Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2

[Jazzy]

I feel like I'm in a much better place than when I started my first journal, so I have decided to start a new one to reflect that. I guess my old journal will get buried, but I hope it will remain available, and will be helpful to someone. I feel like I should write a book or something. I know what its like to be in a really bad place (crisis), and I want to help others who may be stuck in their own. Perhaps there is a better way though, I will have to do some research.

EDIT:
You can find my old journal here. It contains some of the things I've been through, and the daily struggle to make it "to phase 2".

As far as I can tell, there are a few things that allowed me to make it this far:

1) The first is that I have not seen M (my worst abuser) in a few years now. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but I don't have to see her. Also, I believe separating from my wife helped a lot. It is unfortunate, I wish it hadn't been necessary, but being with her was constantly triggering to me. Not to say it was her fault (nobody's perfect, but my past isn't her fault). I guess they key point, was removing everything(everyone?) in my life that had a negative(triggering) impact on me.

2) Medication and other strategies to help deal with the worst of the symptoms (depression, anxiety etc), so that I could function somewhat.

3) Other people in my life I could connect with that have a positive influence (my sisters and their husbands) on me, once I was able to function more (after a while with points 1 and 2).

4) Time. Fighting through the * of it all day by day. This is such a huge thing. There are no words that can truly capture what it takes to keep going every day, fighting to improve, even though it can look hopeless at times. Unfortunately, we all have the experience and don't need the words.

Of course, this isn't a cure all, or how to get better in a few simple steps. But they really made a  difference in helping me, and I hope somehow they can help you too!

END EDIT

Its interesting, that there's always something I'm struggling with internally, or that I am trying to improve about myself. When my general mood is better, the worst of these things vanish, but others come to take their place. Its okay now though. Things now don't seem so overwhelmingly important... and to some degree they aren't, as they don't keep me locked in a bad mental state.

The thing that is bothering me most right now, is how bad my sleeping schedule is, and my inability to control it. It seems like people can just sometimes stay up later, or wake up earlier, but have a generally "normal" schedule of sleeping through the night, and being awake during the day. I would say that I'm not in control of my sleeping though. It's not just that I get really tired sometimes, but I feel so bad mentally, and I know I will feel much better after some rest. Interestingly, I was out of town recently and shared a hotel room with my sisters, and I didn't feel nearly so bad when I was kept busy being social with them, and other people in the extended family. I'll have to do some more reflection on that point.

I've also been wondering if my night time medication (pain meds, not brain meds) has been causing me problems. Last night, I've started taking it in the morning as a test, to see how I feel through the day (what drowsiness effect it has on me), and if there is any change in my sleeping. So far today, I've had a bit of trouble concentrating, but haven't felt drowsy. It isn't night time yet, so I'll have to see how that goes. I didn't have a great sleep last night. I woke a few times, and had at least one nightmare, but that isn't uncommon for me.

Another thing I'm working on is my eating habits. I've put on a lot of weight in the past couple of years. I've written in the past about how I don't generally feel hungry, so I just force myself to eat. I guess I've been forcing myself to eat too much. Its very difficult to know how much to eat when I don't want to eat anything. Anyway, I'm cutting back on the amount I eat, and eating more fruit instead of frozen food. Hopefully that will help.

A final thing, is my ability to focus. When I'm overly depressed and anxious, I can't focus on things very well. I tend to jump from task to task, not really getting much completed. On the other hand, when I am feeling better, I seem to over-focus, getting lost in what I'm doing, and spending far too much time on the little things. I'm not sure if this is a chemistry problem, or a behavioral problem. I wouldn't be surprised if both factors come in to play. Its certainly a work in progress though. I need to learn to do more unique things throughout the day, instead of getting caught on a task all day, or even all week long.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Work in progress.

[Jazzy]

Today has gone well. I slept through the night, only waking once to a bad dream (and not even terrifying, just unpleasant). In the morning I felt well and rested, and lounged in bed a while to take full advantage of that feeling (as it is still rare). No drowsiness today either. It seems strange to me that those pills make me sleep longer, but don't seem to make me tired during the day when I take them in the morning. 

Even though I was actually hungry today, I stuck with my new "diet", so that's good. Yay for self control.

It was also really great, that now my internet is (somewhat) working, I can listen to music again. After a week of silence, it feels amazing to just enjoy some music. I have been listening today with a fresh sense of appreciation at its beauty.

I certainly wasn't over-focused today. I would say I was under-focused, but not distressingly so. I don't know if I will ever find a good balance there. It is a very difficult topic for me.

My brother (in-law) asked me to play some games with him this evening. It is a tremendous confidence boost to be wanted - specifically asked for - by someone who is not so damaged.

I think my biggest hurdle right now, is the difficulty in leaving the house. It is still pretty tough to walk out that door. Anyway, I can stay in now and make something to eat. Its not an immediate concern.

I was ready to wrap this post up, but I had a thought come to me. Today I spent an hour talking on the phone with M (well, mostly she talked). I always am very different when I talk to her. Even though I had realized it, and said I was going to be myself, and told her I was going to be myself... I'm still different than when talking with the rest of my family, or other people. As I mentioned briefly in my last journal, I was able to "relax and react" (be myself) a lot more so with F recently. So why not with M? Anyway, the thought I had is that I just don't care. It sounds bad, but I really don't care about her, I just tolerate her. I'm not exactly sure why that is (besides the obvious), or how/if it can be improved upon. I'm not even sure I want to... I think I should, but again, I don't really care. I'll have to think about that more later. Time for dinner!

[sanmagic7]

hey, jazzy,

good for you for figuring out about those meds and your sleep schedule.  i have problems w/ sleep as well, but it's not because of my meds.  i'm hoping that as i continue healing, the sleep will eventually sort itself out.

interesting about that dynamic with your M.  i noticed you put a "should" in there about caring.  i don't necessarily believe that a 'should' is attached to our true selves, but rather attached to some kind of guilt.  there's so much emphasis about how we 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel about ourselves or others, sometimes i think it can mess with us when we attempt to be true to ourselves. 

keep taking care of you.  sending a hug filled with love and continued success in a more healthy way to eat!

[owl25]

It sounds like you're taking really good care of yourself, all the things you did as your phase 1, and everything you are doing now. That's really quite an accomplishment. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you san and owl! I've had sleep issues all my life, they're not so bad right now, but not great either. I just keep working at it. I hope yours get easier soon san!

i don't necessarily believe that a 'should' is attached to our true selves, but rather attached to some kind of guilt.

Yeah, that is an interesting point. I keep re-writing this paragraph as I think about it more and more. I had an answer all ready for this, but uh, I think that answer is wrong. I think the real answer is that there's a (big) part of me still stuck as that little 3 year old who feels neglected and abandoned by his M. I think this also explains a lot of the anxiety/not feeling safe I deal with. I have no idea how to conquer that though. Hopefully being aware of it, and some meditation on it will help. Thank you so much for sharing this.



Today has been a bit rough. I didn't sleep so well last night - woke up about half dozen times to bad dreams. This morning was good, but shortly after lunch things started going downhill. I've been feeling really down, and while that's okay to feel down sometimes, I can't seem to focus on anything, or even distract myself from how I feel. I'm just hopping from one thing to the next with no interest. Strange that 2 days ago I was over-focused, and now the opposite. Its feels like its been a rapid change. Gaming with my sister/brother also didn't work out due to technical problems, both last night and today. I had hoped that interaction would help me feel better.

But, with all that said, I am feeling better than when I first started writing. Hopefully after dinner, or maybe after sleeping tonight I will feel better.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you sleep well tonight, Jazzy.

[sanmagic7]

 

that was a huge realization for you, jazzy, about being stuck in your 3-yr. old self.  sometimes those can rock us off center for a while, so  please take care of you, ok? 

i do take xanax for restless legs syndrome, have for 20 years, but if i get 6 hrs. of sleep at a shot, that's a good nite.  this stuff takes its toll in so many ways. 

keep going, jazzy.  we're all in this together.  love and hugs

[Jazzy]

Today was pretty good. I slept a bit longer than I would have liked, but overall it was fine. My brother came over and we talked for a few hours this afternoon/evening. After he left I made dinner and tidied up. After that I got that strange feeling I always get when I realize I'm alone again - like I need to re-adjust. Now I'm a bit tired, but feeling okay. Not good, but not bad, just... almost normal; peaceful. It is amazing how much better I am now than I was a couple years ago, and how far I still am from "normal" on a daily basis.

I'm still sitting with my previous realization. I think that's going to take a lot to process still.

[Jazzy]

Today has also been mostly good. Yay! Although, I didn't sleep very well, and fell asleep for a couple of hours in the afternoon.  I'm afraid that will set me on a cycle of sleeping during the day again. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens, so I'm trying not to worry about it too much.                                     

I had some difficulty staying focused today, and felt very bored no matter what I did. When I got busy with dinner, it was much better though. I felt something that is very hard to explain. It was like an extra awareness. Not of anything in particular, just of me. It felt like I belonged in my apartment, like I was actually the person who lived here and is responsible for it. I don't think that has ever really happened before, but it was great. I'm hoping these kinds of feelings keep up, but not really expecting them to.

Spent a bit of time thinking about the child part this afternoon. I remember the words of an old therapist of mine "I don't know what I can do, I can't get you a new mother.", and I really don't know what to do either. I've just been trying to focus on the fact that I am an adult, and have been taking care of myself. So, at least physically, we are well past that stage. Hopefully I figure out more soon.

[Jazzy]

Sleep was good today. I've been over-focused again, which has drowned most things out. I feel bad for not replying to anyone here today, but I have a hard time connecting to things emotionally when I'm in this over-focus state. I've been trying to at least check on my phone and deal with messages as they come in. I think I still need a lot of practice in dealing with things in moderation.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Jazzy]

Thanks San!

I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Tomorrow I am headed out of town again to attend my grandmother's burial. I wish I could just stay home and pretend nothing ever happened to her. Although, I also feel guilty for not being there more, or helping with everything.

Its also difficult to be around that part of the family. I'm not sure if it is accurate, but I feel like there are a lot of expectations I am not fulfilling from them. I may be projecting that though, and I think it ties in to the fact that they (my dad and his siblings) don't get along with each other very well. I find this very frustrating. They are lucky to have the family they do, I wish they would learn to be more understanding of each other.

I don't want to fall asleep, because then it will be tomorrow. I don't know what kind of emotional state I'll be in over the weekend. I don't know how I will re/act at the burial, which is also a cause of concern. I've just been trying to ignore it all, but it is getting closer and closer. I guess I'm feeling mostly insecure.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds hard, Jazzy. I hope it goes as well as it possibly can. Thinking of you.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
I am also thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thinking of you, Jazzy.