Owl's journal

[owl25]

Sorry Jazzy, just realized I hadn't replied to your reply - that's a great suggestion! For grounding I am learning to breathe and to sit with the emotion like I do during a session with my new therapist as a grounding technique, but I still need a lot of practice.

One note of progress I would like to record here: the feeling that I have to change for others because of how I affect them has shifted. Another wise therapist in my life asked me whether the change that is needed is something I actually want for myself. Because if the motivation is to try to do it just for others, then it's going to create a lot of anxiety and make it harder. Realizing I want it for me, and that it's not something to work on out of obligation for others, is a huge shift. It does change how I feel about the work that needs to be put in and lightens that load.

[Not Alone]

I will try to talk to my therapist about it next session, but I'm worried something else will pop up for me instead. What feels pressing changes from moment to moment. Another way I might be avoiding actually changing anything. If I jump around all the time, then I can't focus on any one thing, and I stay in this limbo.

I used to feel (and still often feel) like the urgent that I needed to talk about in session would be trumped by another urgent then another urgent would come up. You have a lot going on, a lot you are dealing with. Only you can decide if you are avoiding change, but maybe the jumping around is because there is so much to deal with.

[Three Roses]

[owl25]

Thanks notalone and Three Roses, that could be it as well. I always have felt overwhelmed by everything.

----
I woke up this morning and instantly felt the anxiety and the urge to not be touched and pull away. I've been curious about the experience the past few mornings and been trying to connect with it and see what it's about. It's a strong physiological feeling, almost like a buzzing feeling in my limbs.

I hadn't gone to check in with the various parts of me in several days. Last week my teen part blocked me on that. This part was the one that didn't want to have to change, and was feeling afraid of change. At some point in the last week it spontaneously allowed me to check in on other parts that I had started to work with. All parts were okay. Then somehow I lost track of doing this daily. I decided to check in with them this morning.

The parts I was connected to two weeks ago were a 6 year old, a 4 year old, an 8 year old, a 10/11 year old, the teen, and a baby. The 6 year old was forgotten at school by the adult that was supposed to get her (not a family member). The 4 year old - I can't remember right now what happened for her that she was showing me. The 8 year old ran away from school and got in trouble for it at home instead of the love and care she needed. The 10/11 year old was crumpled on the floor. The teen was crumpled on the ground in our garden. The baby needed holding.

I need to finish this later.

[owl25]

Continued
I worked with each part over a couple of days. I was able to be there with them and help them feel a bit safer and calmer. I helped them all be able to go to bed and get some rest. Eventually I was able to bring all of them together in the same room so they wouldn't be alone and they could sleep together there. The 8 year old wasn't ready for that and wanted to be alone.

The teen after that wouldn't allow me to check in. Things got a bit messy after that. Last week's session helped the teen to trust this process a bit more, but still feeling scared. Then a few days ago she suddenly let me check in on the others. They were still in the room, and okay. I forgot to check the past few days. I checked this morning. They were all feeling like they'd been left and stuck in the room together. I brought them downstairs in our house, while I started to make breakfast. There is an overall feeling of emptiness and aloneness, even though all these parts are together now. The 8 year old has joined but still feeling withdrawn from the rest.

I'm not sure at this point how to help. The emptiness and aloneness is all parts of me being in the home I grew up in, and there are no other adults there. No one is there. We are a group of children in an empty house. My mother is gone. She was always there, always in that house.

I feel really sad and a bit useless. Beyond being there and making breakfast, I don't know what to do next.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now, Owl.

I think you're doing well with your parts. You've identified various parts, they've shared experiences with you, and you've been listening to their needs. These are all good things .

I feel really sad and a bit useless... I don't know what to do next.

When I've felt like this, it's usually been because I've been blended with a part, and there's not enough space for my Self. I wonder if it's possible that you're currently blended with a part that feels sad, useless and doesn't know what to do? Just a thought.

[owl25]

Thank you Snowdrop. I'm not very consistent yet in being there for the different parts, but it's been a good start. It has noticeably made things easier for me the past couple of weeks than they would have been in the past.

I was thinking that same thing when I wrote about feeling sad and useless, that that must be another part. However, I can't seem to shift away from that part enough to engage with it. I'm being blocked on being more in Self. Maybe it's teen me again. That part of me has essentially been the one to have to take care of everything, even when it's too much for a teen and requires an adult.

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
I just wanted to say 'hello' - and wish you the best with your journal and working with parts.  I've seen you around and wanted to say 'welcome' - I meant to say that to you before, but time passed by, and so I thought, I'll pop by and say it today in your journal. 
Hope 

[owl25]

Hi Hope, thank you for saying hi and welcoming me, it makes me feel very welcome. I have been reading some of your journal too but haven't felt like I had much to offer in response yet. Nice to meet you

[owl25]

Things change so fast and so quickly from one day to the next. A lot of emotional changes. I've been a bit focused on my mornings the past few days, trying to explore and figure out what exactly goes on for me, why does my body feel on edge and on guard, what do I feel and think, what can I do to try and shift it? I have tried to connect with different parts of myself, and they are disconnected from me, like they don't know I am there. I think there's a part of me that is on guard when I first wake up and it's not really allowing me to connect. It must be protecting me from something. I appreciated that yesterday morning and so decided to stop pushing and try to figure out what goes on for me in the mornings. Then this morning there was a change. The first thought I had was that I didn't want my mother. I didn't want her here and I didn't want to be around her. I mentally was pushing her away from me. It was as if in a way some part of me thought she was still around, and probably downstairs, and that I would have to interact with her.

I feel in the mornings like I need a bubble all around me and like I want to push my partner away. Stay away so I can just be. This was the same feeling, but instead it was about her. It surprised me because I have been grieving her for quite a while now. But maybe this is an insight on how I felt in the mornings in my family home.

It's really quite difficult and confusing because I loved her too. She loved me too. So to have these other feelings around her is hard.

[owl25]

A couple of days ago I connected with my 11 year old self. I can't really write about the details of it, but I did want to make note of it here. There is grief around that part of me and my mother. In hindsight, my mother would have been there more for me than I understood at the time. It might have changed some things for me, had I known back then. But I didn't. So much lost time for both of us. I miss her so much. 

[Not Alone]

I have very conflicting feelings about my mom. It's hard to sit with that. Black or white is easier to understand.

I think you're doing a good job of allowing yourself the time and openness to look inside yourself.

[owl25]

I finally am reading Pete Walker's book. Some things that stood out for me:

"First, the good news about Cptsd. It is a learned set of responses, and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks. This means that it is environmentally, not genetically, caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterological. As such, it is learned. It is not inscribed in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by nurture [or rather the lack of it] not nature.

This is especially good news because what is learned can be unlearned and vice versa. What was not provided by your parents can now be provided by yourself and others."  (page 1, 2)

(Bolded by me) This to me translates into hope (and also solidifies the hope I have regained recently). This can be unlearned and recovered from.

And:
"A key aspect of the abandonment depression in Cptsd is the lack of a sense of belonging to humanity, life, anyone, or anything."  (p 38)

This really resonates for me, the lack of belonging. I found a sense of belonging when I found this forum. The difference it makes is mind-boggling.

[Not Alone]

           Hope & Belonging

[owl25]

Thank you notalone, for both your posts