Buddy9832’s Journal

[buddy9832]

Thank you notalone. I need to hear that, I appreciate it.

You probably are right.  The perfectionism probably equates to being in control for me. I know there's a lot of anxiety related to not being in control. Even if it's outside factors I can find myself ruminating on them trying to see if there's something I could do to change the trajectory. I guess in my mind I need exhaust all possible solutions prior to accepting something to be the way it is.

I know it's directly related to emotional neglect, I just wish I understood it more as it relates to myself.

[buddy9832]

Underlying guilt, remorse and sadness carried throughout the day. It's the usual case, a holiday is coming up. R's family will be heavily involved with Father's Day. We will be celebrating it with them and I will be reminded of the family I don't have.

I found myself looking at the realtor images of the house I grew up in. I guess I wanted to remember what it looked like. I don't know why, I'm sure part of it was targeted at making me feel miserable. The other part nostalgia?

When I came across the pictures of my grandfather's in law, the memories came surging back. My bedroom was the room that provided access to my grandfather's side inside the house. It connected to his bedroom. I remember many nights having conversations with him. They could have varied. He was handicapped and they could have been me explaining what a doctor was trying to tell him. It could have been about my future. It could have been about his wife. It could even been us shooting the *. Me giving him a hard time about baseball and him giving me a hard time about hockey.

At the time I was very optimistic and patient. I remember spending hours trying to explain one of his medical ailments to him. Towards the later years of his life, I recall the disillusionment, the depression (which I didn't recognize for what it was at the time). He was a fairly religious person. We both were and I still was at this time. I remember him talking about how he'll never see his wife again. How he talks to her and was desperately trying to listen to her. No voice was ever heard. He was the type of person, when able he would visit Nana daily at the cemetery. He would have a black decaf coffee and a Boston creme from Dunkin Donuts. When it became harder for him to drive I would join him routinely.

I can understand his disillusionment now. My experiences have shown there's nothing for me after. No reuniting, nothing.

\\==========TW===========
I recall being in Norfolk, Va stationed on my ship as the DCA. We were in the yards getting repairs, nothing was going on. I got a call from my parents that Papa had fell, he's fallen many times before but this time was different. He wasn't expected to recover. I had to basically beg to get the Captain and XO to let me leave to see my dying grandfather. They finally let me go contingent upon passing some administrative check that one of my sailors could have covered. I drove the 500 mi north to see him and found him in hospice.

He was malnourished, the worst I've ever  seen him. He couldn't swallow or drink liquids. It was clear he was dying. Pictures of his life adorned the walls of his room. Pictures of him and Nana. Pictures of them when they were young. Pictures of him in the air force. He tried telling me stories but he was so dehydrated he couldn't talk. I remember desperately trying to understand what he was saying but absolutely couldn't. Was he trying to give me some last words of advice? Was he trying to tell me he loved me? I have no idea. I was able to keep it together in his room. Like usual, I convinced myself I couldn't show any emotion, things needed to appear that they were under control. I absolutely lost it when I left his room. I knew that would be the last time I saw him.

Prior to driving the 500 mi south back to work, I requested my parents to do one thing. To be with him while he died. No one deserves to die alone. I later found out they weren't there for him because the "nurse was with him". My wife's a nurse, I know that's a load of crap. They see death on a regular basis. Even if they would like to be with their dying patient it's very unlikely they can do to their patient load. Again I had to beg the Captain and XO to go home again to pay my final respects. I was able to be there for the wake but not the funeral. I was never able to give my final respects and it wasn't until a year or two after I was out of the Navy that I was able to visit his grave.
\\=======END OF TW========

I wanted to visit the cemetery today. Have my medium regular and get him a Boston creme and decaf black coffee. The pandemic has other ideas and obviously I won't be able to make the trip any time soon. He was the last person in my family that I felt a deep connection for.

Bringing myself back to present day. Tomorrow I will be going over R's parents house. I have the reminder of the family I no longer have. Get the privilege of listening to R's out of touch grandparents. Get to spend time with R's sister who is petty enough to use our son to bring R down and spend time with R's dad who has been getting ruder and nastier each day he deals with his medical condition. I'm expected to be friendly and social. I don't know if I can.

I have no family and I inherit this dysfunction. I know it's first world problems, it's still painful though.

[Snowdrop]

The relationship between you and your grandfather sounds as though it was very close. I can feel that connection through your words.

I hope it goes ok today Buddy. I hear how hard it is.

[buddy9832]

Thank you snowdrop. I'm sure I will let everyone know how it went.

[buddy9832]

Well Father's Day is done and I'm sufficiently exhausted. Fortunately, the day wasn't too bad which I'm thankful. I had a nice breakfast with the kids, did some school work for my masters program, and took it easy.

We did end up going over the in-laws for the cook out. I really wasn't looking forward to going. I was thinking about how I would have to deal with R's dad, grandparents and sister. R more or less told me I needed to be more social and less recluse. If anything for her dad and his health. I took an Ativan to help take the edge off. I'm not a fan of using drugs like this. I don't want to gain a dependency but I do think it helped.

Everyone with the exception of R's grandparents were on their best behavior which I appreciated. If new drama surfaced I have no idea how I would have handled it. R was nice enough to assist me with outs to be alone and have quiet time which I appreciate.

On the other end my parents were more or less no where to be seen. I got a text from my mom yesterday stating that she would love to FaceTime us tomorrow. They did acknowledge Father's Day via a text message which I reciprocated but that's the extent of our conversation. During one of the down times, I made an attempt to call them on FaceTime, they never picked up. I can't even say I'm disappointed it's just par for the course. I'm not sure if I'm being too harsh on them or this is just a readily apparent exhibit of the emotional neglect.

The sadness I carried yesterday was significantly less I used my kids to keep me occupied.

I find myself longing to be miserable. I'm finding myself wishing that the cookout would have been worse than it was. I find myself wishing that I would be hurt and disappointed by my parents. I don't know what that is all about. I don't even have the foggiest idea how to unpack that.

I assume part of the misery is my comfort zone but rational me does want to be happy and committed. I don't understand why I want to default to the negative. I'm sure part of it is my twisted way of punishing myself which I can't wrap my head around either.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your experiences - that is a lot to work through on a day that may already feel charged (I personally find all holidays difficult). 

Your thoughts on defaulting to negative resonate with me as I am the same way.  It's tricky though - our culture emphasizes positive emotions and punishes us for the other emotions which we can't stop having.  My experience has been being told to be "happy" or "positive" hasn't given me space to heal from genuine hurt and prevented me from feeling "happy" or "positive" because I have been distracting myself from all of my feelings including the "good" ones.  It is too bad because these "negative" feelings are part of us and our story too.  I have found it helpful to try to not label my feelings as good and bad (as I think some "good" emotions can also feel as intense). 

It's not easy though and I am still finding my way.  Best wishes on your journey.

[Three Roses]

Yeah, I understand it too, but I'm not sure I can put it into words. Anger directed at self, depression? Part of the learned helplessness thing? Not sure. Something to think about for sure.

[buddy9832]

I feel the need to briefly record this. I had hunting dreams last night. I don't remember enough at this point to put the dream in writing.

Factors last night:

- I was a little off last night.
- I'm not even disappointed at my parents as it is par for the course.
- Exhausted from social interaction last night.

[buddy9832]

Hi rainydiary and Three Roses,

Thank you for your responses. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who defaults to the negative. Rainy, you have a good point on not trying to label an emotion as good or bad. I think for me that will take a lot of work. As of late I'm struggling to understand where I should even start.

3R, thank you for attempting to put things into words. I think it's pretty accurate. There is a lot of self anger/hatred on my end.

Father's Day is also difficult for me because others are supposed to cater to me (make me breakfast, sleep in, let me take it easy, etc.). That in itself is deeply uncomfortable. I guess I don't feel worthy. Even on the good days I find there is an underlying depression and self hatred that I can't detect. R may ask me something to the affect of how do I feel about myself or do I look highly of myself? It doesn't matter if I've been having a good day, month, whatever the answer is always a resounding no and that I don't think much of myself. Nor do I think I can forgive myself.

I guess I'm in a rut. When you don't love yourself how can you heal?

[saylor]

Buddy, I also tend  toward negativity. I've recently realized it's a major reason why I feel so isolated in life. People feel uncomfortable around negativity, so I'm not good at fitting in and being accepted unless I hide behind my "happy mask" (which I have historically pulled off to a degree, but it feels inauthentic and gets really exhausting). The alienation creates even more pain, and the cycle continues... I guess self-love would help. I guess I still can't figure out how to do that

At any rate, I understand, and you're not alone 

[buddy9832]

Thanks saylor!

[buddy9832]

Onto another day. I could definitely feel my perfectionism today. The day started off fine. I didn't get much sleep. B was difficult last night. I had to sit with him a good portion of the night. Furthermore, I had my hunting dreams again. I only remember tidbits not enough to put into coherent sentences.

Work started off fine, there was an underlying degree of stress. I still have fires to put out that were discovered last week. Additionally, during a scheduling meeting I found out team members were holding calls with my clients, making business decisions without including me. I don't know how to fully equate this but I suppose it would be like an individual negotiating something in court without throwing it by the lawyer. It would make the lawyer's job significantly harder.

Basically the line manager for a certain department was holding calls with clients on future work without including me. I was quite angry and it took some reserves not to scold the person on the call. I recognize the anger is because I wasn't in control. I have a sense of ownership, these are my clients and decisions are being made outside of me. I don't know how to tune down the perfectionism, I wish I knew.

What I really wanted to talk about today is to explore my low self esteem, self hatred, self disgust whatever you want to call it. I can recall having low self esteem more or less since grade school. I'm sure it's related to emotional neglect but I also didn't have good experiences in school. I grew up Catholic, went to Catholic school which I know only fuels the unclean unworthiness that I felt.

I wish I could look back in time and understand where and when this low self esteem came from. I don't recall my parents ever emphasizing that I'm worthless. I do recall at least my dad wasn't good at helping me solve my problems. It was more or less "there will always  be a* holes and d* heads in this world. Learn how to deal with it. " I don't remember how my mom was.

=========TW====Self Harm=====
I can recall in grade school standing on my parents second story deck thinking about jumping off it. I remember thinking that if I broke a bone at least people would like me and in turn perhaps this would translate into me liking myself. I never followed through but I still remember the memory. It feels so sick and twisted. So unhealthy, a young child shouldn't have those thoughts. What spurred it on?

=====END OF TW=========
I've always felt unworthy and unforgivable. Scenarios that I could easily forgive someone else for I can't do for myself. I don't see myself as a martyr or saint either, I don't feel like I'm superior to others. If anything I feel I'm inferior.

My low self esteem has dictated my life. Self sabotage unhealthy decisions were not uncommon. Even when I know the right choice to make I find it hard to make those decisions. Why though?

I've been thinking a lot about the times R would check in on me and ask how I'm doing, how I feel about myself. It doesn't matter if I'm having a good day, life has been positive for a while, whatever I can't seem to say the words or accept that I love myself and think highly of myself. Why can't I do this? It's not even an option for me. It's like a wall that I can never scale.

I was hoping I'd be able to explore this deeper but I'm finding myself at a roadblock.  Some questions for the future:

- where did my low self esteem come from?
- when did it happen?
- why did it happen?
- why can't I forgive myself?
- why can't I love myself?
- will I ever be ok?

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing these thoughts.  What you shared resonated with me as I have versions of those experiences especially with work and self esteem and wanting and trying to break a bone when I was younger.  I am still seeking on my journey but I appreciate that I am not truly alone on my path even when it feels like I am. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy,

Thank you for you post. It's good to know that I'm not alone, really.

Thank you!

[Hope67]

Hi Buddy,
I don't think I've posted a reply in your Journal before, but I have read things you've written, and I wanted to say that I relate to the thoughts you mentioned of self-harm, and I appreciated you sharing your experience.  I feel a bit awkward writing this, as I am not sure how to say what I want to say.
Hope