Owl's journal

[owl25]

Three Roses, it is frustrating for sure. I'm sorry you run into the same problem. It does help to know it's not just me. I hope we can both figure this out for ourselves.

Snowdrop, the way you describe that, I think that's what goes on for me too.  Just one part after the other pops up, and I then get confused, as I don't know if I am still talking to the same part from a moment ago, or if it's a different one. It does indeed feel like a big tangled ball of wool. This is really helpful, thank you so much for sharing this. I was getting so lost in the confusion of it all, and like this was impossible for me. It gives me a little more hope and also a bit of clarity on what's probably happening.

I really struggle to access Self and to really feel like I'm in Self. I think I have some Self-like parts (which morph into the master protector? I get so confused) and so I think I might be in Self when I'm not. That gets in the way too. I feel like Self is continually being covered over by another part somehow, making me invisible.

[Snowdrop]

I read something a while back about telling the difference between the Self and a Self-like part. If you see yourself doing things as though from the outside looking in, you're blended with a Self-like part. If you don't see yourself doing things, and it's like your vision is on the inside looking out, you're your Self. I hope that makes sense!

[owl25]

Snowdrop, that does make sense, I'll try that, thank you!

This makes me wonder about when I was with parts a couple of weeks ago. The scene I left behind was me keeping them company with them tucked into bed so they wouldn't have to be alone. I thought Self was staying with them while I went off to do present day things. That must have been a Self-like part instead? Can Self go off somewhere by itself? It sounds like that's not possible?

[Snowdrop]

I wonder if it might have been a Self-like part. I think it's generally best to try and keep your Self with you.

One thing I've found helpful is to give each part their own safe space to hang out in. My parts have chosen caves, treehouses, libraries and craft rooms. The parts can still meet up if they want to. Some want to do this, some don't.

[owl25]

I had read about safe spaces before and tried that, but parts weren't ready to leave the family home. So I guess I got creative and kept them company with what now turns out to have been a Self-like part. It makes sense to keep Self with me and to not try to have it be elsewhere.

Thanks so much for sharing what you know, Snowdrop, it helps immensely. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad it's helped.

[owl25]

Still having nightmares around my mother's death. The franticness around the empty house keeps coming back. I'm there, all I have is limited time. All her things are there, but she's gone and it's horrible. I keep reliving it in the nightmares. I don't know how to release this trauma.

I'm allowing myself to feel the loss right now. I have so many regrets. So many things I wish I could take back. I had gone NC. Then she got ill. I stayed NC. My mother meant well. She didn't intend to hurt me, but it got to the point where I felt terror at the thought of contact with her. I couldn't come out of NC even though I knew she didn't have much time left. I can't forgive myself for this. Even though I know I was terrified of being hurt again. I simply could not reconnect. Flashbacks overtook me. She was a massive trigger I had no defense against. It kept me away from her. She hurt me so badly. She had no idea how much she hurt me. I want to undo things. I want to go back in time and change my reactions. I want to take back the insights I have now and make different decisions back then. There are no do-overs in life. We only get one shot. Why can't I go back and fix things?

I miss her horribly. She loved me. I hurt her. We hurt each other. Neither of us meant to. We just didn't know how to change things. The burdens of the past affected everything.

I wish I believed in another realm or the afterlife or something. I wish I believed she's still there, part of the universe, waiting for me. I wish I would get signs from her to indicate her presence. I know many people experience these from people who've died whom they loved. I wish, I wish, I wish these things were true for me. I'm so sorry for what happened and that I couldn't change my end of things somehow. We needed help and no one helped us. I wish I believed she's still there, somehow, out there. That everything will be okay in the end.

This grief feels just as raw as before. I think most of the time I block the feelings around this. I wake up in the mornings from another house nightmare. I feel the fear. I feel powerless to change it or shift it. I just put up with it. I get started on my day. Eventually it passes, and I get on with my day. No sadness most days. I've been feeling some pangs the past few days. Part of me doesn't want to feel the pain of this loss. It's too easy to avoid.

It hurts so much. I want my mother back.

[owl25]

I feel like I carry double the grief. My grief for losing my mother. But also her grief for her losing her life. Her grief for all her traumas she never was able to face. Her grief for losing her daughter and not knowing how to fix it.

I don't know how to forgive myself for all the ways I failed her.

[Snowdrop]

The nightmares sound horrid, Owl. I wish I could take the pain away for you.

[owl25]

Thank you, Snowdrop.

I am utterly exhausted. I allowed the pain in yesterday and couldn't shut it off before sleep. So sleep took longer than usual.

I awoke this morning, and somehow managed to work with different parts, which wasn't possible before. I can't share yet what happened. But there were some insights and some small shifts, I think? I'm not sure.

Feeling the pangs of grief today. I feel angry with my mother for getting ill. For not giving us the time to work things out by not surviving that illness. And then I think it's all my fault. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten ill, if things had been okay enough between us. Maybe I caused her to get so sick.

[buddy9832]

 

Hi owl,

I'm sorry to hear about the grief, guilt and pain you are feeling. It resonated with me and I can't help but feel this will be my future down the road. I wish I could say something more to help you feel better but you have been heard.

[owl25]

Thank you buddy I hope you won't go through this yourself.

I am not feeling well. I woke up late this morning and I think I'm still stuck in my morning EF. I feel nauseous and my throat feels closed off on and off which makes the nausea feel worse. I am feeling hopeless about healing. Despite yesterday's connections with parts, I don't know what I'm doing with the whole IFS thing. I watched a video about legacy burdens last night and it made me feel hopeless instead of hopeful. The person talking said there is always more to heal from as you do this work. I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I know so little about IFS and how to do it, and it seems like there is so much to learn and it will take forever. The part of me that is feeling so fearful right now and that is always there when I wake in the mornings, I want to help that part now. But it feels so far away to be able to do so. It is fiercely protected by protectors.

I feel sick and scared, and my body is shaky because of the fear. I can't seem to properly access the fear, so it never resolves.

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
Sending you a supportive hug 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry, Owl.

There's quite a lot to IFS, and taken all at once it can be overwhelming. I found that some bits resonated with me, other bits didn't, and I just concentrated on the bits that resonated. You don't have to do everything at once. I found it best to take baby steps.

It might not seem like it, but you've already taken the first couple of steps. You're aware of parts, and you've started communicating with them. This is progress.

Sending you a hug of support.

[marta1234]

Hey owl, I just wanted to send you a lot of support and a big hug . You are so courageous for working with your parts, and letting some of it in. I'm so sorry it's affecting you this much and wish I could sit with you at the Porch, with some candles and on a rocking chair, and do whatever brings you the most comfort.
I've been reading every entry of yours, and the progress, even small, are all accomplishments. I'm praying for you through this difficult time and sending you lots of love