Buddy9832’s Journal

[buddy9832]

Edit: I need to add more to this because I think it is significant.

Last night R and I had a conversation on my hunting dreams. She has a theory that they are related to me running away from peace probably the biggest thing that I want. Peace of mind.

I had another hunting dream last night. The strange thing about this one is I remember quite a bit from it.

It was winter and an old childhood friend (G) was chasing after me. I believe he was trying to kill me. This friend we had a falling out with in real life. Not because of any fight or anything just because our interests and the passage of time took us on different paths.

From what I recall he was hunting me. I recall being in my red Subaru Outback (the car I own now) fleeing (not sure if that is significant, I've also had Subarus for most of my life). I also remember what I assume was a police helicopter doing a search for me. I'm not sure how it knew to look for me but I somehow managed to inform them I was in the red Subaru. Immediately afterwards I had to transition into a different car. It was like an early 2000s late 90s Subaru Outback (my first car was a 2000 Subaru Impreza, again not sure if that is significant).

I was definitely fleeing in this car. At some point, I transition out of the car and was at my college's hockey arena. It was definitely winter.  I bump into a girl I had a crush on in Jr high, let's call her M and felt the need to tell her about how G was hunting me and also how f*ed up I am. I don't believe I ever told her anything. The next thing I remember is I am back at the car. It is full of snow on the inside. I scrape out the snow but once all the snow was out it now was filled with a clay like mud.

After that I woke up. I don't know the significance of these things. In real life, again there was a falling out with G but not like a fight just the way life takes you on different paths. And as for M, she was nice to me in grade school but that was about it nothing ever went from there.

I'll have to revisit what I wrote here and take a deeper look later.

A couple more updates, I spoke with R about it. She seems convinced it has something to do with me running from my childhood. If that is the case, I'm not quite sure what I am running from. Obviously, I have my issues with my parents. I have emotional neglect, but I don't necessarily think that is related.

This dream was VERY different from my normal hunting dreams. There was no gore. I know who the hunter was and it was largely occurring over places that are familiar to me. I'm not sure if I can say this hunting dream is related to the others. That's it for now.

[rainydiary]

Thanks for sharing Buddy - I hope this leads to more understanding and healing for you.

I also have super intense dreams and at first I was tempted to say they don't have a theme but they do.  My intense dreams are always relationship based and tend to reveal something my brain has been ignoring, my brain thinks or desires, or the deep desire to be heard and believed.  I never thought about this being related to what led to CPTSD so that is something I hope to think about.

I woke up in the middle of the night from an intense dream that I don't remember.  What I recall thinking is how charged up my body was and how even at night I get little peace from CPTSD.  Maybe the dreams are our bodies' ways of working out things it couldn't work out before...

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I definitely agree with you. I think it is something my brain is trying to tell me or work out. Unfortunately, I just don't have a clue what it is. I try to crack it but they're usually a little too cryptic. I presume it may be to talk to my parents, share my story and move on but at the same token the dreams rarely seem related to that. I'm hoping as I log the dreams I can start parsing through them and get a better understanding.

They're certainly thematic. They are hunting dreams in some way shape or form where someone is out to kill or capture me. Usually I don't know who is chasing me. It's not always the case but there are frequent reoccurring places the dreams occur. The person chasing me never catches up to me. Lastly, it doesn't matter how gore, grotesque, or realistic the dream is they're never disturbing to me. I don't feel afraid in the dreams and when I wake up, I'm not sure if it's because I'm used to it now but a typically think something the affect of here we go again another hunting dream then move on.



Today had been a day of ups and downs. The morning started off alright. R is working tonight so I wanted to make sure I spent time with T in the morning. She seems to be better when she gets undivided attention first thing. We played outside, played with kites, etc. It felt like a good day and she was well behaved most of the day until mom went to work. For whatever reason she wouldn't listen to me. I tried to frame things in a manner in which she was "helping" me. Nothing seemed to work. I know she needed attention but at the time I didn't have attention to give. I was trying to get her brother to sleep. Let's just say tonight failed miserably and I could feel the anger building.

The other day I bought her a large 48 piece puzzle because she expressed that she was bored of the puzzles she has. I figured this would be great for her however, she didn't want anything else I do with it. It was just a struggle all night. I was having a hard time keeping calm.

My boss whom I respect quite well, is leaving next week. As a result I have inherited some of her projects. I feel like while in quarantine there's nothing I can do to stay ahead or keep my head above the water. I try to go to bed early so I can get up early. No matter what I do, it seems like I can't go to bed before 11. Most nights B doesn't sleep through the night which just saps the energy from me the next day. To add to that my final for my masters class is due this weekend. Due to life, it feels like I haven't been able to dedicate anytime to finishing the work.

This was a long tangent to say work and school were at the forefront of my mind. I could feel the time and missed opportunities ticking away. I know that sounds terrible and it feels terrible writing it. It's just incredibly frustrating.

I definitely have more to say tonight but I should call it to catch some sleep. Hopefully I can carve out some time tomorrow to journal the other things I've been thinking about.

[marta1234]

Sending a  for all the effort and work you've been doing recently. I hear you trying to make the best out of it. Sending you lots of support and hopefully you can find some time to rest 

[Hope67]

Hi Buddy,
I also wanted to comment that I think you're facing so many things at the moment - I can understand that it is frustrating, and sending you a hug of support - if that's ok 

Regarding your dreams, I remember someone saying to me in the forum somewhere, that it was the emotion felt within the dream that was significant, but I notice you don't have any memory of any emotive reaction - maybe there's a part of you who guards that, to prevent you from feeling it?  I don't know, and I hope you don't mind my attempting to say something - I struggle with understanding my own dreams, but I know they can be potent in terms of piecing fragments together, or having themes to think about. 

I hope you get a chance to have a rest.

Hope 

[buddy9832]

Thanks marta and Hope, I appreciate it.

I certainly do appreciate your feedback on my dreams. I've been having these for years and still can't seem to figure them out. As far as emotion is involved, I think that's quite valid and I'm sure there is a part that guards it.

Most of my childhood I can recall muting my emotions (except anger). I'm assuming that has something do with growing up in a rather stoic family. I've never cried at the death of a family member (or anyone for try at matter), even close family members. Ive always found that disturbing. In the depths of my depression, I am absolutely apathetic. I'm sure it is a part that is trying to protect me from something.


I feel like I have much to write and at the same time nothing at all. I apologize for not posting for a while. It's been hard to find motivation to post. It feels like I either want to post something but my IC beats that down (like I'm not worthy) or I just don't have anything to talk about.

It's been a hard past couple of days. The kids have been very difficult to manage and I've found I've had little to no patience for them. I know it's not fair to them but I can't seem to shake my frustration and irritability. R yesterday more or less told me to step aside because she felt that I was being too much of the "bad cop". I can't say I disagree with her. I've mostly been correcting infractions of the litany of rules if you will. At the end of the day, I know the kids don't deserve that and I can't help but feeling like a worthless father. I feel like I'm falling into the trap of my parents and as a result the kids will be inevitably like me.

Related, I've been feeling waves of guilt. It was my mom's birthday this week. I didn't get her anything (quite frankly I forgot until the day of) however I did get my dad something on his birthday. I did call her, but the conversation as usual was superficial. Furthermore, it sounds like my grandmother's dementia is getting worse. I haven't spoken to her in months.

I had Couple's around this time and couldn't help but feel a degree of anger over the position I'm in. I felt anger towards my parents that they left, that they don't put an effort with my kids yet they don't want them to forget about them. That now that I don't have a family, my family is now my In laws. That whenever there's dysfunction  on their side or a behavior that is not what my parents do I can't help but feel defeated or angry. Then I feel guilty.

Guilty that I feel this way even on my mother's birthday. Guilty that her son doesn't have the foresight to get her something. Guilty that the kids will never have a relationship with them.

[buddy9832]

I had another hunting nightmare last night.

More or less R and I were by a strip mall or something and there was an active shooter. A cop was killed and R and I were pinned down. I don't know who the active shooter was. Another note related to it, is that R and I tried to actively fight the active shooter.

That's it for now. I don't recall context or anything leading up to it.

[buddy9832]

//=========TW DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE

So fair warning this entire post is likely to be a TW for the topic of suicide.








I wanted to talk about something very uncomfortable today and that is suicide and particularly veteran suicide. I feel the need to just have a brain dump so if things aren't exactly coherent, I apologize. None of this is for me to say I'm above this. I certainly have had my low points and struggles.

The topic has been on my mind as of late. The other day a person I follow on Instagram made a comment of how the veteran suicide rate has now risen to 27.7 deaths by suicide per 100,000 veterans. Furthermore, a friend of mine, the friend that I had to take to the hospital for suicidal ideations, confessed that he was almost a statistic last month. This shocked me as the long standing number was 22/100,000. I wouldn't be surprised in your passing you may have heard something like the 22 or veteran organizations that include the word 22 in it. At the time it was the all sobering statistic of how big of a problem that is. That number has risen and the number has risen significantly. To put that in a different context the US veteran community in 2019 totaled 8% of the population. It may be 8% but the veteran community consists of 18% of all suicides in the US.

I couldn't believe it so I had to pull the VA annual report on suicide prevention myself. The numbers are all there. Suicide continues to be a major problem in the veteran community and the numbers have risen significantly.

This leads me to believe that there is something systemically flawed in this community. It leads me to believe that the military and military organizations are doing a disservice to their service members. I can only call up on my own experiences and obviously they were largely negative.

I recall how difficult it was getting out and transitioning into the civilian world. Those were an incredibly hard 6 months. I felt like a loser. Being an independent lieutenant in the Navy to being the loser living in my in-laws basement with no job, no purpose, no direction. I took the mandatory transitioning class which is supposed to help you look for jobs. What's the best advice I got from it? Keep your face clean shaven. Disservice is an understatement.

You are property to the military. A tool to be used and abused. Some tools break and are never able to return home again, others become damaged and need to be repaired and all have wear and tear. When they are done with you hopefully they can find minimal means to repairing you into semiworking  order.  Duct tape usually fixes all wounds.

Despite what you hear mental health is frowned upon in the military. The individual who I took to the hospital? Word spread and he wasn't treated the same. He wasn't even given a real chance afterwards to work on his professional qualifications. No one wanted to invest the time into him. Many saw him as a burden to the ship and the mission. Very little focus was spent on the individual. One of my sailors was an addict. When they found out he was using, they dishonorably discharged him and sent him to rehab. When he relapsed during rehab they kicked him out of that.

I bare no scars from combat. At the time, I didn't consider my burdens and experiences as traumatic  but my demons really started to surface around the year before getting out. They got worse once I was out. Taking care of my mental health was non-existent at the time but looking back on it the warning signs were all there. It would have been extremely helpful, to get mandatory mental health treatment before you get out. You get mandatory dental so why not for your mind? I probably wouldn't have appreciated it at the time but I would have been a little more prepared in dealing with myself when I got out. I would have at least been told/given a few tools to help myself. In the interim i would have likely forgotten about the tools but I'm sure they would have still been available in the back of my head.

This is not to toot my own horn or looking for attention or sympathy but in my short 31 years of life; I know of at least two colleagues on the ships I served who committed suicide, two colleagues that I worked with professionally, and one person's son from my FIL small family run business. That's five too many but my point is, I'm sure I'm not the only one and it is a systemic problem.

Last for now, I was told by my T for my sake to break ties with my friend I took to the hospital. At the time, I found even after the Navy, I felt responsible for his mental health. I would worry one day I would find out he committed the act and I would somehow have a degree of responsibility related to it. As messed up as it sounds breaking ties was probably a good move on my part for my own health. This individual recently got back in contact with me (the same individual who claimed he was almost a statistic). I can't help but feel a degree of responsibility resurge again. I'm not sure where I stand on this. Morbidly, I wonder how I'd feel today if something were to happen. Would I still feel like I have a degree of responsibility or would it not even effect me?

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I appreciate you putting these thoughts out there.  This topic has also been on my mind for a variety of reasons but mostly because that is how my BIL died late last year.

I come from a military family and my brothers are active duty.  My dad and my brothers have all experienced losses to suicide.  Based on the way my dad talks about it, your thoughts around a systemic challenge resonate with me.  My brothers discuss it differently than my dad does but it is so painful.

I work in public schools and just yesterday another student in our community died this way this past weekend.  The topic comes up way more than I would like it to on top of us having to do other traumatic things like active shooter drills.  I was reflecting recently how any of my colleagues continue to show up to work when so much is thrown at us that takes this huge emotional toll. 

It is hard to heal in this context.  I don't have answers or solutions but hope that by working to heal myself it will create a ripple effect and impact the lives of those I meet.  I appreciate the work you are doing.  I think it is good to toot your horn. 

[buddy9832]

Well today has been tough. We're just getting off one of R's work rotations. She works two nights and I more or less watch the kids for three strait days. I was fortunate that my MIL was able to take T but quite frankly it still isn't enough. I feel like I'm a broken record but I'm tired. I'm sick of this quarantine, I'm sick of barely working, I'm sick of feeling like a single dad at times. I'm just getting burnt out.

Last night B woke up crying. He has an Owlet which Is a remote O2 and Heart Beat sensor. It displays the results on your phone and it also tells you when your child is awake. I was tending to B, just got him to sleep and then R called me from work to make sure I was tending to B. The phone call startled me and I could feel rage just wash over me. It feels like I can't be trusted to parent. I know it's not what R meant, she just wanted to make sure we were ok but I couldn't get over it. What was supposed to be a 30 min interaction to get B to sleep turned into and hour and a half. I was getting more and more angry by e minute.

She comes home from work. Obviously she needs to sleep. I am on kid duty and like most days I need to find a way to manage a toddler and 6 month old while holding professional calls with clients. One call today was a train wreck. More or less we schedule a call to go over scientific data with the client and found out that the scientific team never even performed the experiments. It was a train wreck that could be easily prevented. While I'm on this call trying to keep the peace, I have B to my left squealing as he plays with his toys and T in my face to get me to help her with something. I was obviously in a mood.

Later in the day I had to get B to sleep. He's been very clingy as of late and most naps during the day involve him sleeping on me in his pitch black room while I try to get work done. I have to dim my computer to the lowest setting and put a red filter on it so it won't screw up my night vision and wake up B. He's just been fighting me to sleep as of late. I put him down in the crib and he would just lose his mind. I would get more and more frustrated.

R confronted me later in the day and said that my attitude needs to stop. That it's not fair to the kids. I can't say I blame her because I'm well aware that it's not good for the kids. In fact it bothers me. I can't shake the irritability and funk and it visibly shows but I just think about how my irritability is just setting the kids up for failure.

What frustrates me more is how I feel I don't get help (she obviously feels the same way) and if I look at it objectively I'm sure it's more due to quarantine than anything else. Even on the days R is not working I feel I take the brunt of the responsibility for child care. She obviously needs to feed B but I feel like I am constantly juggling the kids, trying to hold professional calls and somehow getting work done.

I'm getting sick of at best getting 4 hours of work done a day. I have a lot of fires to put out and as of late need to play diplomat between the client and others at my company. My perfectionist side is just screaming at me. I can't get any time in to work. There's problems going on with my projects. I feel like I don't have a full beat on the status of my projects and can never keep up with my work. I should be making up the work I miss either at night or early the next morning but this is usually impossible to do.

Im just so tired, burnt out and frustrated. I'm sick of quarantine. I'm sick of having no boundaries. Work/home/family time/downtime (if there is any) is all the same thing. I know objectively R feels the same way I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of.  I also feel like an a*hole for thinking my wife who works nights is taking advantage of me. I don't think I'll ever win.

[rainydiary]

Buddy, that is a lot!  I experienced frustration alongside of you.  That is a lot to balance and manage.  I don't have any words of wisdom just that I resonate with how hard you are working and still feeling alone and like things are not going as you would hope.  I hope that things can come into balance again soon.

[buddy9832]

//=========TW========•=

So the past couple of nights I've been having unsettling thoughts and I kind of just want to get it out of my head. Two nights ago before going to bed I visited T to kiss her goodnight. For whatever reason after visiting her I couldn't shake the thought of her suffocating in her bed and me finding her unresponsive. There was no reason for me to think this way the thoughts just came in.

Last night, while I was showering I was thinking about how we need to get our septic tank drained and inspected. Again my thoughts went from this is a todo that we need to do to envisioning T falling into the septic tank. I had to two thought processes related to it. Either one I somehow find a way to jump into the septic tank with her and keep her afloat or two I try to get into the septic tank but due to the manhole cover being so small I would t be able to get in.

On the first scenario I couldn't help but envisioning myself treading water to hold her up until I couldn't any longer. In the second, I couldn't help but feel the sheer helpless ness of me trying to help T and not being able to do a damn thing. In typical fashion in morbid realism my thoughts watch her drown in sewage.

These thoughts are obviously quite disturbing to me. I believe it's my brain of trying to "punish" me and make me feel pain. After all R and I got into a fight the other day so why not feel worse than I already do right?

There's plenty of days where I just hate my brain. Hate how it thinks. Hate how it defaults to the macabre. I think it's a way of trying to keep myself in check. Almost like don't forget you're not worthy so I'll throw these morbid thoughts your way.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing these thoughts.  I have intrusive thoughts like this from time to time too.  It is unsettling and creepy.  I hope getting the thoughts "out" helps ease them some. 

[Three Roses]

Here's some info on catastrophizing - https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing/

[buddy9832]

//=======TW==========

Well today has been interesting to say the least. I got a call this morning from my mom. I found out my cousin ODed. She was found dead behind a store by train tracks. She's been an addict for as long as I can remember. I can't say I wasn't expecting this day to come but it still sucks.

Like most deaths to be honest I don't feel anything and it kind of disturbs me. I feel bad for my mom. She now only has one niece left who's also an addict. There's basically no one left in my family. And I feel nothing.

We were close growing up. We used to go to my grandmother's house for regular sleepovers and cookouts. As we got older both my cousins got into drugs and life has not been easy on them. My cousin leaves behind multiple children who are young. I feel bad for them as they no longer have a mother.

J, my living cousin, has serious mental health issues in addition to addiction problems. As coarse as it sounds I won't be surprised to hear if she ODs or commits suicide. As to the latter I feel divided. Part of my knows that this is a very real risk for my cousin (whom I haven't spoken to in years). Part of me wants to do something, but the other part of me knows nothing will change. I stopped having contact with my cousins after I became convinced they wouldn't change. They would lie to get money from my grandfather and end up using it to buy drugs. I obviously don't want my family involved in that.

And as usual, I feel nothing. I know I should feel sad, but I'm not. I feel bad for my mom yes. It is painful to yet again to acknowledge the  dwindling family that remains. But as to my cousin, I feel nothing.