Confusion about dissociation and parts

[Panda]

I know no one here can give me a definitive answer, but I'd appreciate it if people have any advice, their own experiences to share or whatever else comes to mind.


So, I don't remember a time in my life where I didn't frequently dissociate so it's very hard for me to tell what's normal and what's not.


However, when I recall past trauma like in a post I did earlier, I find sometimes myself... it feels like slipping into the skin of my younger self. The same emotional state, craving doing things I did back then, craving music I listened to when I was that age, acting like I did then. Being confused about differences to my body (like being heavier, having shorter hair, no longer having my earings...)


And then some time passes and I calm down or I manage to ground myself and I'm back in the present, back in my own self.


Plus I find that I have like... not alters, that's not it. Just parts of me that don't feel like a whole being.
Like, my inner child is so pronounced I can feel myself slipping into their skin and having only the ability to understand what my 7,8 year old self would understand. Not being able to recall big words, for example.


And it's the same for other aspects, parts, whatever the terminology might be, of myself. It's like I shut a door and what's out front is me, but a different version of me.


I would just like to say this feels very different from normal adjustment for social reasons, like not swearing in front of elderly relatives or having to adjust to easier language when talking to kids for example. It literally feels like an entirely different part of me is wearing my skin and I'm (mostly) just able to watch until I get my body back.


Is that still a normal aspect of your garden variety of dissociation? Is it an entirely different thing? Is there a name for stuff like that?
I feel stumped in doing my own research. I don't want like, a diagnosis via internet, I just want to learn and understand what is going on with me.

[Snowdrop]

From what you've said, I think you might find it helpful to research Internal Family Systems (IFS). I've found it hugely beneficial as it's helped me to understand, help and heal my parts.

This video is part one of four, and it's a good place to start: https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M. I also found the book Internal Family Systems Therapy (second edition) by Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy of immense help.

[Three Roses]

Tbh this sounds a bit like what I heard someone saying about dissociative identity disorder. People having alters describe being co-conscious with them, like driving a car and suddenly they're in the backseat and someone else is "driving". The "driver" speaks, feels, and acts as though they are a different age.

I'm not saying you have DID, just that what you're describing sounds similar to other things I've heard. You're not alone 

[Panda]

Thank you two for your input, it's very appreciated!


snowdrop, I will definitely check the videos and the book out once my ability to focus gets better again in a day or two. I've had a brief glimpse and it seems helpful!


three roses, that's interesting to know as well, I didn't know DID could work that way. And thanks to the lovely people here, I feel way less alone. Feels like I just have to ask "Hey is this a thing?" and a bunch of people come out of the woodwork. Not that I'd not rather have all of us meeting on like, a knitting forum because we're okay, but it's so nice to know I'm not the only one that feels/copes a certain way. 

[Kizzie]

It's quite common for us to feel there are other parts of us, like we are not quite fully integrated or whole to a greater or lesser extent. When you think about it it's an understandable (and creative) way of protecting ourselves from the full impact of the trauma we experienced.

FWIW IMO both suggestions (DID and IFS) would be helpful for you to check into based on what you've recounted 

[woodsgnome]

Panda wrote: "...And it's the same for other aspects, parts, whatever the terminology might be, of myself. It's like I shut a door and what's out front is me, but a different version of me."

I had frequently noticed myself doing this -- sometimes in conversations when I'd 'be there' and appear to be present but wasn't taking in the other person's words, due to a trigger, perhaps, or just my general fear of people. But this could also happen just reading a book or something with troublesome content -- I'd get to the end of a paragraph or section and realize I didn't take in what was being said. My mind seems ever-vigilant even when no one else is physically present.

Once in therapy the T was talking when I spaced out while still being conscious -- I knew she was talking but didn't grasp the words. Realizing that I'd missed what she'd been saying, I started apologizing and she responded by saying that dissociation is very normal for trauma victims to experience. Since then I've at least been better able to notice when it happens.

It seems like this can happen in a variety of ways and, if other people are present, lots of times I've noticed that they don't seem aware that I was temporarily not fully in sync.

Although it can, I suspect, get out of hand, for me it seems that the big step is just recognizing this, usually only in retrospect, of course. Something else that used to happen for me is that the inner critic would have a field day with upping my guilt and anxiety level (again, usually not visible to others). Once I started recognizing it more -- especially after the therapy incident -- it seems I've at least accepted dissociation as a habitual pattern of my cptsd symptoms.

I wish you well with this, Panda