Buddy9832ís Journal

  • 229 Replies
  • 9890 Views
*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #75 on: June 23, 2020, 07:49:07 PM »
Hi hope,

Thank you for your post and acknowledging that you can relate. I appreciate it. At a minimum itís always good to hear that others have experienced similar feelings.

*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #76 on: June 23, 2020, 11:38:57 PM »
Today was therapy day for me. I tried discussing and working on my low self esteem but I donít feel like I got anywhere. I tried talking about how even on my good days I canít bring myself to say that I love myself or that Iím worthy.

She told me when the good moments happen just focus on them and try to be in them for as long as possible. Additionally, she suggested before going to bed thinking about three positive things that happened during the day. (which I do religiously).  I can usually think of a few positive things but rarely they are focused on something I did or something that Iím proud of. They are usually more so, I enjoyed cuddling with my daughter today, I enjoyed the dinner we cooked etc. As far as staying in the good moments, I agree with her, but I donít understand how either of these exercises is going to lead to me loving myself. It feels so deeply engrained in me. It feels like I will never be able to shake it. 

I wish I could pull back the curtain and understand where it came from and why it happened. I guess I feel like Iím in a rut. I feel like Iím in a rut with a lot of my mental health issues and that very little progress has been made recently. I donít know, I just wish I could understand why I am the way I am.

We also had Coupleís. It was largely focused on family problems that we are dealing with ( my parents and Rís parents). The session definitely keyed me up. I was asked to to discuss which family members have made me upset and why. Pretty much everyone in Rís family has. Her grandparents, her mom, father, and sister. I still canít get over what she said. Itís been over a month I canít let it drop. Her dad is getting nastier and nastier each day due to his health condition and it is making me incredibly angry to watch what R has to go through.

It also stings when there is dysfunction in her family, like we are going through now, because I now need to use their family to replace the family that I lost and itís dysfunctional. It feels like a disservice or an insult to me. How can I use you as my new family when your own demons and wounds are resurfacing? Why should I?

I know things will never go back to ďnormalĒ. I wonít be able to get the family that I lost back. The family that I do still have moved away and theyíre stuck in their own ways.

I donít know what Iím looking for, I guess I just want peace which has been ever elusive.

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2542
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #77 on: June 24, 2020, 03:05:35 AM »
She told me when the good moments happen just focus on them and try to be in them for as long as possible. Additionally, she suggested before going to bed thinking about three positive things that happened during the day. (which I do religiously).  I can usually think of a few positive things but rarely they are focused on something I did or something that Iím proud of. They are usually more so, I enjoyed cuddling with my daughter today, I enjoyed the dinner we cooked etc. As far as staying in the good moments, I agree with her, but I donít understand how either of these exercises is going to lead to me loving myself. It feels so deeply engrained in me. It feels like I will never be able to shake it. 

cuddling with daughter = being loving daddy, showing safe affection
cooking dinner = doing something to take care of family

Maybe part of this is recognizing that you are doing things and there are things in your day for you to be proud of. Baby steps.

*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
TRIGGER WARNING Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #78 on: June 25, 2020, 02:58:49 AM »
Thanks notalone, I need to hear that.

Iím going to provide warning up front this entire post is a potential trigger warning.

\\=========TW===========




The past 35 hours or so have been absolutely horrible. In my experience I have found that I get constantly reminded or humbled about how * the world is. It usually happens when a degree of optimism begins to surface or things start going well for me. At a minimum the world or universe for that manner is indifferent. We are just ants living on a floating rock hurtling through space. Nothing matters. We suffer, we feel pain, we can do unspeakable things to our fellow human beings.

Indifference. Indifference are the homeless children I saw in the Philippines; forced to live in enclaves for survival, defecating in the streets. Itís our interpreter getting jumped when we try to do the right thing and provide food for these children. Itís the sex trafficking and the absolute indifference some countries display on its practice. Itís the pregnant woman I saw who was begging for money. Beside her, her year old child with the most severe cleft Iíve ever seen (I canít imagine she would survive). Itís me who chose not to give her money and then go a block down the road to get a massage. Itís me coming across a life raft off the coast of Libya during the height of the refugee crisis being told to turn a blind eye. Itís the two sailors who shorty after I left the ship committed suicide. Itís my colleague I had to take to the hospital twice for suicidal ideations. Itís my two co-workers at my previous job who were in so much pain they committed suicide. Itís the children that get cancer. The hospitals that bleed patients of money. The hospitals who refuse to protect and take care of their employees. The individuals who keep 90 year old incredibly ill parents alive to collect their social security checks. And now itís a close friend of R.

We found out yesterday afternoon that a close friend of hers who sheís fallen out of communication with but are still close was hit by a car while stopped at an intersection with his motorcycle. This individual has had a rough life but through it all is an amazing person and would give the shirt off his back for anyone. He loved riding and working on motorcycles. He was also a bartender. This individual is now intubated in the ICU in critical condition. His torso is open, one of his arms is amputated and the other is mangled. Indifference.

I barely know this individual and Iím struggling to keep my focus throughout the day. I canít imagine what his family or my wife are going through. Weíre getting routine updates and unfortunately since R is an ICU nurse herself can get a fairy good understanding of the individualís prognosis.

I donít know how to process this or be available to R. I try just asking her what she needs and seeing if sheís alright but that doesnít seem to be enough. I want to do something but no words nor actions seems like theyíd be sufficient.

From my end itís just a painful reminder to me about how crappy this world is. Indifference. Itís hard for me to accept indifference. This has always bothered me in life. I suppose because it feels like it just gets repeatedly beat into me everywhere I look.

Iím sitting here writing this post, I donít even know how to close it. Nothing seems sufficient. It feels wrong even to talk about myself in this post. I just feel like I need to write down something.

I hope everyone else is staying as healthy and well as they can be.

Cheers.

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3462
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #79 on: June 25, 2020, 04:26:48 AM »
Read every word of it. I'm glad you're here. I know you won't understand this but I care about you.

Words don't seem adequate but I'm sorry to hear how much you're dealing with.

*

Snowdrop

  • Member
  • 1383
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #80 on: June 25, 2020, 05:18:52 AM »
I read your whole post too. Oof, that's a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry.

*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #81 on: June 25, 2020, 02:02:06 PM »
Three Roses and Snowdrop,

Thank you for reading and letting me know you care. I sincerely appreciate it.

The last update we have is that they reduced sedation and the individual woke up and had capacity to know of his condition. Although thatís horrible it at least means heís neurologically there.

*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #82 on: June 27, 2020, 03:01:56 AM »
Yesterday was pretty rough for R. She didn't want to get out of bed and definitely didn't feel like doing anything. I did my best to be present for her and try to find avenues to help ease the pain and shock. We both are struggling with processing the accident. Each day a little more detail comes out. I find myself personally envisioning the accident and envisioning the details as if it was me in gory detail. I don't necessarily like doing that but it is how my mind works.
 
//==TW===FOR BODILY INJURY=======
We found out the individual was at the intersection and actually saw the car coming strait for him. He tried to move out of the way but was still hit. Apparently, he had a GoPro on just for this type of scenario. I couldn't even imagine witnessing that. The impact forced his body to ride against the guard rail. Causing deep lacerations to his stomach and upper body.
 
It's not the amputation that bothers me.  It is the disembowelment. It has been three days and he still has an open cavity with debris in it. I just recall from my Navy training that that is one of the worse injuries that could be sustained. If you survive the injury there still is a high likely hood of infection. R as an ICU nurse has experienced scenarios similar to these. She has the burden of experience.

//========END OF TW============
 
Iím sorry for providing details it feels essential for me to document for myself. Both R and I didnít sleep well last night. My thoughts were racing and I was very sensitive to noise. The dog would be chewing a bone and it felt like there was grinding right at my ears.

Today has been a little better for both R and I. I find when I do daily mundane tasks Iím reminded that Rís friend is seriously hurt and will likely never be able to do those things. I then go to my standard feeling of guilt. In fact I feel guilty even writing entries into my journal at the moment. Why should I be writing in my journal focusing on myself when there are more severe issues at hand?

The work related stress was hard to manage today. Iím assuming itís being compounded by the stress that I already have. I really need to find a way to manage it better. It feels like it takes years off my life but Iím never committed to doing anything about it. Iíll start meditation, exercising etc. but canít keep to it. Iím not sure if it is some way of me punishing myself to atone for the guilt? I donít know. I really need to find a way to build my self esteem, make myself feel worthy, and love myself. But Iím not sure I know how.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2020, 03:03:32 AM by buddy9832 »

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3462
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #83 on: June 27, 2020, 03:42:54 AM »
What terrible injuries! My heart goes out to everyone.

*

Snowdrop

  • Member
  • 1383
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #84 on: June 27, 2020, 05:38:47 AM »
Those injuries are horrific. I'm so sorry.

I'm not surprised that your thoughts are racing and it's hard to process. You have this to deal with on top of cptsd, which just makes things harder. I hope you can be gentle with yourself.

Quote
I really need to find a way to build my self esteem, make myself feel worthy, and love myself. But Iím not sure I know how.

I struggled a lot with the idea of loving myself. I felt guilty about trying, and not worthy of it. My normal state was for my self-esteem to be at rock bottom. What helped me was to find a part or quality of myself that I could have a degree of compassion for or accept. It gave me a starting point to work from.

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2542
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #85 on: June 27, 2020, 01:12:58 PM »
In fact I feel guilty even writing entries into my journal at the moment. Why should I be writing in my journal focusing on myself when there are more severe issues at hand?

I understand the feeling and have said something similar in another context. Clearly you a very concerned for your friend and R. You are not self-centered. It is okay for you to be aware of what is happening in you and to get support for what you are thinking and feeling. You are worthy to receive care. Being aware of and caring for your own needs really does help you to be more available to support others.

*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #86 on: June 28, 2020, 10:14:49 PM »
Hi 3R, snowdrop, and not alone,

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. It has definitely been tough to navigate. I appreciate the support.

Snowdrop, thank you for sharing advice as to how you started generating a degree of compassion with yourself. I have taken note and Iím going to try this out.

Thank you notalone, for the words of encouragement. I find frequently when Iím in these situations my IC chastises myself. I try to find ways to mentally punish myself; mostly with guilt. I guess there is that part of me that has a very hard time believing Iím worthy. Itís nice to hear from others because itís extremely difficult to hear from myself.

*

buddy9832

  • Member
  • 227
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #87 on: June 28, 2020, 10:43:26 PM »
R and I were discussing the topic of my parents the other day. It was mostly related to what I need/should be doing to heal. My therapists and R have suggested that I confront my parents but  I donít know if I have it in me. There is deep shame and guilt surrounded by confronting my parents. At worse, they live over 500 mi away. If they donít talk to me itís not like I have anything to lose. Additionally, the scenario of me laying into them about their neglect and how it *ed me up surrounds me with anxiety and guilt. They are now in their retirement living out the rest of their lives in a manner that they have worked hard for. Why should I put that on them?

More or less since college my parents havenít known my story. They donít know the pain Iíve been in. The suffering Iíve experienced. Even when Iíve tried to communicate some of it, I donít recall it being received. Iíve tried talking to them about my Navy experiences, about how toxic the command is, about my suicidal colleague, the decisions I have made but theyíve never been helpful. Usually I would receive some type of superficial advice like just move on.

Well itís been over 5 years since Iíve been out and I still canít move on. I was left floundering when I got out of the Navy. The same way I was floundering when I joined the Navy with no car, apartment or money to get myself on my feet. I was in a deep depression. I was the jobless loser living my in-laws basement. There was deep shame from being a Lieutenant in the Navy charged with responsibilities up to putting sailors lives  at risk to nothing. I had no direction, no idea how to market my skills, receiving rejection after rejection for jobs that I was over qualified for. Furthermore, my experiences from the Navy began haunting me. Learning that the CO and XO were fired for their negligence.  Reading the investigation. The nightmares (hunting dreams) started and havenít gone away.

I settle down into a farming town and had my daughter. The symptoms just got worse. The depression deeper, the apathy almost unbearable. There be days Iíd be in a trance like state. This would scare R. I felt like the worldís worst father, that I couldnít provide for R and T. I felt so utterly and completely alone and abandoned. During this time they packed up their things and moved to NC.

Not once was there a check in to see how I was doing. I donít know if I could tell them my story now. I donít know if I could tell them your wonderful son is now an individual with severe depression, anxiety, and cPTSD. I donít know if I could tell them Iíve had a few episodes where Iíve gone off the deep end definitely considering self harm and possibly the other. How would that be received? Do they even deserve to know that?

On the other end Iím fully aware if I keep on living the way I am. My parents will die with me not trying to establish a meaningful relationship with them. I know I need to resolve this issue soon. I donít know if I want to or if Iím ready.

*

owl25

  • Member
  • 346
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #88 on: June 29, 2020, 02:31:16 AM »
I am sorry for what happened to R's friend. That sounds so very difficult and so upsetting.

I hope you can figure things with your parents out. It's a really tough position to be in. It's hard with that generation, they tend to not talk about feelings and a lot of things are just stuffed down. They often don't know how to respond. In hindsight, I think there were a lot of misunderstandings between me and my mother. I hope you can find a way forward with your parens, somehow.

*

notalone

  • Member
  • 2542
    • View Profile
Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #89 on: June 29, 2020, 03:18:02 AM »
I wonder if it would be helpful to talk with T more about what "confront parents" means. What are some options for what you might say? What kind of response would you hope for? What does it mean if you don't receive that type of reply? What are some possible benefits of confronting them? What are some possible detriments?