Buddy9832’s Journal

[owl25]

Glad you had a better day a second time in a row 

Tomorrow sounds stressful. Hopefully you can keep things manageable.

You won't screw your kids up. You are aware of how not to parent, and you won't be like your parents were. That in and of itself puts you ahead of the game. 

[buddy9832]

Hi Three Roses,

Thank you for sending the link along. I did come across it before and it was definitely a good read. I read it for a refresher today.

Owl,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really hope so. Every time I see a reminder of my childhood in them or am not present  it's the first place my mind goes.

[buddy9832]

As expected today was a pretty rough day. I am sufficiently exhausted from the day. For starters R and I got no sleep, probably 3 or 4 hours if we were lucky. Both kids just would not sleep. We couldn't get them down until 2.

I found myself getting stressed leading up to going over R's parents. I kept going over in my head how the scenario would go down when I confronted A. I was planning on speaking to A tactfully but R talked me down.  With her father being sick she didn't want to place added stress on him. I know she's right but it just made the day a little tougher.

We got there exchanged pleasantries and almost immediately I shut down. I didn't want to engage with anyone especially A and I just wanted to be alone. I guess this was very noticeable. R kept on checking in and requesting me to be less secluded. It was quite hard. I don't think I really ever came out of my shell.

Of course I had to listen to the same conversations that I hate. It's always what is the most confrontational thing to be discussed and obviously it was largely focused on the protests and riots. R's grandparents and father definitely discussed the topics with a degree of ignorance, I won't get into it. Furthermore, the typical discussions of so and so lost 30 lbs traveling because x,y, and z (great topic in the presence of my wife who is recovering from anorexia) or so and so died.  It's  so terrible because x,y,z and oh that person was having an affair with so and so. I try my best to tune out these conversations but it can be so hard.

Moving on, it was difficult watching the cousins play with each other. They're 6, 2.5, and 2. Watching them play reminded me of my childhood. How I would go to Nana and Papa's house just about every Sunday for a cookout or dinner. It was especially triggering watching them ride little scooters. I don't know why but it had such a connection to my early childhood with my cousins at my grandparents house. I remember playing  at their house with my cousins probably doing the same things. I couldn't help but feel sad and guilty. I can't put my finger on the guilt but I assume the sadness is due to the reminder of the family I don't have. (Next sentence could be a TW). Fast forward to present day my aunt ODed on heroine a couple years ago and her daughters are serious addicts. (End of TW.).

I spoke with R about this sadness and guilt. She is wonderful and is really trying to understand these feelings  but she really can't wrap her head around the guilt nor can I really explain it. I suppose it is the guilt of joining the Navy, moving away, and not having the greatest relationship with my parents. I don't know.

Lastly, I couldn't help but be irritated at A. She spent the day like nothing was amiss. She would make eyes to her husband when T didn't want to share. I kind of got the impression of what great parents, they're raising a lovely daughter.

Also frustratingly, R's dad tends to blindly defend A regardless of what the situation is. He asked R why I was so recluse, she stated because I was mad at A for the comment the other day. He proceeded to state that A was joking and didn't mean it. After knowing R's side of the family for 10 years, I know she meant it and I know she wasn't joking especially given the context of how it happened. More so, it is extremely frustrating to me that you will still come to the aid of your grown daughter and not feel the need to defend your grandchildren. I feel like he was stating the my son's health is a joke. R and I are at our wits end. We've been telling doctors and others that something isn't entirely right and people are either dismissive or the solutions we have, haven't solved anything. We've been isolated during this pandemic with no support from anyone. It's just been R and I everyday all day taking care of the kids. No breaks nothing. It frustrates me that he would make a comment about how my son is fine and A was joking when I can count on my hand the number of times they've visited him.

[buddy9832]

What an evening.

The day started out fine. I was able to get a lot of work done while sitting with B in the nursery.  It was a beautiful day, perfect for having the windows open. The children were great, my boss told me I'm doing great at work which i find I need affirmation from others all the time.

Then this evening things got tough. I went to the basement to get a popsicle for T and I to have on the steps. I was planning on cooking dinner afterwards. When I went to the freezer I found that everything thawed. It was still refrigerated temp but it all thawed. We had to cook a bunch of meat to preserve it longer.

The tough part was my wife had a large store of breast milk for B. It was to be used when she eventually went back to work. All of it was thawed and all of it needs to get thrown away. It took weeks and months to have an adequate supply now there's nothing. Obviously, R took it incredibly hard. I was just at a loss as to who left the freezer door open. It was probably me. I

I know this is definitely first world problems, especially considering the current situation of the world but I felt pretty bad for R. Her mom came over to watch the kids while we trying to figure out what the next steps were.

When it came time for J (R's mom) to leave, T was losing her mind. She kept saying "let me go with you!"  I can't help but feel guilty. Am I not creating a suitable environment for her? As a result am I setting  her up the foundation for the issues I am now dealing with thirty years later? Am I that bad of a parent?

What hurts the most is knowing that my parents will never experience that. I know it is their choice but it is still painful. What's hardest is seeing what T is missing out on. It's a disservice to her and she's a wonderful and amazing young lady.

I wonder if this is a trigger from my past or it is the guilt related to it all.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Jazzy]

That's a difficult situation, but it sounds like your IC is taking advantage of it. Accidents like this happen, I'm sure you all will make it through. Hope you feel better soon!

[buddy9832]

It was a therapy day today. I had a lot to talk about, a lot to get off my chest.

I am finding it very hard to get over those comments that A said. It has been about a week and I still can't get over it. L told me I should find a way to let it go as it is only harming me and A probably has already forgotten about it. I guess I don't know how to? I guess you could consider it rumination?

It just makes me so angry that she would be so petty to bring our kids into the mix. Focused at bringing R down. L said that perhaps A's comments triggered something in me. I don't know I guess. I wouldn't even have the foggiest idea what the trigger would be from a cPTSD perspective.

Overall, I'd like to consider myself a pretty easy going guy. From the outside world nothing really bothers me too much and usually I can let things go.  The amount of crap I had to deal with in the Navy very little phases me from the outside world. With that said, there are a few hot button items that I just can't let go. I guess this is one of them.

I don't think I know how to let this go. I rationally understand that no one is being affected by this other than myself. But I can't let it go. I do have a tendency to be extremely harsh on myself and more or less continually punish myself? Is it that and how do I get over that? I've been like that my entire life. L suggested that perhaps with all the guilt and sadness I carry this is my way of paying penance. But the punishment never ends nor does forgiveness come.

I also discussed how Couple's therapy went. How it was very hard. How I need to come to terms that my parents aren't going to change. It's tough when every time I spend with R's family is a constant reminder of the family I don't have.

Maybe I'm so upset with A because my blood family is gone and the only thing I have left is R's side. I go from one distinction, the emotional neglect, to this distinction.

Lastly, I spoke with L about how I find myself, especially on the good days, quick to dismiss all my mental health issues. That I don't have cPTSD, depression and anxiety. I think in my guess I need to get a complete diagnosis on the books as this will at least help me accept my condition.

[buddy9832]

That's a difficult situation, but it sounds like your IC is taking advantage of it. Accidents like this happen, I'm sure you all will make it through. Hope you feel better soon!

Thanks Jazzy, I do feel better today but of course I'm focusing on the next problem. It definitely seems as of late I have a hard time controlling my IC.

[owl25]

Hi buddy, A's comments would have rankled with me too. The thing that comes to mind with it for me is that she's somehow taking pleasure in your misfortune. That she feels you deserve to be going through this difficulty with B. It's not a kindness on her part. It's spiteful and hurtful. It's judgmental. It's showing that she doesn't care about you or wish you well. Maybe it's her own outer critic. If someone said something like that to me, I would be stewing on it for a long time as well, and I would have difficulty letting it go. I think it would always be there for me. It's because of the injustice of it. It reminds me of one time where I was in tears because I was sick and exhausted, and my 1 year old took so much out of me and it was more than I could manage. My mother seemed to take pleasure in this, that she'd gone through that and now it was my turn. I was really hurt by that. How could she wish for me to feel so awful, how could that make her happy? My T tried to reframe it as it being a form of validation for my mother, who likely never got that. I had difficulty taking that on board. You just don't do that. You don't tell a person they deserve to go through a hard time. It just feels like there's an undercurrent of resentment towards you when that happens. When you've done nothing to warrant it. It feels like an attack on the person you are. At least that is how I experienced it. It made me so angry. I think underneath it all, you are feeling hurt and angry by her comments, and it makes total sense to me that you are. It's likely reminding you of past treatment by your parents at some level, even if you can't pinpoint it to anything specific. It's the sentiment that's opening up old wounds. And you can't let it go, I imagine, because you need to be able to stand up for your family and say to her, "what you said was not okay, and I am angry about it" - and for it to be heard and not dismissed by her. The trouble is not being able to get angry and stand up for ourselves, at least, that would be my difficulty, and it sounds like you were having difficulty with this as well for very understandable reasons. I think that's why we can't let these things go, they rankle so much, and we get stuck because we are afraid to assert ourselves and speak out, likely because that made things worse for us as children. Over time I have grown a bit stronger but it's still hard, but if it happened to me today I would try to say something. I would not be able to a year or more ago. You might not be there yet. But maybe you could practice in your mind what you would like to say to her, and how you would handle possible responses from her. Maybe confronting her in your imagination can help some with this. You and your family deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and she didn't show that with her comment.

[buddy9832]

Thank you owl for sharing your story. It's always good to know I'm not going through these type of things alone. I'm sorry to hear you had a similar experience with your mother. I would have been hurt and livid.

And thank you for the affirmation that our family should be treated with love and respect. I guess the other thing is that with this whole pandemic thing. It's just R and I. We've been at our wits end, we've needed a break months ago but obviously can't get the help. I'm sure that's playing into it as well.

I'm convinced I've been emotionally neglected. I know it comes with the territory I just wish I could remember the context of why I'm being triggered.

[buddy9832]

A good day to log for the books!

I need to remind myself on days like these that everything is not ok. I think this is how I go from 0-60 with my issues. On days like this I forget that cPTSD, depression and anxiety are there. I guess I want to forget about it for a while and think that I'm "normal". The problem is these are the periods where I question my health the most. My IC is great at convincing me that I'm making all this stuff up.

//=========TW==========
I remember there was a time I was in my car by myself. My brain was thinking about the concept of suicide. Not really envisioning myself but the act itself. I remember my IC convincing me that my IC was making everything up for the attention. I was in my car with no one there. Who am I trying to get attention from.

//====== END OF TW========

Twistedly, during these days when all is going well I find myself almost longing to go back to my state of depression and misery. I assume it's because it's familiar. It's no secret I have low self esteem and quite frankly don't look too fondly of myself. I wonder if it is again my way of punishing myself for my "my past sins" (the extreme guilt and shame).

I don't know how I'll ever overcome that guilt and shame. I don't know how I'll come to point where I look highly of myself.

On a separate note, I FaceTimed my parents today and it was actually a pleasant conversation. A while back they gave me my old Tonka truck toys to pass down to T. This is the first time I broke them out and had her play with them. I wanted to share the experience with them.
Even though  the conversation was pleasant, I still have to remind myself nothing has changed. The emotional neglect is still there, the conversations will never evolve past the superficial, and that I still have trouble connecting with them.

[Not Alone]

My IC is great at convincing me that I'm making all this stuff up.



Twistedly, during these days when all is going well I find myself almost longing to go back to my state of depression and misery. I assume it's because it's familiar.

I also struggle with feeling like I'm making all this stuff up. As much as I enjoy those rare good days, it feels so separate from the pain of the trauma. The tough days fit or almost affirm the reality of the trauma. Not sure if that makes sense or fits for you.

[buddy9832]

]

I also struggle with feeling like I'm making all this stuff up. As much as I enjoy those rare good days, it feels so separate from the pain of the trauma. The tough days fit or almost affirm the reality of the trauma. Not sure if that makes sense or fits for you.

It makes total sense to me! Thank you!

[buddy9832]

Another good day. This is right around when I start feeling uncomfortable. Why should I have a few good days in a row? My mind doesn't feel like I deserve this. Why can't I just go back to feeling depressed and miserable?

Sometimes happiness is very uncomfortable for me. There is a big part of me that feels I am not worthy. I need to atone for my past sins and punish myself. I know it's twisted. I wouldn't place these expectations on anyone else nor do I feel like I am superior to others. I guess I just always feel unclean and unforgivable.

But today was a great day. B's weight dropped off of the WHO curve. He went from 50th percentile to second in weight. We are convinced this is largely to do with his spit up and GI issues. We've been working at a solution for a long time and we think we are finally starting to see the benefits. His weight is healthily beginning to increase and he is now starting to sleep through the night (5 hours or so). This makes a world of difference to R and I.

Even though I've been sleeping on the floor in B's room the extra sleep was incredibly helpful. I'm usually a morning person but as we haven't been sleeping; this has no longer been a reality. I was able to get up at 5AM and have some solid time to crank through work (which is a huge stressor and place of anxiety for me). My perfectionism screams at me during the work day. If I am not being completely productive I feel like I am failing (which is not the case). My mind always goes to losing my job and being out of work for an extended period of time. Not being able to support my family and eventually becoming homeless. I know it's irrational but this is where it goes each time.

The perfectionism and my IC were fairy quite today and that made a difference. I am quite skeptical though. I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I shouldn't be this happy or have this many good days. What am I missing?

[buddy9832]

Just need to jot this down so I don't forget. I've had one of those hunting dreams last night. Usually, either I don't have them or I know I had them but forget the details when I wake up since taking MiniPress.

My memory of the dream is albeit foggy but I remember some details. It was almost like I was in a war zone with comrades. We were holed up in a house I believe defeated getting carted off to prison. I'm sure in the dream there was fighting before hand but I don't recall. As usual I don't recall being stressed out or scared either in the dream or when I wake up.

The interesting thing is there should be nothing war related that stimulates my mind. I don't watch violent movies, I don't play violent video games, etc. Nor this is something I'm interested in. That type of life of mine is longer over and died when I got out of the Navy.

This dream was tame compared to most of my hunting dreams but I at least want to start cataloging them.

[buddy9832]

I think I'll keep it short today. Overall, it was an uneventful day. Again it wasn't that bad which always make me uncomfortable. It just doesn't feel right or normal.

T's behavior today brought up some reminders of my childhood. She was having a rough day and apparently she hit R in the head with a toy hard enough to leave an egg. Rational me understands she's two and really isn't at a point where she can understand but it was a reminder of my anger issues as a child.

When I read her a story before bed. I read to her from a book which she tore the page. The pages were taped to stay together. Another reminder of things I did as a kid because I was so angry.

It's hard to see. Again, I don't think she has the mental capacity yet to understand but it terrifies me to think she's inheriting my flaws and demons. One of the biggest things I hope for her is not to be like me. That she will grow up happy and not carry the burden and pain that I carry.