Owl's journal

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate you sharing this as it resonates with me.  I hope that you find some ease soon. 

Something I am reflecting on - I feel the same way about my interactions with others and often feel like I should just go live by myself somewhere.  The interactions that make me feel this way are with people that tend to trigger me and who I tend to have negative experiences with for a variety of reasons.

Then there are interactions I have here on this forum, with my students, with my support people, and with people I tend to have positive experiences with for a variety of reasons. 

I definitely spend more time thinking about the interactions that don't work versus the ones that do.  I'm not sure I know how or if it would help me to spend time thinking about the things that work.

I hope this wasn't too much to share on your post.  I appreciate you sharing your experience.

[Armee]

 

It's ok, Owl. It's ok to not know how and to not know how to figure it out. It'll come. Too slowly of course. And it isn't fair - this too! -- but you will get there.

I feel your anger and frustration that another layer of damage has surfaced and it's right to feel angry. You shouldn't have to work so hard on things that seem to come naturally to others. It isn't fair and it is hard work and it takes it all out of us.

[sanmagic7]

 

honestly, too slow it sometimes seems, but i have faith you'll get to where you need to be.  i can't remember the number of times i haven't known which step to take next, or not take any at all for a bit.  it will work out.  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

Owl,

You are valuable to me and I've learned a lot from you. 

[owl25]

Thanks rainy. I know it's not always us, and that in some situations the problem is other people. Right now I am struggling with what seems to be a big  issue with myself and not others.

Thanks armee, you expressed a lot of what I am feeling.

san I hope it will work out. Feeling pretty hopeless right now.

BeeKeeper thank you.

--

I'm really struggling today. This has been a big setback for me and I am feeling depressed. No energy or motivation for anything. My body aches from tension. I just want to hide. I just can't with anything right now. My counsellor is gone this coming week too, but even if she were here, I don't think I would want to even talk to her about what's going on for me.

[Armee]

Please do find some time to hide, as much as you can! You deserve a bit of what you need, Owl. I'm sorry it is so hard right now and feels so bad. It will pass.  These moods and emotional flashbacks don't last forever. You'll get through this. For now, it's telling you something.

[sanmagic7]

oh my heart, i could've written what you wrote about not wanting to talk to anybody.  so many times.  i've shared your feelings of hopelessness as well.  it's a distressing place to be stuck.  as someone wise on this forum once wrote to me, 'this, too, shall pass'.  i know it might not seem like it now, but eventually.  just hang tough for now as you work your way through, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with strength.

[owl25]

Armee, I pretty much am. Spending the day in bed. No one in the outside world would know, as I just don't have connections with people.

san, I guess it will pass, but I feel like something has shifted inside me, and it doesn't feel like a good shift. I feel like I've lost my optimism about moving forward.

--
I have a migraine now, and I know it's from being so upset. I rarely interact with others these days. I don't have the energy to invest in relationships with others. I never really did, looking back I can see that there were a lot of EFs and my go to behaviour is to withdraw when hurting. I realize I just don't have the space for others because I'm just drowning in my own stuff. I have made half hearted attempts in the past to be social, but it just takes too much out of me. Right now I don't want to be around others, and I don't even want to try. It would be wasted energy. Another part of me is concerned about this and that I'll lose what social skills I have.

I feel like there is no one on this planet who can understand me or my experience. There is only me. I don't think my counsellor always gets me either. I struggle to explain my experience sometimes. I feel broken and too flawed to be wanted by people. I feel like I just make others uncomfortable.

[Blueberry]

 

[rainydiary]

Owl, I am thinking of you as you navigate these feelings and thoughts.   

[sanmagic7]

well, owl, you don't make me feel uncomfortable.  i share a lot of the thoughts and feelings you write about.  i used to cultivate people to be in my life, now i'm down to 3, and sometimes i don't even feel like talking to them, like i'm too consistently flawed and nothing positive is going to come out of my mouth anymore.  i've only struggled with this the past year or so, when my stress levels had gotten so out of whack.

meanwhile, you are valuable to me and to this forum.  i just don't want this beast to win!  not over anyone.  sending you love and a hug filled with a bouquet of multi-colored zinnias and white asters to hopefully bring a little sunshine to your heart.   

[Armee]

Owl. 

These feelings are so painful. Especially feeling so alone and different. Feeling different and isolation are symptoms of trauma. But it's ok to give in to them right now. It might just be what you need right now. Take cover and nurture yourself till you feel a little stronger.

[owl25]

Blueberry and  rainy 

san, it makes sense to me that you've struggled with this given the stress levels. I think stress takes so much out of us, there's no room left for other things, including relationships. Thank you for your care 

Armee thank you 

--

I've been sleeping a lot the past couple of days. I'm kind of bowled over by how exhausted I feel still today. This hasn't been part of my normal in a while, so I can see the contrast and how absolutely exhausting this state of being is. No wonder I could never accomplish much in the past, and yet I would  be upset with myself for it. I have learned though that energy levels will vary, and when they return, I'll be able to do more again. I am a little frustrated today that my weekend went to waste, but at the same time I know that I needed to just take care of myself and give in.

I struggle with how much there still is for me to work through. There is so much left that needs healing. I'm feeling discouraged by this, I want to move on with my life already. Part of me does not want this to be a life long thing and is worried about this. I feel like so much time has been lost to the pain and just surviving already. I don't want to lose more.

Part of me feels like I hit another layer these past few days that I wasn't really aware of before. It's felt like a set back given the way it took me down. But stepping back, I kind of see it as part of the path. A very painful part. Parts feel hopeless about it. Another part figures with time it may get better, but the hopeless parts don't believe it one bit. They think nothing can ever change, because history has shown this. These parts have been blended the most with me.

How do I know when a social situation doesn't go well, if it's because of me making a mistake, or it's because of other people and their own stuff? I have lost the little confidence I had gained right now.

I don't think I can work on how I relate to other people until I have worked on myself more. I need to work with the various parts of me and get those parts of me integrated. Only then will I have the proper space and resources to then open up to others. The trouble is this may take quite some time, maybe at least a couple of years. I hope not longer than that.

I am so, so tired.

[woodsgnome]

Reading your entries of late has felt sadly familiar to me -- those jags into loneliness and despair reflect my most discouraging times. And sometimes they only seem to get worse.

My Icr would gladly point out that I consciously chose a very lonely path many years ago, even to the point of living in an isolated region. A few years ago I at least had a couple friends; now there are only a couple and those come with other factors that don't bring us as close as I'd like. So the despair sets in and at times feels like it will never leave.

In some respects I feel I've improved, but my doubts reset and I wonder if I'm just fooling myself. But I didn't start writing this to moan about my sorry state -- I want so much just to offer you a friendly hug (if you're alright with those) and a hope that your outlook can turn you back towards accepting more of the wonderful character that we all see in your sharings here. It's good to see that at least you're trying to focus more on self-care.

I think I mentioned a hug ... here it is:

                         

[sanmagic7]

hey, owl, i, too, have struggled with the thought that this is going to be neverending, like i will literally never reach the end.  realistically, i believe i'm too old to unpack everything that's gone on in my life.  processing one thing reveals another and another.  my T tells me otherwise, and that helps keep me going thru it all.  i hope you can find your way to the light at the end of this tunnel.   we really don't want this beast to win, do we!  but, it can be heartbreaking, mind-messing, and emotionally draining on the way.  we're here with you, you're not alone.  love and hugs, owl.