Buddy9832ís Journal

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owl25

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #165 on: August 16, 2020, 02:16:58 AM »
I'm very sorry for the loss of your cousin. Probably you don't feel anything because some part of you has shut that emotion down. It ties into everything to do with your family, I would imagine.  :bighug:

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Three Roses

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #166 on: August 16, 2020, 02:58:42 AM »
I'm sorry for your loss  :hug: :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #167 on: August 16, 2020, 10:37:50 AM »
Iím very sorry for your loss, Buddy. Sending a hug if itís ok  :hug:

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #168 on: August 16, 2020, 06:23:37 PM »
Thank you everyone I appreciate it. I havenít had a chance to respond but Iíll respond in more detail hopefully later today.

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #169 on: August 17, 2020, 01:42:06 PM »
Hi marta, 3R, and owl, again thank you for the well wishes!  I sincerely appreciate it and Iím ok. The fact that Iím ok as I said before I find disturbing. Again, I donít feel anything. I thought the knowledge of my cousinís death at a minimum would exacerbate the sadness I feel for no longer have much of a family but this hasnít been bad either. What disturbs me the most is that growing up I did have a close relationship with my cousins.  I feel like there should be more there than what Iím feeling. Furthermore, this is par for the course when death arrives in my family. It doesnít matter how close to the person I am, there is very very little emotion. I know itís not actually the case but these are the moments especially early on in my healing journey that make me questioning if Iím a sociopath.

Owl, I do agree it probably has something to do with shutting down. I called my sister and mom, they didnít have the response that I did.

rainy and 3R, Iím sorry I didnít get a chance to respond to your previous posts yet. 3R, thank you for sending that link, it was helpful. Itís also nice to see that catastorophizing is actually a relatively Ďnormalí process. I still donít necessary like it and I would like to work on it. My T and psychiatrist have been interested in why when I do catastrophize, I usually place myself in the individuals shoes suffering it or imagine in detail what they are going through. I donít want to think that way, it just happens.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #170 on: August 17, 2020, 02:10:21 PM »
 :hug:

i think there's a lot we'd like to do or feel, but it just isn't there yet.  same for the other way - things we wish we didn't do or feel or think, but it comes anyway.   it's just part of this beast called c-ptsd.  love and hugs, buddy :hug:

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rainydiary

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #171 on: August 18, 2020, 01:22:38 AM »
Iím sorry too to hear about your cousin.  I have had similar reactions to deaths of relatives.  I think I experienced so much loss growing up in a military family that I know it is part of it...but I think it is also about my CPTSD.  I like what San said about feelings - sometimes we wish we felt something and other times we wish we didnít.  Best wishes navigating this complicated time. 

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #172 on: August 18, 2020, 01:35:15 PM »
Thanks rainy, I appreciate it. Itís nice to hear others have similar experiences.

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #173 on: August 20, 2020, 05:30:52 PM »
So Iíve been finding it difficult to be an active member on this site as of late. I apologize, I canít say there really is anything external preventing me from participating compared to before. Iíve just been finding it hard to keep up and find the motivation to be available. Iím not really sure what it is about. I havenít felt great but I havenít felt horrible as of late and part of me feels like I guess I just want to take break on my healing journey. I know thatís not really possible and I need to keep up with things. I just feel bad being more or less AWOL for a few days and come back to find someone was really struggling a few days prior to me coming back.

Iím nervous as usually when it comes to what Iíll call self help paced healing, this is usually when I fail to follow through. I really donít want to give up being a part of this community. I have found it quite helpful hearing others stories and journaling.

I wonder if a degree of apathy is starting to assert itself again. I donít necessarily feel sad or negative emotions but I donít feel happy either. Could this be the onset of a depressive phase? Iím not quite sure. I ran out of my medication the other day and havenít really felt the desire to renew the prescription. I will be seeing my psychiatrist next week and it feels like I can just wait. My wife thinks itís a mistake and Iím sure it is. As I ran into it Iíd the MiniPress for nightmares I found it interesting that I havenít had any as of late or at least I canít remember them. Part of me is nervous. Part of me is questioning do I have cPTSD, did I magically get over it what? Rational me knows thatís not the case but it still casts doubt.

I spoke to T about my cousin. How she ODed and how I donít really feel much of anything. She believes that even though growing up we were close perhaps the reason I donít feel anything is because Iíve accepted her death years before she died. I canít say sheís wrong but it doesnít explain how this is my normal reaction to deaths in my family. It doesnít matter how close or removed I am from the family member I rarely feel much of anything at all.

I am currently in between master classes and Iíve been using this as an opportunity to work on my VA compensation application. I see this as opportunity to get due her treatment and to get compensated if they feel it is necessary. For the PTSD section they request that I detail each traumatic even I experienced, where I was, who I was with, when, etc. Iíve been reliving the experiences. They havenít been too provocative but I wonder if that has something to do with me potentially feeling apathetic or at least neutral as of late.

Lastly, my T suggested that I watch old family videos, look at old photos etc. I find it interesting because unsurprisingly even now the positive events are filled with sadness when looking back on it.

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marta1234

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #174 on: August 20, 2020, 08:53:38 PM »
Sending you a hug  :hug:, Buddy. Itís ok to take a step back from healing and even this site, but as you said, it doesnít necessarily mean completely.
Weíll always be here for you, Buddy, even if you donít feel posting. You can always come back to this support group.

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832’s Journal
« Reply #175 on: November 14, 2020, 05:46:22 PM »
Hi everyone, I’ve definitely been absent a lot longer than I thought I was going to be. Essentially in August I wanted to take a short break. Not that I am anywhere close to being healed but I was losing steam and figured a break would help almost reset me. I was planning on taking maybe a month off at most with the hopes of returning recharged and ready to go. Life had different expectations and the past three months have certainly not been restful and it has no sign of letting up. I’m going to try and be more active on the forum but please forgive me if I’m slow/don’t comment on posts. As I’ll discuss further below, I definitely think I need to work on myself again but it has and will be very difficult.

2020 has been * of year, not only because the pandemic it just feels like personally there has been something fairly significant going on in my family every month.

//=========TW==========
I left August which was discussed in my previous posts, with my FIL sick and in the hospital. He needed kidney surgeries and was being ruled out for lymphoma. Fortunately, the doctors confirmed it wasn’t cancer but an autoimmune issue. Since then he’s been doing better but is on immunosuppressants for his condition.

My cousin who I was close with growing up, not so much in our adult lives was found dead from an OD behind a dumpster near some train tracks. As my sister indicated, it was a very lonely way to go. Similar to most deaths that I experience, it doesn’t matter how close or distant the person is. I feel nothing. The only thing that I feel weighing on me is the understanding that it is yet another family member from the dwindling list that remains. My other cousin (sister to the cousin that ODed) has serious mental health and addiction issues of her own. She’s now alone. No sister, her mother ODed about two years ago, she has an absent farther, no grandparents, and my parents are no longer available to her since they moved.  It’s just her. That’s got to be a heavy burden to carry yet I feel nothing.

\\=====END OF TW========

Sometime this fall my neighbor decided to cut an ATV trail through my property. We were coming home from getting pizza for dinner. We saw a brush cutter on our property actively making a path. R and I were sick to our stomachs. I know it’s first world problems but we have a nice piece of land with nothing but forest behind us. I personally wanted to live some place quiet and rural. On the hardest of day’s while I was in the Navy, I promised myself when I get out that I would find a quiet peaceful place to live the rest of my days with R. I have been fortunate enough to have found that place and cutting a 10 ft wide path across my woods feels like a slap in the face. It feels like some of my Navy related demons won’t let me have peace.  The stressors that typically caused these hard days was often due to a failure of leadership and a toxic command. Having a neighbor make poor decisions and clear a path on my land feels like it is bringing up that poor decision making all over again. We getting over it but we feel so violated.

My dad had thyroid cancer. Fortunately, he has had his thyroid removed and all signs show no remnant cancer. I’m not sure if it is the knowledge that thyroid cancer is relatively curable or something else but similarly to deaths in my family I didn’t feel much.

I am a project manager for a biotech company. My plate has been rather full since this summer. This fall I was given the honor of assisting one of the leading vaccine developers with their COVID vaccine. I take this project extremely seriously and the gravity has not been lost on me. This project however, is a full time job on top of my already full portfolio. I’ve been working 14 hour days for the past two months with no sign of it letting up. I’m obviously exhausted and burnt out. What hurts the most are the days when T says something to the affect of “daddy, I never see you anymore, will you come play with me?” It’s like a knife being twisted in my chest. Typically I can’t spend time with her and even when I do my mind is elsewhere on work. What terrifies me is that I’m sure this is a huge contributor to the neglect that I went through growing up. My dad was rarely around because he worked hard. It scares me that I’m placing my children in a similar predicament.

This brings me to present day. Before I checked out in August , I’d say my cPTSD symptoms were manageable and relatively low. Now they are coming back. I’m constantly on edge, I’m irritable, noises that typically wouldn’t affect other people startle me. I’m sure my depression is starting to get worse. I’m finding myself intolerant to my clients if they are not helping themselves to the success of their projects.

Two weekends ago my FIL came over to build T a swing set. The week leading up to it, R strongly recommended that they don’t come over because she would be working all weekend and therefore I would have the kids. We brought this up several times during the week and they would not listen. He came over anyway and I was livid. I felt extremely taken advantage of. No thought was given that I’ve been working my butt off with literally no time to do anything else. I literally wake up at 5/6 in the morning and work to 10 pm. There was no respect to my limited free time that I have for myself and the kids. Furthermore, he has not been working for the company he owns probably for about 4 or 5 months due to being sick. His employees have been picking up the slack during his absence. He decided maybe a week after returning to work to take a week off. I know it’s none of my business and has no effect on me but I am obviously struggling with the message that communicates to his employees. His employees that kept the business running during his absence. I know this is a hold over from the Navy but it is so hard for me to let go of these things. It just makes me so angry, clearly taking advantage of your employees.

These past few weeks have been hard on me. Halloween came and went and the other holidays are approaching. T celebrated her birthday last week. It is a reminder of the family I don’t have, no the family I lost. It is a reminder how much R’s family takes for granted being able to spend time with each other. The number of holidays I missed. The number of funerals, births, and weddings I missed. Now all of that is gone. It is a gift! Not even a privilege.

R is starting to get worried about me and so are her parents. I feel like I can usually keep a pretty good poker face but they tell R they can see the pain in my eyes. When we do family functions with R’s side, it is only a reminder of the family I don’t have. In fact my parents are actively encouraging that I embrace R’s family as they know they are no longer available. When I’m at these events I’m able to be social for the start but then I just shut down. Like there’s nothing there. I no longer have anything to contribute to conversation no matter how hard I would try. The best way to explain it is I retreat into my head. I become exhausted. I’m well aware that I have retreated to my head but it is impossible to snap out of it. This has always happened but is happening more frequently which has been of concern for R. I spoke to my T about this and she believes it’s dissociation. I’m not sure it is, everything I read on dissociation doesn’t seem to describe this. I guess I’ll leave it to your judgement?

So here I am at present day. I feel the depression and cPTSD symptoms getting worse. I’d like to say a I would be an active member, respond to others posts and responses to my own posts but I can’t guarantee that.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2020, 05:55:22 PM by buddy9832 »

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Snowdrop

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #176 on: November 14, 2020, 06:43:06 PM »
It's good to see you, Buddy. I was thinking of you and wondering how you were getting on. I'm sorry for your loss and that you've been having a hard time.

Don't worry if you don't feel up to responding to posts. It's ok, we get it. A lot of us have been in that position. Just be gentle with yourself and do what feels right for your recovery. We're here for you regardless. :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #177 on: November 15, 2020, 01:21:07 AM »
I'm glad to hear from you, Buddy. I read your post. You are carrying so much right now. Post as much as is helpful to you. If you aren't in a place to read what others wrote, that's okay.

I spoke to my T about this and she believes itís dissociation. Iím not sure it is, everything I read on dissociation doesnít seem to describe this. I guess Iíll leave it to your judgement?

This is a completely UNPROFESSIONAL opinion. I think that there might be different types and degrees of dissociation. What you describes sounds like you are dissociating from your feelings by being in your head.

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #178 on: November 21, 2020, 04:58:34 PM »
 Iím feeling a bit on edge today. I canít really say I know why. Today has started off fine. I took T to get some doughnuts. We had a nice breakfast as a family and then we went outside to work on the shed. We recently bought a shed as our house has limited storage. Iíve been working to put shelving in, leveling the shed, etc.

T would be playing in the shed opening and closing doors and it just made me very anxious and irritable. At one point she dropped a metal pole on the floor and it caused me to snap. I forget what I said to her but it was enough to make her cry. The day is just starting. I hope I can manage my irritability and stress long enough for the rest of the day.

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buddy9832

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #179 on: November 22, 2020, 03:54:04 AM »
Well today was fairly tough, as I suggested before I was definitely on edge. I donít really have an explanation why, I just know T wasnít helping any. I was trying to get shelving up in the shed and she wasnít really doing anything but it definitely triggered me. I snapped at her a few times definitely to the point of making her cry. The parent of the year award goes to me!

I hate it when Iím like that because quite frankly she doesnít deserve it. Sheís a good kid and is just curious. She wants to explore the world around her. I know when I snap at her that stifles her curiosity and it scares me to see her lose that. One of the big positive drivers of my life was my curiosity. From a very young age I wanted to understand everything. How the world worked, how organisms function, how computers work, whatever.  Even simple things like how to maintain a car. That curiosity followed me through college and when I joined the Navy it was beaten out of me. Four years later, I find myself out and a defeated man. No interests as before. My point is I donít want to be the driving force that stifles her curiosity. I donít think I could tolerate that.

//=======TW=========

My wife and I are in the process of clearing our closet in our bedroom to turn it into a mini office. Iím perpetually work from home now and working in an unfinished basement is getting old. Especially with winter coming it gets cold and an alternative solution needs to be found. I struggle when going through old memorabilia. I came across my grandfatherís pocket watch. The time was stopped around 12:55. The one time I wore it was at our wedding. I wonder if it stopped that night or the next day. He was absent from the wedding as he had passed a few years before. The watch was actually his fatherís whom he barely knew because he died when my grandfather was young. The painful memories of the last time I saw my grandfather circulated back in my head. I had to essentially beg my commander to see my dying grandfather. After much labor I was finally given permission. When I saw him in hospice I could barely recognize him as how I remember. He was malnourished and dehydrated. He could no longer swallow. He would aspirate if he did. It was very obvious to me that he was dying. I recall him trying to speak with me but it was intelligible. His tongue was too dry to speak. I wonder what he was trying to communicate. Was it words of wisdom? Was it retelling old stories, I have no idea.

I had to go back to my ship. I made the 500 mi journey back to base. He died later that week, I was able to attend his wake but not his funeral. I recall requesting my parents to be with him during his final moments as no one deserves to die alone. They werenít there for him. ďThe nurse was with himĒ. The busy overworked nurse. I doubt that individual was able to spend much time.

This week was like any other week the past few months. Iím working like 14 hour days. One client requires about 8 hours of my time a day never mind my other clients. There is no end on site for this pace of work. Obviously, Iím burning the candle at both ends.