Buddy9832’s Journal

[Snowdrop]

I can understand your fears around T based on your own experiences. What comes across to me, however, is the love and compassion you have for her.

[buddy9832]

Thank you Snowdrop, I appreciate it. She is my world, both kids are my world. It's always tough to relive my childhood through her.

[owl25]

I can relate to those fears. It must be so triggering for you. I am sure there are moments where she's happy and contented too. She does have a parent who cares very deeply for her 

[buddy9832]

Thank you owl!

[buddy9832]

I thought today was going to end on a high note. Today was another day that wasn't so bad.

Tonight I was putting away B's laundry and I came across a pair of overalls that he has. This reminded me that my parents bought both T and B matching overalls but they've just been hiding in the laundry not even taken from the box.

Guilt washes over me. I'm a horrible son, my parents may not be emotionally available but they do their best in their own way to show they care and I just hide/forget about their gifts. By the time I'll get around to breaking out those overalls both kids will have outgrown them.

I can't help but feel guilty for the position I am in. I chose to join the Navy and life away from family. I chose this knowing that life doesn't stop and in my case life caught up with who remained with my family. It feels selfish that I made those decisions and now that I'm home and out, I am suffering the repercussions of my decisions. I have no more family and that is something I will carry for the rest of my life. My parents moved away because there was nothing here left for them.

Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

The same token I've been emotionally neglected for as long as I can remember. In all other ways they were loving.  That neglect has caused so much pain over the years and I didn't even have the skills to identify it. Rational me knows it's not my fault. But I can't help but feel the burden and accept the repercussions for my failings.

[owl25]

The guilt is so hard. It's very difficult to come to terms with choices we made as a result of family dynamics, and the sad things that happened along the way. I think the guilt shows though despite it all how much you love your parents and family.

[buddy9832]

Thanks you owl, I appreciate it. I would say if there is one thing that characterizes me it is guilt. There's always guilt and on some level I'm always trying to atone for my failings.

Obviously, I care about my parents and family but at the same token there is nothing there. The few times I have been with them in my adult life I feel empty. I feel paranoid or at least I have a hard time trusting them in person.  That definitely doesn't help the guilt.

I struggle to trust them, to connect with them but they are well intentioned. It's hard to comprehend.

[buddy9832]

Well today's not even over yet and I'm finding myself incredibly irritable and angry. Is this because of how last night ended, the guilt?

I'm finding that I have very little patience for anyone especially my kids today. R mentioned something nice that A was doing for her daughter and the first thing that popped in my mind was to be combative and find some way to discredit her. I can't even stand my dog today and he's not even doing anything. I guess I just want to be alone be angry in solitude.

I hate it when I feel this way but it is also very difficult to come down from once I have it. I'll probably have some degree of anger and irritability for the rest of the day. It's almost like the anxious/stressed feeling I have where my chest feels tight, I can't shut off my mind, I'm on edge, etc. but this is obviously coupled with anger.

Am I being triggered through my children? Is this an emotional flashback? If so, I wish I knew the context behind it. I wish there was a way for me to dig deeper into my childhood but I have very little memory of it at this time.

When I do watch home movies of my childhood in an attempt to kickstart my memory, the "fond" memories are nothing but sadness.

I can't figure myself out today nor do I want to be me today.

[buddy9832]

Definitely an anger filled Sunday. The rest of the day didn't change much. I've been irritable and angry most of the day. The kids have been tough but otherwise I don't know why I'm so angry.

R broke down crying tonight. She's nervous as she will be going back to work soon (as a night shift ICU nurse on the COVID floor) that I won't be ok. I fee like I'll manage but these days are getting tougher and tougher. I'm also not really good at knowing myself. Perhaps I'm not ok?

I don't believe this is the initial cause of my anger today, but I find myself getting angry at the situation we're in. R's sister has two support groups (grandparents from both sides) and a nanny whereas R and I have nothing. It's just us. R's parents have promised that they would provide support but they just bought a vacation house and are dealing with R's dad's health. Time and time again they've been predictable. They have promised help (and to a small degree they have ) but nothing to the degree they verbally commit too.

We won't get any help and we will continue to be on our own. Taking care of both kids with no break, while R works on a COVID floor and has school. While I continue to work from home, take care of the kids at the same time, and attend school myself.

It just make me angry, I can't even bring my parents into the equation as they haven't been helpful but it feels like when all of this is said and done I want to convey to them how they left us (R's parents) to drown when we needed their help the most. How they've lost the privilege to be apart of our children's lives (I won't. Nor do I think I could be that vindictive).

Again, this doesn't explain where the anger started from this morning. I am really struggling to find the root cause. Additionally, it's been very difficult to come down from it.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, Buddy. Your situation sounds very frustrating.

[buddy9832]

Thank you snowdrop, it definitely is.

I met with my psychiatrist today. I spoke to her about cPTSD and her thoughts on it.  She seems aware/on board with it. It's nice to know I have the support of psychiatrist.

Today wasn't so bad. I mainly was rehashing the past month in my head and obviously discussing it with my psychiatrist. I still can't get over A and her comments about B. I want to move on but it struck a nerve.

R's parents apparently spoke to her to check in on me. They expressed how they'd like to be a parent figure for me. As much as I appreciate it that feels like it will be a very large obstacle for me to overcome. I just can't get comfortable with other people past a certain point. My wife is one thing but everyone else it seems like I get to a point in a relationship with someone and it stops there.

I don't really understand it, but it is deeply uncomfortable to proceed any further forward once reaching that point. I don't get it. I know it's something with me. I can't even say I love you to my parents. It's incredibly uncomfortable for me.

I'm sure there is something deeply rooted in me. I just wish I could peel back the onion to understand.

[buddy9832]

So I've been AWOL for the last day or so. Yesterday was quite mundane. Nothing happened either in my personal life or related to my mental health. I need to remind myself to keep journaling on those days as it'll probably be my best chance at learning something new from my past.

Today wasn't so bad either. On a positive note, I had a small victory. I've mentioned before I am notoriously bad at sending my emotions until they explode. Today was a day that could have potentially been one of my anxiety, stress filled days but instead it wasn't.

Work for me is usually a trigger of my anxiety. It's really the perfectionist part in me. If something goes wrong, if I forget to do something, I feel like I failed and it hits me hard. But today was different. A lot went wrong with work today, in fact I told R I was dealing with a few dumpster fires. This would have been most certainly been a major trigger for me. But for whatever reason I was able to sense when I was getting stressed out, when my mind was racing, and chest was tightening and was able to manage it. I have no idea why today was different compared to other similar days but it did make a difference. I hope I'll be able to repeat this again in the future.

Perfectionism and work for me definitely go hand and hand. I know perfectionism is a symptom of emotional neglect but I'm not sure why from the emotional neglect perspective I developed it. I do know that my father was out of work for years growing up and that instilled in me a perfectionist mindset. But again, I'm not sure where the emotional neglect side  of it comes from. Did I feel the need to impress my dad? Was it my way of coping with the stressors? I'm assuming if so I used to bury and consume myself so the world outside of my mind would t bother me.

On a side very random note, I just wanted to mention I had another hunting dream. I really don't remember much of it at this point. But what I do remember was being with a squad clearing rooms in a setting that was a hybrid of Honolulu and Boston. I wished I remember more of the dream, the being hunted part and how I felt but it's all foggy.

[buddy9832]

 More guilt today. Guilt is my go to, I don't understand why I always default to it. I always have a guilty conscience.

Today overall was fine. My department received validation that we are doing awesome work at my job. I find that I'm always seeking others opinion to gauge how I'm doing. It's like I desperately seek their validation.

It's strange though how the littlest things can bring back the guilt. Today, I was coloring with T. It reminded me that my parents asked for her to color something and for me to send it to them. The guilt washed over me. I haven't sent them a single damn thing. Never mind a drawing T has made. I feel like such a horrible son. A horrible human being.

Later in the day I was talking to R about her dad. Apparently he's becoming very confused with what he should be doing for medical treatment. He talks about all his ailments to specialists. This reminded me about my grandfather who was handicapped. He was always confused after doctors visits. More so he would also talk to his neurologist for an example about the GI issues he's been having. It brought me back to the many conversations I would have with him when he was living with us. How I would spend hours sitting with him to explain what the doctors were saying. I can't but help but feel sad. I recall him talking about his disillusionment and depression. How he who was fairly religious would never see his wife again.

The guilt. Why is it my default emotion? What do I have to be guilty about? More so is it even helping me at this point?

[buddy9832]

It was a mixed day today. It started off fairly fine. R and I were actually able to get a good night's sleep for once. I'm pretty sure I had my hunting dreams but I don't remember them. It's more so just the feeling that I had them last night.

Work has been a dumpster fire as of late. I am a project manager and I'm putting out fires for problems that either A.) should have been dealt with a long time ago or B.) the individual tasked was kind of negligent. These things happen in my line of work and I'm not upset at the people. It's just how things go when you have a million priorities. It's just a major stressor in my life.

I find that it is stressful due to the perfectionist side of myself. I meticulously plan things and want them to go my way even though that's not realistic. I've always been a perfectionist or at least since high school. I'm sure perfectionism and IC go hand and hand but high school is right around the time my IC stated getting pretty nasty.

I know part of it as I've discussed before is due to my dad being out of work for years. There's something perpetually gnawing at me that if I'm not super productive and giving my absolute best all the time then I'll end up in his shoes or worse.  But there's definitely another part I just can't put my finger on. My Couple's therapist told me the way I grew up would have been similar to as a child growing up with alcoholic parents. I'm not fully sure what that means but I'm guessing I've always been striving for their attention and not getting anything. Perhaps that's  where the perfectionism developed?

Sorry for the tangent, but the stress ratcheted up today. I was very grumpy and irritable and definitely not present with the kids. R had to go to another telehealth call with her father. When she went, the kids weren't cooperative and the day was a loss work wise.

I find myself angry, disappointed, frustrated at the position R is in. She's the resident health expert in the family. The family is always seeking her advice but not necessarily listening. It's like they don't take her seriously. R's father is not managing the doctor appointments well hence they need her to be present as she understands what's going on. He's getting nastier and nastier as they days go by and R is taking the full force of it. Quite frankly I'm losing respect for him. I know he's going through a lot but that's your daughter and she is helping you get through this. If it wasn't for her he'd probably be worse medically. I lose my neglectful family to inherit this. What a joy!

Spending time with R's family is a constant reminder of what I can't have. It's painful, especially when there's dysfunction. It's almost sickening to me because I go from one dysfunction  to the other.

I'm not looking forward to Father's Day this weekend. I'm sure we will be visiting R's parents and I don't really want to deal with her dad.

[Not Alone]

Buddy, when I was reading about your struggles with perfectionism, I wondered if being perfect = being in control. Just a thought. Disregard if it doesn't fit.

Also, you have a lot going on currently (let alone past issues). Work, wife working, young children (who are very needy and demanding, which is appropriate for their ages, but tiring for parent), aging in-law; all those things are big stressors. Add to that . . . well, just turn on the news.  Breathe and as much as possible, be kind to yourself.