Buddy9832ís Journal

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #105 on: July 09, 2020, 12:21:58 AM »
Going on day three of being off. Now I really donít know whatís going on. I know itís depression but Iím really struggling to piece anything together. I just feel a degree of lethargy and sadness. I donít really feel like doing much at all. It came about more or less as soon as I woke up. Iíve noticed for these past three days it seems like it is worse in the daylight hours and gets better (but not gone) as night approaches. Iíve asked myself perhaps itís an EF? But what would trigger it and why? Itís not the worse case of depression Iíve had but itís definitely more noticeable than what Iíd call my baseline.

If I was to assume it was an EF, I donít really know what the trigger would be. Iíve had small reminders of my grandparents. The whistling that reminds me of my grandfather and a song that came on during one of Tís movies that was played at my grandmotherís burial. But these donít feel too triggering. I didnít really have any emotional reaction to the song other than recognizing that it was played at my grandmotherís burial. I had a brief memory of the event, I remember standing facing my aunt who had the song on a boom box. I recall it was a little unexpected that she was going to play that song. But again no emotion is attached to it. It seems more like a fleeting memory. Also, I canít necessarily correlate these memories to being ďoffĒ as these happened in the afternoon whereas Iíve been feeling off pretty much since I wake up.

Coupleís therapy was significantly focused on me and my parents but again I canít say there was much emotion related to it. The focus was related a on a phone call I had with them the other night. I mentioned how it was the same thing: very superficial and very uncomfortable. I mentioned how post college my parents really donít know my story. They donít know anything about my mental health nor do I feel comfortable discussing that with them. We discussed Rís relationship with my parents and how it will likely never be there. Lastly, we discussed the lack of involvement theyíve had in our kids lives. None of these of these items are new. Nor do I recall much emotion being attached to it.

The only other thing I can add to the mix is that my hands were shaking today. I canít really attribute it to anything, low blood sugar etc. it was definitely noticeable as R made a comment.

I guess Iím stumped. I just really wish I could understand me better and remember memories and events that may have led to where I am today.

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owl25

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #106 on: July 09, 2020, 12:36:59 AM »
Maybe you're feeling these emotions because you have room for them right now? Or if it's an EF, maybe there's something about this time of year? or maybe it's something physical that you aren't aware of?

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #107 on: July 09, 2020, 02:14:25 PM »
Thanks Owl for the suggestions. I honestly have no idea. Iím leaning towards itís not an EF. Iím assuming your assumption is right itís more because I have the room right now.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #108 on: July 09, 2020, 02:47:25 PM »
hey,

i've had some of what you describe for a good part of my life - feeling down w/o knowing why, the cause, the trigger, etc.  you've talked about this conversation w/ your parents, how distant and superficial it is, how uncomfortable, but a lack of feeling for you.  could it be that you've repressed emotions about them?  perhaps just absorbed them into yourself, but they're showing in other ways?  like feeling down, or your hands shaking.  i'd imagine there are a lot of repressed feelings about how they treat you, your kids, their relationship w/ R.

maybe not, maybe this doesn't make sense to you.  just something off the top of my head.  i'm always looking for 'why' answers, and this came to mind for me.  i do hope you can figure it out so you have a feeling of how to deal with it.  best to you with this, my dear.  love and hugs   :hug:

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #109 on: July 10, 2020, 06:24:22 PM »
Hi San, thank you for responding. Iím glad to hear youíve had similar experiences. It makes me feel less alone. I guess it could be repressed emotions with my parents. R told me I have an inability to get mad at my parents. Me telling them off would never cross my mind. For example, the day before Fatherís Day my parents coordinated to schedule a call the next day. I called them and they never picked up. The only thing I received was a happy Fatherís Day text and a card in the mail (which is thoughtful of course). It didnít really bother me, after all this is typical. But R was furious for me. She wanted me to tell them off. I guess my mom posted something on Facebook to the affect of what a wonderful father I am to HER grandchildren. Meanwhile they didnít put any effort in actually talking to me and they donít spend any effort in having a relationship with the kids. My point is I guess I should be upset but for whatever reason I canít be. There are many other scenarios like this and I just canít get mad at them.

I wouldnít be surprised if it is pressed emotions. I feel like this is something Iíve carried for a while. Lately, Iíve been getting frustrated at not being able to get to the root issue of my low self esteem and lack of memory and emotions that I canít identify.

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #110 on: July 10, 2020, 08:06:09 PM »
Yesterday was uneventful and probably one of my better days this week.

Today started off rather rough. I more or less woke up on the wrong side of the bed. The negative self talk/self-hatred started immediately. I looked down at my legs and immediately started calling myself a fat *. The self talk continued about how I canít stand my body but Iíll do nothing about it to make a change. I guess itís part of me feeling unworthy and wanting to punish myself.

My entire life I grew up with the assumption that I was a fat *. Iím sure part of it was related to being the overweight kid in grade school. The other part being my mom having an eating disorder and lastly growing up in the stereotypical Italian family (there always being food available, the need to give lots and lots of food to the kids , etc. Iím sure you get the point). Even when I was in high school wrestling at the prime of my athletic physique, I still felt fat (I wasnít, I was close to 6ft at the time and 160lbs). The negative self talk, the lack of self worth has pretty much always been there. Fast forward to now. I know Iím overweight, I know my family has preexisting medical conditions that can be exacerbated by obesity. I know what I should be doing to make myself healthier but I canít seem to ever get myself moving in that direction. Itís like I  rather make myself suffer than be healthy and heal. Itís like I acknowledge that poor health and a premature death is in my future but Iím not worthy to make the changes to prevent that.

It was also a therapy day today. Most of the focus was on the negative self talk and thoughts described above. I find myself getting frustrated. I know I have low self esteem. Rational me knows Iím way to harsh on myself but I feel like Iím perpetually in a rut. I donít want to dig myself out and I donít want to do anything to heal. Itís like I consistently refuse and find ways to do the opposite. The T agreed that we should find the root cause of my low self esteem/self worth but Iím at a loss of what to do. The root cause feels perpetually elusive. I know part of it is related to emotional neglect, I know the other part is related to growing up Catholic but I know thatís a small percentage of the problem. And what do you do when you donít want to help yourself heal?

Lastly, R is going back to work from being on maternity leave. As I mentioned before she works in an ICU that is now the COVID unit. She is obviously nervous about that. To add to her stress sheís nervous about me because of my ďepisodeĒ I had in April. In fact sheís scared. I think the probability of me having another episode is low. She works nights and knows Iíll be alone those evenings. She wants me to help work out a plan so she can feel more comfortable but I am having trouble coming up with a plan and ensuring her. Sure if I have another episode call her, her parents to pick up the kids, and my T or psychiatrist. But I canít provide her anything concrete and it feels disingenuous to do so. She wants to know how Iíll know when Iím starting to have an episode. I have an idea (my mind starts spinning) but at the same token I am also one to self punish. I could know what the right thing is to do but in the moment especially if I donít  particularly like myself, I may ignore it.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #111 on: July 10, 2020, 11:49:39 PM »
hey,

you've got lots going on.  i hope you can come up w/ a plan for yourself so your wife can feel more comfy at work - i think that would be a lovely gift to give her.

i've had a situations where i've been out of touch w/ my feelings, especially anger, fear, and happy most all my life.  it was named for me on this forum, actually, it was during a situation where others were expressing their anger at something that happened involving me, but i didn't feel angry at all.  since i've been aware of this, i trust heavily on taking cues from others.  if someone feels anger about a situation about me, i know that anger is the correct emotion to have, and i work at getting down to it, acknowledging it, accepting it, and expressing it w/o hurting myself or others.

without our emotions, it's hard to feel grounded, stable, and like a whole person.  i know i felt like i floated thru much of my life, unaware of what's going on around me, just being wisped away by whatever wind was blowing.  without a sure sense of self, it's also difficult, to my mind, to feel much worth or esteem, let alone feel motivated to take care of ourselves, to want what's best for us, and do what it takes to heal and become whole.

this is just my opinion, so if it doesn't fit, please feel free to ignore it.  i wish you the best while tackling these issues, buddy.  sending love and a hug filled with your own sense of worth. :hug:

anger at parents is difficult for a lot of people.  i'm going to add mine to your wife's - that's just wrong that they treat you that way, very hurtful, very inconsiderate, very uncaring.  my guess is that being brought up by people who treat you like that will give you a core belief that you're not worth time nor energy from others, let alone caring and comfort.  that would speak to your low sense of self-worth.


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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #112 on: July 11, 2020, 03:53:31 AM »
without our emotions, it's hard to feel grounded, stable, and like a whole person.  i know i felt like i floated thru much of my life, unaware of what's going on around me, just being wisped away by whatever wind was blowing.  without a sure sense of self, it's also difficult, to my mind, to feel much worth or esteem, let alone feel motivated to take care of ourselves, to want what's best for us, and do what it takes to heal and become whole.

Hi san,

Thank you for checking in, I appreciate the words of encouragement. As for the quoted paragraph above, I don't think you realize how much that resonates with me. I definitely do feel like a majority of my life has been me being blown by the winds without a direction. The winds dictate the direction.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #113 on: July 11, 2020, 05:43:57 AM »
yeah - i remember thinking, still do, that if someone asked me, like at a job interview, where i saw myself in 5 years, i'd have no clue.  actually, i still don't. 

it's been work to sort out feelings, and i'm still not very good with it.  sometimes i can feel angry, sometimes i can feel afraid.  most all my life, the most feeling i've had is sad.  that seemed to be the only emotion i was connected to.  i remember in the early 70's, when my dad died, i began crying about it the next night, but it immediately turned into crying for all the boys killed in vietnam.  it was like i couldn't keep my sadness focused on myself, but i could cry and feel sad for the rest of the world. 

even in therapy, when my t asks about what emotions something brings up, i still struggle to name what i actually feel.  usually i guess at what might be inside, but don't really feel it.  it's been tough at times, because i didn't have empathy for others' feelings of fear or anger cuz i didn't experience them myself. 

good luck with all of this.  it's getting better, but it is work.  i hope you can find it within yourself to want to get to a different place.  apathy is horrible, can deaden the spirit.  i want to encourage your spirit to break itself free, if possible or if you're able or willing.  sending love and hugs :hug:

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owl25

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #114 on: July 11, 2020, 02:59:29 PM »
"And what do you do when you donít want to help yourself heal?"

I run into this a lot. A part of me wants really bad to heal. Another part of me doesn't want to at all. The part that doesn't want to often feels like it's winning. But the part of me that needs relief doesn't stop working at it, although it is interspersed with hopelessness, because of not wanting to help myself.

I'm starting to understand that there are reasons for not wanting to help myself. There are fears around what would happen if I did. Maybe you can ask yourself what you're afraid might happen, if you do help yourself? 

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832’s Journal
« Reply #115 on: July 12, 2020, 04:14:18 PM »
San and owl, I have read your posts and will find it in me to respond later. I’m finding it difficult being a good contributor/responding to people’s post as of late. I just need to write because I feel like I’m going to explode!

I’m just angry today, angry at what feels like everything. Angry at my wife (for no reason at all, she’s been amazing), angry at my In-laws, neighbors,, neighbors, both kids, my pets and myself. I’m actually struggling now to even write a post. Every fiber of my being doesn’t want to write but I’m forcing myself because I am hoping that it will help me cool off.

Last night was a very rough night which I am sure is part of the reason why I am so angry. R went back to the ICU last night. It was her first day back. This implies that I had the kids all night. Both of them were fighting me every step of way to sleep. In fact it took over three hours to get both of them down.

//=========TW=========
I am finding that the self hatred is coming in. I’m so angry quite frankly that I want punch myself hard in the face or smash it against the wall.

//=======END OF TW======

It’s one of those times where I know what the right answers are to cool me off/heal but I rather do the opposite and punish myself.

My mom sent me a text wanting to coordinate a call today. I don’t even have it in me to read it. I can tell on the excerpt of the notification screen it’s to have the call with the kids. The only thing  I can think of is to tell her to * off and throw my phone against a wall. How messed up is that? She talks about how she doesn’t want the kids to forget about her and today I want nothing to do about that. I don’t want her to talk to me or the kids.

I know this type of anger is childish but it is still welled up inside of me. Fortunately, I’m in control of it. I think partially because I want the anger to consume me to make me feel pain and punish myself.

I’m finding that I have no patience for the kids today. I’ve been try to get B to nap and I just couldn’t get him to sleep. Usually, I’m pretty good at it. I had to leave him in the crib to cry a little bit while I sit outside his room on the stairs to tamp down my temper. R is upset as she now can’t sleep and won’t let me go back in to soothe B. She thinks I’m just trying to sleep train him being a jerk keeping her up.

T had been very energetic and testing boundaries. It’s been tough for me to deal with. I’ve found plenty of times me being stern to her, probably for something that doesn’t require that degree or sternness. I can’t help but feel like a horrible father. I want to feel like a horrible father as it will inflict more pain on me. I keep thinking about how my lack of patience and anger with her is just setting her up to relive my life. A life, I feel is filled with pain.

I watched her on the video monitor last night. She was upset at me because I was trying to get her to go to bed. I had to keep her in her room while I attended to B. I watched her throw stuffed animals and toys in her room with absolute frustration and anger. It just brought me back to my childhood, how I couldn’t control my anger at the time and would break things. Again, I can’t help but feel I’m setting her up to relive my life. A part of me, a selfish side, is welcoming it because I know it will only being more pain on me.

I know I should be routinely exercising, doing mindfulness exercises, etc. But I don’t want to. I want to be angry.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 05:09:51 PM by buddy9832 »

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sanmagic7

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Re: Buddy9832’s Journal
« Reply #116 on: July 12, 2020, 05:04:04 PM »
it's ok to be angry.  it's ok not to respond to others.  it's ok to be out of sorts. it's ok to not know all the answers.   it's ok to not always do the 'right' thing.  it's ok to feel messy about yourself and your life.  you're ok even if you're not perfect.

 i hope you don't physically hurt yourself.

sending love and a hug filled with whatever is best for you right now. :hug:
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 05:08:21 PM by sanmagic7 »

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #117 on: July 13, 2020, 08:34:50 AM »
Entire post is a TW



I just woke up from one of the hunting dreams. The best way I can explain it is that I was being hunted by the SS during modern times. The SS were rounding up people for extermination in the city. As a result obviously I was running from them. I caught a car out of the city, then I woke up.

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rainydiary

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #118 on: July 13, 2020, 03:40:29 PM »
Buddy, what an unsettling way to wake up and enter the day.  Iím sorry that this was the way you woke up. 

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #119 on: July 14, 2020, 11:50:30 PM »
Hi everyone thank you for posting.

"And what do you do when you donít want to help yourself heal?"

I run into this a lot. A part of me wants really bad to heal. Another part of me doesn't want to at all. The part that doesn't want to often feels like it's winning. But the part of me that needs relief doesn't stop working at it, although it is interspersed with hopelessness, because of not wanting to help myself.

I'm starting to understand that there are reasons for not wanting to help myself. There are fears around what would happen if I did. Maybe you can ask yourself what you're afraid might happen, if you do help yourself? 

Thanks owl, thatís a very interesting point and I guess it does have validity in my life. I would say that the part that wants me to heal does never stop working. Thereís times I can feel this part screaming at myself when I just want to go back to being miserable.

But to tell you the truth I donít know what Iím afraid of. I guess I feel itís mainly that since I donít look too highly on myself part of me thinks itís not worth it. Is there something else? I have no idea what that would be.

yeah - i remember thinking, still do, that if someone asked me, like at a job interview, where i saw myself in 5 years, i'd have no clue.  actually, i still don't. 

it's been work to sort out feelings, and i'm still not very good with it.  sometimes i can feel angry, sometimes i can feel afraid.  most all my life, the most feeling i've had is sad.  that seemed to be the only emotion i was connected to.  i remember in the early 70's, when my dad died, i began crying about it the next night, but it immediately turned into crying for all the boys killed in vietnam.  it was like i couldn't keep my sadness focused on myself, but i could cry and feel sad for the rest of the world. 

even in therapy, when my t asks about what emotions something brings up, i still struggle to name what i actually feel.  usually i guess at what might be inside, but don't really feel it.  it's been tough at times, because i didn't have empathy for others' feelings of fear or anger cuz i didn't experience them myself. 

good luck with all of this.  it's getting better, but it is work.  i hope you can find it within yourself to want to get to a different place.  apathy is horrible, can deaden the spirit.  i want to encourage your spirit to break itself free, if possible or if you're able or willing.  sending love and hugs :hug:

Thanks san, I can understand what you mean by it being work to sort out your feelings I feel the same way. I would say it probably wasnít until the last two years  or so that I no longer feel numb. Apathy really is a killer, itís brutal.