Real Sense of Threat

[Phoebes]

I wondered if this is a thing. With several instances in the news lately of a man actually murdering his wife, it brings to mind how a lack of awareness of the early signs of psychopathy can play out in relationships.

That said, I imagine a person who is resilient and overlooks the red flags, or maybe is attracted to a sense of familiarity with emotional abuse, is highly vulnerable to getting into these situations. I don't want to say only a man would kill his "love", because clearly women have done that too.

I was once in a relationship with an emotionally controlling man, and when I hinted at wanting to break up, he stalked me. I hung in there a couple more months until I was going to live at home for my summer job (we were in college), and I broke it off over the phone. He flew into a rage, and I was fortunate that he went the "angry at me so hooked up fast with someone else" route.

However, all of this brings to mind how fearful I was as a young child and into my teens that I felt like my Nm would possibly kill me in one of her rages. The look on her face, the anger and disgust, the lack of reality in the things she was saying, the accusations about me that weren't true, the rage and hatred.

She just could not handle not being in control of my every thought, movement, action, likes and dislikes. She would say "If I say the sky is green and the grass is blue, you better say 'yes ma'am' and hop to it!" As a teen when I came back with "why would I agree to a lie" I seriously thought she was going to kill me, and I wound up grounded for saying that.

My friends saw one of her mini-meltdowns and said she seemed psychotic. Finally someone saw. Anyway, I sometimes see in the news mothers who have killed their children. I wonder why therapists I've seen have immediately jumped to the conclusion "she would never do that". I confided in a friend once I l felt this way and she did the same thing (and she is also now a therapist.) I'm sure if any of these murdered children had told a teacher they thought their mother was capable of killing them they would have been invalidated immediately.

[Three Roses]

I'd like to respond, without giving a lot of unnecessary and possibly triggering details, that I know very well how quickly people can devolve into someone capable of murderous rage. I've seen this happen a number of times in my life where I was the target. It makes me very aware that those now around me are also capable of violence without warning. I think of it often, how easy it would be for someone to "take me out".

I'd like to validate you by saying that your mother was totally capable of harming you. You are, truly, a survivor.

[Phoebes]

Three, thank you for the validation. Your response makes me worried for you. Are you in a dangerous situation? Are you trying to get out?

[Not Alone]

My friends saw one of her mini-meltdowns and said she seemed psychotic. Finally someone saw.

I'm guessing that felt affirming for you.

The response, "she would never do that," is insensitive and dismissive.

[Three Roses]

(thanks for your concern but I'm completely safe and surrounded by kind, gentle people. But I still don't trust anyone)

[Kizzie]

all of this brings to mind how fearful I was as a young child and into my teens that I felt like my Nm would possibly kill me in one of her rages. The look on her face, the anger and disgust, the lack of reality in the things she was saying, the accusations about me that weren't true, the rage and hatred.

I think you've hit the nail on the head about the core fear in relational trauma; that is, we fear psychological/physical death. It sounds over the top, but it's really not as far too many of us know, consciously or not. It is this reality that deeply traumatizes all of us; our life depends on the whims of another.

No child should ever face this truth/reality but we have. It's why IMO we're tough cookies when it comes to lowering our shields.  We know in our deepest parts what is at stake - us.

The threat was real.