Buddy9832’s Journal

[buddy9832]

I know I haven't posted in a few days. I'm finding it harder to find the motivation to post. I really don't want to give up journaling though. I don't want this to be another self care method that I try and put up on the shelf because I get bored with it or more so I believe because part of me doesn't want to get better.

I had a telehealth appointment with my psychiatrist the other day. She found it very interesting how I tend to imagine myself in the first person in morbid situations. I've never really had an explanation for this and I can't imagine it's normal. As I said before, when R's friend got in the motorcycle accident I would try to put myself in his shoes during that moment or when my grandfather was dyeing his shoes. It's not that it's something I want to do. It just happens and it usually takes a lot of effort to stop. I'd say usually it's associated at night when my mind is racing before bed.

On a different note R was in a funk yesterday afternoon.  I had no idea why. I come to find out my phone was open to this forum. It was open to my journal specifically and she read some of the entries. I don't actually mind. I share with her every aspect of my life and most of these things she's already heard. But to a degree even though I don't feel the need to withhold information from her there is a part of my mind that is locked away that can't be communicated until I write it. I think she found that aspect a little shocking. She knows I have low self esteem but I think reading my thoughts,
aspects that can be written but not spoken verbally were tough for her to see. She was hurt to see what my mind goes through.

She wanted me to understand how much the kids and she loves me and that in turn I should apply that to myself. That concept must be so deeply rooted in me as it's incredibly uncomfortable. It doesn't even seem fathomable time me.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with your reflection on how your journal entries were received by R.  I tend to come across more blunt and strong in writing than in person.  I have to be really careful with emails I send especially at work because my style comes across as too much.  When we are speaking in person we get a different kind of feedback that we adjust our tone, style, wording to that we don't get in writing. 

I appreciate when you post as your entries are thoughtful and authentic.  I imagine that takes a toll though and it can be tough to keep putting this out there.  I think it is ok for something like a journal to work for a while but not at all times. 

[buddy9832]

Thanks Rainy, I appreciate it!

Actually in your journal you discussed a topic that I want to explore for myself. The idea of proving my worth. This idea has never really crossed my mind but when I reflect upon my life a majority of it could be defined in some way shape or form as a means to prove my worth. My therapist and R have suggested that I'm always hungry for others feedback. I'm sure that's a sign.

Why do I feel the need to prove my worth? Who am I proving it too? How did this all originate? I'm assuming it always boils down to emotional neglect. Perhaps my parents didn't provide enough positive reinforcement? Or maybe it's through the emotional neglect and feeling unworthy that I have been desperately trying to get my parents attention (or anyone's attention) that I am valuable? I'm assuming it's one of those or a mix.

My therapist and R have indicated that for the longest time I have lived in my parents shadows, always trying to impress them. Does that mean I was neglected as a child? I wish there was a way to know for sure. I can't really say for sure. I'd almost rather have physical scars to remind me that something did in fact happen  than to always question it. I can't imagine that if I was neglected that it was out of blatant negligence or malice. But what do I know? I'm sure to this is just another example of me being in denial.

I can recall many examples of trying to prove my worth. In elementary school I was bullied. When I was in high school it felt necessary to me to prove that I was something. I guess to show my worth. It didn't really help. To compound to this I went to a private high school. I would consider my family as upper middle class but a majority of the kids at the school were raised in very wealthy families. I was one of the "poor" kids that needed to do work study programs to help pay for school. I remember an extreme desire to get into a federal military academy (West Point, Naval Academy, etc). A good portion of this desire was due to the challenge. It was the understanding that the schools were very difficult to get into and that could be a measure of my worth. I didn't get into the schools but I did end up going to a military school.

Fast forward to my time in college. I majored in Biology and I had an extreme desire to become a doctor. I wanted to go to medical school through the Navy. They would pay for medical school in turn for time in service. Part of me saw it again as a measure of worth. Most people at the military school went into typical jobs: artillery, tanks, transport, sailing ships etc. But I had the need to become a doctor. I toiled through school. I was hungry to perform well and it was at the expense of my health and relationships. I would routinely get less than a couple hours sleep at night. I would be so blindly focused on the goal that I would neglect the needs of my girlfriend (who fortunately is now my wife).

Life had different plans. I ended up getting into the Medical Corps in the Navy but didn't get into medical school. I remember desperately look for the next "elite" opportunity which for me was submarines. I had an interview in Washington DC with the chief of naval reactors but I didn't get that either. I ended up getting one of the typical jobs as a Surface Warfare Officer.

Transition my life to the Navy, I had to select a ship out of Pearl Harbor. Nobody ever gets to go to Pearl Harbor. I made that decision based on the rarity of the opportunity. Very little thought was put into how this would affect my relationship with R. Once I was stationed on the ships, I needed to perform well I needed my sailors to perform well as that was a measure of my worth. It was a ploy to get positive reinforcement from my boss'. Sometimes I got that positive reinforcement but it never lasted and again it was at the expense of my health and my relationship with R.

I give these examples as they are all cases that were tied to me being so desperate for others approval. To know that I'm worthy. I wish I knew how the process originated but it has been a nasty cycle that I've only recently started to get a hold of. Again, I wish I could draw back to a particular incident and say yes, this is where it all started. I don't think I'll ever get there because no event(s) exist.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing and exploring this idea.  I could see parallels in my own story.  I too struggle with the elusive neglect I experienced.  I have examples of abuse in my story yet I don't think those explain my need to prove I am worthy - it is something else deeper and unknown that I can't identify either. 

It seems like having a root cause or specific starting point is important in your thinking.  I've struggled with this too - I see decisions I've made or ways I've acted and wonder what made me act in that way.  I'm not sure what I think I would gain in knowing - maybe being able to prevent or stop it in the future.  Maybe acceptance or forgiveness.  I don't really know other than I hurt and I want that to stop. 

[buddy9832]

It's been a weird past few days. Part of me can't help but feel like I've been taken advantage of and the other part is quick to say everything is fine. R started work in earnest last week. She worked two nights back to back Thursday and Friday. As a result, I decided to take some time off from work (they're pushing us to take time anyway). R's mom was nice enough to have T sleepover during those days but B was stuck to my hip from Thursday through Saturday.

During this period the way things worked out was that I watched B from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. Bathed him, stayed up with him at night, etc. I'm sure you get the point. He was especially difficult to manage the nights R worked. The only opportunity I had for personal time was the time between him sleeping and me going to bed and of course this time was spent doing school work. I wouldn't go to sleep until around midnight and B would wake up many times throughout the night. R would then sleep all day and then go to work.

Saturday, I couldn't help but feel enraged and frustrated. R did not have work but she more or less slept all day. This left me stuck with managing two kids most of the day. I wanted some time to decompress and finish my homework but never got a chance. It came around 4, I was thinking R was going to help me watch the kids but she told me she needed to go back to bed because the room was spinning (she was so tired). For whatever reason when she said that I felt deflated and defeated. It was almost a validation to me of my worthlessness. I just shut down. She slept until 5 which left me having to cook dinner.

She acknowledge "that I was a saint" those past few days. I still felt worthless but I couldn't be upset at her. She knows it sucks. I feel horrible for being upset at her. She is incredibly tired and it's very difficult to recoup. I just feel worthless and burnt out.

Today and similarly, I was trying to get the back yard set up with an inflatable pool. It's been hot here. The hose reel is one of those automatic ones and it was tangled beyond belief. As I'm working on that R was quick to inform me that the WiFi was down. Again, I wasn't expecting it but I couldn't help but feel worthless. It feels like everything is breaking in the house and I'm failing.

I feel bad because I was angry and frustrated at R but in reality I don't think she deserves it. I think it is more so my IC trying to get the upper hand and bring me down. It has been pretty bad lately. I woke up and the first thing that came to my mind was insulting me calling myself a fat *. I can't seem to shake it. These negative thoughts have been prevalent most of the weekend.

[buddy9832]

My IC has been running rampant as of late. It's been very much focused on my health and weight to be more precise. In reality I am overweight but all and all pretty healthy physically. I find I'm calling myself a fat *. I find my mind more less tries to force me to accept an early death. Accept that I will get diabetes or heart disease relatively young and die relatively young.

This however does nothing to motivate me. Yes, I should be exercising more. Yes, I could eat more healthy but I can't seem to get myself on the bandwagon. As I write this, I wonder how much of this plays into my mom's influence? I didn't come to terms with it until maybe a year ago but she has an undiagnosed eating disorder. All the symptoms are there and thinking about it now I'm sure aspects of it rubbed off on me. She would constantly be making food for me, stuff that she wouldn't eat and guilt trip me if I didn't eat it. This is not to make any excuses, I take full responsibility for my health. I'm just curious if it is a factor. It's also hard for me to go on a diet as R is recovering from an eating disorder.

Lastly, now that I think of it I recall my father making jokes/judgements etc on overweight people and I'm sure that has brought with it some degree of shame.

Sorry for the rambling, I'm just trying to piece it together.

Moving on, I'm finding my pessimistic world view is becoming more prevalent as of late. I've been ruminating on the life raft incident. Mostly, thinking about it in context to the geopolitical situation at the time. It was a few years after we bombed Libya. Libya's infrastructure was decimated. The bombing lead to a power vacuum which allowed many factions competing for dominance including ISIS and Boko Haram if memory serves me correct. This  contributed to the refugee crisis. Refugees would sail from Northern Africa (like Libya) to places like Italy. The passage was incredibly dangerous and the fatality rate was very high.


//=======TW==========
During this time when we were performing operations I came across an orange half sunk life raft. This was the type of life raft that is only released from ships in an emergency. My point is if you see one in the water it can only really mean one thing, somebody was in distress. I was the Officer of the Deck (in charge of sailing the ship) at the time. I called the Captain and if memory serves me correct I requested to search for survivors. I wanted to take a small boat over to the life raft take a look inside to see if anyone was in there or at least see if it would provide a clue as to where they were now. I was told to move on. No further search or thought was given to that life raft incident. It wasn't reported to higher ups, the local coast guard wasn't notified nothing.

What haunts me about this scenario is I know first hand about how low your chances of surviving are once you make a decision to go into the water. Rewind the clock to my previous deployment, we were sailing by the Strait of Hormuz. This is a narrow waterway (only 3 miles wide at some places) and is one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world. Hundreds if not thousands of vessels are going through there daily and weekly. On this deployment we came across a stranded fisherman. He was floating on old water and milk cans strung together. We found out his fishing boat caught fire and he had to abandon ship. He was in 80 degree water but was still hypothermic. He was adrift for three days. THREE DAYS in one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world. Not one soul saw him before us. So I reiterate, the likely hood  of survival when abandoning ship is extremely low. Therefore in my opinion if you come across a sign of distress such as a half sunken life raft, it should be your moral obligation to search. If there were people alive anywhere near that raft that would have been their only chance of survival. Yet we decided to press on.

My T asks me from time to time what it would take to forgive myself. How could I forgive myself? I can't. If you were in my shoes would you? I think about a scenario in which survivors are floating in the water and watch as their only chance of survival slowly drifts off towards the horizon.

It feels like a crime to me that we didn't at a minimum investigate. That this wasn't even reported. I understand we had a mission to fulfill but that doesn't mean we couldn't perform an initial investigation and wait until other resources came on scene. The fact of the matter is I didn't press hard enough. If memory serves me correct, I informed the Captain and strongly recommended that we search but after that I carried on and performed my duties.  I did not voice my opinion further.

I swore an oath and therefore loyalty to the Constitution. I was obligated under law to protect the Constitution against enemies foreign and domestic. This means if there is dissent amongst the ranks or if there is something that is believed to be unconstitutional, it is your obligation to fight it even if it is within your same chain of command. I did not press further and I failed.

So I asks again if you were in my shoes would you forgive yourself?

Moving on, R's friend is doing alright. It looks like he will survive. His abdomen is closed, it sounds like there is no sign of infection. He lost his left arm and they're trying to save his right. They have been performing intensive surgeries on his right arm. They used cadaver bone to help save it. It sounds like if this bone doesn't take they will need to amputate. That will leave him as a double amputee. How is he expected to get by in life? He won't be able to take care of himself.

How is he going to pay for the medical bills? He's been in the ICU for about a month now. R has informed me that ICU services are typically $30k a day and this is not including surgery, the drugs, and anesthesia. You do the math. By the time everything is said and done his bill will be in the millions. And he is an average Joe who worked as a bartender. Sure you can sue the person that hit him. But let's assume at best if you drain that person for every dime he has. At best he's probably middle class and that won't put a dent into his medical bills.
\\======END OF TW=======

I'm having a hard time thinking optimistically as of late. I had hunting nightmares last night though at this point I can't remember them.

[buddy9832]

So I wanted to write something more on the positive side today. I find that I have a hard time writing about the positive. I suppose it's a part of me that doesn't want to give myself credit. If I was to give myself credit that would mean there's a possibility to love myself which seems a little too painful or difficult to come to terms with just yet. Usually in fact, it's the days that I don't post into my journal that have been positive. I know this is something I need to work on but it's very hard to find the motivation on these days.

Today for whatever reason is a different case. I had a pretty pleasant daddy/daughter day with T. She's 2.5 and with the arrival of B she's been increasingly difficult to manage. We didn't even do much today but it was quite enjoyable. We played in the morning, did things like put together puzzles, which she loves right now. Later in the afternoon, we went to the local hiking trails. It was an absolute pleasure watching her explore nature on her own. She was picking up leaves and sticks, examining dirt, etc. She just seemed so happy to be there and in turn I was able to witness an explosion of curiosity. I would take the time to point out different things. Show her pine cones, or mushrooms. Explain to her why trees are green and that they make air for us. I know she won't understand it yet, but I just love watching that curiosity. I'm not sure if this is a natural parent reaction but for me, I'm absolutely terrified of the curiosity in her dying. I feel like for me that's when things got really tough. The moment I was broken, the moment my spirits were crushed, a part of me died and my curiosity left me. Things were never the same and pain became difficult to pull myself out of. I'd say now my curiosity has slowly started to come back but I doubt it will ever be anywhere close to where it was in the past. I hope she does not have to experience that. That she will be forever curious, forever learning.

On another note, we had couples today. It wasn't too bad. A good portion of the focus was on me again and the fact that I should find time to grieve the relationship I always thought I would have with my parents. She's right, they won't change and it's time for me to move on. I'm not sure if I know how to do that. I feel like I'm incapable of grieving. My T has made that observation in the past and has suggested even with my grandfather, I never grieved his death. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing about your day.  I'm glad you were able to have that time with your little one.  What you say about curiosity resonates with me - it is a hard thing about growing up that our curiosity shifts and may take different forms and could go away for a while. 

It's funny you should mention working to see the positive.  Today I was considering how I might be more used to focusing on darker, less pleasant things including thoughts, emotions, memories.  The past few days I've been relatively "good" and have tried to stay with that.  It is really hard though and my IC kicks in - I am wondering if I am making headway because my IC is getting more creative with what it throws at me.  I think it is going to take continued effort to not "default" to my usual thought patterns.

I hope that you found some things today that you are able to carry forward and keep doing more of. 

[buddy9832]

I had another hunting dream last night. I can't say I remember much from it. What I can remember was that it was in a war zone. The environment was more of suburbia and forests than anything. I was in a helicopter that was shot down and had to bail out. When we did I vaguely recall being by a river and running into the forest. While some one was chasing us.

That's the extent I remember, I don't recall who was chasing me.

[buddy9832]

Thanks rainy, I certainly agree I definitely find that I focus more on the darker side of things.

Today so far is starting off as a mixed bag. T got her new "big girl bed" which she's incredibly excited about but we also got news that R's friend is losing circulation in his other arm (IE they will need to amputate.

I am trying hard to stay in a positive mind set but it's getting hard. What's R's friend going to do with two missing arms? How is he going to be able to function? He won't be able to do day to day activities. And the poor guy is young, he's 30. Not that it's ever a good time to be in a motorcycle  accident but he still has a majority of a life to live now with no arms. Lastly, as described above how will he pay for these ludicrous medical bills?

The experiences from deployment are starting to come back to my mind. I'm thinking about how indifferent and unfair the world is. I'm thinking about how much pain and suffering there is. I just hope by writing this down I'll be able to stay more in the positive today than the negative.

[buddy9832]

Today's not going well at all and the day isn't even over. I got in a fairly heated argument with R. The back story is more or less I've spent the past 5 or so days where the kids have been my complete attention. R has been working so three of those 5 days she's been sleeping. I spoke previously whether intentional or not I feel like I've been taken advantage of. I was on vacation through today and I did not spend a single moment on myself to recoup. R is in school as well to become a lactation consultant and she has major exams coming up. She had requested today to spend time studying while the kids napped. In turn, I'd screen them most of the day.

T was down for a nap and I was trying to get B down. My assumption, she'd be studying. From upstairs I just heard her shuffling around doing dishes etc. I could feel myself getting angry. Eventually when I put B down I spoke with her to go study and that I will finishes the dishes. She refused. For whatever reason this triggered me and I insisted for her to again go study. I felt like she was going to use her little valuable time to do dishes and procrastinate and in turn whether intentionally or unintentionally I'd feel the pain later as she didn't have time to study. I voiced this and obviously it didn't go over well. Later in the day, I had B in one of those saucers and spent a few minutes on my phone while he was playing. I admit I wasn't present with B but I needed a few minutes to myself. She comes over and begins to play with him when she should have been studying. I forget the exact remark but she said something to the affect that she saw me ignoring B and wanted to hang out with him. For me that translated to, shame on you you're not spending time with your child. I became upset further as I feel like I'm under the microscope when I use my phone but when I see her use her phone in front of the kids I don't say a word. I called her out on this and again it didn't go well. Lastly, we were in B's room. In the closet there's a music box and dried flowers from when he was born.  I was putting a back pack away which was next to the music box and flowers. It caused the box to start playing. In turn, R jumped up and insisted that she put the backpack away. Again for whatever reason I translated that to as "Lenny (Lenny from of Mice and Men), I don't even trust you to put a backpack away. You are worthless."

These events just triggered me. I shut down. I feel completely useless and want nothing more than to be in my head and wallow in the misery and go to bed to let this day end.

We talked about the fight later. Her intent was not to insult me that I'm useless but that's the way I feel. Again I just want to disappear to my mind and be left  alone.

I feel so useless so unworthy.

[marta1234]

  Sending a supportive hug. I can feel the effort and strength that you put in everyday with your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry you haven't been able to recuperate, but you're still doing a great job with your kids. You're not worthless but valued, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Hope you find some comfort soon

[buddy9832]

Thanks marta, I appreciate the kind words. R and I had a long discussion related to yesterday and one thing she comment on was that she wishes I could see me through her and the kids eyes.

This appears to be an issue that I've had quite a bit in my life. My perception of myself is very low but others think rather highly of me. I don't understand where the disconnect came from and why it is so hard to love myself. I think part of it is forgiveness. I don't think I'll be able to love myself until I can forgive myself. But how do you move on when you can't see yourself forgiving yourself? I feel like I've been stuck in this position for so long. I feel so inherently flawed. In my eyes, I'm unworthy in others eyes I am worthy. When R voices how appreciative and valued I am, I'm quick to dismiss it in my head. I'm quick to change the subject. It's difficult to be put into that light.

R had therapy today. The topic of conversation was me. We are fairly open in discussing what is talked about in our respective therapy sessions. Her T suggested that I struggle to grow as I see failure in growing too painful. So why not prevent growing and therefore prevent the pain? I am still thinking this through and am not exactly sure what my opinion is. I suppose she's right? I can't seem to make changes to be healthier in life. I accept the fact of an early death. Perhaps because the thought otherwise is painful. Why do I have such an aversion to the pain and failure?

Perhaps this is why I would dedicate myself to my studies to the point where it was unhealthy. I didn't want to fail. But why? Why is this something so hard for me to accept?

Today was my first day back from my time off. It was definitely one of the days chock full of anxiety and stress. It was one of those days where the stress feels like it takes years off my life. I'm on edge, chest is tight, mind is racing, irritable etc. I know it was spurred on by the stress of childcare (today was absolute chaos) and the fact that I couldn't dedicate solid time to work. I have a hard time knowing if this is actually an EF of some variety. To me the stress feels more than what should be experienced in these type of events. Again, it's definitely a fight or flight state. If it is an EF, I don't know where it stemmed from. I know I had anxiety related to my dad being out of work for years but I don't recall experiencing the stress like I do now. Could it be the Navy? I know these feelings of stress were definitely there then but we're those just EFs as well?

I wish I had some answers. I feel like I'll never be able to find the answers. They're so elusive.

[buddy9832]

I'm tired. As this pandemic rages on, I am finding it is taking more and more out of me. I am so incredibly tired. I am tired of the pandemic and the fact that humanity doesn't seem to be able to get there * together. I am tired of the with how incredibly crappy this world is. I am tired with the systemic failures of our (U.S.) government and medical systems. I am tired of working remote barely working 6 hours a day. I am tired of watching children while working. I am tired of taking care of adult children while at work. I'm tired of suppressing all of my anger and frustrations to ensure that T and B have a safe and nurturing environment to grow up. I am tired of not getting sleep. I am tired of taking care of children at night trying to be a nurturing and positive dad when I can barely keep my eyes open. I am tired of getting no support (other than my wife). I am tired of my parents, them moving away and their obliviousness to what we are dealing with. I am tired of all the added to do's that never seem to get done. I'm tired of the never ending house maintenance. I am tired of the severe stress and anxiety. I am tired of feeling like years are being taken off my life. I'm tired of being unhealthy and doing nothing to change it. I am just so incredibly tired. I am so incredibly burnt out. I had 5 days off because work needs me to take PTO and every waking minute of that time was spent with taking care of the kids. No time was spent on myself.

R is getting concerned (I can't say I really blame her) that I'm getting close to having a mental breakdown. She is getting more and more scared of working and me having to take care of both kids. B started sleeping through the night about a couple of weeks ago. This week for whatever reason he appears to be regressing. He's been waking up on the dot around 2AM and usually it involves me having to try to coax him to bed. He's been absolutely fighting me. Nothing I do seems to be right and R can't help as it's an even bigger problem when she is in the room. Last night, when he woke up around 2AM he fought and fought me. On three occasions, I was able to get him to fall asleep in the chair with me. Each time I would gently place him in his crib, he'd wake up almost instantly. The first few attempts, I would head back to bed and by the time I laid my head on the pillow he was having a fit. I could just feel the raging and exhaustion surging through my body. The last time, I sat with him, I couldn't handle the fighting anymore. I had to put him down in the crib and just sit on the stairs to calm down and recompose myself. It was at this point that R intervened and asked me what's wrong. I told her what I said above, how I'm so tired. The thing is I'm not sure if really anything will help me recoup. R is letting me have a day to myself and the only I feel is utter exhaustion.

I feel horrible that I'm getting tired of my kids. My patience is waning. T wasn't even doing anything yesterday. In fact, she was an angel and I couldn't handle her. I've been enjoying ice water in a thermos as of late and sipping it throughout the day. She would keep having sips and putting her fingers in my water and for whatever reason that was infuriating to me.

A few days ago, I spoke with R about the rumination of the life raft incident (she knows most of the things I went through when I was in the Navy). I offered her the same question that I posed here. If you were in my shoes would you forgive yourself? I could see on her face she was struggling to find an answer. I feel like my healing is so contingent upon me finding forgiveness for myself. Yet, what do you do when you don't want to or can't seem to forgive yourself. The life raft incident is just one of the experiences that requires self forgiveness. I feel like until I can forgive, I can't move on. I am finding that I'm at a point in my journey where I have the tools and know what I "should" be doing to heal but there is a stronger force that doesn't want me to heal. When I'm having a tough day, when I need to call upon the tools, I'm finding part of me stating that "you should use tool x". Followed by the other part me absolutely refusing. "As I don't deserve to heal. I deserve to be in pain." The sad thing this also comes at the expense of my family. And so progresses the cycle.

[Three Roses]

I can hear how exhausted you are. You sound like you are at the end of the rope. Maybe time to reach out for individual, specialized help like from the VA or some other military-focused group? Civilians may not have the insight to help you understand how to extricate yourself from the torture you are in.

Whatever you did, there is forgiveness for you, and you're worthy of it.