Owl's journal

[buddy9832]

I'm sorry owl. We are all here for you!

[owl25]

Thank you buddy 

Everything just feels pointless. I feel like no one can help me. It doesn't feel like there's any point in even talking to anyone about what I'm going through.

[marta1234]

Sending you so much support Owl. We're here for you, and we listen. What you say does matter, and I'm sorry it does not feel so.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry Owl. Here for you. Sending you a gentle hug of support.

[owl25]

I slept for a while. I feel even worse now. I read the words of support but feel disconnected from them. I feel completely alone in trying to deal with things. I have no energy. I'm just sad and in pain and nothing feels like it can change. What's the point of my life after all that happened and went wrong? I met with a grief counsellor a couple of weeks ago and will meet again next week, but again it seems pointless... I was given a pamphlet and some things to try and work on but it feels futile. Things like going for a walk or journaling or making a gratitude list. None of that feels like it will address the root of the problem. I was able to do that at first, but then I got overwhelmed with the pain and haven't gone back to it.

What if I'm just not trying hard enough? What if part of me is sabotaging feeling better even though I don't really think that's the case?

[marta1234]

 I'm here for you Owl. All I can say is that I've had the same thoughts, and probably will have even worse further down the road.
I don't know. I don't know why this is all worth it. But for me, I feel this thing inside me. As if, even when I was neglected compassion and support when I most needed it, there's still something more. Life outside of people.
I don't know if this helps. I'm sorry if it doesn't. I just want to held my hand out, and if you want to grab on it's there. I'm with you Owl, on every step of the way. And I know it's hard. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Here's a gentle hug if it's ok

[alliematt]

What if I'm just not trying hard enough? What if part of me is sabotaging feeling better even though I don't really think that's the case?

I don't think you'd be here if you weren't "trying hard enough".  I hope a gentle hug is okay.

[owl25]

Thank you marta and alliematt for the hugs. Those are always okay. 

I unintentionally disappeared here for a little while. Some very difficult things happened that required my full attention. It's pulled me out of the stuck trauma headspace for now. The focus has very much been on dealing with what's been going on head on. It's been exhausting and also frightening at times because of trauma triggers. Even though it's been extremely hard dealing with things, I guess it's been a good thing in pulling my out of the place I was in that was paralyzing me. I am working hard to look after my family, and also myself, in response to the things that have happened.

I have been trying to take better care of myself. I started going for a run in the mornings, but then I had an injury. I've got a lot of permanent tension in my body, so started some massage therapy. My trauma therapy is on hold because of all my focus being elsewhere. I just started looking for someone new again and have started interviewing online therapists again. It is not easy finding someone who feels like they truly have the expertise. One person seems just right but she's got a waiting list. I'm waiting to connect with another expert and hopefully will connect with them today. I also have found someone who may partially be able to help while I am on the waiting list, but won't make that decision until I find out more about the second expert.

I am exhausted. Life threw another curve ball at me. It's been good to be functioning, but it's been hard getting triggered and dealing with huge anxiety and fear in response. I feel like I am dealing with a lot of demands, almost more than I feel is manageable for one person. I'm a bit worried that if there's a (perceived) set back that I'll collapse and stop being able to function, and not be able to look after my family the way that I need to right now.

[marta1234]

  Sending you a gentle and long lasting hug Owl for all the hard work that you've needed to pull. Sending my best wishes that you'll be okay
Very much missed reading your entries, thank you for updating us.

[buddy9832]

Hi owl, agreed thank you for updating us. I'm happy to hear that you were able to get out of your head however it's disappointing that is the result of issues you are dealing with.

I hope you will be able to heal and continue to take care of your family.

You were certainly missed.

[sanmagic7]

 

[owl25]

Thank you for your kind words and caring, marta, buddy, and sanmagic. I am finding myself surprised I have been missed. I'm not used to mattering or making a difference. I guess that comes from not having connections with other people. But it is nice to hear, so thank you I've missed you all too. 

I'm feeling a bit confused right now. I am finding myself doing things I couldn't for the longest time. I've gotten yanked out of that place of paralysis, and.. now I am wondering about therapy. It's like a lot of what I was struggling with in a way has vanished. Not everything. But the worst of the symptoms (paralysis in daily functioning) have gone away. It's happened before in a crisis when I needed to deal with what was happening. I have been trying to do more self care, and in the last couple of days even reached out to some people to try and build up some friendships. I'm doing things to promote sleep (not enough, but I've made a good start). So do I need therapy? Do I need to delve into things or do I leave them alone? I know that likely things have gotten "turned off" for now, so I can focus on what must be done right now for my family. Trauma doesn't magically disappear. But it feels like the worst that I was experiencing has gone away, because my focus is elsewhere. Maybe I was too internally focused? I really was struggling to break out of that place. I know how bad I felt and how much I was struggling. How can that suddenly be gone?

I struggle with these constantly shifting perspectives. Things happen and they feel catastrophic. Some of what happened was catastrophic. But I do know that some things were quite triggering and made everything feel that much worse. I struggle to stay level headed and calm. In my mind my world is ending when I get triggered and I feel lost and hopeless about the future. Today I feel optimistic and like everything will be okay. It feels like it's night and day change in perspective, all the time. It's exhausting and confusing.

I feel like I am spending a lot of my time in a state of confusion because how I feel from one day to the next always seems to be the opposite.

So, since I'm confused, I'm going to go ahead with some more therapy, and see what happens. I wish I had a clearer mind about it. I don't know if it's the right thing or the wrong thing. Maybe I've spent too much time focused on myself. Maybe I just need to get out of my head. But part of me thinks, there has been some serious pain and suffering that certainly didn't come out of nowhere.

Confusion abound. All I know is that I am confused. That's the only thing that seems clear.

[marta1234]

  for your thoughts and self reflection. I know it can be hard to do self care and listen to your feelings, so wanted to show my support for that.
I feel like if you ever need to take a break from therapy, then that's ok and sometimes (from what I've heard) it's better to let your parts rest from trauma processing and being overwhelmed constantly. In any case, I wish you luck for continuing therapy. 

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
I have also been away from the forum for a while.  I had only briefly connected with you before I left, but I can see from what you've written most recently that you're reflecting on a lot of things.

Hoping that the therapy you have decided to embark on will be helpful, and wishing you the best with continuing it.  Also wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[owl25]

Thanks marta  and Hope, I appreciate your support 

Things feel like they are settling down. The fear and worry is no longer front and centre. Things are getting better, and I am continuing to look after myself and my family. I still had some moments of feeling dejected and like what happened recently will never get better, but it seems to be. I am sure challenges will still lie ahead but they don't feel insurmountable anymore.

I met with the new T online, and part of me felt relief. Another part of me isn't quite sure about the new person, there were a couple of things that made me wonder a little if this person is right for me. But, for now trying to keep an open mind. I think I now know too what I need in terms of therapy. I don't want to be without support, and I also don't want to go full steam ahead like I have in the past. So really what that means is I just need to take it slow. That feels like it fits for all parts of me. So it's nice to have the confusion cleared up.

I would like to maintain some of my momentum with the changes I've made in caring for self and family. I've started to talk more to some people who could potentially be friends. I feel like I'm ready to start pursuing a fuller life.

I haven't had much time to be around here, and to read and offer more support. Hopefully I'll be able to do so more soon.