Buddy9832’s Journal

[owl25]

A quick clarification - there were indeed misunderstandings between me and my mother, but that does not mean that she didn't (unintentionally) emotionally neglect me growing up. I by no means meant to imply you weren't hurt by your parents. I think notalone brings up some really good questions. 

[buddy9832]

Thank you guys!

Owl, thank you for sharing your insight. I do believe there are misunderstandings. Also, I do fully understand that misunderstandings does not mean I wasn't hurt (unintentionally) because of emotional neglect. In fact, I suppose I've been working on a theory similar to that. My wife has an eating disorder. She had it since she was twelve (she's in recovery) but she's spent many years in clinics and in therapy. She believes that my mom also has anorexia. Furthermore, growing up, my mom was forced to take care of her sick mother and handicapped father. I can certainly understand with her own demons and the need to take care of her parents that there was likely not much reserves left for me.

My dad on the other hand is stoic as stoic can be. That whole side of the family is. Whenever I think about the degree of stoicism they have the best example I can think of is when my grandfather on that side of the family died. We were all sitting at the kitchen table at my grandparent's house hours after we buried my grandfather.  The phone rang it was an insurance agent looking for my grandfather. My grandmother was on the other end of that call.  She didn't have a single tear or sign of distress. She said something to the affect  of "Oh you poor dear David passed away the other day". Then she hung up the phone and carried on like nothing was amiss.

I guess my point is for my mom I understand she was preoccupied by bigger problems and this was how my dad grew up. It doesn't change how I was raised and that I was hurt. I guess it just makes bringing this up to my parents a little more painful and shameful. I feel like it would almost have been easier to address this situation if they were full on abusive.

notalone, I will speak more with my T as to what confronting my parents would mean. I have tried to address the questions below in the past. I usually find it difficult to even get a point to imagining different scenarios and different answers to these questions.

[buddy9832]

So it was Couple's therapy today. The session went fine but half way through I just shut down. After that I more or less felt sad for the rest of the night. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be alone and go to bed. I don't even know why, nothing was discussed that was particularly difficult. It was largely focused on managing the kids and me managing work at the same time. I haven't been that productive. I'm honestly averaging about four hours a day. It's just impossible to find more time. I would usually prefer to get up early but considering that the baby situation I'm not really getting much sleep. About 5 interrupted hours. I used to be the type of person that could function on like an hour of sleep but I'm too old for that now.

The day is usually a crapshoot. I usually spend B's nap times in his room trying to get him to sleep. Some days I'm able to work in there, other days I'm not. When I do get a chance to go to my makeshift office, I usually only get 30-45 mins of time before I'm interrupted. Followed by the evenings cooking dinner, bed time routine and my masters program.

With hesitance for me sounding like a jerk. I am finding my patience is getting thinner and thinner at work. I'm still dealing with a few problems from a couple weeks ago due to an individual's negligence or lack of forethought. I don't know why the issue bothers me so much. It is one of my projects so I guess part of it is me having a lack of control. The other part, I guess may be a hold over from the Navy. It was ingrained in me that if you are in charge of something or people you should have an intimate knowledge of them and the status of the equipment. Anything less would be professionally embarrassing. I guess it is a control issue? It's just frustrating that someone wouldn't take ownership of something in their area of responsibility.

The bigger question is why does it bother me? I'm sure it is not actually the problem itself.

On a separate note my wife's friend who was involved with a motorcycle crash is doing alright. He's had numerous surgeries. They will be able to save his other arm and he appears to be all there mentally. I guess his abdomen is still open but it is open more surgically related than due to the trauma he sustained. I guess he has spiked a fever which makes me quite nervous. It could mean the start of an infection.

Onto R, I'm getting really fed up with her father. R is getting harassed by her mom to talk to her dad. Every time she does he is just nasty to her. She's told me she is getting flashbacks to her childhood during the height of her eating disorder because of the conversations . She feels like she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. I am finding my patience is wearing thin. He's been going through his medical episode for over a month now. Overall, it appears that whatever he's going through is not serious, yet he is getting nastier and nastier by the day. I'm sure it is depression and anxiety related more so than a physical ailment at this point. But he's relatively healthy. R is dealing with her friend that is in critical condition, the kids, going back to the ICU on the COVID floor, my health (especially after my last episode). She doesn't need to deal with her dad.

It's troubling for me, I lose my family and am told I should be using R's side to make up for that loss. So I go from that deficit to this? How is her family going to help me fill the hole in me if they are just as dysfunctional as my family is? It feels almost insulting. I know most of my family is either dead and gone but I rather have  that than rely on R's family who's been nasty to her lately. Poor R, she is the type of person that has always been there for her family. More so than her sister, yet she's the one treated like crap. It bothers me.

[buddy9832]

Another therapy day, I had a lot to unpack. Obviously, I spoke about R's friend who's in critical condition. I spoke about how I find myself envisioning myself in his shoes. I find myself imagining what it would be like to sustain the injuries he sustained. What it would feel like to ride across a guardrail. She found this very peculiar. I don't like thinking this way but I can't really help it. I recall with my grandfather as he was dying a similar experience, trying to imagine what the process is like from the personal perspective. I don't know what purpose it serves for me or why I do it. I just default to it.

//=======TW=========
Related, I spoke about how the accident is just a reminder to me of how crappy the world is. My worldview hasn't changed but I haven't had this type of thinking in a while. I grew up Catholic, went to Catholic schools and then the Navy happened. The Navy showed me how evil (really indifferent) this world is. It gets me angry, I guess I feel cheated? I don't know. I can't support an all knowing and loving god that permits a 30 year old who is a good person get disemboweled and at best permanently disfigured and damaged the rest of his life. I can't come to terms with a god that finds it acceptable for a 1 year old girl to have the severity of the cleft I saw. I don't think she survived. That permits those homeless children to live the way they did. That permits the pain and disruption that led to the refugee crisis. That permits a Captain to not go searching for stranded people when coming across an empty life raft in the open ocean. It's god's will? You tell that to those people.

I guess I feel cheated. I know there is good in this world but there is so much excruciating pain in this world.

//=====END OF TW======

I really want to talk again though about my low self esteem and lack of self worth. This was the topic of discussion today. I guess I'm discouraged. It feels like nothing I do will help me come out of my hole. I know what needs to be done to take care of myself, be healthy and build my self esteem. But it feels like there is an insurmountable wall that I can't get beyond. L told me I should do these things for my family, but the wall remains. I just feel like they would be better without me. How do you get beyond that if you for whatever reason you can't scale the wall? My lack of self worth is so engrained in me. I can't shake it.

[buddy9832]

I had another hunting dream last night. I don't remember much of it but from what I can remember, I believe I was at a building that was supposed to be my work. I was holed up in a closet with my wife and her friend. I used a dowel (don't know why a dowel) to barricade the door.

[Three Roses]

How do you get beyond that if you for whatever reason you can't scale the wall? My lack of self worth is so engrained in me. I can't shake it.

Speaking just for myself, meds really helped me with this. I had been taking Prozac for a long time and it stopped working, so out of curiosity (and because I was tired of having to take it), I quit. Gradually over the following months, my mood descended in an ever increasing spiral until I felt I was in a hole I'd never dig my way out from.

So now, I'm back on an antidepressant, chosen by a psychiatrist instead of my pcp. I'm feeling much better, and I'm able to function well enough.

Still, everyone is different, and meds aren't necessarily the best choice for everyone. Hang in there you're worth fighting for.

[owl25]

buddy, I'm so sorry for how bleak and hopeless everything feels. How bad the world feels. I've felt that way at times too, all the terrible things that happen, it just feels like too much. The thing is - there is beauty too. There are kind people in this world. I used to feel so unsafe. I have learned in the last few years that there are kind people on this planet, who genuinely care. Who do their bit to make this world a better place. I am thinking mainly of the kind Ts I've worked with. It took a while to be able to absorb that this was real. That it wasn't just them pretending for whatever reason. You've gone through some very traumatic things. It does strip away any joy there might be. It's so very hard.

I used to have dreams my whole life about being chased and trying to hide or get away. Most times I got away. Sometimes I didn't. I think those dreams represent the deep sense of not feeling safe in your life. Over the last few years those dreams seem to have mostly disappeared.

I once read somewhere something about what to do when calamity strikes. I think maybe Mr Rogers said it. "Look for the helpers. Where are the helpers?" I only learned of this a couple of years ago. I don't think I'll ever forget that.

Things are very up and down with this journey. It is really tough. I get thrust between the good in my life, and the pain from the past. I try not to worry about the state of the world. I can't change it. All I can do is make the best of what I have. I do have hope for the world. We are living in uncertain times, and there are so many injustices that people are speaking up about and demanding change for. It gives me hope for the future. I feel like most people feel like you and I do about the bad things that happen. We need to heal ourselves so we can be there to help make the world a better place.

I'm not sure if you are on medication, but it might be worth considering, just to get you a start on climbing out of the hole. Sometimes we need a little help with that. There is no shame in it. I know medication saved me at the start of my journey.

Your family won't be better off without you. Trust me on that one. They love you, even if you don't feel like you are worthy of that or deserve that. They would be lost and hurting in the same way without you.

[buddy9832]

Hi 3R and Owl,

Thank you for responding and thank you for the kind words. Believe it or not I am on meds. I'm on Wellbutrin, Prozac, Minipress (for the nightmares) and now Ativan for when things get really bad. I'm alright today, but some days it's really discouraging. I went from never taking a medication in my life to four different prescriptions for my mental health. There's days where I feel like I'm a nut. I mean after all I'm taking multiple meds right? I know it's not true and it is just a means to an end but some days it's tough.

As it relates to the world around us, Owl, rational me agrees with you a 100%. There is good in this world and there are people who truly mean well. It also took me a while to break the cynical thinking that the T doesn't really care and is only looking to make a paycheck. It definitely took a while for me to build trust.

I've also heard that Mr. Rogers quote before in "looking for the helpers". I think it is very valid because in every war, every crisis you are right there are helpers. Some days it's just hard for me to get past my cynical thinking, that the world is a place of nothing but pain and suffering. I think part of it is because I feel like I've contributed to the "Problem".

When I was doing work ups for my first deployment which was to the Persian Gulf; the sad fact is the US's interests became very clear and it wasn't in helping people. It became clear that I was a part of it. Our focus was defending      oil platforms from IRGCN and other entities (though we never actually performed those particular operations). It was on keeping the Strait of Hormuz open because that's where 25% of our oil comes from.

Fast forward to my second deployment, we are off the coast of Libya performing anti-terror operations. Libya is a total power vacuum, it is in complete anarchy.  There is suffering. Many refugees are coming from their north to Italy. The sad fact is, we wouldn't be conducting anti-terror operations their if we hadn't bombed them in the first place.  I understand Gaddafi wasn't a nice man but we did nothing to help the situation.   That is where I came across the empty life raft and that is where I was told to carry on, it's not our problem.

I'm sad, yet encouraged to hear I'm not the only one that had those type of nightmares. I just wish I knew how to address whatever issue is cause NC them in the first place.

Anyone that's enough for me now. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

[Three Roses]

Our focus was defending oil platforms from IRGCN and other entities (though we never actually performed those particular operations). It was on keeping the Strait of Hormuz open because that's where 25% of our oil comes from.

My son said the same thing. Oil, and another resource in Afghanistan, something to do with batteries. Lithium? He had 2 deployments, as an Army Blackhawk tech.

I know that memory of the life raft haunts you; my son has a memory, several in fact, that haunt him. If you can just remember that you did what you could but you also had to follow orders. My son is a different person today. War is *, for sure, and changes people forever. But there is hope for everyone who wants healing and pursues it from any angle that can help. I'm in your corner, cheering you on.

[buddy9832]

Thank you 3R, I appreciate it and war certainly is *. My world view has changed significantly from the first day I entered vs. the day I got out.

I guess I'm feeling stuck, it feels like my IC doesn't want me to heal. Part of me wishes there was a roadmap or specific steps to take to heal obviously it's not black and white. Even if I had a roadmap, I feel like I would purposely not use it.

[buddy9832]

I feel a little off today. I don't really have any explanation for it. Today wasn't stressful at all and there's nothing I can think of that is bothering me. I guess I just feel a little down?

The weekend wasn't too bad either. I was able to find time to regrout parts of our shower that has taken me over month to do. All in all it took about a days worth of labor. The kids were great. We took them to a local petting zoo which they love and we went to a cookout at my in-laws.

As far as potential stressors I called my parents. It was the same old thing, very superficial, my parents not really having any connection with the kids, and me wanting to end the conversation to move on my day. I know that seems terrible but I don't recall it really bothering me. R's dad was definitely off, he's still going through his medical issue and at this point I'm fairly convinced it's more depression related than anything. Lastly, I did some of my school work until 1AM last night. Again none of these "stressors" felt stressful to me at the time nor now. I just don't know what's contributing to me feeling off.

I did feel pangs of sadness and guilt today related to my grandfather. He used to love whistling and I never really thought much of it but I guess I whistle a lot around the house. I was having lunch with T and was whistling. She playfully told me to stop and for whatever reason that just snapped my thoughts to my grandfather of him sitting outside his house on summer days listening to the Rat Pack whistling. It brought with it the sadness and guilt. I don't understand where the guilt is coming from, I have no idea.

Now that I think of it, I guess I'm starting to get into the "denial phase" of my mental health. I find myself longing to watch home videos of me as a kid. I think partially to "punish" myself. Even the good memories only bring sadness and guilt these days and also to some how convince myself that I was/was not emotionally neglected. I have watched the videos in the past and nothing comes of it. No epiphany, new memories or new thoughts come. The other denial piece is related to the cPTSD. I find myself trying to convince me that I don't have it. On the 4th, neighbors were launching fireworks. It made me mad for a while because it was scaring my kids but otherwise I didn't mind it. Later that night I stepped outside and saw a huge professional grade firework launch and explode a couple houses down the road. The concussion was very loud. It left reverberations through the neighborhood and valley. I forgot that I enjoy that noise (the reverberations). R was surprised. She made an observation that the fireworks don't bother me but a dog barking or a door bell ringing does. I don't have an explanation for it but my mind is now trying to convince myself that I don't have cPTSD.

I guess part of me is in denial and the other part of me is longing to be miserable. Again, I'm not sure why. I got to believe it's related to my low self esteem. I guess misery is comfortable to me? Perhaps it's an affirmation that I don't need to be in denial?

I'm finding myself a little frustrated at not being able to get answers. I wish I could remember parts of my childhood better, I wish I could definitively confirm that I was emotionally neglected. I wish I could definitely confirm that I have cPTSD, depression and anxiety. But the days when those conditions are dormant make me question myself. After all, my mind feels like I should be miserable all the time. That if I had these conditions I would know. I know healing is a completely different ball game than healing for physical wounds. I just wish I could sketch out a plan. This is where I am. This is where I should be and these are the tangible steps to get me there. But none of it seems tangible to me. It's only after looking back at my life a few years that I can see any evidence of healing compared to before.

[marta1234]

Buddy, I wanted to just come by and say that when I was young I used to rewatch endlessly past videos of me. I don't know why I did it, but it was just this thing that I needed to do in order to feel pain or anything about my past.

Sending you lots of support for the work you've been doing on yourself 

[buddy9832]

Sending you lots of support for the work you've been doing on yourself 

Thanks marta, I needed to hear that.

I'm going on day 2 of feeling off. I'm not sure really what's going on. There isn't really anything stressors that I can identify. My low self esteem/self worth is coming into play. I feel useless and unproductive. It's hard for me to get the wheels in motion today.

[sanmagic7]

hey, buddy,

i've been away for a bit, but read some of what you've written here.  i think, sometimes, (at least for me), it's the days when i don't especially have stressors that i feel 'down'.  i believed we've been so conditioned to feel bad about ourselves, and therefor need punishment, that our stressors do that particular job for us.  it stands to reason, in my mind, that when the stressors aren't around we find other ways to keep that punishment going.  after all, our authority figures rammed it down our throats - either passively or aggressively - that we were bad, therefore deserving punishment.  your 'longing to feel miserable again' rang that bell for me.

you're right that this process of healing has ups and downs in it.  i have no doubt that c-ptsd is a big factor in that - if you've read other posts, you'll see that played out over and over for people.  and, as far as emotional neglect, anytime we don't get acknowledged and accepted with all our emotions intact, we get mocked or humiliated for having emotions, or we're simply not allowed to have certain emotions, we've been emotionally neglected.  i say this from experience, both from my parents and others in adult relationships.

hang in there, buddy, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  i'm so glad you're sharing here, and i hope it's helping give you some validation and support.  you so deserve both, cuz it sounds like you haven't gotten much of either.  sending love and a hug filled w/ both.

[buddy9832]

Hi sanmagic,

Thank you for responding. I see your point related to the stressors and now that I think about it I agree certainly agree. Thank you for the kind words/words of encouragement. I sincerely appreciate it. I still don't know why but it's been kind of a tough week for me.