Owl's journal

[owl25]

"Many therapists see Cptsd as an attachment disorder. This means that as a child the survivor grew up without a safe adult to healthily bond with. As bears repeating, Cptsd almost always has emotional neglect at its core. A key outcome of this is that the child has no one in his formative years who models the relational skills that are necessary to create intimacy.
    When the developmental need to practice healthy relating with a caretaker is unmet, survivors typically struggle to find and maintain healthy supportive relationships in their adult lives."  (p 50.) (bolded by me)

"The Origin of Social Anxiety
A child who grows up with no reliable human source of love, support and protection typically falls into a great deal of social unease. He "naturally" become reluctant to seek support from anyone, and he is forced to adopt self-sufficiency as a survival strategy.
     Needing anything from others can feel especially dangerous. The survivor's innate capacity to experience comfort and support in relationships becomes very limited or non-existent. This despite the fact that many high functioning survivors learn to socially function quite adequately." (p 50.) (bolded by me)

[owl25]

The time machine fantasy

Pete Walker talks about the time machine rescue operation on page 62 of his complex PTSD book.

This is really interesting as I have had a fantasy of travelling back in time to rescue myself. To see it in print in his book is really interesting.

I also remember as a child, maybe from age 8 - 10, I used to look for myself. I hoped that maybe my adult self would come from the future to rescue me. That there would be some kind of time machine that would allow grown up me to come for me.

If there were a time machine today, I would go back and help me, and stop all the bad things from happening.

[rainydiary]

I recently read the time machine concept in his book and found the idea intriguing.  What has your experience been using it or how do you see yourself using it? 

[buddy9832]

"Many therapists see Cptsd as an attachment disorder. This means that as a child the survivor grew up without a safe adult to healthily bond with. As bears repeating, Cptsd almost always has emotional neglect at its core. A key outcome of this is that the child has no one in his formative years who models the relational skills that are necessary to create intimacy.
    When the developmental need to practice healthy relating with a caretaker is unmet, survivors typically struggle to find and maintain healthy supportive relationships in their adult lives."  (p 50.) (bolded by me)

"The Origin of Social Anxiety
A child who grows up with no reliable human source of love, support and protection typically falls into a great deal of social unease. He "naturally" become reluctant to seek support from anyone, and he is forced to adopt self-sufficiency as a survival strategy.
     Needing anything from others can feel especially dangerous. The survivor's innate capacity to experience comfort and support in relationships becomes very limited or non-existent. This despite the fact that many high functioning survivors learn to socially function quite adequately." (p 50.) (bolded by me)

Wow... this really resonated with me.

[marta1234]

I wanted to come by and send you a big hug of support for the progress that you're making, owl.  Thank you for sharing the excerpts from Pete Walker's book, some of them I haven't read. They really resonate with me.
I wanted to add, if it's ok, to what rainydiary asked, and that I've also experienced many times the "time machine". I've written letters to my future self and have also imagined rescuing me from a traumatic experience.

Sending you lots of support and hugs

[owl25]

Hi buddy, I know, right!? It does kind of blow you away.

marta, thank you for the support and hugs  I'm glad the excerpts are helping you too. I hadn't thought of writing letters to future me, but that is a good way of expressing what help and support you need.

rainydiary and marta,  I just thought it was so interesting that I had my own time machine thoughts and then there Pete Walker was talking about what he calls the time machine rescue operation! I'll try to explain what I do and hopefully it makes sense.

What I'll do is I'll sometimes think about the past and connect a bit with the part of me that holds all the unprocessed feelings of how it felt to be in that situation (whatever situation I am thinking of). I have told myself that if I could, if there were a time machine, I would go back for me and rescue me. I picture what I would do if I could. I envision my adult self showing up in the past where my younger self still is and envision comforting younger me. I visualize me at that age and me now, both in the past and together. I visualize giving myself the care, love and comfort that I so badly needed at the time. I sometimes try to visualize bringing that part back with me, to the here and now, but that hasn't fit yet, and I think I'm not ready for that yet. So that's okay, I stay and keep that part company for a little while. Sometimes that part of me doesn't want me to leave (like when I have to get back to my responsibilities in my day here), so then I tell it it can keep me company while I do things, it doesn't have to go away again and be alone in the past. In a strange way what I end up doing is comforting myself, and keeping myself company.

This is a bit different from what Pete Walker does, where he shows his younger self how he's going to confront his parents, send them to bed without dessert (this made me laugh), call CPS, make them take parenting classes, etc.  I think what works is whatever your hurt self needs from you. I seem to kind of instinctively know what I need, and sometimes I try something and it doesn't feel right so I don't say or do it inside myself. So far I have not involved other people from back then at all, it's been just me. I think because right now that feels safest.

[owl25]

From Chapter 5, What If I Was Never Hit

"Denial about the traumatic effects of childhood abandonment can seriously hamper your ability to recover. In childhood, ongoing emotional neglect typically creates overwhelming feelings of fear, shame and emptiness. As an adult survivor, you may continuously flashback into this abandonment melange. Recovering depends on realizing that fear, shame and depression are the lingering effects of a loveless childhood. Without such understanding, your crucial, unmet needs for comforting human connection can strand you in a great deal of unnecessary suffering." (p 89.)

[owl25]

The Evolutionary Basis of Attachment Needs, p96-98
It is too much to quote, but yes to everything, he describes exactly my experience. From an evolutionary perspective, we are hardwired as infants to fear separation from an adult, because it literally could mean death because of predators. Separation from an adult, if it goes on too long, will be experienced as abandonment, and so we cry to get the parent's attention. When emotionally neglected, the attention never comes, and this is terrifying and leads us to over time develop feeling unwanted and unloved, unimportant and terrified. This evolves into trying to read cues, trying to be perfect, starting to see the pattern that asking for attention elicits rejection from a parent. We become hypervigilant to what can go wrong, and catastrophize everything. Over time we learn to not ask at all, and we learn to ask no one. We learn people are dangerous, and this turns into social anxiety or phobia.

[owl25]

"In adult life, all 4F types are commonly ambivalent about real intimacy. This is because closeness often triggers us into painful emotional flashbacks. It reminds us of how we had to survive without comforting connection in childhood. Our 4F defences therefore offer protection against further re-abandonment by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that leads to deeper bonding." (p 108).

I can see how this applies to me, but to both my parents as well.

[owl25]

Feeling somewhat hopeless today. A very strong and powerful part of me does not want to move forward. I understand it's protective, but it overtakes me completely and I can't fight it. There is so much anger towards those who were supposed to protect me and care for me, those who were supposed to help me, and towards myself for not being able to fix how I feel. I had a terrible childhood. Terrible in the sense of absolute terror and loneliness, and having to shove those feelings aside to get by. Feelings were not talked about. Feelings were shameful. Anger from me was shut down and not accepted. I was left to stew on my own and solve the problem by myself. I was shamed for crying as a young child. My father was a bully and I remember being afraid of him when I was older when I messed up something he had given me special instructions not to mess up. There was no warmth or loving touch in my home. I grew up in a cold, emotionless, shaming and critical environment, without any emotional support, or ever any repairs made by my parents if I was hurt or angry because of them. My father was a real jerk, and couldn't care less about my feelings. I was supposed to give him what he needed from me instead, and when of course I didn't meet his unspoken expectations, there was * to pay.

I have a pattern of getting really really angry with others, but also unable to tell them I am angry. I will rage and be furious, but not a word to the offender. Expressing anger is too scary. I can't be open and honest about the hurt I feel. Anger is not safe to show.

I am stuck, I am stuck in the same place I have been stuck in for the past several years. I have doubts about therapy, and if it can ever really work for me. I'm in a funk and a mood and just want to hide away from the world and any responsibilities I have. I have no trust in others or myself to help me heal. People have failed me from the very start, and I fail myself. If I can't even help myself, how is anything ever supposed to get better?

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're feeling hopeless Owl.

It can be very unpleasant, but I think resistance and anger is part of the healing journey. Its okay to be angry sometimes. It is a good response to being mistreated. I dealt with overpowering anger for a long time. After a while I started taking a mood stabilizer and sedatives to help with it, so maybe that's something you can look in to if you think its dangerous or destructive.

Therapy is good, but only a part of the solution, not the entirety of it. I know a lot some of us are resistant to traditional therapy. I've found this forum better than any therapist I've seen.

Hang in there!

[marta1234]

Owl, you are not alone in this. I am so sorry for what you're going through right now, and, hopefully not stepping out of line, for your life with trauma. I hope you understand what I mean.
I have yet to feel the unimaginable anger and fear that your parts are feeling, but it'll probably come to me. Just know, that it's ok, and you're here. You are no longer there; where expressing anger was forbidden and only brings you fear. I wish I could take all of your parts that are angry and scared, and give each of them their favorite blanket and comfort.

Remember, you're not alone and you are strong. But taking a break from healing is also ok. And needed a lot of times. Hope you feel better

[owl25]

I feel dizzy and I feel sick. My head is spinning. Maybe because one part of me sees a possible next step forward and another part of me doesn't want for me to do that. The other part of me doesn't want to engage with me, doesn't want things to change, doesn't want to stop freezing and blocking on life. It especially doesn't want to have a conversation with me where I might shift things, and pushes me away. I feel nauseous. Feeling stuck.

[owl25]

Somehow this part shared with me how scared it is of things changing. I didn't know how frightened I am of trying to make things better. What if I can't make them better? What if the new therapy I started doesn't work for me, then what? I would be devastated. This part was showing me how it couldn't cope if I got let down again.

I don't like this separate-ness within myself. I don't like that I live half the time in one headspace, where everything seems neutral and fine, and another part of me is living with pain, fear, and anger that I am completely disconnected from. I don't like being separate. How can I have such fear within myself of no help being possible for me, and not know I feel that way? How can I not know myself? This really bothers me.

I don't like being separate and I don't want to stay separate. I am worried but I don't know why. I struggle to access Self. Maybe I'm worried I'll never have enough access to Self to every really get anywhere. Maybe I'm frustrated that I can't do connect more with it than I have been, and worried it won't improve.

[owl25]

Thanks Jazzy and marta for your earlier posts.