Buddy9832’s Journal

[buddy9832]

Thanks Three Roses, I appreciate the kind words and advice.

From the childhood perspective it feels like I've been stuck where I am and need to do and/or talk to someone to move to the next step. It just feels like I'll never be able to make that next step.

[buddy9832]

Well what a kick in the face today was. I know it's the point of therapy but we had Couple's therapy and my wounds came to the surface.

It was heavily focused on me. My relationship with my parents and emotional neglect. I know it's true but it is hard to hear. Basically I need to come to terms that they will never change. The therapist equated my relationship with my parents as how it would be growing up with alcoholic parents. She was pretty spot on. She discussed how I'm constantly seeking their  approval and love which they are not capable of giving.

She also mentioned more so that my kids are bringing up old wounds as I am more or less reliving my childhood again through my children. Again, I can't say she's wrong. T who is 2 exhibited the anger issues and destructive behaviors that have and that was incredibly hard to see. It feels like I've tainted her with my demons. Rational me understands she's 2 and not quite at the point where this would actually apply. It still hurts though.

What hurts the most is thinking about and discussing how my kids will never have a relationship with my parents. They are not capable of it. That kills me but they're not wrong. They've only seen T a handful of times and haven't seen B yet.

I've been told I am capable of being loved and respected however when that was said, I had such a sharp reaction to it. I guess I don't believe it. My inner critic has been running wild tonight. The usuals: I hate myself, you can't be loved, you are faking all this mental health stuff, etc.

Capable of being loved. It's hard to hear. I've been told that I need to mourn my family, that they will never change and use R's family for love and respect. The problem is I feel like that isn't the same nor will ever be the same. Furthermore, R's family is such a significant difference to mine. They are loving. They are invested in their grandchildren and even me for that matter. But when I am visiting the R's side of the family the dichotomy is so different that it's painful. It's like rubbing salt into a wound. Just a reminder that I can't have this. 

It has and it's going to be a hard night. I hate myself and feel like I've always been tainted and unclean.

Cheers!

[Not Alone]

Buddy, my mind feels like scrambled eggs right now, but I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion that you are experiencing that your parents are not able to connect with you emotionally or with your children. Their lack and brokenness is about them. YOU are worthy to be loved, heard, understood, and nurtured.

[buddy9832]

notalone,

Thank you for your post and your kind words.  It's been a tough night. I definitely have a bit to process and accept.

[owl25]

Buddy, that is so difficult and so painful. I know the pain you talk about. I really can relate to how painful it is to experience love or care and how that feels like salt in the wounds. It hurts when we finally do feel love from others. For me, I think sometimes I have avoided letting care in because it was so painful.

What you are going through can feel like a death. I went through some stuff with my parents too, not the same situation as you, but what is the same is the inability to emotionally connect, and to be there. My parents did care about my kids, but they were still too caught up in their own defences to really be present with them, just like it was with me when I was growing up. They were there, but not there. In your case it's another step further, not even showing any interest. That hurts, deeply.

It's not your fault that this is the situation. It's not your fault your parents are incapable of showing love. It does not mean you aren't worthy of it. It's a deficit of theirs, not yours. I know it hurts anyway, though.

Not sure if you've heard of IFS (Internal Family Systems), but I've been reading about it for a few years now and finally started IFS therapy these past couple of months. It's already making a big difference to how I feel about myself. I just wanted to share this with you in case it's something that might be helpful for you as well. The IFS is really helping me start to feel more whole within myself, and more safe and worthy of care and love. It really becomes an internalized feeling and it's amazing. It doesn't take away the grief and the pain around our FOO, and we still have to go through the grieving process. But the IFS makes it possible to do the grieving.

I'm sorry you know all this pain too. You deserved better and your children deserve better too. 

[Three Roses]

I will echo owl's recommendation of IFS. I'd ask your T if you could read a bit about it. I think it's important that you not rush things, and proceed according to your T's plan of therapy, as long as you feel it's helping. But imo IFS is really helpful at getting to the root issues, helping the children we were (and who still live within us) find the healing needed to release the pain of the past.

After an incident between my F and my youngest son who was about 4 at the time, I went VLC with them. It was sad that my children couldn't be close to one set of their grandparents, but it was better that they not have them in their lives if they were doing damage. Up until that incident, I'd always believed the problem was me, that I was somehow bad or whatever, and that's why my parents acted the way they did. After that incident, I began to realize the problem was my parents. I say this to pose the idea that maybe you're protecting your kids from harm, by not having contact with your parents.

Another thing that helped me was a book called "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Stephen Farmer, specifically the section where he guides you to create loving, healthy internal parents. Creating that resource within myself was a turning point in my life. Again, I would suggest that if you're interested in reading that, you do so with the approval of your current therapist.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time, but healing can be hard work. Worth it, most assuredly, but hard. Here's a safe if you want it.

[buddy9832]

Owl and three roses,

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I'm glad to know others can relate to me. I was actually telling R how I think I've found my niche here. I've been searching and searching. Trying to figure out where my issues had come from and couldn't really find anything. It was until I started looking at emotional neglect and saw that all the "boxes" were checked and my therapist and psychiatrist heavily hinting at PTSD that I came across here. It does make me feel better knowing that others have been in my shoes and are getting on.

As for the resources, I'll definitely give them a look. It might be a stupid question but for the IFS, I don't believe my therapist specializes in it. Does a therapist need to be specialized in that form of therapy or is it a treatment that should be readily available? After two years I've really built a trust with her and really don't want to start that process over again.

[buddy9832]

Well another day has passed. Today was significantly better than the previous two days which is obviously good and I'm thankful for that. It's strange as usually when I have rough days and things are better the next day my inner critic does its best to take charge. Typically, it is telling me to think that the previous days weren't real and that I'm making this stuff up. It is always trying to force me into a position of denial. That I don't have depression, I don't have anxiety, or cPTSD because after all other have had it worse.

I wish I could find a way to break this. Perhaps it would help me move on? I usually have trouble during this stage. Trouble detecting depression and anxiety. I more or less have a low grade degree of it all the time but I'm so used to it I barely notice it.

Of course I'm still thinking of my family, thinking of what my kids are missing but it bothers me less.

I mentioned the other day how spending time with R's family is like rubbing salt into a wound. This is true. Obviously, her family is not perfect and they have their own issues to contend with. R and her sister don't get along. R's dad has been having some health complications as of late which has required both R and A's involvement. The problem is A is wholly unqualified in the health and medical realm but still feels the need to control. She manages to take her dad's health issues and make it about her. It's very frustrating.

In addition to dealing with my family issues A has been finding ways to stir conflict. The other day she more or less stated how she's so glad that B isn't sleeping well. As it is humbling for us.

R and I are exhausted. We are sleeping on Bs floor and he's not sleeping through the night. Her comment makes me furious though. Her kids who are 6 and 2 just started sleeping through the night (literally) but more so I take deep offense with her bringing our kids into the mix. She can say all the nasty things she would like to me and R but don't bring our children into this. They don't deserve it. That behavior is unacceptable. Moreover, a major reason why B isn't sleeping through the night is because he's struggling with some GI issues that we are working through with the doctors.

The other part of me is upset. As I've lost my family and now have the privilege of inheriting this. It is just another form of salt into the wound.

I digress, I'm just happy today was better than the other days. I hope tomorrow will be the same.

[Three Roses]

Imo, while IFS is great and it's helping me a lot, it's probably best if you shelve the idea for now and just proceed with your current therapist. There is no "right" way to heal and many different, beneficial types of therapy. 

Giving advice is not allowed here because everyone is so different. In re reading my post i see where I sounded a bit advise-y. My apologies.

[buddy9832]

Hi Three Roses,

No need to apologize. I appreciate the feedback and quite frankly it's helpful learning new places to look and new ideas to recover. Ultimately, at the end of the day I understand I need to rely on my therapist and psychologist for the treatment they are providing.

[owl25]

Hi buddy, from what I understand, IFS for CPTSD does require a therapist trained in it. I think mainly because it's really hard to do on your own with CPTSD, I think it's because we need someone to show us how to do it. There is a great resource here: https://personal-growth-programs.com where you can learn/improve your own IFS skills, but again I think with CPTSD it's a lot harder and maybe not really possible to do by yourself. In terms of finding an IFS therapist, I did find it difficult to find someone, as it's not yet widely available.

All that being said, I didn't mean to suggest you needed to change what you are doing with your current therapist. Having a relationship with trust built is very valuable, and I am really glad you have that. I think I was just trying to share an additional resource and also that there is real hope and to not worry about your kids, that you can find and internalize self-worth and that you are already a different parent to them because of your awareness. I know for myself I wanted my kids to know they were loved and I tried to show them as best I could. I think I managed to do a good enough job. I am sure that this is what you are trying to do as well. Your kids will be okay.

I can imagine how angry the comment by A must make you, about you needing to be humbled, that would really upset me too. It's not a very nice line of thought and really quite hurtful. You shouldn't have to deal with things like that.

I hope you had an okay day today 

[buddy9832]

Hi Owl,

Thank you for your most recent post. I didn't interpret your previous one as you need to change the way your doing therapy. I saw it as an introduction to a new resource to check out. So thank you!

Also thank you for the words of encouragement related to my kids. That is definitely something I'm continuously sensitive about. I obviously don't want my kids to experience what I'm experiencing now. 

[buddy9832]

Today wasn't so bad. Well kind of, B has started learning how to roll over so we didn't get much sleep last night. I was in a haze most of the day.

Overall, I found the day more or less uneventful. I could sense a little bit of stress related to work but it was manageable.

I still found myself thinking about what A said regarding my children. I can't shake that comment. I suppose I'm so sensitive to it because I know R and I are doing absolutely everything we can to ensure our children are healthy, happy and comfortable.

As I've been perpetually working from home due to the pandemic, I find myself divided between spending time at work and being present with my kids. It's really hard. I felt bad today. I definitely wasn't very present for T. I was in such a fog I couldn't really function when I had down time. This made me feel guilty. She was clearly struggling today. Of course my inner critic would pick up: you're screwing her up, you're a bad parent, etc. I was able to find some time after dinner to be present. Hopefully that helped.

[buddy9832]

Another day that wasn't so bad, that makes two in a row!

Overall, it was another uneventful monotonous pandemic Saturday. Just R and I going through the same routine each day, no outside support just us. We are definitely in need of a break. As the weeks go on, I find it harder and harder to have patience with T. She is well intentioned and I fear that my impatience is going to affect her. The one thing I know for certain is that I don't want her to be like me. I don't want her to go through her childhood depressed and not even know it. I don't want her to find herself in her adult life wondering why she is so apathetic. Wondering why she is so miserable, thinking this is the way life is. Why it is awkward to talk to her parents and excruciating to say I love you and or receive that statement from her parents. Holing herself up in her apartment wasting wonderful opportunities to be with friends and not know why. Whenever I snap at her or am not present I fear I am leading her to this.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough one. It is R's grandfather's 80th birthday and I'm not looking forward to going to that function. Both her grandparents are starting to lose their filter and I've come close many times to losing my cool and yelling at them. Furthermore, R's sister A will be there. Her comment to R of how humbling it is that B doesn't sleep through the night has been weighing on me and I think I will need to say something to her tomorrow. B hasn't been sleeping through the night because he has GI issues. We've been scratching our head more or less since he was born that something isn't entirely right. We think it is an intolerance to something but we can't figure it out. We've seen multiple doctors and are still plugging away. My point is, B doesn't sleep through the night for a reason. He is very uncomfortable. He either wakes up in his own cold spit up or has gas pains due to the GI issue. The poor kid, you can tell all he wants to do is sleep but is too uncomfortable to do so.

Related to the family gathering on R's side. It is always a reminder of the family that I don't have. I think I've mentioned before it is like rubbing salt into a wound. I usually find myself doing alright for the first hour or so and then slowly shutting down and wanting to be alone. I suppose I'll have to keep everyone posted after the fact. 

[Three Roses]

Yes, please let us know how it goes. Your wife's sister has an uninformed opinion on your son's pain and discomfort. But her words seem to have really triggered something for you. It seems I am most triggered by people's negative or critical words when I fear they may be true or when I feel endangered somehow.

Pete Walker has spelled out the 4Fs of triggered behavior - fight, flight, freeze and fawn. We all seem to have each of them from time to time but according to him we may have one that is our "go-to" reaction when triggered into an EF. When I'm feeling endangered, I can go into fight mode. I can become confrontational and hostile. I don't think of how my own words will make me feel later. I don't remember if you've said you've read this so forgive me if you have, but here's a link to Walker's website where he talks about the 4Fs. http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Maybe there are grounding exercises you can use while you're at the function. Maybe your therapist can be on standby for you if you need her. In any event we're here for you and care about how you feel.