Owl's journal

[owl25]

dollyvee, it may seem like a big realization, but it's one I've known about for a little while. It feels like old news, and it's not something I've been able or even tried to shift. I'm just aware of it. What you say about fear parts showing deep things about ourselves, I hadn't thought of it that way, but that does feel true. Thank you for sharing the talk, parts are restless and I may not be able to watch it, but will keep it in mind.

Armee, thank you for your perspective, it puts a different spin on things for me. It's strange, on the one hand I feel a lot of pain, but on the other, it's like it's not significant. Like it's only 1% of what real pain might feel like. So I feel like I'm feeling it and not feeling it at the same time. Thank you for your hug 

san, I hope I can find my way. It feels like I haven't yet after all these years. It all feels kind of aimless, but I am looking after myself. Thank you for being there beside me 

---

Today I felt very depressed when I woke up. I decided to work from home instead of going in, it just felt like too much otherwise. I've been thinking this time of year is in the lead up to my loss, so maybe this has me feeling bad. I also wonder since I've decided I don't really want to push myself to do more IFS, if this has freed up space for other feelings.

My IFS sessions are online, and I really wish I could see my counsellor in person. Unfortunately she's not local and I'll never be able to see her in person. I think I am keeping my guard up a bit because it's online. It doesn't feel as secure or as private as meeting someone in person in an office, I just can't shake that it's technology and by definition never 100% secure.

I'm still on the wait list for EMDR and still go back and forth on it if I want/need to do EMDR. I have noticed I have become more open to it than I was before, and maybe a bit more ready to try it and see what it can do for me. It's been a year since I got on the list, hopefully I'll hear something soon.

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate you sharing about your day.  I hope that you find moments of rest as you navigate these days.

[dollyvee]

Hi Owl,

I get that - it took me 10 years before I could take it on board what my T was saying about my mom being a narcissist. It was like it couldn't even register it and then after I started dating a narcissist, it came back to me that maybe it was something I should look into.

Hope you're finding some space to navigate through things.

dolly

[owl25]

Thank you rainy and dolly 

--

I am very tired tonight. I had a big dip in mood over the weekend. I tried to do some IFS on my own from a different perspective. It didn't go very well, I didn't have enough Self and parts of me got very, very upset. I have been thinking a lot since, trying to figure out how to do this. There is a lot of internal feedback and there is just so much information, I feel I can't possibly process it all and make things a bit more coherent for myself.

One thing is clear and that's that a part of me is very angry with me and won't really unblend. So many reasons and so much unprocessed stuff is held inside me. I don't know how I'll ever work through it all.

[rainydiary]

Owl, I am in a similar place today and send you whatever would feel supportive in this moment. 

[Armee]

Hi Owl. I'm wondering how you and parts are doing now? I'm sorry IFS has been difficult lately and I hope the angry part and Self can communicate.

[dollyvee]

Hi Owl,

I hope things are better for you. I don't know if I'm out of line saying this, but your post reminds me of before when you first started seeing your IFS therapist. That there was a lot of overwhelm then too but you were able to connect to your parts and felt much better. Maybe this new information is only a little regression (going back to those old feelings) and that there is a part of you that is more than capable of handling it?

It also jumps out at me the idea of urgency that's there about having to work through it all. Surely this is your life and you are building a better connection to your parts, so why do your parts want you to be something/someone else? You are where you need to be as the old saying goes.

Sending you support for what you're going through and hope you've found some ease 

dolly

[sanmagic7]

my dear owl, i just hate being overwhelmed, and so very sorry you're going thru that right now.  when i've had this going on, i've found that slowing down helps, just breathing thru it, and taking it one step at a time.  i've also found writing to be helpful.  it's helped clarify things when i can see it in black and white. 

i wish i could give you a gentle hug instead of a virtual one.  but, virtual will have to do, and it's filled with love and a bunch of colorful zinnias and autumn grasses.  maybe your parts can focus on one of the colors each and just enjoy it for a minute, give you a little peace.

[Larry]

 
Hi Owl,  thinking of you

[owl25]

rainy, sorry you're in a similar spot, I hope things have improved, although I know you've got a lot of stress with visitors at the moment.

Armee, things are shifting around, parts are communicating but it's been organic without me trying to initiate dialog. Things are feeling better.

dolly, the urgency is there, because there's a lot of pain and it often feels intolerable. Parts want for the pain to go away, but with other parts blocking, that can't really happen.

san, thanks for the hug, it helps to express things and have them be heard. 

Larry, thanks for saying hi, nice to hear from you 

[Not Alone]

Thinking of you Owl.  I understand about feeling urgency because there is so much pain. I have found that I often need to slow down. Not easy. Something my T says that helps me, "You don't have to figure it all out right now (or today).

[dollyvee]

Thanks for clarifying that Owl. Sending you some support for going through it right now. I hope that it didn't come off as dismissive. I always find it helpful when my T tries to get me to get in touch with those parts that have done all the work so far.

All the best,
dolly

[Snowdrop]

 

[owl25]

Not Alone, definitely not easy. 

dollyvee, it did feel a bit dismissive to part of me at first, but I understand that was not your intent. Thank you for your support. 

Snowdrop, thanks for the hug.

----
I had another session today. It was intense. Parts were very blended and would not/could not make space for Self. It was a very painful session. Parts are very much resisting allowing Self to be around. Parts could not take in my therapist's presence either. This left all of me without any comfort. Today has been very draining. I have a part that blames me for all the pain that's there.

[rainydiary]

Owl, if it is helpful, I am holding space for all the feelings coming up.