Owl's journal

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're doing just what you need to do, owl.    love and hugs

[owl25]

Sliding backwards again. Lost the progress I made on self-care. I'm just too overwhelmed to do those things. Carrying too much pain that I can't seem to process.

[rainydiary]

Sliding backwards again. Lost the progress I made on self-care. I'm just too overwhelmed to do those things. Carrying too much pain that I can't seem to process.

Thank you for sharing this Owl.  I can relate to that feeling self-care and it is helpful to me to hear others like you share.  I hope you find some ease. 

[marta1234]

  sending love and support owl. I'm sorry you feel like you're going backwards, but it's ok. Hope you feel some comfort afterwards. 

[owl25]

Thanks rainy and marta. I'm sorry I haven't been around more and to return the support. It's been a struggle.

I got massively triggered yesterday. The trigger is feeling like I have done something wrong. The massive, overwhelming pain and shame this causes is just really hard to believe. The shame is soul crushing, like being crushed by an avalanche. The pain just rips me to pieces. This is why I have always been afraid to be seen. Why I have always been afraid to put myself out there. There is such fear of doing something wrong, because the onslaught of shame and pain is more than I can bear and I don't know how I can possibly survive it. How can this be how bad and how awful I felt as a small child? How could things really, truly have been that bad back then?

I don't want to ever experience this again. But I know it will happen again. I don't know how to heal this. I don't know how I go about healing the deep shame and pain within me for existing. For existing and making mistakes, for existing and asking for things and then not getting them. The pain of it is too much. I don't know how I resolve it, because it's not linked to a specific incident, it's just awful, awful feelings out of nowhere, nothing to tie them to.

[Snookiebookie2]

Owl,

So sorry to read about how you feel.  But I can understand and relate.   

I hope you won't mind me sending you a big hug.   

Remember you're supported and understood here x 

[owl25]

Thank you for the hugs and support, snookiebookie2, much appreciated.

I am doing better today. The mistake I made actually brought movement in a situation that felt like it was at a halt, so something positive came from it. The shame has reduced. I also  have finally been able to connect with a real trauma counsellor. I finally feel like I am talking to someone who is knowledgeable. It feels like a breath of fresh air. It's early days yet, but I feel like I am finally not speaking with a general practitioner of sorts, but someone who really knows what this stuff is about. I feel hope now. I am not on my own anymore in trying to navigate this trauma. I've been in survival mode since last December, and now I can finally switch to working through the trauma instead.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you've found someone who is trauma-knowledgable to talk with - i've found it makes all the difference!  i hope you can make some progress.  it is astounding to me, too, how much pain and hurt we endured and survived through our lives.  it's all real, i do know that now.  all of it, and it was definitely as bad as you remember, whether in general or specific incidents.  they've all taken a terrible toll on us.  love and hugs, owl.

[Snowdrop]

That's great news, Owl.

[Not Alone]

Glad you found a therapist who understands trauma.

[owl25]

It's not working out with the new therapist. I don't think this person can give me what I need. It makes me feel really defective that after all these people I've tried, no one has been right for me. How can it be this hard?

I am struggling. I don't know how to make inroads and how to move forward. I am stuck in this place of trauma, and I have mental blocks to doing anything that needs to be done. Daily living is impacted. I can barely get myself to do anything other than hibernate in my room.

[Not Alone]

Owl, I'm so sorry that it isn't working with this therapist. I think it can be a challenge to find a therapist who not only understands trauma, but with whom you have a connection.

[owl25]

Thanks notalone. It's very discouraging.

I am feeling really lonely.  I don't feel like I have any supports right now. Last session caused a quite a dent in my trust with new T, and I feel like I won't be able to be open with her now. I have no one in my life who gets any of what I am going through. I go to therapist after therapist, and no one gets it.

I have no one I feel I can open up to about things. They wouldn't understand. I need real life people who understand. I don't know how to come out of this isolation I am in. I am horribly lonely and I don't know how to get out of this situation, this lack of social support. People have their own problems. No one is going to really care all that much about what I'm dealing with.

I really am alone with all of this. There isn't a single person I can think of that I could call right now. Not one. I am completely alone.

[marta1234]

Owl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have much advice because I feel like that half of the time, and even when I do have someone who takes care of me, I'm always afraid that they will suddenly disappear afterwards. All I know what to say is we're here for you, and I'm sending you much love and support with hugs  . I feel like this is a fear that most of us have. For me on my bad days this fear comes along and I'm scared I'll be alone forever. I don't know if this helps.
I also wanted to add that I'm sorry the therapists that you've seen aren't working out. I know the hopelessness of not finding a good one. I hope you feel a bit better in the next days. 

[Snowdrop]

I was thinking of you, Owl, and wanted to send you a hug. I hope you're doing ok.