Owl's journal

[dollyvee]

This is great Owl, I'm happy you've found what works for you 

[owl25]

Thank you everyone! I'm happy to have such relief, but I also feel kind of bad to be sharing my good news while I know that everyone here is still struggling. I still am a bit in disbelief at the difference, how distressed I was, and how different it is now. It almost doesn't really compute for me. IFS has been exactly what I needed/still need. It brings with it the validation and the being heard at a deeper level (by both myself and an empathetic counsellor) that was missing all this time and this was the source of my distress - not being heard, seen, _really_ witnessed. I truly wish for everyone here to find this for themselves, I know what a struggle it is and how unbearable it all is. I wish I could help everyone find this relief.

I had a bit of a 'setback' earlier in the week. I ran into two triggers of mine - the slightest hint of rejection and fear of conflict, and I just wanted to hide from the world again. It reminded me that there are still major wounds there that haven't been looked at yet. It so happened that my session was the day after that happened, so it was really easy to focus on and work with. A lot of what came up for me wasn't really new (the memories that a part of me held), but somehow I just got it better. I intellectually somewhat understood the impact of those memories, but now I really get it. Jay Earley talks about childhood experiences needing to be metabolized, and I think that's a really good word for it. I can feel in my body what those impacts were, rather than at an intellectual level, I feel witnessed and seen by myself, and there's such relief in that. It is surprising how much we disconnect from ourselves and do not see ourselves, even though we think we do.

I felt an embodied sense of one of my protector parts, the one that keeps people at bay. It wasn't ready yet to let my younger self join us after I witnessed her memories and the impacts on her. It led to a new insight - I not only keep people in the external world at arm's length, I do the same thing with inner parts of me. I feel such compassion and love for this part of me. She's kept me so safe all these years. So for now this younger part is somewhere else, out in nature, and happily so, until a later time where she may be able to be with me.

My counsellor asked me to let this younger part of me know who I was and the present day and location for us. This felt like the first time a part could really hear Self and take that in. I had no protectors blocking things, I think this is a first.

As I get to know my protectors and exiles, I just feel such love and compassion for them.. which in effect is really love and compassion for myself. I can feel my heart growing a bit more each time.

[woodsgnome]

Owl, you wrote: " ... I also feel kind of bad to be sharing my good news while I know that everyone here is still struggling. I still am a bit in disbelief at the difference..."

I think there's little reason to 'feel kind of bad' for sharing the good news you've been sharing lately. For me at least, these vibes highlighting progress are always welcome, refreshing, and very encouraging to see. When one of us is able to take even the smallest step forward, it raises our spirits as well.

So, congratulations and thanks  are in order -- the good stuff may not seem dramatic, but it's valuable for everyone to see when things can go well, too. It's like looking over a scary cliff and discovering that yes, there is a new path after all.

Thanks again.   

[Armadillo]

This sounds really amazing the progress you are making in feeling connected with all the parts of you that have been trying to keep you safe. I love reading about this! 

[owl25]

Thanks woodsgnome, I'm glad it's helpful. Hope is definitely needed when all feels lost, so I am glad I can provide that

Thanks Armadillo!

[owl25]

It's been a long time since I've been here. I hope everyone is well enough and managing to make progress.

I have continued to work with my IFS therapist and it's going well. I am so glad I finally found someone that is a good fit for me.

I used to really identify with CPTSD. I still have a lot of old wounds that need healing, but the label doesn't feel like it applies anymore. For the most part the distress is gone, it's rare that I have a flashback or a feeling of terror. Although, I do know there are some feelings that still feel too much that for now are boxed up. It's interesting because now that I have been doing IFS for a while, I just look at that time of severe distress as very hurt parts of me completely taking over, looking for safety and stability, and not being able to find it. Now that I understand things from a parts framework, and have been able to access Self often enough, that distress has gone. It has been replaced with enough confidence that I can heal. I have found some internal secure attachment.

Today's a bit of a harder day. Parts carry a lot of grief, and I don't feel like I've done any real unburdening yet. Grief doesn't feel like something that can just be let go somehow, and it doesn't feel like I can change the outcome of my losses for my parts. In IFS they say you can change what happened in your internal world, but I'm not sure that's possible for grief. I don't know if anyone here knows more about that.

Even though I've been able to have more Self energy, I still struggle to be in Self a lot of times. I have a very sad and depressed part present today, which bothers another part that had plans for this weekend of getting things done, and it's important to that part we stick to the plan. The sad part just doesn't want to do anything. I don't really want to be incapacitated by the sad part today, but at the same time, I know it is important to let it be present and be with it. It's a bit of a challenge finding my way through this in the moment when these parts show up like this. It's difficult to get into Self enough to create some movement. I think writing here is an attempt at stepping back from parts a little and trying to get a bit of a clearer view, without pushing any of them away.

[rainydiary]

Owl, I am glad to read your post and update.  I can relate to what you say about how identifying with the label of CPTSD changes over time especially as you develop a new relationship and understanding of what is going on.  I appreciate you speaking that as I think I am in a similar place too.  I hope that you find what you are seeking.   

[Snowdrop]

It sounds as though you're making good progress, Owl. I'm so glad it's going well with your IFS therapist.

I've just finished reading Chapter 7 of No Bad Parts, and it includes a transcript of a session which involves some grief. It's a bit hard to describe out of context, but I can try if that would be helpful.

I hope writing here has helped.

[owl25]

rainydiary, I hope that you relating to what I wrote about the label means you feel you are healing from it as well 

Snowdrop, thank you for the offer to describe it - if it's a bit difficult to do, that's okay. Knowing that the book covers this is actually very helpful already, now I know I can find that information there, so thank you for that. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you for being willing to share your journey. I'm just about to start reading this book and I hope it helps.

[BeeKeeper]

Good morning Owl25

I'm encouraged by your writing and want to highlight similar feelings:

I was so angry with myself for not functioning better, but I really appreciate now that parts were trying to help protect me from the pain and distress by forcing me to rest and distracting me with tv or online. I'm still doing some of that behaviour, but I don't beat myself up over it anymore. I know to my core that this will resolve itself in time,

Dollyvee envisioned all the parts sitting around a table. I do too! (without reading that first) Interesting how we imagine ourselves being in one place.

Also this popped out:

I not only keep people in the external world at arm's length, I do the same thing with inner parts of me.

I became aware of this, but couldn't seem to change it consistently. Now I think working with the IFS and No Bad Parts is going to help me make progress. 

This stands out as the gem:

I have found some internal secure attachment.

I'm so happy for you and stand with others encouraging you to continue. 

[Hope67]

Even though I've been able to have more Self energy, I still struggle to be in Self a lot of times. I have a very sad and depressed part present today, which bothers another part that had plans for this weekend of getting things done, and it's important to that part we stick to the plan. The sad part just doesn't want to do anything. I don't really want to be incapacitated by the sad part today, but at the same time, I know it is important to let it be present and be with it. It's a bit of a challenge finding my way through this in the moment when these parts show up like this. It's difficult to get into Self enough to create some movement. I think writing here is an attempt at stepping back from parts a little and trying to get a bit of a clearer view, without pushing any of them away.

Hi Owl,
It's good to see you again, and I related to what you wrote here about your parts.  I particularly thought that you're really honouring your parts by stepping back from them a little, and getting a clearer view, without pushing any of them away - reading that made my own parts feel some sense of comfort too. 

Hope 

[owl25]

CactusFlower, I'm glad to share and that it's feeling helpful to others   I hope the book helps you. I haven't read that particular one yet myself but I have a whole stack of other IFS books. I love what IFS has been able to bring to me and very much believe it can help anyone who's interested and whose parts are not opposed.

BeeKeeper, nice to meet you  I suspect that external and internal distance may be a common experience for people with CPTSD. IFS has really made a difference in changing that internal distance for me, and with that comes a lot of inner calm and peace. It is an absolutely wonderful feeling to have. Thank you for the encouragement, I intend to keep going for sure   Glad to hear you're doing IFS as well, I wholeheartedly believe you will find a similar sense of peace and calm as a result

Thank you Hope, it was a bit of a tough day when I wrote that, I let go of my goals for the day and worked with them to see what was going on and what they needed. It led to some important understandings and significant progress as a result on what some parts need from me. I have been trying to honour those needs (the need for me to show them they aren't forgotten in my day-to-day, which I have been doing in the form of a daily check-in). It's really nice to hear that my approach of trying to get clarity without pushing parts away gave a sense of comfort to your parts, thank you for sharing that 

---

I am making good progress with my parts. When I first started, it was very hard, as I hadn't established much trust with them yet. But, I've been working on it and I've started documenting what is called a "parts timeline" (described in the Daily Parts Meditation Practice book by Michelle Glass). Parts weren't okay doing this until recently so I am quite pleased I am able to now. The timeline basically is a record of any IFS session or time spent with parts, where you list which part came up and in what order, and what they had to say. I am finding it helpful in a couple of ways - one, it helps solidify the understanding of each part and strengthens my connection with them, and two, over time I can revisit and start to see the bigger picture. By reviewing what I have documented I can start to connect some dots and come to understand that for example, some parts were actually the same part, and get a fuller picture. I can also start to see which parts tend to come up together a lot.

I am really enjoying getting to know parts like this, and really wish I had more time and energy to do more of it. I am also listening to "Greater than the sum of our parts",  have a list of books I'm trying to read, and I've been listening to podcasts and watch any IFS video that looks interesting to me. If I could do this full-time I think I almost would for a while.

I sometimes feel like Self is there but that it's outside of me, like I am a part and I can hear or sense Self and sense how it just gives me space to be. It automatically tells me what I need to hear, and I think, how did Self know to communicate that to me? I'm not really sure how to explain this experience. It kind of feels like a bit of a reversal of the regular IFS process, where you have other parts step back to make space for Self, and from that place you communicate with parts and you see parts. I'm not sure if anyone else experiences it "backwards" like this or not. I haven't come across any description of that anywhere.

[owl25]

I just got reminded of something that I wanted to share. I forget where I heard it now, either a podcast, or it's from "Greater than the sum of our parts". Instead of an onion, Richard Schwartz likens healing to working with cloves of a garlic bulb. There is a cluster of parts that forms around each past hurt, and as you heal one cluster (one clove). the other cloves are pretty much still intact. So instead of working with layers of an onion, we are working with cloves of a bulb. I like this, it feels like a fresh perspective.

[BeeKeeper]

Good morning Owl25

You said:

The timeline basically is a record of any IFS session or time spent with parts, where you list which part came up and in what order, and what they had to say. I am finding it helpful in a couple of ways - one, it helps solidify the understanding of each part and strengthens my connection with them, and two, over time I can revisit and start to see the bigger picture. By reviewing what I have documented I can start to connect some dots and come to understand that for example, some parts were actually the same part, and get a fuller picture. I can also start to see which parts tend to come up together a lot.

What a testimonial! Sorry for the McD's copyright infringement, I'm LOVIN' it.

I acknowledge this might be a sneak peak into my future, but even if it isn't, I'm psyched about the ways it's been helpful for you. Especially the bigger picture part. I've been accused professionally of not seeing the bigger picture. And the flip side is, but, I'm genuinely good with the details! The reality is there's a balance and the bigger picture is composed of those details, so you can't have one without the other. I tended to separate it in my mind, either/or. Now you bring a different perspective for me, which feels like an open door calling me through. 

Thanks for the garlic/onion analogy. That clarifies it for me.