Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2

[Jazzy]

Thank you Snowdrop, Hope, and Notalone! 



TW: Death/Funeral



Its interesting. I've certainly had a lot to think about this weekend. One thing I realized is that, recently, I've been very vague in my posts. I think this is partly due to the fact that I wasn't comfortable with what I was dealing with, and maybe partly I've been afraid someone will be able to identify me. Although, I'm sure they have enough to do so already in my other journal, so no point in trying to hide now.

So more specifically then!

I felt really guilty for not volunteering to be a pallbearer. First of all, I'm the eldest grand child, and should be leading by example. Also, they were short 1, which I was told, probably a hint that my help was needed.  On top of the general anxiety of feeling I'll fail at fulfilling expectations, I can't carry much weight (my back is really bad), and I had no idea how I would react mentally during the whole ordeal. This is why I didn't volunteer right away. I mentioned this to my brother in law, and he said that he would handle any extra that may be needed if I couldn't carry much. So, at the last minute, I explained this to my uncle, and filled in as the missing pallbearer. So, I did feel better about that.

Another thing that concerned me, was how I would react to the entire situation. With the medication I'm taking now, my moods are a lot more normalized. I'm sure this is a good thing, but as a result, I have been choking up a lot (at a TV show, during a movie or song etc. I'm choking up now just remembering the funeral, to be honest.), which is really new to me. I have never cried in public before, so I really had no idea how overwhelming it would be, or how to deal with it / things at the time. I don't really know how to explain it better, but I was really concerned about it.

At first I was dissociating a bit, and didn't realize I had started crying (or that amazing grace was being played live on the bagpipes). When I realized, I focused on my senses and doing my part to carry the casket, which helped. After a few minutes, I noticed that I was no longer dissociating at all, and that felt good in a way. At least I was being honest (my Self), and not showing the perfect image I have so practiced, but actually being there, living in the moment. I would say I cried a moderate amount (it wasn't too overwhelming for the most part, but felt like a lot to me as someone who has never cried in public before), and again, I though that was healthy, which was positive despite all the sadness in a strange way.

To compound the first two points, as I said earlier, I was concerned my uncles would be judgmental (that I couldn't carry much/that I was crying), especially C. I'm not sure why I care most about what he thinks of me, maybe because he's been the most outwardly caring (he is in general a pretty good person, just has a bad temper, and can be blunt). So, I guess I feel closest to him. Much to my surprise, at the end of the funeral, he completely broke down and wailed. So, that calmed my own fears of him judging me, but raised its own issues. I didn't know what to say when he held me in a hug, so I said it was alright, that I had cried too. Now, I feel like an idiot for saying that, as he obviously didn't care about it, but it had been such a concern of mine for a while now (and in general, what he  thinks of me always has been a concern of mine), it was all that came to mind. Anyway, we muddled on, exchanged I love yous, he offered me a drink, I took it, so all is okay I guess, just ICr bugging me still.

Although I still avoided most people after the funeral had ended, I managed to calm myself down and carry on with the day. This is remarkably different than how I usually go in to an EF and get stuck for a long time. I always thought people who could just move on were horrible, and really didn't care, but it felt healthy for me to do so. I have been wrestling with my own feelings, and have taken the time, especially during the funeral to feel and work through them.

So, I would say that it went as well as it possibly could, better than I expected, or could even imagine.

I'm okay now, although still somewhat off. I've been avoiding going shopping. I also haven't unpacked from the trip, or tidied the bedroom. I'm not exactly sure why, but those tasks seem really difficult right now. I've just been trying to keep myself distracted. My sleep has been alright though, and I'm in much better shape than I was expecting. I'm somewhat anxious right now, and don't want to go to bed, but it is bed time, so to bed I go.

[Jazzy]

Also, sorry to everyone who I didn't manage to reply to yesterday. I'm still struggling emotionally somewhat, and it is hard to (emotionally) connect to some things right now. Although, today was better than yesterday, so I guess I'm headed in the right direction. I want you all to know, that even when I can't say it, or even feel it, I still want the best for all of you. Take care everyone!

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Glad that you're heading in a direction that feels right for you at the moment, and sending you a hug    I felt the kindness in what you said here, and I also want the best for you!
You take care too.
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Thanks Hope!


I managed to get some shopping and laundry done today. I'm glad that's over. "Now I'm safe for another week." Hopefully one day I can stop feeling like that and just have a normal routine. Not feeling great though, I just want to hide in bed.

[Not Alone]

There was a lot that you felt and processed at the funeral. Feeling like you want to hide in bed makes sense. Be kind to yourself.

[owl25]

Hi Jazzy, I think you did really well at the funeral, and I am glad the feelings you experienced felt like healthy ones. It's such a difference to the ones we really can get stuck in. It may take you some time to recover from the funeral, it's a lot to take in and process, so wanting to hide and avoid other things makes sense to me. You likely need some rest and some down time just to get back on your feet, and that's normal and okay. I hope you can give yourself that and not be hard on yourself for needing it. You're only human after all 

[Jazzy]

Thank you notalone and owl. You two are great! It really is a lot to deal with.

Today, I just tried to relax and take care of myself after such a hectic weekend, and really, most of the month. I guess it went well, time seemed to go by fast today. Its still a bit early, but I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.

Its nice to see some new people here recently. You know how it is, I wish they didn't have a reason to be here, but am glad they found us on their healing journey. I hope I can be helpful, even to those who I don't hear from again. I remember when I was new here, it was difficult, but there are great people here who have really helped me. I guess the point is that I'm feeling a lot more empathy tonight, so that's a good sign.

[Jazzy]

Since last night I've been thinking about IFS. It seems like it has helped a lot of people, and I see a lot of positive comments about it here. I wish it could help me too, but it scares me. It feels so much like DID, which I have struggled with in the past. I know there is a difference, but sometimes it doesn't seem very far off. I don't really like IFS, probably because it scares me. I also don't like that I don't like it, because it seems to be helpful for most. So, its something I've been thinking about, that I want to work through, but I think it might take quite a while. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

Feeling pretty withdrawn today. It was better earlier in the day, but not so great now.

EDIT: Maybe I'm just tired, it took a while for me to fall asleep last night, and my cat woke me up early this morning.

[Not Alone]

Jazzy, I felt scared about IFS also. When Snowdrop first began sharing her journey, I wanted to support her, but I couldn't even read her posts. It was quite awhile before I could skim what she had written, and then later was able to read her experiences. I eventually ordered and read the book. There are parts of the book that I marked that I either did not agree with or found "dangerous." My current therapist is trained in IFS. I think he uses IFS as a tool and if something about me doesn't fit with IFS, he hears me. I have found many things about IFS helpful. There are still things that I don't agree with or that scare me. This reply ended up being rather lengthy, but I wanted to let you know that I get being scared about IFS.

[owl25]

Hi Jazzy, it makes sense that IFS feels scary. When I first came across the website that explained it, it both scared me and intrigued me. Part of what the founder of this method talks about is how pathologized the idea of multiplicity is in our culture, and most people are scared by the idea of it. I had actually forgotten that I was scared by it at first as well. It took a long time for me to get used to the concept and that there's nothing unusual or strange about it. We do have the expression "a part of me feels ...", and everyone has said it at some point. I wouldn't push yourself into this, if it feels scary, then that's ok, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. For myself I kind of went back and forth on reading about it depending on how comfortable I felt. I did find it took a while for me to feel comfortable with the idea of it and the concept of it. If it feels like too much, you can leave it be. Your healing is yours and I think we all need to figure out for ourselves what works best for us. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you for sharing notalone and owl. I guess its not so uncommon to feel scared about it. Now that I think about it, a lot of the healing journey is frightening, or at least anxiety provoking. Maybe one day I can find an IFS trained therapist and talk to them, I'm sure that would help.



Today was pretty good, I got some things accomplished (including a long overdue shower), but also took some time for myself. I also spent a couple of hours playing games with my sister and her husband, so that was nice.

Afterwards, I developed a headache though, it has been bothering me since dinner time. My anxiety is a bit high too; I have this feeling of deja vu. I don't feel very safe right now. I haven't finished going through all the posts here from this weekend, but it is getting late, and for reasons above, I need to go to bed.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy,
Hope you slept ok last night.  Sounds like you had a lot on yesterday.    Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Thanks Hope, but unfortunately I didn't sleep very well. I thought I could sleep off my headache, but it just got worse until it was waking me up with pain. I also woke up from nightmares 3 or 4 times. I'm not too sure why I'm so stressed out right now, but something is obviously bothering me... maybe just the last month or so catching up to me. I did sleep for a while during the day today, so I did get some rest. Hopefully it doesn't cause my sleeping to go off schedule, but I'm getting tired again, so I think it will be okay.

I've been having a lot of skin problems lately, and I wonder if it is a side effect from the medication I take. I really hope not, as I am doing much better on this medication than I have in years. My brother in law has pointed out to me a few times that since I started taking it, I'm now doing better than I ever been since he met me. So, I really don't want to stop taking it. Anyway, it is just a guess, I'll have to talk to my doctor about what is going on with my skin. Its difficult, because its not something that I can easily test in a few days. It will take some time for it to clear up, then I will have to wait a while to see if it comes back again.

[Jazzy]

So, I sat down to watch a show this evening before bed, and it really hit me how stressed I still am all the time. Its not at a panic level, but I still can't just relax and enjoy whatever I'm doing. I'm usually either super focused on something and really intense, or bored and not wanting anything to do with whatever it is. I really wish I could just relax and enjoy something, instead of always being at one of these two extremes.

[Snowdrop]

It could easily be the impact of the last month or so. You've been through a stressful, emotional time, and I find it can take me quite a while to settle down after things like that.