Owl's journal

[owl25]

Thanks for your care and hugs, marta 

Thank you for thinking of me, snowdrop I haven't been by here much. I meet another new T soon, feeling somewhat hopeful but almost afraid to say that out loud. 

Feeling incredibly sad and feeling some of the pain these past few days. Don't really know how to keep on going with the losses in my life, they just feel like too much to bear. And yet here I am. It hurts so bad. I am heartbroken.

[dollyvee]

Hi Owl - thank you for being so open and sharing your thoughts on here. I did a search about shamanic drumming and came across your journal. I'm trying IFS and it's so great to read everyone's experiences.

My biggest struggle is parts of me not wanting to allow for Self to be present. I don't know how to resolve that. I'm scared to death. It feels completely unsafe.

I hope this isn't too much of an intrusion,  I'm just curious if you have a narc parent? I had a similar experience of having a very nebulous self and found a huge ball of protectors when I tried my first journey. I also noticed that I need something like a "reality compass" as sometimes I got turned around if that makes sense. Wondering if maybe this is a common experience in IFS with ppl from narcissistic families.

[owl25]

Hi dollyvee, I am glad my journal is helpful to you. It's interesting what you quoted me writing in June, as it has made me realize I've made some progress in that department and I am a bit closer to allowing Self to be present. It's nice to see there has been some movement there.

To answer your question, one parent may have been (?) a narcissist but I'm not completely sure about that. There may have been some traits present, but nothing compared to the anecdotes I have seen online. I think lots of protectors makes sense when dealing with C-PTSD. By the very nature of things, we've been hurt a lot, so we needed lots of ways to protect ourselves.

[Snowdrop]

...it has made me realize I've made some progress in that department and I am a bit closer to allowing Self to be present. It's nice to see there has been some movement there.

That's great, Owl!

[marta1234]

Owl, I wanted to come by and send you a big warm hug for your day!

[dollyvee]

Thanks for letting me know Owl - that sounds great that you recognize your progress with IFS 

It took (and is taking me!) a long time to recognize the treatment of my own family as narcississtic and that it was in fact abuse. Sometimes a lot of the anecdotes (or descriptions of what a narc is) might be quite extreme. I think reading ppl's descriptions of gaslighting helped me recognize it in my own family as it's something quite hidden. Kizzie recommended the sister site to OTTS which is Out of The Fog and there are a lot of personality descriptions on there.

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
I am just popping by and sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[owl25]

Thank you, Snowdrop

marta, thank you for the big hug, it brings a smile to my face 

Thanks dollyvee, I've seen the other site, but haven't really felt a lot of connection to it. I think I've more suffered from emotional neglect by parents who had their own unresolved traumas and never knew how to nurture, as they never got it themselves. Thanks for the recommendation   

Thanks for the hug, Hope - always ok to do so  

[owl25]

I have met with a new trauma T and I think that finally this is going to work out. I am really happy with this new T and I think she's going to be able to properly help me. It's been a struggle to find someone. I feel very lucky that she was able to fit me in despite her busy schedule. I feel like I can finally start to heal.

I am feeling quite worn out. I think it's because my anxiety levels aren't as high as they were, and I am feeling how tired I really am. On the other hand, it also feels like a depression-caused fatigue. I didn't think I was depressed, just highly anxious, but given how hard it feels to do things like leave the house, I am starting to think it's depression. I have no desire or motivation to go for walks or connect with people, or to prepare healthy meals. Of course all those things would help my system, but it's just too much.

I'm just so tired. Wish I could sleep and really feel properly rested, but sleep's been a bit of a problem for a while too.

[Snowdrop]

Oh, that's great news about the T, Owl. I'm delighted.

I wonder if it's possible you might be feeling so worn out as a reaction to finding the T. The relief after the struggle. That's how it can be with me sometimes, anyway. I hope you can rest and be gentle with yourself.

Sending you much love and hugs of support.

[owl25]

Thank you Snowdrop    I think relief could definitely be a part of this. I've been so on edge and in pain about not having someone to help me with the trauma in the way that I need. I can finally start to move forward.

[owl25]

I meant to share this earlier. I recently came across a talk about trauma and healing by Tara Brach. She talks about trauma and that it is basically a breakdown of communications within ourselves and with people around us. It really fascinated me what she had to say about this communications breakdown. The parts of us that sense danger and the parts of us that can look at a situation objectively and say, "no, actually, we're okay" are disconnected from one another. The parts that sense danger take over. She mentions that integration really means restoring the internal communications within ourselves. I never really knew what integration meant whenever I would read about it, it felt like this abstract, undefined thing. I found this talk very helpful to understand things a bit differently.

Healing Trauma: The Light Shines Through the Broken Places with Tara Brach: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR-DN7JYSLo

[owl25]

I just wanted to write about how hard my intellectual part has worked to keep me from being scared, and how much it means to me that this part of me has been taking care of me in that way. I am deeply grateful to her for looking after me as I tried to heal. Having to cope with complex trauma has been traumatic in and of itself, another trauma on top of all the rest. She has done an amazing job of trying to help me to the best of her abilities, and has been relentless in her support. I only just became aware of how she helps me yesterday. Strange how I had no idea what her role was, why she was there. She's been a constant companion and very present for me all these years, and is a very familiar part of me. But I don't really know much about her, because I think that most of the time I am blended with her.

I am truly grateful for this part of me that loves me so fiercely.

[marta1234]

Dear Owl, I'm sending you a big warm hug for all your work and even your rest.

I'm happy that you finally found a T, and I would agree with Snowdrop, many times the relief is as bad as the constant worry you have before achieving something. I know for me, this happened to me every time I had my first appointment set with a therapist: it felt scary afterwards. Any ways, sending you lots of support 
I also wanted to add that I found your comments on the talk interesting. And, I just wanted to say that I could feel the love and appreciation you feel for your part when I read what you wrote. I think it resonated with my other parts as well, so many have felt forgotten or fought against, so it was nice to hear your kind words toward your part. If it's ok, I wanted to send a hug for you and your other part, and for being a constant companion to you. 

[dollyvee]

I think it resonated with my other parts as well, so many have felt forgotten or fought against, so it was nice to hear your kind words toward your part. If it's ok, I wanted to send a hug for you and your other part, and for being a constant companion to you. 

Marta put this really well. For me, I think that part is the one who helped keep me safe even if I was maybe alienated or a little different from others. It's really great to hear your appreciation for that part that helped you, and what a great job they did no matter the circumstances.