Owl's journal

[Pioneer]

I'm so glad that you met a new T who is helpful, Owl! It makes sense to me that you would be feeling tired as you begin a new chapter of healing and awareness of your mind. I know for me recently, when I started to progress with more healing, I felt tired, stressed, my muscles were tense and I've had raw sadness too. It is just so exhausting and stressful to actually be at a point of dealing with the trauma.
I deal with depression also. And it's hard for me to know how much of all that is the depression and how much just the stress and exhaustion of the process.
I think it seems like a good sign that you are so tired, Owl, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I hope you can take some extra rest and care for yourself. 

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,

Sending you a hug  and I am very happy to hear you've found a T that is trauma informed and with whom you are finding something helpful.  Thanks also for sharing the link to the talk by Tara Brach - I haven't listened to it yet, but I will hope to do so, it sounds very helpful.

I also appreciated what you wrote about your part.

Hope 

[marta1234]

Thinking about you Owl Sending you lots of support and love 

[owl25]

Thanks everyone for your support.  I am glad some of what I wrote is helpful! 

I have so much pain that is stuck inside of me that I don't want to face alone. This new T was supposed to be the right one, with decades of experience, and it went really south at my last session. I was already not in a good place, had no opportunity to bring that up at all, and then the session left me shell-shocked. I know I was hugely triggered. I kind of question her approach, some things that I would consider the basics when dealing with such a vulnerable population just weren't there. I interviewed several people before I settled on her, so now going back to one of them. I don't know how I am ever going to heal the pain because it is so deep and so raw. I know I am suppressing it, and it's because I have no support system to rely on. I hope, hope, hope this person can help me. I can't keep going like this and I know I can't heal or start to do better on my own.

[dollyvee]

Hope you are finding some comfort after your experience 

I had a bad therapist as well - one who I had to remind on several occasions that my dad committed suicide. To me, that's something a therapist shouldn't forget. I also had experiences with my current therapist where I was ready to throw in the towel, thinking that she didn't like me, or thought that I was over reacting with regards to my grandmother. However, I brought up what I was feeling (or explained how I interpreted what she said) and each time she showed me (authenically) that what I thought she meant wasn't what she intended at all. It turned out to be a really positive experience.

[Not Alone]

Owl, sorry to hear that you had a negative experience with new T.

[dollyvee]

Happy new year Owl - Hope you've managed to get some rest 

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,

I hope you are able to get some rest, and I would also like to wish you the best for the new year.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[owl25]

Thanks notalone, dollyvee and hope. I hope this new year will bring good change for everyone.

I'm struggling with the trauma. I feel like it is crushing the life out of me, to the point that part of me doesn't want to be around, that's how bad it feels. But I have no option but to keep going. I know I am avoiding a lot. The pain just feels too big and unbearable. The guilt I carry for choices I made in circumstances that were beyond my control is crushing me. I feel like I can't breathe, can't live, can't move. Just going through the motions, because what else can I do? Feel like I am living in a waking nightmare, unable to change the past and undo choices I made. I feel like I am being traumatized over and over again, every day when I wake up, and remember all the bad that happened that I was powerless to stop. Being traumatized is traumatizing, and I don't know how to stop it.

[Not Alone]

Owl, I'm sorry that you are suffering so much.

[dollyvee]

Sorry you're having such a difficult time Owl. I understand what you mean - it's like moving through the world where each event, person, reaction, sets off the past and EFs. Even though it's a fog now, you will make your way out of it with better understanding. Your parts are trying to do their best to protect you.

I picked up Jay Earley's book on the Inner Critic - not sure if you've read it but that might be helpful with the guilt. I found it helped me conceptualize the ways I'm hard on myself and see why the patterns might be there.

[Alter-eg0]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, Owl. I also recognise a lot of what you're saying. It sucks, to say the least.

I don't really have anything helpful to offer right now. Just "I feel ya".

Take care.

[owl25]

Thanks dollyvee. I will file that away for when I have the energy and the will to check out that book. I haven't finished with the first book yet. I have a bunch of unread books just sitting there.

Thanks Alter-eg0, I'm sorry you can relate. It does suck and it's exhausting. I'm tired of being in lockdown on top of it all. I feel so stagnated. The world is on hold and I want to be able to go out and do things again, it would be a reprieve from things.

[dollyvee]

They're there for you when you're ready for them. None of this is easy so you're doing well making it through, whatever that may look like.

The Inner Critic book popped into my mind when you mentioned guilt. I found it to outline the negative thinking patterns I have and what might be activating them and there's also the reminder in there that it's just a part - not who you are as person. Even though that part may be acting in a certain way right now, it's learned to do that to protect you and can be transformed too.

[owl25]

Thanks dollyvee, I wouldn't have thought to connect guilt to an inner critic. I do recognize that it's a part and a coping mechanism. It's unfortunately going to take time to work with all these parts, and that feels discouraging. Feeling overwhelmed by how much there is that needs to be worked with.