Owl's journal

[owl25]

Today was difficult. Usually the mornings settle me and any anxiety from waking eventually goes away, but not today. Today it turned into a weird pressure in my head. I wanted to tend to myself, but didn't have the quiet and space for it for most of the day. Once that started to become available, I noticed I was feeling a bit afraid of connecting with what was going on. It was good to recognize that. I gave myself a bit more time to gain a little courage before I sat with myself. Then, it felt like I just couldn't connect with myself. Resistance from different parts. The feeling that I just don't know how to do this, but then, that's a part too, that keeps saying that. It then turned into, "you always mess it up and make things worse" (when trying to connect with parts). (I have messed up in trying to work with parts). Then fear. Fear of connecting with feelings and of what's there (whatever it is - I am so disconnected that I don't know). Then it kind of felt like I went into a daze. It felt like a different part of me was me, a part that's been blocked or pushed away somehow. I felt feelings I didn't really know were there.

I can't get my head around how there are sets of feelings and thoughts that feel like they aren't really mine, and that I have no awareness of until I start to experience them somehow.

This part of me didn't want to have to go away again and for its feelings to be locked away again. I didn't really know how to respond. Another part (protector likely) eventually came and felt it was enough.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the disconnection to my feelings, I don't like the sense that different parts of me are locked away. I don't like that these parts feel so separate from me. I don't feel whole, and it really bothers me.

I also don't feel very able to change this.

[buddy9832]

 

Hi owl,

I'm sorry to hear you had a rough day, that's tough. I wish I could offer some friendly words and that I can relate to it (the different parts) but I'm just starting to look into IFS.

I can relate to  being disconnected from your feelings and not feeling whole. I have a very hard time understanding myself and for me there always feels like something is missing.

You are heard. I hope you get through this and start tomorrow anew and refreshed. Ready to tackle your different parts again.  You can change this but sometimes progress is slow.

[owl25]

I feel worse. Things aren't working. Want to give up. Can't do this.

[Not Alone]

I feel worse. Things aren't working. Want to give up. Can't do this.

I understand those feelings. I spoke something very similar to my therapist yesterday and wrote very similar in my journal today.

It feels awful. Right now I am sitting on my patio and listening to the birds. The storm is still raging, but for the moment I am experiencing some calm. Are there one or two things you could do that would bring a little calm? It might not make the storm go away, but might help you not to capsize.

[owl25]

I think I need to quit therapy. I don't think I can find the right person to help me. I've been through several people. I can't take the pain when a session goes awry. I'm not fixable. The pain is too much. I want to heal but I don't think it's possible for me. They are still trying to figure this out. If they still don't have the answers then what can be done?

I am paralyzed and can't move from the pain. There is no point in reaching out to any therapist because it just ends up being made worse every time. I don't know why I keep going back.

[buddy9832]

Owl, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you finally find a therapist that will help you or at least find a new means to heal.

[owl25]

Thanks notalone and buddy for replying. Sorry I didn't respond, it's been really difficult. I'm struggling.

I woke at 4:30 this morning. Fear in my chest, then it moved to the pit of my stomach. I feel absolutely drained. Slow to move when I walk or am up. My energy is being sucked out of me. Part of me feels like I'm drowning. Part of me feels like I'm dying. Part of me yesterday took over completely after a session that didn't end well and I feel completely hopeless. I am now looking into another T.. much more than I can afford, so am thinking it will have to be every two weeks even though weekly would be better for me. I am fearful that if it doesn't work out, that I'll really be out of options and I will just die emotionally. I feel paralyzed right now and am fearful of it becoming crippling if I cannot find the right T for me. Resources are scarce, I don't live in a big metropolitan area, so this has me scared. What if I just can't find what I need?

This is the opposite of what I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. I had improvement, more energy, hope. I felt more capable. All of that is gone. I have doubts about my T, and asked more questions, but the answers have not helped to reassure this is the right person for me.

I'm so scared that in the end there won't be the proper help for me and that I will end up living my life out in misery and depression. It's not fair to my H or kids if that happens. I am scared that my protectors are so strong they won't allow me to work on things and will sabotage any efforts. I feel like there's been a lot of that and I understand it's to protect, but the resulting hopelessness makes me feel like I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I don't know what to do, the protectors are too strong.

[Snowdrop]

I hear that it's hard. I hear that the fear and hopelessness feels overwhelming. But hang in there. It's ok. You're safe.

My understanding is that it can take time to find the right T, but I'm sure that the right one is out there for you.

Sending you love and warm hugs of support.

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop. I hope you're right. I'm scared it won't be possible for me. There was no help as a child and I am so afraid there is no help for me now either. I hope this is okay to ask, are you doing your IFS work on your own? I would if I could but the protectors aren't allowing it. It feels like I do need outside guidance. But from your journal it seems like you're managing on your own?

[Snowdrop]

I'm perfectly fine with you asking questions .

Yes, I'm doing IFS work on my own. I started reading the Richard Schwartz Internal Family Systems Therapy book early November last year, and lots of things seemed to click into place as I read it. It also resonated with other things I was familiar with. I started putting IFS into practice a couple (?) of weeks later.

I think one of the key things for me has been to do what I can to build my Self, if that makes sense. Some of that has involved me spending time recognising when I'm blended with a part, then asking that part to unblend so that I'm back to being my Self.

I hope this helps.

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop. My biggest struggle is parts of me not wanting to allow for Self to be present. I don't know how to resolve that. I'm scared to death. It feels completely unsafe.

[Snowdrop]

That makes me wonder what the parts who are scared are so frightened of. Why they feel unsafe.

One possibility is that they might be stuck in the past. I very often find that when I start working with a part, they don't know I'm an adult. I ask them how old they think I am, and they think I'm still a child. When I tell them how old I am, that I'm my Self and that the Self can heal parts, they tend to calm down and listen. I don't know if something like this might help with your protectors?

The other thing I have to do is communicate with each part individually. If they're in a group, it can be a bit . Sometimes protector parts can be scared of other protector parts, so I have to talk to them individually, then negotiate with them in order for them all to calm down.

Have you tried listening to any Richard Schwartz guided meditations? There are some on YouTube. I find they can help me be more in my Self. I find shamanic drumming tracks help too.

[owl25]

Thanks Snowdrop, that is helpful. I'm not really sure what's happening. I got feedback earlier in the week from a protector that is afraid of change, as in really afraid. It surprised me how strong the fear was. I think there is more than one protector, because when I tried to talk to what I thought was the main one, a different came up and blocked that from happening. I think these particular ones do know I'm an adult (I think?), they just don't trust me. When I make a mistake that gets me hurt, they rail against me. Why should they allow me to to negotiate with them when I make mistakes that unleash the pain? It also doesn't help that adults have always failed me. Why should the adult I am be any different?

A couple of times I've listened to a talk by Richard Schwartz and he'd do a short guided meditation as an exercise, but there too I feel protectors getting in the way and not allowing it.

[Three Roses]

I had this same experience, owl, trying to participate in a guided exercise recently. It was as if the protector(s) had locked away all the other parts and I couldn't see or talk to them. Frustrating.

[Snowdrop]

I don't know if this helps, but when I first started using IFS, it was like I had a tangled ball of protectors. I'd try and talk to one, and another would pop up to stop me. I'd try and talk to that one, and I'd get another one. Sometimes the part would appear, sometimes they'd blend with me so that I felt scared, frustrated, or something else that wasn't Self-like.

I got through it by continuing from part to part until I reached the end of the line of protectors, and wasn't blended with any of them. I was able to feel curious about that final part, and care about it.

The whole thing felt a bit like untangling a big ball of wool. I had to find the right bit of wool to tug in order to start untangling the mess.

It also doesn't help that adults have always failed me. Why should the adult I am be any different?

I had this response from parts as well. I found it helpful to tell them that I wasn't just an adult, I was my Self, and then explain to them what that meant. I remember that with a few parts, it was as though they couldn't see me properly at first, but when I told them I was my Self, the fog cleared and they could see me properly.