Owl's journal

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sanmagic7

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #180 on: September 21, 2020, 12:54:57 PM »
sounds like you're doing just what you need to do, owl.  :thumbup:  love and hugs :hug:

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owl25

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #181 on: October 08, 2020, 01:32:59 AM »
Sliding backwards again. Lost the progress I made on self-care. I'm just too overwhelmed to do those things. Carrying too much pain that I can't seem to process.

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rainydiary

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #182 on: October 08, 2020, 02:25:51 AM »
Sliding backwards again. Lost the progress I made on self-care. I'm just too overwhelmed to do those things. Carrying too much pain that I can't seem to process.

Thank you for sharing this Owl.  I can relate to that feeling self-care and it is helpful to me to hear others like you share.  I hope you find some ease. 

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marta1234

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #183 on: October 08, 2020, 01:46:12 PM »
 :hug: sending love and support owl. Iím sorry you feel like youíre going backwards, but itís ok. Hope you feel some comfort afterwards.  :hug:

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owl25

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #184 on: October 08, 2020, 04:04:16 PM »
Thanks rainy and marta. I'm sorry I haven't been around more and to return the support. It's been a struggle.

I got massively triggered yesterday. The trigger is feeling like I have done something wrong. The massive, overwhelming pain and shame this causes is just really hard to believe. The shame is soul crushing, like being crushed by an avalanche. The pain just rips me to pieces. This is why I have always been afraid to be seen. Why I have always been afraid to put myself out there. There is such fear of doing something wrong, because the onslaught of shame and pain is more than I can bear and I don't know how I can possibly survive it. How can this be how bad and how awful I felt as a small child? How could things really, truly have been that bad back then?

I don't want to ever experience this again. But I know it will happen again. I don't know how to heal this. I don't know how I go about healing the deep shame and pain within me for existing. For existing and making mistakes, for existing and asking for things and then not getting them. The pain of it is too much. I don't know how I resolve it, because it's not linked to a specific incident, it's just awful, awful feelings out of nowhere, nothing to tie them to.

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #185 on: October 08, 2020, 07:18:04 PM »
Owl,

So sorry to read about how you feel.  But I can understand and relate.   

I hope you won't mind me sending you a big hug.    :bighug:

Remember you're supported and understood here x  :grouphug:

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owl25

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #186 on: October 09, 2020, 09:27:20 PM »
Thank you for the hugs and support, snookiebookie2, much appreciated.

I am doing better today. The mistake I made actually brought movement in a situation that felt like it was at a halt, so something positive came from it. The shame has reduced. I also  have finally been able to connect with a real trauma counsellor. I finally feel like I am talking to someone who is knowledgeable. It feels like a breath of fresh air. It's early days yet, but I feel like I am finally not speaking with a general practitioner of sorts, but someone who really knows what this stuff is about. I feel hope now. I am not on my own anymore in trying to navigate this trauma. I've been in survival mode since last December, and now I can finally switch to working through the trauma instead.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #187 on: October 09, 2020, 10:07:16 PM »
so glad you've found someone who is trauma-knowledgable to talk with - i've found it makes all the difference!  i hope you can make some progress.  it is astounding to me, too, how much pain and hurt we endured and survived through our lives.  it's all real, i do know that now.  all of it, and it was definitely as bad as you remember, whether in general or specific incidents.  they've all taken a terrible toll on us.  love and hugs, owl. :hug:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #188 on: October 13, 2020, 07:04:56 AM »
That's great news, Owl. :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Owl's journal
« Reply #189 on: October 25, 2020, 09:23:38 PM »
Glad you found a therapist who understands trauma.