Buddy9832’s Journal

[Not Alone]

You have many pressures; external and internal. I hear that you are exhausted.

[marta1234]

I'm sorry Buddy you're feeling like this. I don't have the same exhaustion as you have, but I can understand and feel it. Just know that you're doing the best with your kids, and it's ok to have these feelings. Mental illness does not take a break on us. Sending support and relief if it's ok

[buddy9832]

Thank you 3R, notalone and marta for the kind words. I have been thinking about using the VA services and in fact I'm in the process of getting cPTSD on record with them. I've had an aversion to them for quite a while. I think a lot of it was associating my negative experiences with them. My psychiatrist recommended that I partake in some of  their PTSD services such as group. I just can't seem to get any further than acknowledging that it would be a good idea.

R wanted me to use the day to focus on myself. Blow off steam and try to recoup. She's been a saint and  has been watching the kids all day. It was quite helpful to have the day to myself. I feel better than I did this morning, but I'm still exhausted. It was rather uncomfortable though. At different times during the day I would see R struggling but she would not let me help. We discussed making changes, to help mitigate the exhaustion moving forward. We acknowledge I don't really have much of an outlet. A hobby that I'm quite passionate about is drums but with two young children and no good place to setup inside, I probably only have the opportunity to play a couple of times a year. I was able to play today and it did feel good. I am not allowed to go back on campus to work but R suggested that perhaps I go in the mornings to her dad's office (he owns his own business) to get a few uninterrupted hours done. I agree this may be useful, but I'm having trouble getting around to the idea as that would routinely leave R on her own.

[owl25]

Would it be possible to hire someone to help out with the kids? I'm not sure if finances would allow for this or what the situation is with the pandemic where you are. If at all possible, it may be well worth it.

[buddy9832]

Hi owl,

Hiring someone to watch the kids has been a little bit of a complicated issue to say the least. We have a hard time getting over hiring a neighbor hood kid to watch the children even if we are home. It's definitely a trust thing. As T has gotten older we came around to the idea of putting her into daycare a few times a week. We obviously have the capacity to watch her but do guy red it would be good for her development to hang out with other children her age. Unfortunately, the pandemic put a kabosh on that idea. The new policies don't provide much opportunities for social interaction (obviously) which was the whole point. Also, we gave up our reservation as we don't need the daycare and I'm sure there a families that do. Lastly, my MIL is warming up to watching the kids but it is still not sufficient or routine.

I guess my point is we are still in a pickle. I know something needs to give, we're just having a hard time figuring something out.

[sanmagic7]

buddy,

i've been to that place of exhaustion, many times, and it's actually a process of time, rest, and resolution of issues that eventually helps with it.  i do think that getting involved in a VA program would be a good thing for you - it would give you some time and space for just you.  don't know if you're able to actually attend meetings right now, but possibly there is online access to something that could be helpful for you.

i love the drum idea, but can certainly understand the restrictions involved.  any chance of utilizing pots and pans as a temporary outlet?

it sounds like you and R are doing a really good job of working together on all this.  lots of love and a hug for you both filled w/ understanding and care.

[buddy9832]

Thank you san, I really do hope I can get past it.

Today wasn't so bad actually. It has been one of the rare days where overall my stress and anxiety doesn't feel like it's taking years off my life. I didn't get much sleep but R did force me instead of sleeping to get some exercise and I do think that helped a ton.

Today overall, was unremarkable. I did find myself getting to that high level of stress and anxiety tonight while I was putting the kids to bed. T (the oldest)was crying)and keeping B up. I was preoccupied with getting outside and mowing the lawn. I find landscaping therapeutic. I managed to ride through it and get the kids to sleep. I'll put that in the victory column for once.

As usual on days that aren't so bad I have a hard time writing much. I'll leave it at this for now.

[sanmagic7]

i think it belongs in the victory column, too.  glad you got thru the day without too much neg. going on.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[buddy9832]

Thank you san, I appreciate it.

Today was another pretty descent day. I'm not sure if I'll have much to write about. My stress/anxiety levels were relatively low compared to how they normally are when I work. The kids were fairly well behaved. T got her new "big girl bed" which she was quite excited about. It was nice to watch the innocent joy and excitement on her face over the simple things. I wish I could even have a small degree of that contentment.

As of late, R keeps reminding me that she's worried about me; that she can't do this life without me. I feel fine but I wonder if she sees something that I'm missing or is still a little freaked out from "my incident". Again, I feel fine.

I am however getting sick of the stress and anxiety. I'm so sick of the feeling. The chest tightness, hyper vigilance, irritability, and racing mind. I wish I could find a way to get better control of it.

I'm not sure if I have much else to write about today. I wish I could spend as much time talking about the positives as I do the negatives. I feel it would do me a world of good but I typically find I have writers block.

[sanmagic7]

buddy, i don't think that writer's block is unusual.  i'm still looking forward to the day when my mind focuses more consistently on the here and now, which is very positive, rather than the past, which isn't.  it's frustrating!

keep taking care of you, ok?  stress and anxiety are horrible to live with.  i hope the more you keep writing, looking at your issues, getting realizations, and doing what you can to resolve them, the more your anxiety and stress will diminish.  here's to a brighter tomorrow!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I'm glad you shared even if it seemed like there wasn't much to share!  What you said about being tired of dealing with the various things resonates with me today - I am experiencing that too.  For me it's tricky because what seems to help one day may do nothing the next.  It is exhausting.  I hope you  find ease as much as possible. 

[buddy9832]

Thank you San and rainy, I appreciate it.

San, I am certainly doing my best to take care of myself and thank you for the reminder that this is all a process. Hopefully with continued reflection and analysis healing will come.

Rainy, it's also good to hear you have similar struggles. It's always good to know you're not alone.

Today was a bit tougher of a day than the past two. For starters, it's the beginning of a work weekend for my wife which implies I'll be on no -stop kid duty through Sunday. Most of the days usually aren't bad it's the night time routine that's tough. I also struggle with the wake ups during the night. I am not the person I used to be and I certainly can't function on little sleep anymore. The cloud that is this weekend has been on my mind and with it has definitely been a degree of stress and anxiety.

To add to this stress, I really didn't get much done today work wise. Usually, Friday's are slower days but I had a few things to catch up on. One of which is breaking bad news to a client that their project will be delayed another three weeks. I still didn't get to finish composing that email and providing the client an updated status. I'll have to finish that after the kids are in bed. The other problem is one of my clients is putting all work on hold at least until the next year. The active project we're currently performing for them is under budgetary review.

I find one of my biggest flaws and positive traits is ownership. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. I find that I take such extreme responsibility for my projects. It feels like any failures (and failures are common) that do happen are the result of a failure in me. This just feeds my low self esteem. My lack of worth. I feel like, when things fail that I'm responsible and it's a loss to me not just work. To find out that the client is putting the project on hold which probably means they are canceling the project is kick to the stomach. In reality nothing bad will happen to me work wise. I just hate failing. It feels like a professional embarrassment. This ownership also fuels my IC. When I can't get much work done due to child care for an example my IC runs rampant. More or less that is what today is. Me trying to get work done but my home obligations keep taking me away from work. This ratchets up my stress and anxiety.

To add more to the day I called my mom. The reason for the call was to thank her for the gifts she sent T and B. T was playing in the sandbox at the time and I wanted to do a FaceTime so she could thank her. T was all excited about it until the call started then she shut down. I know this happens but it still kind of hurt. It was a blatant manifestation that the distance is taking a toll on my kids relationships with them. The conversation as usual  was awkward and superficial. My mom talked about diets and how much my dad lost weight even though she knows we are very sensitive to this conversations especially because of R's experiences. Furthermore she spoke about my grandmother.

To set the scene as I don't believe I've spoken about my grandmother before here. She's definitely aging. She's pushing 90 and you can tell life is starting to take a toll. At a minimum the dementia is starting to set in. She's my father's mother, Swedish, and the champion of the stoicism that I've described before. To provide an example I believe I've provided before. Her husband died, maybe 10 years ago. After we buried him we went back to their house. The phone rang and my grandmother picked it up. It was an insurance person trying to get in contact with her husband about something. With absolute composure and calmness she had stated, "You poor thing, D passed away the other day". She hung up the phone and that was it. Mind you this was not even hours after we buried him.

She lived on her own until this year. She has actually been a significant cause of stress for me as once my parents moved away there was literally no other children of hers available to her in a three hour radius. Might not sound significant but with someone of her age, that is an eternity to get help.  Eventually my parents decided to have her move down with them with the ultimate goal of putting her in a nursing home. The week she moved down is really when the pandemic started picking up in the US. She lived with my parents for about a month and then they decided to follow through in putting her on the nursing home as they were "paying the rent anyway" and that they needed to "live their lives". Of course me being the person I am understood that nursing homes were the hotbed of covid activity and that this was probably not the wisest idea. She went anyway and this is where she has been since March. She can have no contact with the outside world due to the pandemic and obviously social interaction/activities are prohibited. They recently allowed the home to have visits but it's almost like a prison where you speak to each other behind a pane of glass.

This was a long digression to state that when talking to my mom she indicated that her dementia is getting worse. She doesn't understand why she's in the home and more so why people can't visit her. I've just been sitting with that to night and don't really know what to think of it. I'm sure guilt will follow soon. I can't say I've been great at staying in touch with her. Furthermore, we found out that R's dad has skin cancer. Don't know what to make of it but that man can't catch a break. Selfishly I'm not looking forward to going through another medical ordeal of his. It's been very difficult for me to see how he's been treating R. I also don't really know  how I should feel about this all.

I guess that's enough for tonight. The night is already starting off a little tough with the kids but manageable. I'm sure if I need to vent I'll be back on here.

[buddy9832]

I had a hunting dream last night. I do t remember much from it other than vaguely it occurred in Italy. I also recall being on a late 19th century battlefield with people dying left and right and the associated gore.

I don't remember the rest. I don't remember who was hunting me or what the reasons were for.

[sanmagic7]

hey, buddy,

ugh that you were being hunted in your dream.  any kind of flashback to that?  i know that death can mean renewal, rather than something negative.

that medical stuff is horrible.  i hope you don't put too much guilt on yourself.  i've battled w/ that a bit w/ my hub, now that he's sick and i'm not there anymore.  still, we do the best we can at the time.  family stuff is always wrapped up w/ extra pressures, for sure.

keep taking care of you - you can be your best friend.  love and hugs

[buddy9832]

Thank san, I appreciate it. My apologies for not understanding fully but when you are referring to flashbacks are you asking if I experienced something similar to the dream in real life?

What a dumpster fire that was today. It was a really hard day for me. To start, I found out yesterday that my very well respected supervisor will be leaving the company. I understand, these things happen and everyone will be fine. It's just tough because she was a very people centric type of manager and leader. We jived really well, her philosophy is if you take care of your people they will take care of you. This is
something I tried to exemplify in the Navy but I know I wasn't perfect. She did this extremely well. The day was chock full of additional meetings to identify the way forward.

Unfortunately, I was also on kid duty most of the day. T pretty much stared at a TV screen most of the day which I feel bad for. T and I just didn't mesh well together and it really triggered my stress and anxiety. I had no patience for the kids none. I was extremely irritable and I know it's not fair to them. She was acting out most of the day and it was driving me nuts. This in turn prevented me from working which increased my stress and anxiety.  I'm sure you get the point. The thing is, I can't be mad at her. I can't blame her. She just wanted some attention and I didn't have any to give today with all the fires I was dealing with.  I just feel really bad.

I also had therapy and Couple's today. My therapy session went fine, it was mostly focused on working through the life raft incident some more. L more or less suggested I was in a no win situation. She indicated that when I ruminate on the event, I should think about the positive what ifs. She believes this I. Turn will eventually help me forgive myself.

I personally don't think I'll ever be able. How could I? Why should I? The fact of the matter is I came across a half sunken life raft which is an obvious signal of distress. I did my job and informed the Captain but did not protest when he told me to carry on. I should have protested more. At the end of the day there were two scenarios:
1) There was no one on the life raft or in the surrounding water. There were no victims and therefore no harm no foul.
2) This was a sign of distress and there were at one point in time victims on or near the life raft. I can firmly and unequivocally say that if this was the case, we would have been their only chance of survival period.

The second option to me just out weighs the first. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get over this.

Lastly, I'm having a little guilt related to my mother. It's her birthday, I forgot it was until this morning. I didn't get her anything but I got my dad something for his. I did call her but it wasn't until after most of the day was gone. The feelings of being a crappy son/human being are coming in. Rational me knows it's unwarranted but it's still there.