know what to do to make it better. I can't make sense of any of this. All I know is that all I feel is nothing but pain and wanting to run away.

[owl25]

What I desperately want and need is for my mother to be there. For her to hold me while I cry my heart out and have her tell me it's all going to be okay and that she's going to help me. That she'll help me with everything that's so hard in my life right now. It feels like that's the only way I'll ever feel okay. I want my mother and I want her to fix the problems I am having in my life that I cannot work out for myself.

[marta1234]

Owl, I'm sending you a gentle hug your way  . I'm sorry you're going through this. I've felt the desperation and the hopelessness, and still battle with it some days. For me, most days that happens because I'm overwhelmed with too many emotions that it feels like drowning in confusion and pain.
I don't what to say exactly to take away your pain, but that I'm here for you. I'm sending you a blanket if it's ok to maybe ease some of it. 

[owl25]

Thank you marta, for your care and support  It feels like that is so much what I need right now. It's the one thing that mitigates trauma, and it's so sorely missing in my daily life.

It's been a really hard few days. Yesterday and today so much so that I am afraid I am slipping into a depression. That scares me to death, I don't want to end up there again. It is such a battle to climb out of it. I felt unsteady today, just scared and not knowing how to get through the day. Not feeling stable is a scary feeling.

I wish so much I could do the IFS journeys and be there for myself, and be able to do unburdening - I don't even know what that would feel like or look like. But I cannot access my Self, other parts of me block it. And so I continue to struggle and suffer and I am in so much pain. I can't help myself, because I so desperately need another human being in the room with me to help me heal.

It feels like my biggest trauma is not having human care and support. I'm still a little girl without a mother and without a family. I don't know how I am ever supposed to heal from this.

[marta1234]

Owl, I feel you. It's scary when I think that too: that my huge trauma is based on neglect and abonnement. It's too much for my parts to understand or even process, so, like you, they are in constant pain too.
For the IFS journey, don't beat yourself up for it. I haven't been able to do one in weeks, or I haven't actually done much (like you said, protectors are completely blocking my access). I don't have words of wisdom, but what I can say to you Owl is that we're sending support to your parts no matter what, and hope that eventually they won't be too scared anymore to maybe open up a bit, like a little creak between a door.
Sending much love and lots of hugs

[sanmagic7]

 

[owl25]

Thank you marta and sanmagic 

I met with my grief counsellor today. We talked about the loss of my mother some, and one thing that came up was that we simply cannot do this healing without the support of other people. I'm spending all my energy looking after my family and on work, but who's there to look after me? I think he was saying that I need to have others there in my life who can support me, so that I can keep taking care of my family and myself. I'll burn out without it. He said that support from others was essential and that we can't get through this grief without it. It was so helpful to hear that. I always had the feeling I was supposed to be able to manage on my own, it just always was and seems to be expected. To have someone tell me that we cannot do without it, validates all the pain I've experienced around having to look after myself without any help.

I found such relief in having that support today. It really helped undo the fear and the feeling that I can't cope from the past few days. I feel safer now, because I got myself some good in-person support, even if it's not necessarily for trauma. Genuine human kindness and compassion go a long way.

I realized something really big today. I think I get blocked and frozen on doing things to help myself when things get tough, because the one thing I need the most is still missing, which is other human beings that I can actually talk to who want to offer care and support. I need that care and support, and if I don't know that I can have that, then everything else grinds to a halt. I need to know there are people in my life there.

I think the parts of me that stop me from self-soothing are doing so because if they allow me to care for myself, then I won't be forced into reaching out to others. I will never have a sense of belonging or have others' care. If I can calm myself down, then why would I need other people? I won't connect and come out of this isolation. I am very good at being alone, and on good days I am perfectly content without human contact. As I just wrote that, there's a part of me that is protesting that. It says that isn't true.. What seems to be more accurate is that on good days, it feels easier/safer not to reach out and connect with others, because the truth is, I am afraid of other people hurting me emotionally. I am trying to keep myself from getting hurt by avoiding closeness. I tell myself I don't need other people, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I have been at odds with myself over keeping safe vs. the pain of social isolation. This has been the battle. I am learning that there are lots of people out there who can be safe. This feels like a shocking piece of information to parts of me. It hasn't really been absorbed yet, even though a part of me has been aware for a while. It feels strange to know and not know, that parts of me are shocked by this, while at the same time another part of me has known for a while. It feels strange to observe all this.

If I can't self-soothe, that is a very clear sign that I have not had enough human contact. So my mission right now needs to be to keep reaching out to people, and push myself outside of my comfort zone, and out of the safe bubble of being alone. The pandemic makes this harder though, so I'm not sure what I can do in terms of joining groups around activities I am interested in.

I am not sure if I have explained things very well. I hope what I wrote makes sense.

[Snowdrop]

Makes a lot of sense. Good insights, Owl.

[marta1234]

Owl, it makes a lot of sense. Even in my mind I can see the debate whether to be "in isolation or with people who care" being battled most days between various protectors. You're not alone in this. Have you managed to find a group therapy, or maybe a group that specifically deals with loss and grief?
Sending much love owl, always will

[owl25]

Thanks snowdrop 

marta, I seem to be wanting connection more now rather than not, which is good. I don't have a whole lot of people in my circle just yet though. So I am finding myself wanting connection, and no one being available.

I think depression is creeping in, I have had low energy the past few days, and it's not the normal fatigue to be expected. I feel drained when I wake in the morning. I feel slower in my movement and concentrating on things is harder. I'm feeling quite worried about this, and not sure what to do about it. I am hesitant to go back on medication, and at the same time I really do not want this to get any worse. I'm still getting to know my new (non-trauma) counsellor, so not feeling confident yet that things will turn out okay in terms of having the necessary support while I wait for trauma therapy. Not having my body be able to do what I need scares me. I feel like there are different parts within me that need care and attention, but I don't know how to care for those parts, how to be there emotionally. Other parts don't want to feel the pain, so it feels like those parts are keeping me from caring for the parts that need me. I'm really stuck there. So much energy tied up in all of this, pain needing to be processed but also very much being held at bay.

In some of my reading about IFS, I have read about parts sometimes activating depression, that it serves a purpose. I don't know if that's what happening for me, but I do find myself wishing I could see if that's the case and ask for its help. I just don't know how to do this. I wish someone was there to help me.

[Hope67]

Hi Owl, I just wanted to offer you a hug, if that's helpful. 
Hope 

[owl25]

Hi Hope, thank you for the lovely hug  I woke up very scared this morning, and it pushed me to get out of the house and to go to the park. I also called a friend and talking to her helped a lot. I have to keep fighting these feelings, I have to pull myself together and do all the things that will help me so I don't slide downwards. I am taking more action towards meeting people, and have found a couple of groups that are focused on outdoor activity that I hope to join. When I got back home from the park, I turned on some upbeat music and started dancing to that while I worked on tidying up. It felt really good to move. I had forgotten that years ago when I was very depressed, I discovered that listening happy music was a good way to help lift my mood in the mornings. I am going to start doing that again. Music is really powerful. I live in silence most of the time, so time to change that.