Things I experienced in psych wards

[Panda]

*** TW emotional abuse, mentions of self harm, suicide attempt and sexual harrasment, incompetent medical care***

After waking up from another nightmare, I'd like to share some stories of abuse and neglect I experienced in the two psych wards I was in as a 16-17 year old. I was in there because at the time, I recieved a diagnosis of recurrent depressive disorder, was self harming and skipped a lot of school.

I have large gaps in my memories (I'm sure people here can relate) but I just gotta word vomit this stuff.

Apologies if this isn't in the right place.

One thing that looking back always sticks out to me that at least to me, it never seemed like the professionals made an attempt to cure or even accurately figure out what was wrong with me.
I took one IQ test (fun when you have the memory of a goldfish due to living in an actively abusive household) and one diagnostic test for depression that I lied on and selected what I thought were the less "depressed" options but still got diagnosed with a moderate depressive episode. And nothing else. Once, another patient and I did a test that was us balancing on some beam but I still have no clue what that was about.

In therapy, I was very obviously dissociating, there was very obviously something wrong with my memory, I was very obbviously extremely reluctant to go home on the weekends and there were a thousand other signs there was something wrong besides depression.


And then there was the actual abusive stuff.
The therapist that saw no problem telling a 16 year old child that no one likes being around depressed people so they need to get it under control.
Same therapist telling a suicidal 16 year old to smile at themself in the mirror to cure depression.
Same therapist telling me that the other patients were right when they gave me a badge for being a "fun killer" because "I never do anything". Wonder why that could be?
Same therapist who when I told him another patient was sexually harrassing me told me he would talk to him but never even tried to talk to me about it like my feelings didn't matter. This was also after having told him about getting sexually abused on my 16th birthday.
Same therapist that didn't even try to talk to me about it when my roommate of three months attempted suicide.


Another therapist (not mine, one we did group work with) publically humiliated me for thinking I might have schizophrenia. Because I was a 16 year old child only exposed to what the media at the time was saying, which was the age old confusion of schizophrenia and DID.
He could have talked to me in private, explained to me that these are two very different conditions and explained why people develop DID which probably would have been helpful for me to develope the language to talk about my trauma, but that's not what I'm really upset about.

It's that he just randomly brought that up in group therapy in front of everyone. Treating me like I was completely stupid instead of a misinformed child. Not even giving me a chance to learn or be heard about the fact that I had things other than depression going on.

And the nurses.

There was one male nurse who did night shifts who was like 6"6 and built like a fridge who used his physical presence to intimidate the patients. Nothing like having experienced physical abuse before and laying in bed desperate to fall asleep because the very large man had been "joking" that he might attempt to hurt you if you don't.
The man also found it hilarious to make fun of another patient (14 years old) for needing a night light because being in the dark made her hallucinations worse.

One female nurse I just didn't get along with for what I now know to be entirely superficial reasons (hey, I was 16...) until she decided to corner me in an empty room at me to yell at me what I was even thinking being so rude to her and why I couldn't be nice to her like a normal person.
I still think I wasn't rude, I just didn't talk to her unless I had to and then I was still polite. I pretty much stopped talking to all the nurses after that unless I really, really needed something.

Another nurse who was being super friendly with me, playing games with me when I hadn't made any friends yet and always asking me about how I was doing... giving me that positive attention I craved due to the situation at home... only for her to turn around and make fun about how "socially awkward" and "weird" I was with the other nurses.
FYI, I'm autistic. And also socially very inexperienced due to how things were going for me.

The nurse that thought it was appropriate to tell me repeatedly that if I wasn't at least going to try not to be depressed, because that's how depression works, I would be one of those "nut cases" that spent the rest of their lives locked up in psych wards.

And that's just the stuff that comes to mind right now. I find myself starting to dissociate and having trouble making words as well as using English.

I'm sorry for the word vomit, I just need someone to see this.

[Three Roses]

I am so, so very saddened to hear what you went through! How could those people treat you that way?? Truly horrendous. I'm so sorry you went through all that! 

[Panda]

Thank you, three roses, it's very nice just to know I am heard. And hearing that I apparently wasn't "just" being an overly sensitive child.

[Snowdrop]

What you experienced sounds awful, Panda. I feel angry reading about how you were treated. How could they do that?? You should have been properly listened to and treated with respect.

[Not Alone]

I am mortified by what you went through. It makes me angry that you treated so horribly.

[owl25]

None of that should have happened to you. These people were supposed to help you and provide you with the proper care. What awful treatment they gave you. I'm sorry you had to experience all of that.

[Panda]

Thank you snowdrop, notalone and owl25. You make me feel like it is okay to aknowledge this pain because it is real and reasonable.


I've never had this pain validated, the one time I tried to talk about my experiences at the psych wards I was in I was told to forgive because this was the early 2000s and people weren't educated plus that the nurses recieved no special training before being allowed to work on a psych ward for children.
I feel like none of the things the nurses did would require special training to have gone different, just human decency.

[Three Roses]

I feel like none of the things the nurses did would require special training to have gone different, just human decency.

I agree.

[owl25]

I agree as well. You don't need to forgive; that sounds like something other people say when they don't want to deal with your pain.

[Panda]

I remembered three other bad things and would just like to write them down somewhere people can see. I'm  looking to go back into inpatient treatment again and apparently not even the facts that this time I'm a) an adult b) wanting to go into specialized treatment and c) going there 100% voluntarily are keeping my brain from freaking out and bringing all of these memories out of their hiding places.



***TW Self harm, incompetent medical care***


So a few I think it was days after I arrived in the psych ward for the first time, I relapsed with my self harming behavior. I think I remember trying to reach out to the staff before I couldn't hold back anymore, but I'm not 100% sure so let's give them the benefit of the doubt.


I know I'd been missing my home and my usual routine very terrible and feeling incredibly unsafe as well as having flashbacks. My room mate had told me about a tool for self harming I could get to on... I think it was my first day. But I don't blame my room mate, we were all just kids coping as best as we could.


Anyway, the troubling thing for me is the staff reaction. There I was, feeling unsafe, dissociating (which of course no one noticed  ), tears still streaming down my face because I was like paralized from the waist up, sleeve pulled up and self injury very clearly visible.
I walked up to one of the nurses playing a game with some of the patients and tried to talk but I think I just like... managed one croaky sound.
But I was still standing there crying and bleeding and no one even looked at me. Like I think some of the patients looked at me and didn't know how to react (and I still feel bad, that wasn't very good of me to do but yeah, I was extremely out of it) but I was in view of at least one staff member because we were right in front of the nurse's room (like where the paperwork is done and everything, idk the English term).


And I felt like a ghost. I felt like I wasn't real. So I went back to my room, self harmed some more and waited until the shift changed to get my injuries cared for. And then I was berated for waiting until I got so bad and for being irresponsible.


-------


And then there was the time the station's doctor (who was also an educated psychiatrist so should've known better) made fun of me for self harming.


I had the top bunk and one night I was listening to some loud music on my CD player and like... doing a little dancing in my bed but I wasn't really aware of my surroundings so I gave myself a small cut on my back with the ceiling light. I went to get that patched up and he made fun of me saying that normal people self harm on their arms or their legs and that I just had to be the weirdo doing it on my back.
And I felt so deeply ashamed because I think I was trying to make a joke but at that point I had fought very, very hard not to self harm for 2 months.


-----


Also the time one of the nurses yelled at me because I had used a coping mechanism he wasn't okay with. I'd done the thing where I'd drawn all over my forarms in marker to "simulate self harm" which, by the way, is a skill that does absolutely nothing for me, and then I'd self harmed anyway because everything was super overwhelming.


Went to get my injuries cared for and instead of being happy that I was at least taking enough care of myself to get bandaged up, he yelled at me for using red marker and making it so hard to see the injuries.
I'm pretty sure he was extra generous on the disinfectant and extra careful to wrap the bandage tight, too.

[Three Roses]

I'm so very sorry to hear all this 💩 you've been through! Tbh makes me angry to hear how you've been mistreated. Here's a safe, gentle  if you want it.

[Not Alone]

Huge lack of kindness and sensitivity. 

[Marian82]

I am so sorry you went through that.

I know how you must feel, i think back in a similar way to my stays in psych wards. You arent oversensitive, you are absolutely right that this way of treating someone, especially someone as young and vulnerable as you were, is wrong. You saw it well and we see you. Sending good, supporting thoughts your way. 

[Persistant]

OMG Panda, that was horrific abuse you experienced, you were treated most inhumanely by cowardly bullies. I admire you for having got through it. The dissociation is a common trauma injury, I know it can be a real problem, you'll find your own ways to cope with it on your healing journey. This is a safe place where you come and share, don't worry if it seems like 'word vomit' to you, you won't be judged here.

Go well on your journey Panda, i'd like to hear anything else you wish to share and any updates. You got friends here 

[robincanada]

My brother said I was going to kidnap his kids last May and the police came and put me on a 48 hour hold.  They put me in a forensic ER pysch unit with 4 rooms.  No one was concious and there was a loud situation and I went to go look and there was this guy on meth preeening and flexing and talking to himself his hands all bloody.  All the staff was behind glass like we were in a zoo.  I calmed down the bloody guy and heard his history of horrific abuse and then in gloves nurses come out after I calmed him down for 30 minutes.  They were wearing gloves and I heard he had Hep C. 

Then I asked this nurse that talked to patients in a weird child voice like they were 3 years old what the *, how could you leave me and not tell me the guy had hep c and open wounds and he threated me with a needle.  That male nurse is probably a serial killer.  I stayed in a ball after that and 15 months later it still is making my CPTSD worse.