Owl's journal

[owl25]

rainy, I'm sorry you feel so much of this too. It's hard. It's hard to have some perspective when these feelings take over.

armee, I hope I do figure something out soon, but I'm not holding my breath.

--

I had a terrible dream last night that had me wake up crying out in pain. I dreamt I was talking to my mother, but she wasn't my mother anymore, because she didn't know who I was. I told her I very much would like her to be my mother and she just didn't know how to respond. It was a bit of a deer in headlights response, she didn't know who I was and she didn't know how to react. It instantly felt like she had died, and then I woke up from the pain of that, and realized it was still true. She still has died, and it hurts so much. It feels like this grief will never leave me, and it's so heavy.

I do not know how I am supposed to apply IFS to grief. Sometimes when I am feeling something quite intensely, my therapist will try to get me to step back a bit from the part that is feeling so much, so that I can be with it and offer it comfort. It doesn't feel like this works though. It's one thing to process things from long ago, and to have a part tell Self about it and for Self to offer comfort. It just doesn't seem like it works for something like this, and I don't know if it's just me, if I'm doing something wrong. When I feel the grief I can't take a step away from it to keep some distance so that it doesn't overwhelm (the reason why she tries to get me to step back). It feels like abandoning myself in a sense if I try to do that. Maybe this is something that my body needs so that the grief can be worked through physiologically?

I'm confused by all of this. Given the pain I felt in the middle of the night, I understand why part of me isn't letting me progress with IFS. It is trying to contain the pain, and after having felt it, this makes more sense. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't know where that leaves me.

[sanmagic7]

 

[dollyvee]

I felt a lot of pain and anger that I carry, and at the same time there didn't feel like there was a way out or away from it all. Feeling it and acknowledging it didn't bring any relief. Part of me feels trapped in the past because these feelings are from the past. This part is very angry and also does not want to allow for any changes through IFS. Doesn't trust me and won't make room for Self. It just wants peace and to ignore the past like it didn't happen. Except it doesn't work that way, other parts carry the past and they don't just go away. This part feels resentful about all of it, another reason why it's blocking me on doing any kind of work. It just feels kind of hopeless to me that I'll ever get anywhere, there's always a part of me that undermines any efforts, because it's not allowing it.

Hi Owl,

This really resonated with me and feel I'm experiencing something similar right now. When feelings come up about my grandmother/mother, I feel like the guilt I'm carrying (that it was my fault, that I can't leave them behind) somehow keeps me in these feelings. If I let it go, I'm letting go of the only idea of the world I had as a child and the one that would give me (or so I thought) protection and love, and the unknown brings up a lot, a lot lot lot of fear. It's like the part of me that has to experience the world is still that young child even though it's not the case.

Sending support and space that you can be with the part that's feeling so much right now.

dolly

[rainydiary]

Owl, that sounds like a lot to feel while sleeping.  I hope you have found some rest and ease.

[Not Alone]

I do not know how I am supposed to apply IFS to grief. Sometimes when I am feeling something quite intensely, my therapist will try to get me to step back a bit from the part that is feeling so much, so that I can be with it and offer it comfort. It doesn't feel like this works though. It's one thing to process things from long ago, and to have a part tell Self about it and for Self to offer comfort. It just doesn't seem like it works for something like this, and I don't know if it's just me, if I'm doing something wrong. When I feel the grief I can't take a step away from it to keep some distance so that it doesn't overwhelm (the reason why she tries to get me to step back). It feels like abandoning myself in a sense if I try to do that. Maybe this is something that my body needs so that the grief can be worked through physiologically?

I'm confused by all of this. Given the pain I felt in the middle of the night, I understand why part of me isn't letting me progress with IFS. It is trying to contain the pain, and after having felt it, this makes more sense. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't know where that leaves me.

Owl, often my Parts need comfort from my T for quite some time before I am able to be the adult and comfort that Part. It seems that you sense that you need to feel the grief. I don't think that you are doing something wrong or aren't progressing with IFS. Trust yourself.

[owl25]

Thank you san.

dolly, what you describe seems to be quite similar to some of what I am experiencing. Parts of me won't release or let go the bad feelings from the past, because in a way those feelings keep her alive.

rainy, it was rough to wake up that way, but it also allowed for a release of some grief which I seem to keep quite a lid on. I have been able to catch up on some rest, thank you 

Not Alone, thank you. What you say about needing someone else offer comfort first before being able to do that ourselves makes so much sense to me. I sometimes think this step of the process gets rushed, the getting us to do it for ourselves. Thank you for saying to trust myself, that is really helpful. I think I needed to hear that from someone outside of myself.

---

I'm slowly getting back into the groove of IFS. Parts allowed me to do some IFS work today, and it was helpful. I've had a little bit of a realization today, that I need to just go with the flow when it comes to working with myself.

I find IFS a bit hard to do at times because I am trying to follow the pre-defined protocol, and it just doesn't always fit or work for me. I get frustrated in session sometimes because my therapist tries to get me to separate from a part and interact with it from Self. But typically my parts don't want to do things this way. What feels better to me is to let the part be present and let me be that part. When I am by myself,  what happens then is I can hear Self responding to me from outside of me being the part. I can't see Self, but it's there, like the sun in the sky. And Self is automatically saying all these things to me, no thought goes into it, it just comes. Self was helping me feel heard and comforted this morning, but it felt like a separate entity from me.

I feel like I am doing IFS 'backwards', and haven't heard of anyone else doing it like this. It's not bad or wrong, but does have me wondering. I can't be the only one whose system works in reverse? I think trying to do IFS in the 'right' order gets in the way of my flow. I think it gets in the way as well when working with my therapist sometimes.

[Not Alone]

I find IFS a bit hard to do at times because I am trying to follow the pre-defined protocol, and it just doesn't always fit or work for me. I get frustrated in session sometimes because my therapist tries to get me to separate from a part and interact with it from Self. But typically my parts don't want to do things this way. What feels better to me is to let the part be present and let me be that part. When I am by myself,  what happens then is I can hear Self responding to me from outside of me being the part. I can't see Self, but it's there, like the sun in the sky. And Self is automatically saying all these things to me, no thought goes into it, it just comes. Self was helping me feel heard and comforted this morning, but it felt like a separate entity from me.

I feel like I am doing IFS 'backwards', and haven't heard of anyone else doing it like this. It's not bad or wrong, but does have me wondering. I can't be the only one whose system works in reverse? I think trying to do IFS in the 'right' order gets in the way of my flow. I think it gets in the way as well when working with my therapist sometimes.

Owl, I don't want what I say to confuse what you are doing with your T. Please disregard anything that is not helpful. I hear your frustration, and that prompts me to respond. Context information; I am working with a T who is trained in IFS. I find that some of the IFS stuff is helpful and some is not a fit for me, or at least not a fit right now. IFS is a way of doing therapy. It is a tool. There might be tools in the IFS toolbox that you don't need, don't know how to use, or are not helpful yet.

I will give you an example. I don't have a lot of connection with the current Little that has been out and in therapy. I am aware of what she says and does, but for some reason my adult/nurturing of her has been less than with other Littles. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm not concerned about it. Because of previous experience, I know that my ability to care for different Parts changes over time. When my T says to her, "Not Alone and I care about you," I do care about her, but I feel very distant. Therapist has told her that she's not bad. I don't think that I can say that with a fully truthful heart right now. I/she needs someone else (T) to say it.

I'm wondering if you've shared what you're thinking and feeling (paragraph quoted above) with your therapist? Sometimes it feels like our T can read our minds, but of course they can't.

Again, I encourage you to trust yourself. IFS stands for "internal family system." It is YOUR internal system. Keep listening to yourself.

[dollyvee]

I feel like I am doing IFS 'backwards', and haven't heard of anyone else doing it like this. It's not bad or wrong, but does have me wondering. I can't be the only one whose system works in reverse? I think trying to do IFS in the 'right' order gets in the way of my flow. I think it gets in the way as well when working with my therapist sometimes.

Hi Owl,

I'm glad that resonated with you. For me, these are big feelings and once I understand something intellectually, it doesn't always match up emotionally. I've been learning about the Bon tradition of Tibetan Buddhism recently and after I wrote the post the other day, I found a talk about fear which hit home with me. He states that we have all we need in us (protection, love, warmth) but "parts" of us have our identity wrapped up in things outside ourselves (parents, relationships, jobs, etc), and when we lose the things outside ourselves, we feel the emptiness without the protection, love, warmth etc and that you can cultivate this with the Three Doors. I don't think it's always so easy with trauma and I am working out how to incorporate it, but I thought it was interesting as the explanation seems so close to what I'm feeling. Maybe it's useful for you too.

IFS maybe only worked in a small way for me the way I read it described in a book and I would echo Not Alone, that this is your internal family system and you are learning (discerning) what worked for you. For me, I feel/felt like, OK this is what my parts are showing me, now what does it mean and how does it work? I think it kind of felt good tho to build that trust relationship with my inner workings. My guess would be that that part feels that way for a reason, that maybe there is something it hasn't shown you yet about why it likes to be that way, or maybe another protector who is stepping in for some reason? But whatever it is, it's your connection to you.

dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
I admire the fact that you're honouring your consideration of 'flow' and addressing things in a way that feels ok to you and your parts. 
Hope 

[owl25]

Not Alone, thank you for sharing your perspective and insights. I agree some of the tools in IFS may just not be right for me just yet, in this moment, but may be helpful at a later point in time when I have worked through some things first. I shared a little with my T today around all of this, but not a lot. I need to take small steps.

dolly, part of my identity may be indeed wrapped up in who and how my parents expected me to be. There may be a lot to untangle there. Part of it was feeling responsible for them/their feelings in an indirect way. Meeting their expectations resulted in a certain set of feelings which were difficult and painful, and so now those feelings = my parents getting what they need. Except my parents aren't here anymore. I can't seem to let those feelings go because it feels like it's the only way to still be connected to them. Feeling the same unhappiness/pain is a means of keeping them alive, to some part of me.

Hope, thank you, you found another way of wording things for me that is really helpful. Flow is important to me and I hadn't quite put my finger on it.

---

I am utterly exhausted tonight. Massive headache and worn out from today's session. I didn't expect this to happen but I shared a little with my counsellor today about what doesn't work for me (trying to get some parts to step back). It's hard for me to share things like that.

I discovered today there is a protective part that does not want to continue IFS. Still feeling this right now and even though I don't have the reasons for it, the lack of progress (or perceived lack of progress) recently is now making sense.

My heart hurts tonight. Missing my parents horribly despite everything that happened.

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you, owl, with your pain.  you showed courage in your session today.  i don't doubt that protective part is shielding you from something you may not be quite ready to face.  it sounds like you made a step toward that door, tho.  i hope you can give yourself credit for that.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[owl25]

Thank you, sanmagic, for your kind words 

---

I'm feeling unsettled today and a mix of things. It's clear now there is a part that is very strongly against me moving forward with any IFS. Having this clarity is helpful, it was something I wasn't really aware of before. I am in no hurry to rush things along. In fact, I now feel apprehensive about it all. I am concerned about the intensity of both anger and fear that I have noticed in response to trying to do IFS. It is unsettling that there's a massive fear of "going there", because I don't understand the fear yet. I'm not sure at this point that I want to pursue any of this. At the same time, some of the grief has been bubbling to the surface, and it hurts. I'm afraid of the pain, of feeling the full brunt of it, because it feels like it's more than I could possibly bear.

Right now I'd rather just leave it all be, but part of me thinks, I can't live the rest of my life like this, with this deeply buried pain that shows me the deeply painful tip of the iceberg regularly.

This block has been there from even before I lost my mother.

I don't really know where to go from here.

[dollyvee]

dolly, part of my identity may be indeed wrapped up in who and how my parents expected me to be. There may be a lot to untangle there. Part of it was feeling responsible for them/their feelings in an indirect way. Meeting their expectations resulted in a certain set of feelings which were difficult and painful, and so now those feelings = my parents getting what they need. Except my parents aren't here anymore. I can't seem to let those feelings go because it feels like it's the only way to still be connected to them. Feeling the same unhappiness/pain is a means of keeping them alive, to some part of me.

Hi Owl,

Thanks for sharing this - it seems like a very big realization. I want to send a hug to your little ones that are scared to let go if that's ok.  It does seem like a lot of pressure on you to do that for them growing up and I can understand why it might be hard to let it go because what happens if you do? Where would they be then?

In the Unattached Burdens course with Bob Falconer that I took he said that our fear parts were a gift because they show us some very deep parts of ourselves; that we need to really thank them for showing up. Hope you can spend some time with them and get to know them.

I listened to this talk the other day and he mentioned that fear is "experiencing the emptiness of Self without the warmth and awareness and sense of perfection/completeness when you are losing the thing you have been identifying with." If you're interested, the talk is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0g05e8QIs&list=LL&index=17&t=3s

Sending you support and think it's great that you have the courage to look at all this inside yourself.

dolly

[Armee]

I don't know if it's true or helpful and I have done no parts work at all. But just what I am feeling reading your last post, Owl, is that is doing IFS you've just recently pulled up a lot of grief that was dormant. Like an almost overwhelming amount of grief. And maybe this resistance to doing more IFS from this other part is really just a reminder to slow down and process what just came up before rushing to unbury more while neglecting the pain you are currently feeling.

But maybe that's what you mean? That you want to process this pain and to do that you need to do parts work and this one part isn't letting you.

Either way the pain and hurt sound difficult and I want to give you a safe virtual hug to get through today if that is welcome.

[sanmagic7]

hey, owl,

i have no doubt you will find your way, even if you don't know where to go from here right now.  please, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself as best you can, and breathe.  keep breathing, ok?  right beside you all the way.  love and hugs